Love Rewards The Brave (19 page)

116.

Ms. Francine has dinner ready

for me when I get home after work.

It’s nearly 7:30 and a school night.

What I want to do is fall into bed,

but I don’t feel like a fight.

So I sit down like a good girl

and put lasagna on my plate.

“Do you want to talk about what happened at your counseling appointment the other day? I feel like you’re trying to keep as far away from me as possible.”

I look at her across the table.

I rip the bread into

tiny pieces

imagining who her new roommate will be.

Probably someone from work.

A respectable adult who has life all figured out

just like her.

“Okay. We don’t need to talk about that right now. That’s what you have Terry for. Is there anything on your mind?”

“Nope.”

“So you’re just demolishing all the food on your plate because you feel calm and collected?”

“Yep.”

“Louisa, please stop being snippy with me.”

“O-kay.”

I exaggerate my syllables in the way

every. single. adult.

I’ve ever known hates.

“You know, I’m trying here,” Ms. F says. “I’m trying to find a way in, but you just keep pushing back. It’s really hard.”

She stands up, puts her dishes in the sink

leaves the room

leaves me

alone

at the table.

Another

One

Bites

The

Dust.

117.

Margot comes to pick me up

on Saturday morning for work.

She and Ms. Francine have a

kitchen table conference

over coffee and the donuts she brought.

Ms. Francine never eats sweets for breakfast

she must be stressed.

Before I walk in the room

I take a moment and loom

behind the door.

Half wanting to hear

Ms. F say she hates me being around and wants me gone.

Half wanting to hear

Margot say I suck as a window washer and wants me gone.

Half wanting to hear them say

I am a nut job like my

Mother

Father

Brother

And they’d all be better off if I was gone.

Instead I hear them say, “She just pushes away, like I did after Hudson. I understand why, I just wish she’d talk.”

“She isn’t going to talk, not until after the hearing. She’s too mixed up right now. Just the timing is so bad. To have this happen right after Benji’s attempt.”

“So much for a girl to take.”

I’ve heard enough “stuff”

that I don’t knowwanthave to process.

I’m stuck, my feet and my heart.

I can’t move on.

I can’t walk in to where they are

they’d see that written on my face.

From the hallway I shout, “I’m going to the car, Margot. I’ll be waiting for you, no rush.”

I turn and go

because I don’t want them to know

that all the things they say are true.

Because all I know is this:

They might leave me too.

118.

“Benji, it’s me again.” I start to say

but the usual message doesn’t beep in right away

instead a real woman’s voice is on the other end,

a voice talking.

“What?” I say.

“Your brother Benji can’t receive calls right now. He’s been under a lot of stress lately and isn’t able to talk on the phone.”

“Well, can I come visit then?”

“I’m afraid he isn’t able to accept visitors at this time, either.”

“What do you mean? I’m his sister. I just need to talk to him. For just like, five minutes. Please?”

“I’m sorry. I’ve been getting your messages and I emailed Terry explaining why I can’t allow you or anyone access to him, right now.”

I start to feel like that girl again

the fierce one

nothing to lose one

wanting to prove to someone

that I can fight.

119.

Terry’s office is cold.

Just like the January never fading 

frost

surrounding me, protecting me.

Just like the icy wall building around my heart.

I look over at her, sitting there.

I’ve decided to stare

her down.

“Sorry it’s so cold. The heater is broken and you know, budget cuts.”

She throws her hands in the air like I know

something about budget cuts.

“I got an email from Sherry over at the IPU, where Benji is. She said she’s received several messages from you wanting to talk to Benji.”

I nod my head, slow.

“Okay, so I’m sorry I wasn’t more clear. Benji will be there for a while. While he’s on this particular floor he can’t receive contact from anyone. When he moves to a different floor, and is more stable, you’ll be able to visit him.”

“So, like, he’s on lock down? For what? He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Louisa, no one said he did anything wrong. But there was a reason I didn’t just hand you a contact sheet for him. He’s under twenty-four-hour care right now.”

“What, so he doesn’t kill himself? I told you, that was an accident.”

NO ONE LISTENS TO ME.

“I need you to calm down. Please just try and understand. Benji needs protection from himself, he’s very fragile right now and extremely explosive.”

“This doesn’t make sense.”

“I wish I had better news to share, but Benji has attempted suicide two more times since you saw him in December.”

“What are you talking about? He tried to kill himself again? He’s just a little boy. He was fine before. Before you guys starting messing with him. Before everyone decided he needed to be in a group home. Before...when I took care of him…he was fine!”

I’m crying now

screaming now

doing everything

I never do in front of her

now

and I am shaking

taking

claim to my baby brother

Benji Boy

now.

“You can’t do this to him. Break him like this. It’s your fault he’s acting out. He was always a good boy.”

“Louisa –– we didn’t break Benji. You didn’t break Benji. Benji didn’t break Benji.”

“Well, somebody
did
!”

I scream at her

everything becoming a blur.

I am back in the gray.

“You’re right,” she answers, gripping the edge of the desk before continuing. “Someone did.”

120.

I push my hair back from my

mascara-streaked face

and brace

myself

with the arm of the chair.

I breathe in deep, exhaling.

I feel my face go from angry hot red

to the palest white.

I feel it in my bones

and I know

before she says it

There’s only one person left

who could have broke him.

The person who has destroyed him.

The person who came back on the scene

and caused him to flee.

The person who did much more harm than good.

The one who stood

before a courtroom feeling

misunderstood.

“My mom.”

I needed to be the one to say it.

Terry nods her head.

The words may be true,

but my head can’t compute

what that means

for me.

I took so many falls

my dad’s hand split open my
heart
face

as he took every piece of my flesh

as he devoured me

from the inside out.

He took my childhood and womanhood in

the palm of his hand

and crushed me.

He pushed his sweaty body

against mine when I fought back

so I learned how to stand

frozen.

I learned the best way to

convince myself I was blind to it:

eyeswideshut

visionsofsixyearolddreams

princessandunicorns

sillyasitseems.

I could cope if I knew my suffering kept

HIM

SAFE
AND
SOUND
My Benji Boy is safe.

I whispered to myself

I can hold on

hold down the fort

pretend that I am float

ing

away to neverneverland.

But now.

Now I see that when I walked down

that deep dark hall

toward my father

leaving Benji in the dust

I always had a sense of trust

that I was doing well by him.

But in going down

the deep dark hall

I was leaving Benji

in the hands of

my mother.

My dad

was not the only

monster

in our house

of cards.

“Louisa, the termination of parental rights is happening in two days. Do you want to be there? Before she goes to court you would have the chance to say something to your mother.”

“I’m not going. I have to work that afternoon.”

“I’m sure Margot could rearrange your schedule, Louisa. I’d like you to think about being there. I think it will help you sort some things out in your mind.”

“I’ll think about it,” I say, more for her than for me.

I know one thing, I want to be as far

away from my mom as possible.

Because I can never forgive her for

breaking my

Benji Boy

my one and only joy

in life.

121.

I head to the 6-Spot

after school.

I don’t know what to do

where to go

what to feel

how to heal.

I am categorically a mess.

I don’t know what’s left.

Ms. Francine, Terry, Margot

all told me they’ll go with me.

Be with me.

Help me if I want to see

my mom

today.

I keep pushing them away.

I think it’s easier this way.

“What are you doing here, Louisa?” Toby says as I head in the back room, peeling off my gloves.

“Work. I work today. Like for three hours or something.”

“Or something? Louisa, Margot told me you weren’t allowed here today.”

“Why not? Is she firing me or something?” I ask, getting that deep-chest-panic, fast.

“What? Fired? No. You’re nuts. Margot would never fire you.”

“Why’s that, Toby?”

“Because we all adore you too much.”

He looks at me,

arms folded across his chest,

looking his best.

“Whatever. Did the new box of cleaning supplies come in? They were ordered last week.”

I try to walk past him,

ignore

him and his

niceties.

It’s too complex for me.

“You’re not going to clean a bathroom. Not today. You shouldn’t be here.”

“Fine.” I cave. “Where do you want me to go?”

“I don’t know your business, Louisa, I just know Margot said you weren’t supposed to be here and if you showed up I had to drive you away.”

“Away where?”

“She said you would know.”

He hands me my gloves, my hat.

He wraps a scarf around his neck.

Lifts my coat to my back

and forces me into it.

He switches the lights off,

then door locked,

ushers me out.

“You can’t just close the store, Toby.”

“Why not?”

“Because Margot will kill you.”

“Actually, I can do whatever I want. It’s my store.”

“What do you mean? You work here.”

“Yeah, because I own it.”

He smiles at my shocked face

as I look around the place

with a new lens.

I guess he really can tell me what to do.

I shake my head and follow him

to his car

knowing that I have nowhere to go but
there.