Loved In Pieces (51 page)

“…You always make choices. You come to a crossroads, you make a choice. You order a burger
—supersize it
, you make a choice. Most choices are easy, based on what you want. Some choices are more difficult, mostly because you don’t know what you want, you haven’t thought it through or didn’t know that you needed to think it through.

I’m your valedictorian not because
I’m
smarter than you
, but b
ecause I knew what I wanted when I was in eighth grade and I chose the classes that would put me on the path
that would get me what I wanted
. I had stability in my life so I could stick to my path. I was lucky. But what would have happened if my wants had changed? What if something happened in my life that altered my course? Could I have changed course? Could I have been flexible? Would I be before you today?

I stopped listening. It was impossible not to reflect on
Mitch
’s choices. He started high school knowing how to maximize his GPA so he could get into a top university. His family gave him the stability to achieve his goal. His mom planned his schedule. Where would he be now if he had leukemia
, if
his parents had divorced
, i
f he had burned out?
What if he liked doing drugs or was a player?
Mitch
was very smart but also understood that he was lucky. Unlike me, he was not sitting around feeling sorry for himself
that his parent
made many of th
e
choices for him to try to get him a
good career. He was not bitter. H
e embraced his future.

We all had to make decisions and live with the consequences of those decisions. Our attitudes influenced how we perceived the situations, as opportunities or threats. It was about context and perception. We
have
to do only a few things. We
choose
to do all others. What we
want
to do motivates our choices. His parents had been together for twenty-five years, since they dated in high school. They wanted to live a happy life together so they chose to do so, even though it was not easy at times. They did not have a marriage of bliss, certainly, but one of unity. 
Mitch
often complained that the Santa Monica culture focused on short
-
term wants that drove people’s impulsive actions, resulting in unfortunate consequences. If people just exerted some energy to control their desires and thought through the consequence
s
of their actions
,
there would be more happy marriages
—
or a lot fewer marriages in the first place.
S
ometimes we have good intentions and think through the long
-
term consequences
,
but our lives still get messed up.

I sat there with thoughts whirling around in my head. I started high school as a child actor. My career soared
,
I
had
already made
twenty
movies
,
starred in
seven
,
been nominated for two Oscars. I won for Best Actress
in a Leading Role
.
I won tons of industry awards as well.
I
already achieved what every actor want
ed
to achieve.
I didn’t really go to
Samohi
. I didn’t know most of the people sitting around me.
Michelle
made me be
come
an actor
.
Dad
made me be
come
a high school student even though I already had my GED. Of
course I didn’t choose my path
.
I was just a kid. So who cares
about my agency in the past
? I need
ed
to choose
what I want
ed
for myself in my future
.
How d
id
I want to enrich my life and the lives of others around me?

I needed to embrace my life, quit the whining, and understand my strengths. I was a good actor but, more so, I was a product
with power
.

I was not the fly in the spider’s web
.
I was the web
and the spider and the fly and the force keeping the web strong and in place
.

I prayed
silently
, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

I knew that my future involved being an actor. I had not achieved everything I could
achieve as an actor. I was at the beginning of my capabilities. I could do some really important work, change lives,
and
move people to action. I could improve my life and the lives of others.
I was in control now with all my work running through Marie Michael Productions. I was my own boss. I was in a good situation to work on my own terms
and
gain weight. Thank God I didn’t renew my contracts. I now had the freedom to be a reclusive, talented actor. Cool.

Lost in thought, the student next to me nudged me to get up. We were getting in line to get our diplomas.

I could marry Manuel, have kids, and work in the area. He could go to school, do both his undergrad and graduate studies at UCLA or USC close by. We’d have a perfect life.

I walked back to my seat with my diploma with a smile on my face and the courage to embrace my uncertain future with Manuel and my career.

My
graduation party was at
my favorite restaurant
on Wilshire Boulevard. The restaurant
wa
s small, so I rented it out for the evening. I invited my family, Manuel’s family,
Beth’s family,
Richard’s family,
Ira since Alan was with his mom for a celebration dinner,
Franz, Evan and Renee, Attila, Elise and Sage
. It was an intimate celebration.

We all had a great time. We laughed as
Ira
told his ridiculous stories.
We acknowledged Manuel’s achievements.
We teased Liz and Carlos, wondered how on earth they
raised
Manuel, such a smart and wholesome guy.
We praised Beth for her academic and athletic accomplishments.
Michelle
, Renee, and Evan welcomed Beth’s mom into
our
elite club
. I welcomed Beth into my world, too
.
They all praised me for becoming a strong woman and challenging myself at such a young age to make tough choices. 

I saw Ira
talk to
the restaurant owner
and noticed that
the wait staff
disappeared
. I knew it was performance time.

Richard added a toast. “Marie,
you’re
an
outstanding professional actor
and are wise well beyond your years. Your portrayal of Muse has overwhelmed the world, and we are all being paid quite handsomely for it.”

Everyone laughed and raised their glasses. Richard gestured that he wanted to say more.

“In addition to your
SAG award,
Oscar for Best Actress
,
and People’s Choice Favorite Movie Actress
and Favorite Star Under 25
,
I’m
also happy to announce that
Jefferson’s
Muse
is nominated for both MTV’s and Teen Choice Best movie, Best Female Performer, and Best Kiss.”

Everyone clapped. He continued, “Won’t that be your third year in a row for Best Kiss, Marie?” I nodded and
winked at Evan. E
veryone laughed, except Manuel. “Well done, Marie. Thank you so much for your hard work and excellence. To our next
Guinevere
!”

“Guinevere?” I
questioned
, confused.

“The audience and critics like triangles. They loved Muse as an American Indian slave, Thomas Jefferson, and a
n
African American
slave
—
the tension, the possibilities.
But we’re going Caucasian next time.
So we decided to do
Camelot’s Muse
as
Guinevere,
King Arthur and Lancelot
—
another blockbuster, certainly! Pocahontas and
Cleopatra
will be perfect for our first TV episodes.” He hoped.

Ugh
. Heavy costuming.
Cleavage.
Lots of makeup to make me pale.
Two co-stars again. The kissing. I ha
d
Manuel now. It w
ould
be different. I ha
d
rules to follow now. Rules w
ould
make it easier. But w
ould
Manuel be able to handle it?
Oh, I
was
the boss
, now. I could insist on
Evan as Lancelot and sweet Blake for King Arthur.
I
grinned
at Evan. He winked in return.
Cool.
TV episodes? I hope
d
not.

“Thank you, Richard. But the cr
edit all goes to the director.
” I smiled.

Now it was my turn to speak. This was how it went at a celebration. I must now thank
everyone
who created me and were here to celebrate my accomplishments and their contribution to my success. I must now thank the people who love
d
me, who w
ould
now have to stand by my side helplessly as I suffer
ed
through brain surgery and
uncertainty
. What c
ould
I say that w
ould
not sound bitter? What c
ould
I say that expressed the love I felt for everyone
, including the
spiders
?

“Thank you all for coming and supporting me. It means a lot to me
,
” I smiled and paused, not knowing where to begin.

“A lot has changed since
January
. I think I should share with you all what has transpired because there’ll be a lot of gossip and questions coming out. You are family, I love you all, so you should know.”
Michelle
,
Ira
and Richard all looked at each other, scared. This confirmed my suspicion. They all were in on it. I smiled at
Michelle
to communicate that I would not be telling the whole truth. She looked relieved and smiled back.

I had a more important role in Hollywood
than I had thought four long
months ago. I thought I could quit acting, end the chaos that was my life, and embrace some modest life in Montana. In
four
quick months I learned that dream was impossible. My only fear then was that I would disappoint people and that
Michelle
would be mad at me. Now that fear seemed childish.

The people who loved me shaped me into an actor and made their choice
s
permanent by giving me
x
-nib. I became a product when they chose to create the “Muse” project, a product that may never grow old. I
saw it in
their faces. I knew that I w
ould
continue to produce until the audience tire
d
of me. If I d
idn
’t, I let down my family:
Michelle
,
Ira,
and Richard. And I c
ould
handle acting now that I ha
d
Manuel, now that I ha
d
matured. I
had grown
up. Now in May, I understood that life was much more complex than I thought it was in
January
.

I
regarded
all the faces
in the room
. I nodded to
Beth
who I invited out of respect for Manuel. She was
sitting with
Evan, a man I loved but couldn’
t rely on
. If I hadn’t taken x-nib, we would have still worked together and fallen in love. I would have show
n
him
my love
. We’d be dating. Manny would be dating Kate. Byron…I
probably
would h
ave slept with Byron. Maybe not
.