Loving Enough (The Enough Series Book 2) (2 page)

Rylee

 
Ten
days ago…

Austin, Bode, and I sit motionless in a state of disbelief
as we wait for news about J. It has been almost an hour since Bode came rushing
out of the steel double doors that are beginning to remind me of a crypt
keeper.

The news of J's accident hit me like a freight train, but it
was nothing compared to hearing that they are fighting to keep him alive. There
is a chance that I will lose the only true family I have today. I am nowhere
near prepared to lose my big brother. I need him too much. I can’t even fathom
my life without him. He will get through this. He has to. Maybe if I keep
repeating that, it will become reality.

Austin tries to comfort me, but I cannot help thinking that
if he had stayed in Houston and agreed to take a break from our relationship
like I asked, none of this would be happening. J would not be fighting for his
life. I would not be blaming myself. I would not be about to lose my brother,
my best friend, my world. Bode wouldn't be on the verge of losing his best
friend, his brother. If Austin had just stayed in Houston, maybe we wouldn't be
here right now.

So yes, I am angry. I am scared. I am ready to plead for my
brother's life. I will make any deal necessary to make sure that J stays on
this earth with those of us who love him. Bring me an angel, bring me the
Devil, or God himself, and I will gladly hand over my soul to keep my brother
alive. My thoughts are irrational and I am fighting to keep myself from falling
off a cliff I cannot see. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to fall into
the arms of my love and let him tell me it will be OK. But, I cannot do any of
that.

I have to fight. I have to be strong. I have to be there for
J.

I resume pacing the lonely gray room, making eye contact
with only the speckled white tile. With each desperate step, I send up another
silent plea to save my big brother. My tennis shoes squeak against the floor,
agitating my frayed nerves further. Bode grabs my arm, stopping my momentum as
I pass him for the umpteenth time.

His nearly clear blue eyes implore me to stop my frantic
movements. Pain is etched in his face around the delicate corners of his eyes
and the hard line of his mouth. I throw myself into the chair next to him,
causing the metal legs to screech across the floor until it comes to rest
against the emotionless white wall. Every movement increases my inner turmoil. I
cannot find the energy to calm myself.

Bode releases my arm and grasps my hand, intertwining our fingers
as a show of silent support. He knows I am on edge because he is right there
with me. The difference is that Bode is like a duck on the pond: he appears
calm and collected, but beneath the surface he is churning to stay afloat. I,
on the other hand, cannot keep from fidgeting. I take a deep breath, pull my
legs into the chair, and lean on Bode's shoulder to continue the gut-wrenching
wait. My silent chant continues. He has to pull through this.

Across the small room I see Austin raise his brow to question
my closeness to Bode, but he seems to think better of it and shakes it off. I
know Austin never meant for any of this to happen. He loves me. It is written
all over his beautiful, worry-filled face. What Austin and I have is special.
Despite my anger and denial, I know I love him … but I'm also sure that if I
seek solace in his arms I will fall apart. His quiet strength would be my
undoing. So, I have to continue on my own. I will summon my strength from the
knowledge of his love as opposed to the feel of it.

The air in this room is stifling and the sterile smell is beginning
to eat away at my sanity. I just want to know what is going on. I stand up
ready to go demand some answers when Michelle, J's nurse, comes through the
double doors with a doctor close behind her. The entire world slows as I take
in their approach. My heartbeat speeds up and my head begins to spin. I can
hear the pounding beats in my ears as I prepare for the news that could shatter
my life.

Michelle turns and directs the doctor towards us. As they
approach, I brace myself against Bode because my knees feel like jelly and I am
moments away from hurling. Michelle looks like she has been through hell. Her
once tight ponytail is slipping and stray auburn hairs are flying about. Her clean
pink scrubs are somewhat wrinkled and her eyes show her tiredness. Her calm
demeanor gives me hope, but not enough that I can let go of the fear that has
taken hold in my soul.

Nurse Michelle takes my hand gently and gives me a half
smile as she introduces Dr. Bowen. I silently wonder whether her smile is one
of condolence or reassurance. Either way, I do my best to exchange the
obligatory niceties while anxiously awaiting the news. Is he alive? I he dead? Somebody
please spit it out. The waiting is about to kill me.

Dr. Bowen directs us to sit, and he lifts a chair to move it
over in front of us as Michelle makes her way back through the steel doors. He
must be aware of the awful noise that is perpetuated by sliding these ghastly
chairs across the floor.

Bode sits to my left with an arm wrapped tightly around my
shoulders and Austin is to my right. I didn't even notice Austin come over, but
right now I will take all the grounding forces I can get. My world is teetering
on the edge of destruction. Austin holds my hand and strokes my knuckles lovingly.
I meet his anxiety-riddled gaze as he silently mouths, "I love you."

I don’t respond, but not because I don’t love him. Rather it
is because I cannot open my emotional can of worms right now. I am too close to
the proverbial edge. I try to focus on the warmth and calmness that Austin's
touch instills in my panic-stricken body.

With a composed and even tone, Dr. Bowen explains the finer
points regarding J. "Miss Ash, your brother had a cardiac episode. CPR was
required, and we had to shock his heart back into a normal rhythm. He is still
sedated and appears to have pulled through this latest setback."

He pauses to let the news that J is still alive set in. For now,
my biggest fear is avoided. Jeremy is still alive.

Tears fall from my eyes and I lean into Bode. My voice is
shaky and wavers as I ask Dr. Bowen my biggest question. "So what does
this all mean for J? Now, I mean?"

Easing his long, lean frame back, Dr. Bowen crosses his legs
and lets out a small sigh, one that has me on pins and needles. All manner of
awful thoughts run through my mind. Will he be paralyzed? Will there be
permanent damage? The thoughts strangle me and I have to focus on breathing. I
focus on Austin’s touch to prevent the panic attack I can feel building. His
hands are warm and his thumb continues to bounce across my knuckles. Dr.
Bowen’s voice pulls me from my thoughts.

"As Dr. Beckley explained, the next 48 hours are
crucial for Jeremy and that is even more accurate now. We assume this latest
episode was simply his body taking a break after the turmoil it has been
through today. We will continue to monitor him and proceed with heavy sedation
for a few days."

Trying to wrap my head around this new information, I am
stunned into silence. There are so many questions rolling though my head and
yet none of them seem to make it to my lips. I need to ask what the long-term
plan is, what are the chances of a full recovery, what should we expect? My
thoughts are suffocating. I need to breathe. I have to focus. I need more
information.

My questions abruptly stop spinning as I hear Austin address
the doctor. "What should we expect short-term and long-term? Is there a
chance of full recovery?"

Unbelievably he has managed to ask the very questions I
could not voice. Despite the hell I have put him through, here he is voicing my
concerns. There is no doubt that Austin shares my worry over J to some capacity.
Austin and J have found common ground, their love for me, and are building a
strong bond. I would never consider being with a man who does not understand
and accept my relationship with J. The crazy thing is that Austin just seems to
accept it despite the fact he doesn’t know most of the story—the ugly history.

Dr. Bowen uncrosses his legs and leans forward with his
elbows on his knees. He has an innate kindness in his dark brown eyes even if
the green scrubs and surgical cap are a bit off-putting.

"Well, Mr. Black, the truth is we don't know, and it is
hard to speculate in situations like this." He rubs a hand across his stubble-covered
jaw before continuing. "The good news is that Mr. Ash is young and is at
the height of physical fitness, which should increase his odds quite favorably.
The broken bones and bruises will heal in time and, with some therapy, he could
be as good as new. The biggest question is how his brain responds. If the
swelling goes down and we are able to avoid any other incidents, I am hopeful
he will make a full recovery. But at this point, only time will tell."

The doctor’s explanation does nothing to assuage my fears.
All I heard was that there is a chance J might not recover. Brain injuries are
unpredictable injuries. They have the capacity to ruin an otherwise perfectly
healthy man’s life. This one could ruin my brother’s life. I try to pull my
fears back. I have to keep them in check. I have to be strong. J needs me to be
strong. He has to pull through this. My silent chant continues.

As Dr. Bowen stands, we each shake his hand and thank him
for all that he has done.

He leaves us with one final piece of advice. "You
should all go home and get some rest. Jeremy is not going anywhere tonight and
visiting hours are over. This is going to be a long battle, so rest when you
can. Come back in the morning. Visiting hours begin at nine."

I glance up at Bode, who is ever so slightly shaking his
head before letting out a half-hearted chuckle. "Thanks for the advice,
doc, but if you think we can convince her to go anywhere you might need to have
your head examined."

Dr. Bowen smiles and nods his head in understanding. I
cannot imagine that we are the first family unwilling to leave their loved one.

There is no chance I will leave this hospital without J
right next to me. One way or another he will recover. He has to. So we settle
in for a long night in the unforgiving cold, hard, gray chairs and wait. He has
to pull through this. Better yet, he
will
pull through this. I have to
believe that. I refuse to consider any other option.

Rylee

Three days ago…

It has been a week since the accident, the longest week of
my life. I have not left the premises of Massachusetts General Hospital and my
nerves are completely shot. The swelling in Jeremy's brain has subsided and the
heavy sedation was stopped a few days ago, but he still has not come around.
Why won't he just wake up?

People come and go daily. I have seen J's teammates,
friends, coaches, a few fans, the detectives, and Austin. Bode and Eric have
been with me around the clock. When one of them is not here, the other is. I am
truly grateful for their unwavering support. It is true that when the chips are
down you find out who your true friends are. The only difference for me is that
my friends are family. We may not be related or share any DNA, but we are a
family nonetheless. Anyone in this hospital will attest to that fact.

I can see the anguish and terror in both Bode and Eric, but
they put on a brave face for me. They don't think I see the subtle exchanges,
the questioning glances, and the tears they try to hide, but I do. I see right
through them; they are in as much pain as I am. We are all doing our best to
stay strong. Each of us are fighting our own inner battles as we pray that J is
fighting his.

We all give each other the best ‘stay positive’ vibes we can
muster, but it is clear we are losing steam. We are a family in agony, on the
verge of losing one of our own. J is the de facto head of this family and I
don't know whether we would survive without him. That fact scares me almost as
much as the fact that J hasn't woken up. We need him to be whole. He makes us all
better people. He is our rock. He has to pull through this. We are hanging on
by threads.

I have set up a mock office in my brother's hospital room.
After the first few days, I realized I would not do anyone any good if I didn't
find something productive to do. Gabe brought me my laptop, my most important
pending contracts, and a dose of reality. My little corner of the room is
covered in paper, electronic chargers, and a few empty energy drink cans as
well an ice chest holding full cans. It isn’t much, but it gives me break from
the constant worry and uncertainty facing me right now.

The draft is less than two weeks away and I have to find a
way to prepare myself and my clients for the life-changing event. I read the
contracts aloud to J, hoping they will bore him into coming to. It is my goal
for him to wake up and tell me to shut up. Nothing would make me happier.
Jeremy has never been a fan of the written word. In fact, he has suggested that
the reason Hollywood was built was so that people no longer had to read. So, if
he thinks regular books are boring these legal contracts must be torture to his
ears. Please wake up already. Please come back to us.

Besides work and the steady stream of visitors, I spend my
days at J's bedside or roaming the halls. I think I have picked every lint ball
off the blue blanket covering J's bed in a bid to keep my hands busy.

Michelle showed me a wonderful place to relax and take a
breath: the roof. When Bode or Eric sit with J, I come up to the roof to take
in the peaceful scenic views of Boston and attempt to regroup. There is nothing
up here, only a few steam vents and an asphalt ground covering, but it is
quiet. There are no beeping monitors, or the sound of the air swooshing in and
out of the specially designed mattress. The only sound up here is the
occasional chirping bird or siren from an approaching ambulance. It is a little
slice of serenity in my otherwise chaotic world.

This past week has been brutal. I am desperately trying to
take everything in stride and continue to believe he will wake up soon. However,
there are times I am so overwhelmed I cannot think straight, and then the doubt
seeps in, scarring my fragile soul.

Austin comes by daily. I have avoided him on most occasions,
except the times he brings Boss. I know he only brings the dog so I will see
him and, as he hoped, it works. I want to see him. I want him to hold me, but I
know if I allow it I will shatter. The glue holding my fragile world together would
melt away as soon as I fell into his arms. He has the power to see through my
carefully constructed facade. He will be able to feel my pain and I don’t want
to burden him with that.

Detective Ruzek has been by a few times and we have a
plain-clothes officer assigned to us full-time. When Ruzek came by yesterday he
said that they have a few leads and to stay vigilant. He hinted that it is
possible the person responsible has been around the hospital.

Ruzek appears to be struggling with the death of his partner.
I believe he has developed tunnel vision for our case. I am thankful to have
someone so dedicated trying to unravel this mystery, but I worry he needs time
to process his loss. There is no telling a man he needs to deal with his
emotions so, for now, I can only hope that he is working through his grief as
he tries to uncover the identity of my stalker.

Detective Ruzek made it clear that I was not to leave the ICU
floor unaccompanied, so when I take a walk or head to the cafeteria an
undercover officer shadows me. Yes, my life has become a strange version of a reality
I thought was reserved for the silver screen. All I am missing is my leading
man. And, God, do I miss him.

It floors me that the person responsible for all of this
could be one of the very people who have come to show their support. Of course,
maybe they haven't been showing support but rather reveling in the destruction
they have caused. Isn't that what the crazies in the movies do?

The one thing I cannot understand is why a person who seems
to want my affection is also hell-bent on destroying me. How could this person
think I would want anything to do with them after what they have done? I haven't
seen many movies where the girl takes off with the crazed stalker and I am
positive I will not either. There is only one man in this world I want to ride
off into the sunset with—Austin.

The texts have continued to come in periodically, most
commonly after Austin leaves for the day. The one clear message is that the
mysterious person is jealous of Austin. The messages are always a reminder that
I should choose the psycho over Austin or face the consequences. I have
considered replying with a big ‘screw you’, but everyone around me says not to
engage the nutjob. It feels like I have no control over my life anymore. I am
left at the mercy of others and it sucks, plain and simple.

Besides the guilt I feel over the accident, and the pain I
am once again inflicting on Austin, I am pissed. I want to throttle the asshole
behind this mess. He is trying to take everything away: my family, my friends,
and Austin. I will be damned if we allow the lunatic to succeed. J and I have
worked too hard to build our lives out of the ashes our parents left us for us
to fall victim to some narcissistic whacko. It may appear that he is getting
what he wants now, but I swear to all that is holy he will not win. I will not
lose my family or Austin.

I miss Austin. I miss his touch, his smell, his laugh, and I
definitely miss his body. His daily visits break my heart, so I send Bode or
Eric out to deal with him. He always brings dinner from one of my favorite
restaurants along with a change of clothes and anything else he anticipates I
might need. He leaves little notes in the dinners and sends sweet texts
throughout the day to let me know he hasn’t given up. I long to fall back into
him and pick up where we left off, but my guilt and protective instincts stop
me.

I know that none of this is his fault, any more than it is
J's or mine, but I still harbor some misplaced anger. It gives me something to
hold onto. It gives me the opportunity to feel something when I am otherwise
numb. The numbness would fade into oblivion the second I allow myself near
Austin. That man broke down the walls around my heart. He makes me feel alive
and, right now, I want to remain numb to the ache that resides deep within my
soul.

I know J is fighting for his life, but I feel like I am right
beside him. I am stuck in an eternal loop of despair waiting on things to
change. I just want this to all end. I want him to wake up. I want to watch him
play football, hear him laugh, see him smile, and tell me I am an idiot for
pushing Austin away. I want my big brother back. I want Austin back.