Loving Kate (Acceptance #3) (4 page)

Stop it, Mike, don’t even go there.

Her eyes dart nervously around. I catch her attention and wave and watch as relief floods across her face. It stings a little that she would think I’d stand her up, but I understand exactly why she would. I was such a bastard to her. She slides in the booth and the first thing I notice is how good she smells. I’m not sure what it is, but there’s something about both Misty and Kate that makes my dick hard just from their scent alone.

The waitress takes our orders and we sit in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. “I’m sorry, Misty. You were my friend and the way I treated you was reprehensible.”

“You’re right, Mike. It was. You hurt me more than you could ever imagine. Was the sex that bad? Personally, I thought it was pretty fantastic but something had to have been wrong for you to cut me out of your life like that.”

Is that why she isn’t having sex? Because she thought she was bad in bed all this time?

“No, Misty. God no. The sex was amazing, it was just…too much. And we
were
friends, really
good
friends, and I think that was the problem.”

Confusion is written all over her face. “How could us being friends be the problem? Isn’t the ultimate goal of any good relationship to be friends as well as lovers?”

Our conversation halts as the waitress delivers our coffee and it gives me a minute to collect my thoughts. My answer needs to be honest because I
can’t
mess things up with her even more. “Because I was really messed up back then. You were the first real female friend I made after leaving home.”

She blows gently on her coffee and raises an eyebrow, indicating she wants more. “We talked about Kate; I told you more about her than I did anyone else. I’m sure you knew I wasn’t over her.”

Misty sets down her coffee and her gaze meets mine. “Yes, I knew you and Kate had been childhood sweethearts. And I also knew that there was still a part of you that loved her. How could you not? You don’t just get over something like that.”

She pauses and sips her coffee. “But where you were closed off to most people, you were open to me. We had fun together and it always seemed like we had a connection, at least to me. So when you kept reiterating we were just friends, it felt like you needed to convince
yourself
of that fact. Not because that’s how you actually felt.”

Did I have my head that far up my ass?

No, I was just that good at avoiding things I didn’t want to deal with.

“It’s partially my fault, too. I pushed you into having sex that night. I just thought if I could finally tear down your walls you’d let me in all the way.” Her words are laced with sadness and regret and I hate that she’s spent these last few years feeling this way.

“Misty, I wouldn’t have had sex with you if I didn’t want to. After you fell asleep, I went downstairs because I was freaked out. I had all these mixed feelings and
that
was the problem. I wasn’t
supposed
to feel. But God help me, I did with you and it scared me.”

“You were scared?” she asks anxiously.

“Hell yes I was scared. I wasn’t supposed to feel the things I was feeling for you. I was still in love with Kate and being with you made me feel like I was cheating on her. And it gutted me; I didn’t know what to do or what to think. I’d
never
felt that before. I’d never let
anyone
get close enough to feel that. So I pushed you away and I ignored you. It was
so fucking hard,
Misty. You have no idea.”

“It was hard for you? You have
no
idea how
hard
it was for me. It’s ironic, too, because afterward I became just like you. Well, not exactly. I didn’t fuck anyone, still haven’t, not since that night. I just got really good at pushing everyone away.”

I’m shocked at her words and completely ashamed at how my actions have affected her. When she said she hadn’t been having sex I just assumed it was a temporary hiatus. It never even occurred to me it had been
that
long. She wipes away a falling teardrop and slightly clears her throat.

“It wasn’t a secret you were a bad boy, you never kept that fact hidden. You liked to fuck random girls and I
knew
that. Our friendship just meant so much to me and I stupidly started falling in love with you.”

Oh hell.

She brushes away even more tears but she’s determined not to be upset—I can see it in her eyes, the way she straightens her back and squares her shoulders. She’s trying so hard to be strong. I hurt her so badly.

“Misty…I…” My eyes lower to my coffee and I try to process what she just said. Daniel was right—she had feelings for me. Of course she did, deep down I knew it all along since I had feelings for her, too. “I’m sorry, Misty. It’s weak and it’s not an excuse and I understand if you can’t forgive me.”

I reach across the table, take her hand in mine, and gaze into her beautiful, sad eyes. “But for what it’s worth, I’m not that guy anymore. I’ve grown a lot, and I would never do to you again what I did back then.”

She clenches my hand tightly. “I know, Mike. I wouldn’t be here if I thought you would. My life has changed a lot since you left. I’ve got so much on my plate and no support system to help me with my grandma and responsibilities at home. Just to meet you tonight I had to get someone to stay with her longer.”

“I’m sorry.”

She pulls away from me quickly, fire flashing in her eyes. “I’m not telling you so you can feel sorry for me, Mike. I’m telling you this so you can have a small inkling of what is going on in
my
life. If you want to be friends again, hanging out will be challenging. At most, you
might
get me for coffee on my breaks at the diner.”

“And what if I want you for more than friends?”

Where did that come from? Damn, no fucking filter!

She gives me a look that is somewhere between thoughtful and skeptical. “I’m not ready to go there yet. You broke my trust and now you need to earn it back. Stay consistent in my life as much as you can, Mike, and I’m sure we’ll get there someday.”

“So the door’s not closed?” I ask her with a smile as she stands to leave, and for a split second there’s a glimpse of the happy girl I used to call my friend.

“The door has always been open, Mike. It’s just been up to you to walk through it.”

My eyes follow her to the door and before she exits, she turns around and waves. There’s only one other girl who has ever made me feel as mixed up emotionally as I’m feeling right now. Maybe Kate was right. Maybe it’s time to think about moving on.

Daniel

I’m lying in bed with all the lights turned off. The only illumination is my phone every time I swipe my screen and stop myself from texting Kate. In the last hour alone I’ve gone to text her at least a hundred times.

Kate.

I’m so angry at her.

I’m so in love with her.

When Vanessa and I broke up I was angry, bitter, betrayed, and confused. For months I berated myself for being so stupid and falling into her trap. I had never experienced anything like that before and it took meeting Kate for the traces of those emotions to
finally
go away. But the anger I feel now, the rage that boils under the surface of my skin and pounds through my veins, is scary. It’s
nothing
like how I felt when everything went down with Vanessa. This is primal and raw and almost completely out of control.

All day long my conversation with Mike has been replaying in my mind. Each time it becomes louder and more insistent in my thoughts.

She would have forgiven you.

She would have forgiven you!

SHE WOULD HAVE FORGIVEN YOU! 

Who knows, maybe she would have, or maybe she would be just as angry as I am right now. Even though I know she didn’t set out to hurt me intentionally and I know she’s not a spiteful person, I still can’t help feeling like I got played. I’m also not necessarily sure if I buy the fact that she and Mike really aren’t going to get back together. I
know
he loves her and she loves him. And now, to top it all off, they have these matching tattoos to bond them for life. Coupled with their love story that’s mapped out on Mike’s sleeve in all its Technicolor glory, why
wouldn’t
she want to be with him?

Could I really try and be more than just friends with her? Because if I let her back in and she chooses him, it would obliterate me. I couldn’t handle losing her twice in one lifetime. Mike did call earlier to see if I needed anything and asked for me to let him know when I needed reinforcements to help with Lucas. He also made sure to tell me he was meeting Misty for coffee and was trying to mend their broken relationship. I’ll admit, I let myself feel a tiny speck of hope when he told me that, and maybe
that’s
why I can’t get Kate out of my mind.

I flip my phone on again, but this time it’s to look at my screensaver. It’s a picture my mom took of me holding Lucas the very first time after finding out he was mine. Even though I never said it out loud, from the second I heard Vanessa was pregnant I
knew
it was my baby. I hoped against hope it was Mike’s because I already had my family planned out in my head with Kate
not
Vanessa. And now I feel beyond guilty for ever wishing that was the case.

As unexpected as Lucas was, he was never unwelcomed. The moment I saw him I was a changed man and I knew my life would never be the same again. The amount of love I feel for him is indescribable. It’s something I can’t even talk to my friends about because until you’ve had a child, you have nothing to compare the feeling to. But Kate would understand because she’s felt that love, and even worse, she’s lost it.

Every part of my being wants to pick up the phone and call her but I’m terrified once I hear her voice I’ll go into a full blown rage. We seemed to do okay at the hospital—she gave me my space and we mostly stayed on opposite sides of the room. She did give me a half hug and wish me tear-filled congratulations before leaving and I knew how hard that was for her. My own heart felt as if it were breaking in tandem with hers. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to hold her and cry with her—cry for everything we lost and for not having this baby together like we’d hoped for. But I couldn’t because that would essentially be regretting Lucas, and I could
never
regret my son.

Kate wouldn’t want you to, either.

I’ve been thinking a lot about her and Lila Hope since Lucas came into the world. If anything ever happened to Lucas I don’t know how I’d be able to go on. And yet, Kate did; she’s one of the strongest people I know. She’s stronger than I could ever be and it makes me love her that much more. But that terrifies me, because how can I love someone so much when my body is filled with just as much anger toward them?

Baby steps, just take baby steps.

That’s what I told her we would do and at the end of the day there’s not any room in my heart to hate her. I just hate what she did, and every time I picture her in Marc’s arms and imagine all the things he did with her in his hotel, I see red.

She’s mine and no one is supposed to know what that’s like but me.

If I can just do something each day to let my love for her overshadow the pain I’m in, I’ll eventually find a way to at least be her friend. Kate will never give up Marc’s friendship and I could never look at the two of them together without feeling the hurt and anger I do. If she wouldn’t give him up for Mike she
definitely
won’t give him up for me. And I would never ask her to, which is just another of the many reasons why this will never work between us.

I’m so nervous; I can’t believe I have to do this alone. Vanessa and I should be doing this together. My parents just left, and as excited as they are to be grandparents, I could also sense sadness there, too. They don’t want me doing this alone even if it’s for a few days, but they also know I have to.