Love's Dream Song (29 page)

Once Autumn was safely settled, Jess found Enrique and they wound their way down the canyon to search for signs of the murderers. They discovered the microwave dish, but from the tracks, no one had been there recently.

The day dragged and proved fruitless. Tired and discouraged, Jess and Enrique returned to the posse’s camp. Jess’s energy level picked up considerably when he headed toward the kiva and Autumn. He longed to see her, and for the first time, he was glad she had followed her instincts and traveled with Wayne.

She caught sight of him and waved.

Her joy at seeing him matched his feelings. “I’m glad to see you’ve made it through the day.”

“I hope you’re coming to tell me this duty is over.” She stood and stretched. Her awkward movements betrayed her stiffness.

He held out a hand and helped her up, tempted to pull her into his embrace. The footsteps below kept him in line.

“Here comes your relief.” He pointed to Enrique, who was standing below with an expectant grin creasing his face. “How about some dinner and a walk?”

“Sounds like heaven.” She gathered her belongings and followed him to the base of the cliff.

Jess managed to ignore Enrique’s quirked brows.

“Stay awake,
compadre
,” Jess told his friend. “I don’t want to be disturbed tonight.”

“I can see why,” Enrique teased.

Jess scowled at his friend before quickening his step to catch up to Autumn. Together they walked to camp.

After a quick meal he held out his hand. “Ready for that walk?”

Autumn placed her hand in his. Warmth zinged between their fingers.

The sheriff and Dr. Davidson protested their departure, but Autumn insisted she needed some exercise.

“We’ll make a loop to Coyote Springs and back,” he told her. “I don’t want to wander too far from the guards.”

“Maybe we’ll see some wildlife.”

“Just so it’s the four-legged variety.”

Her chuckle sounded relaxed. Good. He didn’t want her unnecessarily worried.

“The sun will be setting soon.” Jess watched the shadows creep across the canyon floor as they lengthened. They’d walked for an hour, and so far, the only movement they’d seen was a rabbit and two does heading to the river for a drink.

Autumn shifted on the flat rock she’d climbed up on. “There won’t be as much moonlight, either.”

“We’d better head back.”

“Might be a good idea.”

By the time they returned to the camp area, Jess was still reluctant to join the others. “Let’s put our bedrolls over there.” He pointed toward a small clearing between the kiva and the campsite. “I’d like to be alone with you.”

She readily agreed, which pleased Jess.

He pointed to another ledge, considerably lower and slightly to the right. There were a few rocks to hide behind, but in the dark they wouldn’t need them. “That looks like a good place. It’s far enough away from the kiva.”

“Do you think they’ll show tonight?” she asked.

“Could be.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, but he doubted the killers would come near the sheriff’s posse. He didn’t tell Autumn that. He wanted to post her on another watch in the morning while he and Enrique returned to the microwave dish. If the murderers showed up, it would be there.

Autumn paused at the site Jess had selected. “This waiting is torture.”

Jess had to agree with her. His patience had worn thin. Not that he minded this type of work. It usually excited him, but tonight, Autumn’s company enticed him more.

They spread their bedrolls side by side in the sand. Autumn sat on hers. Jess joined her, crossing his legs in front of him.

Nature entertained them with a display of sunset color. Bright magenta deepened to red and then turned fluorescent orange. The jagged outline of cliffs was silhouetted like black sentinels against the vermilion brilliance.

One pinnacle stood higher than the rest. Suddenly a black shadow streaked toward it. Huge wings flapped as the eagle landed on top in a graceful swoop. He folded his wings and then stood motionless, staring at the canyon below. Jess tapped Autumn’s shoulder and pointed to the mighty bird.

He reached out his hand and entwined his fingers with hers. No words were spoken, but communication between them intensified. His fingers tightened around hers as his longings unfolded. He wanted to experience all of Autumn, and looked forward to the time they would have the chance.

It had been months now that he’d been on the trail of these drug smugglers. He thought back to the times he and Enrique had been this close to their prey before. The two murderers had managed to slip past their guard. But they wouldn’t now. He was going to get the crooks this time. He felt it.

Autumn pulled her hand from his and changed position; the action interrupted his thoughts. “Are you uncomfortable?” he asked.

“No.” She flattened onto her back and stretched out her long legs. “You’d think it would be quiet out here so far away from civilization. It always amazes me how noisy it actually is.”

Jess admired the sleek lines of her body as they both listened. The song of the cicadas rattled the night air. In the distance an owl hooted.

“Real Tall Man would claim the owl’s cry is a bad omen. Maybe it’s a warning,” she speculated.

“No. It’s peaceful tonight. He’s probably calling to his mate.”

Autumn tried to read his expression, but it was too dark. He talked of peace, but tension radiated from him. She heard it in his voice, felt it in the rigid way he sat.

Autumn reached for his hand and covered it. “I’m glad we’re alone.”

Jess gestured toward the glow of lights from the campfire to the left of them. “Not completely alone,” he muttered. “I wish we were.”

“Come stretch out.” She patted the ground next to her.

She felt his movement more than saw it. Heat from his body radiated along her side. She rolled onto her stomach and braced upright on her elbows. She wanted to be in a position to touch him.

“This is almost as good as my bed.” She could hear the hint of sarcasm in his whisper.

“Don’t mention a bed,” she scolded. “I can’t tell you how good one sounds.”

“In more ways than one.”

His words weren’t the only thing that sent shivers through her. His fingers traced the line of her cheek and paused at her throat. He slid them around to the nape of her neck and gently massaged the sensitive skin.

She placed her hand over his and stilled his movement. It was then she realized he’d stretched out on his back and was peering up at her.

“That’s not fair,” she admonished. “You make me long for what we can’t have.”

“And what are you longing for?”

“You mean now—this moment? Or do you mean in the broad sense?” She wanted love—not just the physical, but the total commitment.

“Now, for a start.” His thumb curved over her jaw. “Or I could tell you what I want.”

“Do that.” She caught the tip of his thumb between her lips.

She could see his teeth gleam in the faint light when he smiled.

“First, I want you to lower your head.” He gave a slight tug.

Autumn complied.

“Then I want you to…”

Before he could say it, she planted light kisses on his lips, his whisker-roughened cheeks, his forehead and eyelids. The salty taste of his skin pleased her.

His fingers dug into her hair, putting a strain on the clips holding it up. “I want to let your hair fall around me,” he murmured. “I could make a curtain with it and then there would just be you and me in our own world.”

She teased his lips with gentle nips. “We don’t have to wait.”

Jess accepted the invitation and slowly pulled the large pins from her hair. As the weight cascaded around them, she reveled in the sensual haven of privacy. His fingers combed through the long tresses and Autumn sighed with pleasure.

“Your hair is so long,” he murmured. “I could wrap us up in it.”

“Don’t you dare.” She feathered more kisses across his face. “You’ll be trapped in my web.”

“Then we would be in our own world.” He twisted her strands around his fists.

“What do you want that world to be like?” She closed her eyes when he captured her mouth in a drugging kiss.

“Like this, for starters.” He drew her into a world of passion. Their bodies heated the air. Their breathing matched the rhythm of longing that had begun to build between them.

She lost all sense of her surroundings as they explored the territory of each other’s desires. His heartbeat thudded against her chest when he felt her delight in his touch. He sighed when she nudged the cords of muscle between his neck and shoulder with her mouth. Her sigh of pleasure echoed his.

“Do you feel this?” he murmured. “We are perfect for each other. Your body fits against mine.”

“I want to please you,” she whispered as she feathered his ear with tiny kisses. “I was afraid you wouldn’t understand why I was here. When the professor started accusing me, along with Wayne, I was terrified you’d think I was guilty.”

“It crossed my mind,” he admitted. “For so long I thought you were part of the drug ring. Then, seeing you with Wayne…”

“I know.” She stilled his words with another kiss. Her mouth opened to let him invade the moist territory.

He gently pushed her onto her back, following the motion until his body covered hers. She arched, wanting him to know her. It seemed her fingers were all thumbs as she smoothed them across and the intimate contours of his body.

She smoothed her palms across the broad expanse of his muscled abdomen. She loved the way it flexed under her touch. She captured his gasp in her mouth as she drew him into another kiss. He shifted and the nugget Real Tall Man had given her fell against her hand. She was glad to know Jess had worn it.

Under the kaleidoscope of stars and moonlight, they offered their bodies to each other to touch, caress, and kiss. In the night stillness that surrounded them, the owl hooted again. Autumn barely registered the sound. Her earlier concern had no room to bloom. Passion ruled her now. All of her senses were focused on Jess—his salty taste, the smooth skin covering his steely muscles, the hot breath that singed her body as he trailed kisses from her mouth to her neck.

His tongue caressed and she flexed, pushing her chest against him. “Do you feel my heart?” she whispered, the sound hoarse from passion. “Can you doubt that I care when it beats like that for you?”

She played her fingers across his chest and felt the answering response. “You see. Your heart is like the drum Grandfather uses. Was it beating like this last night when I chanted my dream?” She leaned into him, pressing her stomach against his. “I love you,” she whispered into his mouth.

His fingers stilled. She waited expectantly for him to continue his caress. It was several seconds before she realized he wasn’t going to. Suddenly she shifted and tried to see his face.

“Jess, what is it?”

“You scare the hell out of me, Autumn O’Neill.”

.

CHAPTER 19

Jess’s eyes glittered as he stared at her. Autumn tried to read his expression, but it was too dark. She covered his fingers with her own and eased the pressure of his hold.

“What is that supposed to mean?” she asked.

“You haunt my dreams, and now you mention love.” His shoulders sagged as he dropped his hands. She leaned toward him, puzzled and unexpectedly apprehensive.

“What is it? Did I do something wrong? Break a taboo?”

“No.” He traced his cheek. “You’re too powerful for me.”

It was Autumn’s turn to sag back on the bedroll. She stared.

“I dreamed last night.” His voice was low.” I heard the words of the dream way. I saw images of you throwing stones into the sky—like Coyote.”

Her confusion turned into relief. “See. It worked again. I changed the few words I know from the Vision Song. I’ve heard Real Tall Man do sings. We communicated in our dreams. We
do
have a special bond between us.”

“No.” He leaned away from her. “It was coincidence.”

He didn’t believe that, any more than she did. She could hear it in his voice.

“It shouldn’t upset you. You should be thankful. Your chants saved my life in the cave. It…”

“Real Tall Man sang that night. Not me.”

She smoothed her palm over his cheek. “But I saw
your
image in
my
dreams that night in the cave. You kept telling me to keep moving. If you hadn’t been there, I would have curled up and died.”

“Don’t say it.” He smothered her words with his mouth as he pulled her against his chest.

Her arms entwined around his neck. She combed her fingers through his hair. Need built within her to assure him that the dreams were right.

“Hold me,” she whispered into his neck, wanting to express her love. “Don’t think about any of it now. Just feel this.” She feathered kisses across his face. “And this.” She pressed her body against his. “And this.” She captured his mouth.

Her breasts pressed against his chest. She felt the striated muscles of his abdomen quiver against the softness of hers. Her arms wrapped tightly around him as she smoothed her palms across his skin.

Her heart thudded with a mixture of relief and pleasure when he moaned and spread his hands across her back. For endless moments they embraced, absorbing each other.

Time blurred. Movement centered on touching him. When she broke apart to gasp for breath, she found herself pressed into the sleeping bag by the weight of his body, a weight she reveled in.

His body touched all of her, but she wanted more. She curved her leg up and over his hip, unconsciously drawing him against her heated thighs.

“See. This has to be right,” she managed. “We fit together.”

“I want you.” He held her tight, his muscles quivering with restraint.

“I want you, too.” She buried her face against his neck, absorbing the scent of his skin. “I need your love.”

Again he paused. For endless seconds he held her, unmoving, barely breathing. Slowly, he released his hold and placed his hands on either side of her face. His thumbs traced as he talked.

“I can offer you physical pleasure.” He kissed her lips. “I can offer you caring.” He kissed her again, but this time when he spoke, regret sounded in his voice. “But I don’t know if I can give you what you really need.”

“I don’t understand.” She angled her head, trying to see his face, but it was hidden in the shadows. “Is there someone else?” She had been sure there wasn’t.

“No. There hasn’t been anyone who comes close to affecting me the way you do.”

“Then what is it? Help me to understand.” She fought down the growing concern.

“Now, when we’re together, it’s right. But that’s because of the physical attraction we have for each other.”

“That’s where we can start. But there’s more between us than sexual interest,” she insisted. “There’s the love of the land.”

“And The People?” His question rang with a touch of sarcasm.

“They
are
a part of our lives.” Her concern grew. This subject, she knew, could destroy their fragile bonds. “We’ll just have to work out what that will mean to our relationship. Surely we can manage that?”

“The reality is what will prevent us from finding any happiness.”

Autumn raised her head and tried to read his expression in the faint light. “That doesn’t sound promising.”

“I can’t make promises.” He caressed her cheek. “I want to make love to you. I care about you. But you must understand, I’m not sure that I can let that become love.”

“What are you saying? You’d like a relationship, but forget about commitment—love?”

“Exactly.”

She drew away and rolled onto her back. The stars that twinkled above started to blur. Determined to act mature, she blinked back the unexpected moisture. “You know I can’t accept that. I need those things. I’ve worked hard to find family. I need…”
A family of my own
, she thought, but refused to voice her desire.

Commitment and love were something that had to be offered. They could never be demanded.

Jess shifted until, braced on his elbows, he hovered above her. “It wouldn’t be fair to let you believe otherwise, I care enough not to do that to you.”

“Honesty can hurt sometimes.”

He started to touch her hair but pulled back his hand, evidently changing his mind. “I’ve thought a lot about this, ever since the other day, when I found you in the cave.”

She’d thought, too—mistakenly, though. It had been her impression that a relationship could grow and exist between them. How could she have been so wrong?

“You care too much about the old ways. You want to be part of two worlds.” He lowered his head to rest it on his fists.

Autumn started to track her fingers through his hair, but clenched them into fists at her side. “We
are
of two worlds. Why would you want to deny that?”

“Because you can’t live them both. There is conflict.”

“There’s always conflict in life. You can’t run away from one and not expect to find another.” She grasped his clenched fists, hoping the physical contact would help him understand the words and thoughts she wanted to convey.

“Look at you now. You claim you aren’t
Dineh
, but that past is part of you. You have more distress by trying to disassociate yourself from that culture than you would if you’d just accept who you are.”

He shook off her hands. “There are things you don’t understand.”

“Like your father?”

His sharp intake of breath echoed in the night, but she didn’t regret her words. His doubts had to be brought out in the open if she stood a chance of establishing the type of relationship she needed from him.

“I know about what happened to him.”

His curse, along with the sudden movement when he sat upright, startled her. She shifted so that she sat facing him, her feet tucked to one side.

“You think you know everything, but you don’t. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child and be called
bilasanna
.”

“I don’t even know what it means, so of course I wouldn’t know.” Annoyance mounted. She fought for control.

“It means apple. Red on the outside…”

“…white on the inside. Oh, Jess.” The absurdity broke through her temper. “Do you realize how ridiculous that is for an argument against love? Children will always find words to call each other.”

She started to laugh, sure it was as much from nerves as humor. His answering chuckle touched her heart.

“You’re right,” he admitted. “I’m running scared here. I already told you that.”

“I see that clearly now. What can I do to ease your fears? Don’t you think that together we can overcome the doubts and problems that will occur?”

He stared at her for a few minutes, his thoughts obviously running deep. She waited, patience a necessity.

He spoke, low and hushed. “Maybe it’s your worldliness. When you arrived, I never figured you’d last a year.”

“You mean all the traveling I’ve done?” she asked, surprised. “What do you think I’m doing here, Jess? I’m searching for more than family history. I need stability. I yearn for permanence. The fact that I’ve lived in so many places makes me long for a simple life.”

“How did you think you were going to find that out here?”

She shrugged. “I didn’t know. Maybe it’s the quarter of me that is Navajo. I feel connected to the earth—a clear sense of oneness. Don’t you feel that at times?”

“We do have that in common.”

“I traveled in the jet set, but I always had this sense of longing, like I needed to find something. I thought it was a need to know who my real parents were.” As the words flowed, insight dawned. She suddenly realized what she’d been searching for.

“I was lost, Jess. I didn’t even know I was hurting until I came here. I realized this deep yearning to get closer to my inner self. I wanted truths—to touch them, feel them, drink them in.”

And what truths have you found?” Jess asked, his voice distant, as if his thoughts had deepened with hers.

“Love. It’s the final truth, Jess. I love you and feel fulfilled sharing it with you. But there’s more than that.” She paused, letting her thoughts form. “It’s accepting who I am. Not trying to be Indian. Not trying to be sophisticated. Just to be me—a person who loves and cares.”

“Sounds simple enough.”

“But it never is,” she assured him. “We’re too quick to doubt, to worry, and to try to be what society dictates.”

“And what do you do when two cultures pull you apart? I try hard to be Anglo, yet there’s a part of me that slips into the ways of
Dineh
.”

“Why do you fight it? You
are
of two worlds. It would be like me trying to be a man. I can do some things males do, but there will always be an inherent part of me that’s female.”

“That I can be thankful for.”

She grasped his hand and placed it against her, refusing to let him lighten the mood. “Just accept yourself and build on those characteristics that give your life peace and harmony.”

“I’m a realist, Autumn. I have a ranch to run, men to oversee. I don’t have time for idealism.”

“Do both, Jess. Others have. Real Tall Man lives each day as it comes.”

“He’s an exceptional man.”

“So are you.” She laced her fingers between his. “He told me once that he lives to be who he is—not an imitation.”

Jess’s mind reeled. She sounded just like Daya.
Your woman will bring you back to The People. She will show you how to love again.

Autumn tugged on his arm and he shook off her hand. Her hair draped around her like a shroud. He wanted it to hide her face. Moonlight glistened in the moisture of her dark eyes, reminding him of the Apache tears Daya always wore.

The turquoise nugget bounced against his chest. It suddenly felt like a weight tying him down to the old ways. He lifted it over his head and handed it to Autumn.

At first she didn’t take it. “You can shed that symbol, but it won’t be so easy to get rid of the feelings we share.”

“Take it.” He draped it around her neck and watched it settle between her breasts. “It means more to you than it could to me.”

The silver gleamed against her skin. He didn’t think he would ever forget the sight of her with her hair draped around her, and her eyes glimmering with sadness. He knew that with her it would have to be all or nothing. For that reason, he didn’t prevent her from straightening her shirt.

“I won’t give up on you. Your love means too much to me.”

His heart ached for her, and for himself.

“I’ll fight for us,” she continued, undaunted by his refusal to respond. “Someday you’ll understand, like I did that night in the cave.” She took a shaky breath and he had to force himself not to pull her into his arms. “It doesn’t matter what world we’re in. It doesn’t matter that we’re part Indian, part white.”

“I have a ranch to run. I need to be strong.,” he tried to explain. “I can’t afford to succumb to this weakness of doubting myself. I don’t have time to figure out who I am.”

“I’m not trying to make you do that.” She placed her hand on his chest. Her touch soothed away a small portion of the turmoil that her words created. “I’m trying to help you understand that we don’t need to question our past history, worry about our bloodlines, or make a choice between one way or another. The important thing is that we exist. We are an entity within ourselves. We can only be who we are—not try to meet the expectations of the Anglo world, or those of The People. Just be.”

“You ask too much.”

“Accept yourself, Jess. Then you can share with others and love.”

The small boy who had loved Daya was locked behind the wall he’d built around his heart. Could he afford to reexamine the innocence of his youth? The risk was too great. He needed to cling to the world he’d established for himself.