Loving Jay (17 page)

We rubbed along together well. It wasn’t just about the sex—which was fantastic and very important to me—but I liked being with Jay for other reasons too. He made me laugh and I loved that. It wasn’t all hearts and roses—we had our differences, but instead of letting them become an issue, we simply laughed and shrugged at our mutual pigheadedness and got on with life.

I introduced him to boutique microbrews; he introduced me to green tea. He allowed me to teach him to play Xbox; I allowed him to put green clay on my face. I laughed and declined to wax any part of my body; he laughed and declined to remove the plastic sunflower from Daisy’s aerial. I categorically refused to go to yoga with him; he categorically refused to sleep over at my place.

“But, daahling, I couldn’t possibly face you with puffy, red eyes and before I’ve shaved! Oh, shudder!”

Our biggest disagreement, however, was over something that I refused to do. Anal sex.

I emphatically refused to talk about it and firmly rejected doing it. I knew Jay wanted to, but I couldn’t bring myself to entertain the notion. I had psyched myself up and bought the condoms and everything, but in the end couldn’t go through with it.

“But, why, Liam? Can you at least tell me?” Since Jay had not been able to make me talk about it while we were fooling around, he decided he’d tackle the issue over dinner.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Are you scared?”

“No.”

“Have you done it before?”

“Yes. Now drop the subject, please. I told you I don’t want to know about your prior history and I am not prepared to discuss mine.”

I felt extremely jealous and territorial when it came to Jay. I couldn’t listen to anything he had to say about past boyfriends without seeing red and getting aggressive. It was something that surprised me—the testosterone. I’d always considered myself rather laid-back. My brothers and father would rev up their males sides over many issues—football, work, relationships—but I never felt the need to flex my muscles and warn others away. With Jay I felt a side of me appear that I had sometimes thought was lost after the accident. The silverback-gorilla-thumping-his-chest part of me.

“So how many times have you done it? Just once?”

“No. Now hush.”

He pouted. “I know you said you won’t talk about… other guys. But you have to explain to me what is going on? Did someone… force you? Is that why you don’t want to do it?”

I dropped my fork on the table, knowing I was not going to be able to enjoy the delicious stir-fry in front of me with Jay being so tenacious on the issue. “No one forced me to do anything. We don’t have to do it, do we? Is there some sort of written code out there that I don’t know about that says we
have
to do it before we are allowed to be gay?”

“No.”

“Then why do we have to? What we do now is hot and sexy and satisfying. We’re equals. I just think anal sex brings an element of… inequality into the mix that I’m not ready for.”

I picked up my fork and speared a baby corn. Jay, however, was looking at me strangely. He had his head tilted to the side and was regarding me in a speculative manner. “That’s it, isn’t it?”

“Huh?”

“That’s why you don’t want to do it.”

“Jay, babe,” The endearment seemed to slip out at the least provocation. “Eat your dinner before it gets cold. Now can we drop it?”

He picked up his fork and scooped up some noodles, but he didn’t put it near his mouth. With an almost idle tone he asked, “Liam, did you top or bottom?”

“What?”

“You said you’d done it more than once. Did you top or bottom on these occasions?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Just tell me.” Was the man part pit bull?

“No.”

“Why are you ashamed of it?”

“I’m not ashamed.”

“Then why won’t you talk about it?”

“I don’t want….”

“Just tell me. Top or bottom?”

“Bottom. Now shut up.” I stood up and left the table with my plate, scraping half of my meal into the bin. My stomach was full of knots and I knew I couldn’t eat any more. I hoped it would bring an end to the conversation, but alas and alack, Jay wasn’t finished with me yet.

He was twirling noodles around his fork, seemingly uninterested in my reply, but I knew he was intent on what I would say next. His tone was casual as he asked, “Bottom? Every time?”

My temper and impatience were rising. The guy was like a drip of water slowly eroding away a stone. “Fuck you! Yes! Both times. Is that what you wanted to hear? The entire sum of my experience in fucking anal sex comes down to two fucking times. I bottomed each time. Happy now?” I shook my head. “You are a fucking wanker.”

I stormed off to the bedroom, completely ashamed and wanting to hide from Jay. But he just followed me, not upset at all at my display of temper or my insults. His voice was smooth and unruffled as he stood in the doorway and watched me fold clothes that didn’t need folding. “So you’ve never topped?”

I spun back to him. “Jay! Don’t you get it? I don’t have loads of experience like you. I am practically a virgin. Didn’t you just hear me say that I have done it exactly twice? Twice, man, twice.”

I was humiliated. What man wanted to be with someone who had no idea what he was doing? Jay had been really nice about the physical side of our relationship, never belittling me or laughing at my inexperience. In fact, he complimented me so many times, I didn’t know if he was telling the truth or not—and that made me insecure. Oh, I knew I could give him an orgasm, but was that
me
or was that just
oh I’m so glad I don’t have to use my own hand
?

But Jay either didn’t get my mortification, or didn’t give two hoots about my inexperience. He just nodded. “And you bottomed both times?”

I threw a ball of socks at him. “Yes. I told you that!”

He caught the socks and moved to sit on the bed near where I was sorting the laundry. Pit bull or bloodhound? He was on the trail of something I didn’t understand, and he wasn’t letting go. “Did you like it?”

I shrugged, unable to make eye contact with him. “What’s not to like?”

He grabbed the T-shirt in my hands and yanked. I yanked back, refusing to look him in the eye, even when he deliberately moved into my line of sight. “Liam! Talk to me! Did you like it?”

Oh, fuck. Can I lay my pride on the line and talk about this like a girl? Maybe if we just get it over and done with we can move on. Or maybe he will laugh at me and leave. Either way, he needs to hear this.
I met his eyes, holding steady as I whispered, “I came, didn’t I? I must’ve liked it if I came.”

Jay stood abruptly and drew me into his arms, softly kissing my brow, my cheek, and my lips as he whispered, “Oh, darling.” So much was said in those two words. I could hear it
—
the obvious lie from my lips was negated by two simple words
—
Oh, darling.
Jay was telling me he understood that I didn’t like it, that I didn’t understand why I didn’t like it, that I was confused, hurt, and puzzled over the whole issue. And he said so much back without saying the words
—
it is okay not to like it, I am sorry you didn’t like it, I like it so it is not something that you need to be ashamed you did.

We stood there hugging. Jay protected me this time, and whispered in my ear, “It will be okay, I promise. I’ll show you how it can be more than you have ever thought possible. Would I let you down? I’ll be the best teacher you could ever have because I would never, never, ever think of hurting a single hair on your body. I could never do a single thing that would cause you pain. You can trust me. I’ll never let you down.”

We moved as one, and lay on the bed with Jay cuddling me close. He held me and stroked my back with soft touches. He kissed me lightly, gently, with no intent other than reassurance. I drew strength from his comfort, and from being close to him—but finally my passion began to rise in response. I wondered if there would ever be a time when I could touch him and not be aroused. I moved in closer, deepening the kiss until we were both hard, and our bodies began to sing.

I kissed him hard. I wanted him. I wanted him now. But I had to make sure that he understood my feelings on the whole anal sex issue. “I still don’t want to do it, Jay.”

Pit bull or bloodhound, I didn’t know. Whatever he was, he was also frickin’ deaf. “You’ll like it my way, believe me.”

I laughed. “Your way? What? You think I was doing it wrong before? Because I tell you, there’s not much to understand to the act. Erection, insert penis, thrust until you come. Was I missing something?”

“You were catching instead of pitching, man.”

“Huh?”

“Position, man. You are too dominant to be on the receiving end. You can top with me and you’ll find it so much more satisfying. You’ve always seemed to me to be more of a natural top. You didn’t like it the other way because it isn’t who you are. You felt demeaned and out of control. Yeah?”

He was partly right, but I still felt uncertain. Could it be that simple? “But I don’t want to do that to you, Jay. You’re so vibrant and special.”

He kissed me long and deep. Our tongues began to duel and I brought my pelvis into contact with his so we could rub together. “Do you think that by penetrating me you’ll hurt me, Liam?”

I sighed. Jay was being so stubborn on the point, and here I was, wanting to get some loving! “Not hurt you exactly, just make you feel less… less good… about yourself.” I was having trouble explaining to Jay the mixed emotions I felt after my previous experiences.

“You think you’ll make me feel like a girl for being on the receiving end?”

I grimaced. “Something like that.”

Jay didn’t laugh at me. He just smiled and reached down to feel me through my jeans. “Liam, darling. If you take this lovely big cock of yours and in your terms ‘erection, insert, and thrust,’ believe me, I will be screaming so loud that I won’t know if I feel like a girl, a guy, or a bloody blue-ringed octopus. I do know, however, that I will feel absolutely, fucking great. Your neighbors will know that I feel great. I’m pretty sure that I will feel so great that they will call the cops to report a murder taking place and you will need your brothers to bail you for public disturbance.”

I chuckled. “Have you seen my neighbors? I think it would have to be gunfire and a missile to make them give a shit about anything other than their own lives.”

Jay smiled coyly and ground against me. “If you provide the missile, I guarantee I will provide the gunfire.”

I groaned at his sick joke. “Oh, shit, that was bad, man.” I rested my head against his chest. “Don’t make jokes about that anymore, please!”

His hands were busy undoing my trousers and pushing them away. “I’ll promise to not make any more jokes if you promise to use this big boy on me.”

“No…. Babe….”

“I promise I’ll love it.”

“Jaaa-aay….”

It was a groan of concession and he knew it. He practically flew out of my arms, stripping off his clothes as he danced around the bedroom, clapping and singing in a little girl’s voice. “Yay! Jamie’s going to get fucked well and good tonight. Jamie’s going to get his arse reamed. Jamie’s going to have so much fun.”

I choked and threw myself down on the bed face-first. The guy was a total nut case! But he made it fun and less stressful than it would’ve been otherwise. He acted like a kid on Christmas morning as he laid out a condom and lube for our use before turning to me with a pout. “Come on, come on! Jamie’s getting impatient! Strip off and use that missile!” He attacked me and practically dragged the clothes from my body. I tried to distract him by cupping his cock in my hand and bending my body around to take him in my mouth, but he stopped me.

“Uh, uh, uh! Naughty Liam! None of that now. Liam has a job to do and he is getting sidetracked.” My breath exploded in laughter against his stomach.

I growled at him, low and rough. “Liam wants a lollypop before his job.”

Jay descended into giggles and wrapped his legs around me, trapping my cock against his stomach. “Nope! Lollypops are for good little boys, and Liam is a bad, bad boy. Liam needs to be a baaa-aaad boy and make Jay-Jay feel good.”

The guy had a screw loose somewhere, but he was correct in saying that Liam needed to make Jay feel good. Making Jay feel good was rapidly becoming my favorite pastime. And if Jay insisted that fucking him until he came would make him feel good, well, I was willing to at least try.

I pinned him to the bed with my weight, forcing his arms above his head so I could kiss him senseless. He thrust against me, moving his hips but not trying to break the hold I had on his wrists. The feel of his naked body against mine was ecstasy. His smooth skin stroked mine. His pubic hair brushed against my sensitive shaft. His hardened cock prodded my hip. I wondered how I had gone my whole adult life without doing this on a regular basis. I completely understood what Aaron meant now—being with Jay was the best thing ever. I never wanted it to stop and I constantly thought about when I was going to get him naked in bed with me next.

Once we were both breathless, I removed my hands from his wrists so I could explore his supple body. His body astounded me and never failed to turn me on. He was thin and slight, almost like a girl, but when you touched him, the hard, flexible muscle under the skin was as hot as all fuck. He was pale, but the paleness was extreme beauty to me. He reminded me of a lion, all tawny and fair, sunning himself on the Savannah—cuddly and cute, but with an edge of danger about him. And should a delicious meal suddenly present itself, he would be strong, resilient muscle that was tougher than any other on the African plains.

Jay immediately tried to roll from under me, but I wasn’t having any of that. He was my captive and I was going to enjoy him however I wanted to, with no interference. I forced his arms back over his head. “Stay!” He smirked at me, as if he knew that was what I was going to do, and that is why he had deliberately moved. I growled, “No sass in my bed!” before biting him on his chest, just above the nipple.