Love Virtually (15 page)

Well, Emmi, Mia and I weren't prepared to play the roles you'd assigned to us. We were determined to put a wrench in the works of your weird game. We were defiant—and even though we didn't fall in love, we did sleep together. It did us a world of good, we had fun, we were both up for it. There was no fluttering of the heart, there wasn't much desire, and no great passion either. We decided to do it because of you—that was reason enough. It was the simplest and truest thing in the world, because we were truly pissed off with you! So we played our own game within the game. It worked for one night, but not for a second. In the long run you can only sleep “with each other,” not against a mutual third party. And it was obvious that Mia and I would never amount to anything. But we were happy to meet up, it was nice to chat, in fact we liked each other (and still do), and we enjoyed keeping you at a distance, Emmi. As a little punishment for your arrogance.

So that's the story. I'm dying to know whether you'll understand this, and how you're going to digest it, dearest email partner. And now it's night. A full moon, as far as I can tell. And the north wind has eased off. You can sleep with your head by the window.

Good night!

Two days later

Subject: (no subject)

Dear Emmi,

It's miserable to be left hanging for two days as I've been left hanging. You're the one who's left me in midair. So may I politely invite you to reply. By all means hurl me to the ground, but don't leave me in midair.

Yours sincerely,

Leo

The following day

Subject: Digestion

Hi Leo,

Jonas dislocated his arm playing volleyball. We've just spent two nights in hospital. That's just a little taste of our family idyll.

Now, digestion: I tried to digest your email on several occasions, but unfortunately it keeps coming back up. Now it's just a tasteless mush. You ask whether I wanted you to find out from Mia how perfect and idyllic my family life is. My dear Leo, you and Mia are laboring under a vast misapprehension. My family life is good, but by no means perfect. “Family life” as such has very little to do with perfection, and a great deal to do with endurance, patience, indulgence, and children's dislocated arms. And here allow me to draw on my years of experience, which—I'm sorry to say—you and Mia lack. “Family idyll” is an oxymoron, a mutually exclusive word pairing: you can have family, or idyll, but not both.

And I've got something else to say about your “game within a game.” So you and Mia slept together because you were pissed off with me, did you? It's been a long time since I heard anything so childish. Oh, Leo! Points deducted for that.

CHAPTER SEVEN

Two days later

Subject: Tidying up

Hi Emmi.

How are you? I'm not feeling that great. And I'm not particularly proud of myself either. I should never have met Mia. I should have known that, paradoxically, it would bind me closer to you, Emmi. I criticized you because I thought that was your intention. I take half of that back. I think we both intended it. It's just that neither of us has dared admit it until now. Mia was our go-between. You put her on to me. And I got my revenge through her. It wasn't unfair to her. Mia's increasing interest in me is matched by an increasing interest in you, Emmi. I think it's up to you to get close to your friend again. And I ought to back off a bit. I need to do a little tidying up.

Have a good day,

Leo

One hour later

Re: Tidying up

And what will you be tidying up next, Leo? Me?

Eight minutes later

Re: Tidying up

I used to think that emails didn't need tidying up. But maybe, at some point, I ought to slowly put the brakes on.

Four minutes later

Re: Tidying up

Here's Hesitant Leo in his element again: “maybe,” “at some point,” “I ought,” “slowly put the brakes on.” Do you get a kick out of sharing your sheepish announcements about how you're going to step back from all this? Put the brakes on Leo, for God's sake, but put them on properly!!! And stop tormenting me with your maybe, I ought, slowly . . . It's slowly beginning to annoy me!

Three minutes later

Re: Tidying up

O.K., I'm putting the brakes on.

Forty seconds later

Re: Tidying up

At last.

Thirty-five seconds later

Re: Tidying up

Done.

Twenty-five seconds later

Re: Tidying up And now?

Two minutes later

Re: Tidying up

Don't know. I'm waiting for it to stop.

Twenty-five seconds later

Re: Tidying up

It has now. Night-night!

Two days later

Subject: (no subject)

Hi Emmi,

So . . . are we not going to write to each other at all anymore?

Seven hours later

Re:

Apparently not.

The following day

Subject: (no subject)

It's quite nice not getting any emails.

Two and a half hours later

Re:

Yes, I could get used to this.

Four hours later

Re:

Now we can see how exhausting it was.

Five and a half hours later

Re:

Stress. Sheer stress.

The following day

Subject: (no subject)

And how's Mia?

Two hours later

Re:

No idea, we're not seeing each other anymore.

Eight hours later

Re:

Really? That's a shame.

Three minutes later

Re:

Yes, it is.

The following day

Subject: (no subject)

It's so much fun writing to you, Leo.

Nine hours later

Re:

Thanks, I can only return the compliment.

The following day

Subject: (no subject)

How's Marlene, by the way? Any relapses?

Three hours later

Re:

No, not yet, but I'm working on it. And what's your family up to? How's Jonas's knee?

Two hours later

Re:

Not knee, arm.

Five minutes later

Re:

Yes, of course, forgive me. How's his arm?

Three and a half hours later

Re:

Can't tell. It's in a cast.

Half an hour later

Re:

Oh, right, I see.

Two days later

Subject: (no subject)

It's sad, Emmi, we've got nothing more to say to each other.

Ten minutes later

Re:

Maybe we never did.

Eight minutes later

Re:

Well, for two people who've got nothing to say to each other, we've been chatting a hell of a lot.

Twenty minutes later

Re:

But we haven't really said anything. Nothing but empty words.

Five minutes later

Re:

If you say so.

Twelve minutes later

Re:

What a good thing that you put the brakes on.

Three minutes later

Re:

You're the one who said we'd stopped, Emmi!

Eight minutes later

Re:

And you say it every day.

Five hours later

Re:

Should we stop for good?

Three minutes later

Re:

I thought we already had.

Fifty seconds later

Re:

You really know how to get someone down.

Two minutes later

Re:

I learned that from you, Leo.

Good night.

Three minutes later

Re:

Good night.

Two minutes later

Re:

Good night.

One minute later

Re:

Good night.

Fifty seconds later

Re:

Good night.

Forty seconds later

Re:

Good night.

Twenty seconds later

Re:

Good night.

Two minutes later

Re:

It's three o'clock in the morning. Is the north wind blowing?

Good night.

Fifteen minutes later

Re:

3:17. It's the west wind, leaves me cold. Good night.

The following morning

Subject: Good morning

Morning, Leo.

Three minutes later

Re: Good morning

Good morning, Emmi.

Twenty minutes later

Re: Good morning

This evening I'm off to Portugal for two weeks. A beach vacation with the children. Will you still be there when I get back, Leo? I need to know. When I say “there” I mean . . . well, what do I mean? I mean, just there. Of course you understand what I mean. I'm afraid of losing you. Put on the brakes by all means. Come to a stop, why not? I don't even mind empty words. But empty words WITH you, not without you!

Eighteen minutes later

Re: Good morning

Yes, my dear Emmi. I'm not going to wait around for you.

But I will be here when you get back. I'm always here for you, even when we've come to a stop. Let's see how we feel after this two-week “break.” It might do us good. I think the last few days have shown that we could do with one.

Love,

Leo

Two hours later

Re: Good morning

Just one thing before I leave. And please be honest, Leo! Have you lost interest in me?

Five minutes later

Re: Good morning

Do you really want me to be honest?

Eight minutes later

Re: Good morning

Yes, I really do. Be honest, and be quick! I have to take Jonas to get his cast removed.

Fifty seconds later

Re: Good morning

When an email from you comes in, my heart begins to pound. I feel the same today as I did yesterday and seven months ago.

Forty seconds later

Re: Good morning

Despite all the empty words? That's so lovely!!! Holiday salvaged! Adieu.

Forty-five seconds later

Re: Good morning

Adieu.

Eight days later

Subject: (no subject)

Hi Leo,

I'm at an Internet café in Porto. Just a quick note so that your heart doesn't stop pounding altogether from a lack of emails. We're all fine: the little one's had diarrhea since the day we got here, the big one's fallen in love with a Portuguese surfing instructor. Only six days to go! Looking forward!

(P.S. Don't start anything with Marlene!)

Six days later

Subject: Hi

Dear Leo,

I'm back. How was your “break”? What's new? I missed you! You didn't write. Why not? I'm really nervous about getting your first email. But I'm even more worried that you're going to keep me waiting for it. Question: where do we go from here?

Fifteen minutes later

Re: Hi

Emmi, You shouldn't be nervous about my first email. Here it is—it's quite harmless.

1) What's new?—nothing.

2) The break was—long.

3) I didn't write because—we were having a break.

4) I missed you—too! (Probably more than you missed me. At least you had a sixteen-year-old daughter to protect from a Portuguese surfing instructor. How did the story end?)

5) Where do we go from here? There are three possibilities: carry on as before, stop, meet up.

Two minutes later

Re: Hi

Re: 4) Fiona's going to emigrate to Portugal to marry the surfing instructor. She only came back to pack her stuff. Or so she thinks.

Re: 5) I'll go for—meeting up!

Three minutes later

Re: Hi

Last night I had a vivid dream about you, Emmi.

Two minutes later

Re: Hi

Really? That's happened to me too. I mean, I've had vivid dreams about you. But what exactly do you mean by “vivid”?

Was your dream just generally vivid, or was it erotic too?

Thirty-five seconds later

Re: Hi

Yes, extremely erotic!

Forty-five seconds later

Re: Hi

Are you serious? But that doesn't sound like you at all.

One minute later

Re: Hi

I know, I was surprised too.

Thirty seconds later

Re: Hi

And??? I want details! What did we do? What did I look like?

What was my face like?

One minute later

Re: Hi

I didn't really register your face.

A minute and a half later

Re: Hi

Oh Leo, what are you like! I bet I was the inscrutable blonde from the café, the one with the large breasts.

Fifty seconds later

Re: Hi

What is it with you and large breasts? Do you have a problem with large breasts?

Two minutes later

Re: Hi

You really amaze me, Leo. You're not interested in the size of my breasts, you just want to know whether or not I have a problem with large breasts. That's not what men are like! It almost makes me think you've got a full-blown large-breast problem.

Three minutes later

Re: Hi

Call me asexual if you want, Emmi, but no matter whether they're large, small, thick, thin, broad, flat, round, oval, angular, or square, I'm not interested in breasts when I don't know the face they come with. At any rate I lack the talent to be able to focus on the size of a woman's breasts in isolation.