Love Starved (26 page)

Micah spent twelve hours in
the office the next day, defining new goals and new plans, and discussing a new division of duties with Rob and Rebecca who, Micah decided with their enthusiastic agreement, were ready to take on more responsibility and more hours. They considered advertising and decided against it for now. Word of mouth was bringing them more than enough work as it was, but they agreed that they needed to hire someone to create individual contracts and take care of all the legal requirements. None of them had any legal background, and triple-checking everything took way too much time and had become a noticeable bottleneck that slowed them down.

The day was productive and exhausting in the best way. As Micah walked home from the bus stop that evening—keeping his New Year’s resolution to get more exercise by leaving the car at home more often—the crisp, cold air tasted like happiness.

That was when he saw him.

At first Micah thought he had to be mistaken, that his mind was playing tricks, but then he got closer, and no, it was no mirage. Aiden was really there, his black coat peppered with fresh snowflakes, his red scarf bundled high around his neck, his head bare despite the biting cold. He had been pacing the stretch of pavement in front of Micah’s building and stopped when he noticed him approaching—and Micah’s heart felt as if it stopped right along with him. It had been over a month, and nothing had changed; the same swarm of butterflies still took off in Micah’s chest at the sight of Aiden’s dear face, pink from the cold; the same electricity buzzed in his blood, urging him to run to Aiden, touch him, make sure he was really here. Instead, he walked over slowly, carefully, as if any sudden movement could scare Aiden away again.

And then they were face to face and it seemed the whole world held its breath—nothing moved but the snowflakes, tangling into Aiden’s hair, catching in his eyelashes, melting on his lips. Micah didn’t know what to say, what to do—or not to do. He wanted to kiss Aiden, or shake him and ask where the hell he had been and why. He wanted to ask what it meant that he was here, or not ask anything at all and just take this moment because who knew how long it would last?

Then Aiden shuddered and Micah suddenly regained his senses.

“God, you must be freezing. How long have you been here?”

“A while,” Aiden said, shrugging. “An hour maybe? What time is it?”

“Almost nine.”

“Oh. Maybe two hours, then.”

Micah arched his eyebrows. “Are you crazy? Why didn’t you call me? I swear, if you catch pneumonia and die, I’m gonna kill you.” He was already marching Aiden into the building, gloved hand on his back.

“I wanted to see you in person. Calling would be anticlimactic,” Aiden protested. “And people don’t die of pneumonia anymore, at least not young, healthy people who just happened to enjoy a long walk—or, well, stand—in the snow.”

“And you couldn’t wait in the lobby?” Micah asked as the elevator whisked them up. “That’s why it’s there, you know.”

“I wanted to see you coming.”

“Because being in the lobby would surely blind you,” Micah retorted. “Give me your hands.” Once Aiden had obediently taken them out of his pockets, Micah rubbed his ice-cold palms between his warm ones until they arrived at his floor. “Come on,” he said, opening the apartment door. “We’ve got to warm you up. Go take a shower and I’ll bring you something dry to wear. Even your pants are wet. Seriously, what were you thinking? Go, go now.”

“But I wanted to talk to you,” Aiden protested weakly. It wasn’t too convincing over the chattering of his teeth.

“We’ll talk when you stop resembling an icicle.” Micah went into his bedroom and grabbed some warm sweatpants and a hoodie from the basket of clean laundry by the bed. “Here, now go.” Focusing on things that needed to be done was easy—so much easier than speculating what Aiden’s presence here after all this time could mean.

“Bossy,” Aiden murmured, but he smiled, and he went.

Micah was just pouring hot
chocolate into two cups when Aiden entered the kitchen. He was flushed pink from hot water now, and his hair was toweled dry and sticking out in every direction. The clothes Micah gave him were a bit too short and too tight, clinging to his body in completely distracting ways.

Micah extended a cup. “Here. Drink this.”

Aiden took it and immediately put it down on the counter. “I need to talk to you.”

“Okay. Why don’t we go to the living room, get comfortable?”

“Here is good.” Aiden’s tone was urgent, and Micah swallowed around the ball of anxiety it somehow created in his throat. He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms.

“Okay. What do you want to talk about?”

Aiden took a deep breath and started. “I’ve had sex with one hundred and fifty-four people.”

That wasn’t what Micah expected. “Wha—”

“Just listen. Please. I need you to know.”

“Um. Okay?”

“One hundred and fifty-four people, and I left a piece of me with every single one of them. I’ve been selling my body, but I’ve sold my dreams, my hopes, my best memories right along with it. Every time, every scenario I ever played, I ripped the emotions and words I needed from what I had once felt, or experienced, or dreamed of. There’s very little in me that hasn’t been touched by this job. And that last little bit that is left, I protect with everything I have. I can’t afford to lose that, too.”

“Oh honey—” Micah reached out to touch his hand, but Aiden shook his head.

“There’s more. I’ve let people use me and buy me for so long that most of the time, I don’t even enjoy sex anymore. I can control my body perfectly, I can come almost on demand or hold back for hours, but it’s all mechanical. Emotionless. I don’t let go. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost my ability to let go and just feel. For almost three years, sex has simply been a synonym for work.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Micah asked, his throat tight.

“Micah, please,” Aiden pleaded. “Just let me say it all before I lose my courage. You need to know this.”

Micah nodded and shut up, and Aiden shot him a faint, grateful smile and continued.

“I broke the heart of the last boy who made the mistake of loving me. His name was Paul. He was my boyfriend when I started this job, and he was a good man. He didn’t deserve to be cheated on and lied to like he was, just as my friends didn’t deserve to be abandoned and pushed away.” Aiden paused and shook his head. “I messed up every relationship I had when I became what I am. I don’t even know if I’m still able to love properly. I accepted the fact that I would never have a partner again, or a family, or a happy ending, because who could love someone like me? How could anyone, with all this?” He paused and Micah realized his own cheeks were wet. Aiden reached to wipe his tears gently with his thumbs, cupping his face. “But then you came and you made me feel again,” he said softly. “I’m tainted and broken, and you look at me like I’m the most precious thing on earth, and I wish I were. For you. But I’m not.”

“Yes, you are,” Micah whispered. “For me, you are.”

Aiden shook his head, his eyes focused on his thumb stroking gently across Micah’s cheek. “I will never be a prosecutor, like I was meant to be—not with my history, not when there’s a risk I may one day meet an ex-client in a courtroom. Even years from now, people I’ve serviced may recognize me on the street and comment, or look at you with pity if you’re with me. I will never be sure that Richard won’t resurface at some point to make our lives a living hell. I have baggage that won’t easily go away, Micah, and you might get tired of it after a while. I’m not easy to love. Are you sure that’s what you want?”

Micah’s breath caught and he let out a questioning sound. Aiden finally looked into his eyes, earnest or terrified, or maybe both.

“What I mean is… you deserve love fresh and pure like the first one, and I can’t give it to you. All I can give you is messy and complicated. I’m scratched and dented and covered in scars, and so is my love. But it is there. I’ve been falling in love with you since that night we kissed under the stars, at the lake, and I was never going to tell you because you deserve so much better, but I can’t. I can’t take this choice away from you. Who am I to do this?” Aiden took a shuddering breath and bit his lip before finishing. “So this is me saying that if you want me, I’m yours. No one else’s. No more.”

There was such hope in his eyes that Micah felt choked up all over again.

“Can I talk now?” he asked.

“Yes. I’m done.” Aiden tried to smile but it came out tremulous and slipped away before it really blossomed. Micah put his hand over Aiden’s chest.

“You know, I’m not looking for some idealized perfect love anymore, Aiden. There’s no such thing. I’m looking for something real. And I’m not afraid of problems or challenges or issues, if I get to love you all through them.”

In a blink, he found himself wrapped in strong arms, his face smooshed into Aiden’s neck where his pulse was beating fast like hummingbird’s wings.

“Really?” Aiden whispered into his hair, holding on tight like he never wanted to let go.

“Really,” Micah laughed wetly. “Really, really, really.”

Hot chocolate forgotten, they ended
up in the bedroom because neither of them wanted to let go for long and the bed was definitely the most cuddle-friendly area of the apartment. For the longest time, they just lay together, breathing each other in, unwilling to put even an inch of space between them and taking comfort from each other’s warmth after what felt like ages of distance. Finally, when Micah’s heart slowed from an excited, incredulous staccato to something more manageable, he pulled away a fraction, just enough to be able to see Aiden’s face without getting cross-eyed.

“I was beginning to think you were never coming back,” he said, his hand sliding to the place where Aiden’s heart was beating, so strong and real.

“I thought I should never come back,” Aiden admitted. “I thought I would be able to distance myself again, live without you like I managed before, and let you have a better life without me messing it up, but I was fooling myself.”

“My life had never been better than when you were in it.”

There was a sea of incredulity in those tawny eyes and Micah thought he would gladly spend however long it took showing Aiden—proving to him—just how precious he was. He cupped Aiden’s cheek, and Aiden smiled sweetly and kissed his palm.

“Either way,” he said, “being away gave me time to think about all the things I’d been pushing away for months. Every time you texted me, I ached to reply, but I knew I wasn’t ready. I still had decisions to make. I’m sorry I hurt you with my silence.”

“You’re here now,” Micah said. “Is this where I should ask about those decisions, or are they a secret?”

“I really have no secrets anymore. Not from you.” Aiden beamed as if this was the best thing in the world, but then he grew more serious. “I had to think about what’s next for me—how long I’m going to put myself last. There’s a fine line between selflessness and martyrdom, I realized. I could go on like I had, grow hard and bitter, and convince myself it’s my duty to support my parents forever because I have the means, no matter what it does to me.”

He paused and stroked his fingertip, just a feather-light, barely-there touch, around the outline of Micah’s lips. It made Micah ache for more.

“But it seems I’m selfish after all.” Aiden smiled sadly, still focused on Micah’s lips. “I couldn’t let you go. Not when you make me happier than I thought I could ever be again.”

“So what did you decide?” Micah asked, his voice coming out breathless.

“I quit.”

That was what Micah hoped to hear, but he had to make sure he understood correctly. He rose on his elbow. “You are actually going to quit your job? Really?”

“No,” Aiden replied and Micah’s heart fell, until he finished, “I’ve already quit. I took my last client two weeks ago and then I went home for Christmas, for the first time in years, and I told my parents that I can’t help them anymore because my job is killing me. I told them about the hospital, said the law firm was a cut-throat environment, stressful and unhealthy, and that I quit. No more big bonuses.”

“How did they take it?”

“My father was disappointed in me because, as a future lawyer, I should get used to a cut-throat work environment and if I can’t, I’m clearly weak. But that’s fine. He’s always been disappointed in me for one reason or another. I’m used to it. The important part is, they had to accept it. My father’s new business is actually starting to bring in some money now, so I think they will be fine. And if not—well, my siblings can prove themselves for a change, it’s not like they can’t afford it. I’m done. I quit. I’m free.”

“And you really want to—” Micah, his heart pounding so hard he felt it in his fingertips, didn’t dare finish.

“Be yours? I really, really do. If you still want me.”

Instead of answering, Micah wove his fingers through Aiden’s hair and kissed him, slowly and gently, as if they had all the time in the world—because now they did.
Mine
tasted different, it turned out. It added a new kind of sweetness to their kisses that made him want to indulge in them forever.

For the rest of that night they filled each other in on what they’d missed in each other’s lives and peppered quick, sweet kisses between words; dared to wonder what was in their nearest future now that they were together and made out like teenagers on their first afternoon home alone. Neither of them even thought about parting for the night, and eventually they fell asleep on top of the covers, still dressed and tangled in each other. Micah woke up some time during the night, chilled, and pulled a blanket over them. Falling back asleep in Aiden’s arms, he hoped he wouldn’t wake up to realize it had all been a perfect dream.

Micah woke up first, but
only by minutes—as soon as he shifted to relieve the numbness in his arm from sleeping in one position all night, Aiden opened his eyes and the most beautiful, sleepy smile brightened his face, bringing up his dimples.

“I hoped this wasn’t a dream,” he said.