Love's Fate (Love Trilogy #1) (16 page)

Then he turned around and walked away.

I felt confused, rejected. Didn’t he want me? He wanted to see me again.  But why didn’t he kiss me? Was he still trying to decide if he wanted me? What had I done wrong?

I tormented myself with tho
se questions on the drive home. Did he not feel the same desire I felt? The same unbearable pull to touch him, hold him, kiss him? I thought about our kiss the night before. It had been amazing. At least for me it had. Was it not the same for him?

I had so little experience with this, but I was sure there had been a connection. How could I have misread the situation so completely? I fell asleep that night full of questions and confusion.

The next day my stomach was in knots as I waited to see if he would come to see me. He was there just before 3 like he had been the day before. I was elated to see him walk through the door. His greeting smile told me he was just as happy to see me. I rushed around the counter and stopped abruptly just in front of him almost knocking right into him in my excitement.

“Hi.”

I laughed nervously at how anticlimactic my greeting sounded after the myriad of emotions I’d felt upon seeing him.

“Hey.” He said as he reached over and brushed a loose strand of hair from my forehead and tucked it behind my ear. That did it. That one simple act was enough to push me over the edge. I wanted him and I needed to find out if he wanted me.

“Would you like to come back to my apartment tonight?” I blurted out “I could fix you dinner.”  I quickly added offering a reasonable excuse for my request.

My knees trembled as I looked into his eyes waiting for a response. I couldn’t believe I was being so forward, but the thought of going home again to torment myself over each moment of the day was just too much for me tonight.

He continued to stare into my eyes and he looked as if he was struggling with something. I couldn’t understand what it could be. Was he trying to find a way to turn me down without hurting my feelings?

“It’s still early, how a
bout we catch a movie first.”  H
e suggested.

“Ok
ay.
”

I wasn’t sure why I felt disappointed. We were still spending the evening together, but it almost seemed like he was avoiding being alone with me. Isn’t that exactly what I used to do with Jared? Maybe I was just being paranoid. The invitation for dinner at my place hadn’t been rejected just postponed until after the movie. Besides a movie could be fun.

We decided on a romantic comedy and were lucky that the movie started shortly after we arrived so we didn’t have long to wait. He bought popcorn and candy and sodas and we settled into our seats just before the lights went down.

There was a moment of pure darkness before the screen came to life and in that instant I became aware of just how close he was to me. I could feel my pulse quicken and wondered if he would try to kiss me during the movie. I sat on the edge of my seat leaning in towards him but hoping I wasn’t being too obvious. I was so nervous. I had no idea how to act, what to expect. It was really pathetic how little dating experience I had.

My arm brushed against his on the armrest and I felt his body tense. He pulled his arm away and folded it across his chest. My heart sank. Wasn’t a guy supposed to put his arm around his date at a movie? Some lame yawn and stretch move?

Of course my only insight into what happened on dates came from what I’d seen in the movies. Maybe it wasn’t like that. I didn’t know how it should be but I was sure it shouldn’t be like this.

I felt awkward and nervous. I wanted to reach over and hold his hand, but I didn’t have the nerve to make the first move. I didn’t know how. I wanted to kiss him. To run my fingers through his thick silky hair again. To feel his strong demanding mouth hot against mine. The butterflies in my stomach revved up into full gear as I remembered our kiss and longed for another.

The movie had started but I wasn’t paying any attention. I was so consumed with my inner turmoil. What was I doing wrong? I wished I knew what I was supposed to do. I peeked over at him and saw that his eyes were fixed on the screen. His arms were still crossed protectively across his chest. I could see his jaw muscles straining. He was definitely tense. I could feel the tension rolling off of him. I felt so helpless.

I turned back to the screen and tried to watch the movie, but all I could think about was the man sitting next to me, the desire growing inside me and the utter despair of not knowing what to do about it.

Finally after an agonizingly long 2 hours the movie ended. Michael stood up briskly and we both exited the theater without a word. The car ride back to the bakery was filled with awkward silence. I could feel the tears building. I was afraid to speak because I knew at any moment they would break through. None of this was happening as it should.

He pulled the truck to a stop at the curb in front of my bakery. We both sat there for a moment in silence.

“Maybe I’ll take a rain check on that dinner.”  He said still looking through the windshield. His jaw muscles were still taut. His knuckles were white where he gripped the steering wheel.

I couldn’t speak, I knew the tears would come. I just nodded and opened the door, fleeing from his truck as quickly as I could while still maintaining my dignity. It took a great deal of self-control to simply walk to my car and not sprint for it.

Once safely inside my car I watched as his truck pulled away and then I broke down and cried. Tears of confusion and rejection and pain poured from me for what seemed like an eternity. What had gone wrong? I thought over eve
ry moment we’d spent together.

When we finally met the other night he had seemed attracted to me. He remembered me at least, so I had made an impression. He had even kissed me that night. And there was something to that kiss, something deep and passionate. Wasn’t there? Maybe all of his kisses were like that. Maybe it only seemed special to me because I was so pathetically inexperienced.

I thought again of the beautiful French woman I had seen him with before. I was sure she was experienced beyond what I could even imagine. I could never offer him what I’m sure she did. Maybe he’d realized that. Realized that at age 24 I was still just a gi
rl who didn’t know how to be with
a man, wouldn’t even know where to start.

I thought about all the things I’d told him that night at the bakery. I had told him that I couldn’t stop thinking about him after that night in the coffee shop. Admitted that seeing him a year later with another woman had drove me to quit my job. Oh God! How could I have told him that? He must’ve thought I was crazy.

He probably only took me out because he felt sorry for me. But we’d had fun at the carnival, hadn’t we? I thought it had gone well. And I was sure he was going to kiss me that night if the guard hadn’t interrupted. But then why didn’t he try again when he walked me to my car? Maybe he was beginning to realize that I was not what he wanted.

Tonight must have been a test. A real date. And obviously I had not met his expectations. My naiveté had shown through. I felt utterly stupid.

When I’d finally cried all of the tears I had I pulled myself together and solemnly drove home. Those were the most tears I’d ever shed and I would not do it again. I had been a fool to open my heart so completely, to expect it in return. I would not let that man ever get to me that way again. I would not let him make me feel so inadequate. Since when did I need a man to feel good about myself? I was a strong independent woman. I owned my own business after all. I had made it this far in life without a man. I didn’t need one now.

But in the deepest pit of my heart I knew I wanted one, and not just any one. I wanted Michael. No, I was not a child but in the most personal sense I was not yet a woman either. Michael wanted a woman.

I couldn’t concentrate. I stared down at the paintbrush in my hand and knew I wasn’t going to make any more progress today. I couldn’t stop thinking about Katherine and what a mess I had made of things the night before.

Our first date had gone perfectly, just as planned. We had a good time. I didn’t come on too strong. I even managed to end the evening like a real gentleman, I didn’t even try to kiss her. I was proud of myself for that, because it had not been easy. I hadn’t wanted to be a gentleman. I had wanted to take her right there against her car. But with great effort I kept it together.

I wasn’t sure what I’d planned to do with her the next night, but I definitely had not planned on spending two hours alone with her in a dark room. It had been almost unbearable.

When she had invited me back to her place I was taken off guard. I hadn’t anticipated that and the temptation to be alone with her was strong. But I knew the temptation to seduce her would be stronger and it was too soon for that. I had a plan and I had to stick to it. I couldn’t allow myself to yield to my desires. Not yet.

I needed to know her. I needed her to know me. I wanted more from her than just sex and in my experience when sex came first that was all you got. I wanted more.

A movie was the first thing that had popped into my head. I regretted it the moment the lights went down. She sat so close, I could hear her breathing I could smell her subtle feminine perfume. I could feel the heat from her body. I wanted her. Wanted her more than I’d ever wanted any woman before. When her arm lightly brushed against mine I almost came undone. I wanted to take her in my arms. To devour her.

But I knew I would come on too strong. It would be too much. She deserved to be courted, not devoured. So I tucked my arms tightly against my chest, gritted my teeth and endured the next two agonizing hours.

It was the longest two hours of my life. I didn’t watch one second of the ridiculous movie we’d chosen. Instead I imagined all the ways I would seduce Katherine if I’d allow myself. How I would hold her, touch her, taste her. I imagined how she would smell, how she would feel, and how she would respond. I remembered the way she’d responded to our kiss in her bakery. I could feel my excitement building as I relived that moment.

When the movie finally ended I sighed a breath of relief as I stood and walked toward the door. I had done it. I had made it through the movie and kept my hands to myself. I was stronger than I’d thought.

But as soon as we were in the car I realized I had a bigger challenge ahead. She still wanted me to come back to her place for dinner. I couldn’t do it. Not after having spent the last 2 hours imagining all the different ways to get her out of her clothes. I couldn’t be alone with her now. I had definitely reached my limit of self-control for one night.

As I pulled the truck to the curb in front of her bakery I glanced over at Katherine and saw her luscious bottom lip pouting out in the most sensuous way. I was overwhelmed with the desire to pull her into my arms and kiss that beautiful mouth. Instead I gripped the steering wheel to hold myself in my seat and asked for a rain check on her invitation to dinner. Without a word she got out of the truck and walked back to her car.

Thinking back over the evening I realized that she’d seemed upset when I dropped her off. She was oddly quiet on the drive back from the theater. I hadn’t noticed at the time because I was so consumed with my inner struggle over my desire to have her, battling the temptation to go back to her place and give in.

But now that my head was clear, now that I was not consumed with passion I realized that she definitely seemed upset. She hadn’t even said good-bye. She just got out of the truck. What was that about?

I realized I hadn’t really talked much. Actually I hadn’t talked at all. I was so locked inside my own head last night that I’d practically ignored her. Okay, from her point of view I had completely ignored her. She didn’t know that she’d consumed my every thought all evening. I had to make it up to her. Tonight I’d take her to a nice restaurant. A nice well lit restaurant.

I showed up at the bakery just before 3, as was becoming my routine. When I walked inside I searched for her but only saw Amy at the counter. She didn’t smile.

There was a customer standing with her so I just wandered over to one of the small tables against the wall to wait. My eyes were riveted on the kitchen door expectantly so I saw Katherine as soon as she strode through it. To my surprise she was dressed in a sophisticated blue cocktail dress with her long hair piled expertly on her head. She didn’t see me at first. Instead she walked around the counter into the waiting arms of the man who’d been talking with Amy.

“Hey Rick”
I heard her say as I watched from the corner.

“You look stunning Katherine.” He said to her as he took her in his arms.

My stomach turned and my fist clenched involuntarily. Apparently he wasn’t a customer.  Amy cleared her throat and Katherine followed her gaze to me. Her eyes widened in shock. She obviously hadn’t been expecting me.

“Michael?” S
he quickly stepped out of the embrace of the man next to her.

“I’m sorry… I thought…”  I didn’t know what I’d thought. I guess I figured she expected me to come tonight, but realized quickly that we hadn’t actually made plans to see each other again. I had just assumed she’d expect me. I had assumed she wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see her. Apparently I was wrong. She was obviously dressed for a date. Had she gotten her hair done? I struggled to maintain control and composure.