Loving Nicole (19 page)

“I just came from there. He’s still holding his own. The doctor said they were bringing you to him in a little while,” Dragon answers.

“Yeah, I only got to see him for a minute because of his lung,” I reply, staring out the window opposite of Dragon. I don’t want to see him right now. Seeing him
hurts
.

“Mama, we have to talk if we’re ever going to get past this.”

“Some things… you just can’t get past.”

“We can.”

“You let me think you were dead, Dragon. You let me grieve for you, hurt and blame myself. You destroyed me and now you just expect me to forgive you and be grateful you’re back.”

“I didn’t have a choice, Nicole. I did what I had to do for the club, to keep us all safe.”

“I’m starting to hate the club.”

“Nicole,” he sighs and starts again. “Mama…”

“Tell me, Dragon, if you could only save one of us? The club or me? Would I lose out to the club again?”

“Damn it, Nicole! That’s not fair. I did what I did to protect what was mine, and that includes you. A man ain’t a man, if he’s weak.”

I close my eyes. I’ve tried to hold it in, but he’s just not letting it go. So I decide to just let him have the cold, hard truth.

“You didn’t protect me, Dragon. Because of you, I nearly lost our child. I still might! Because of you? Our child is clinging to life, locked away from me, instead of in my arms; I can’t even feed him. A tube gets to feed him! You took so much from me, Dragon, I can’t even begin to count it all. So, forgive me if I don’t buy that you did it
all for me
.”

“What do you want from me, Nicole? People were dying. I had to put a stop to it. I was backed into a corner.”

“I don’t know, Dragon, maybe letting me in on what you had planned?”

“I had to move quickly, Kavanagh had too many eyes and he needed to believe that you were suffering. He needed to believe he had won. I didn’t have any other choice,” Dragon says.

That’s when I turn to look at him. Can he tell how cold I feel on the inside? I may never be warm again.

“There’s always a choice, Dragon. You just pick the one that means the most to you.”

“Damn it, Mama!”

“You need to leave.”

“Mama…”

“I’m tired, Dragon. Please, just go.”

“I’m not about to go until we fix this, Mama. You and I are forever.”

I ring the nurse, not bothering to respond.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Could you come here, please?”

“Are you hurting, Mama?” Dragon asks.

In more ways than I could ever tell you
. I think it, but I don’t tell him. He wouldn’t get it.

“Mrs. West?”

“It’s actually, Miss Wentworth,” I correct her, because right now, that seems extremely important. “Could you escort Mr. West out? I’m just too tired for company and I want to rest up before I go to see my son.”

The nurse looks between us confused, but nods.

“Certainly, if you’ll just follow me, Mr. West.”

“This is not over, Nicole.”

“This has been over since the moment you let me think you were gone, Dragon.”

“Bullshit,” he says and stomps out.

My head goes back against the pillow. I guess I won round one.

Dragon

T
wo weeks of
bullshit. That’s what I’ve gotten from Nicole. Two complete weeks of
bullshit
. She won’t see me, she won’t talk to me, and except for when we get to visit our son together, I get zero emotion from her. How do I go about fixing things with her if she’s not even going to try? Did I kill her love? Why can’t she understand that what I did, I did for all of us?

Today, Nicole gets to come home from the hospital. She doesn’t really want to. She wants to stay at the hospital with our child, but they are making her. Carrie finally got her to agree to stay at the hospital until the last visitation with Chase, and then come home to rest before going back.

Of course, I didn’t get any of that from Nicole. I hear everything second-hand these days. She even named our child without telling me. Chasin Donovan West. Kid will
hate
it.
Fuck
, I hate it. It doesn’t matter, he’ll get a road name when he’s old enough. The fact that I walked into the room to find he had been named pisses me off more than anything else. I let it slide, figuring she was just getting her own back, but I’m getting pretty sick of being shut out. Tonight I’ll finally bring her home and we’ll start getting this lined out. It can’t happen soon enough for me.

I miss having her in my arms and talking to her. I miss just being able to see her every day. Having her away from me, leaves the days empty.

I walk into her hospital room holding her favorite flowers, Peruvian Lilies. She’s standing up, putting her stuff in her overnight bag, when I walk in. She freezes, looks at me and back to the flowers. She sighs, and gives me a look like I kicked her dog or something, and then goes back to packing.

“All packed up to come home, Mama?”

“All packed,” she whispers, not bothering to look up.

“Do you like your flowers?” I finally ask, because I feel stupid holding them.

“You shouldn’t have.”

I’m tired. It’s been too long since I’ve had her lips. Maybe I need to remind her what we have together? I place the flowers on the bed and pull her gently to me. She holds herself stiff, but she comes. I wrap one arm around her and use my other to pull her chin up, so she looks at me. There’s such sadness in her blue eyes. I want to take it away.

“Mama…” I whisper, staring into her shimmering eyes, getting lost in their depths.

“Dragon, we need to…”

I press my lips against hers, stopping the sentence before she can finish it. My tongue slides into her open mouth. I taste her and groan at the burst of flavor. It’s been way too long since I’ve had this. I forcefully explore the depths of her mouth, owning it. She holds stiff against me for the space of a minute and then slowly melts in my arms. Her arms go around me to hold me close.
God, I’ve missed that.
Her nails dig into my back and I groan at the pleasure. Six weeks until I can have her.
Fuck
, I’ll never survive.

“Mama, I have missed your taste,” I say when we finally break apart. She keeps her head down, resting her forehead on my chest. We stand like that for a minute, I’m hoping to hear something from her. One small sign of encouragement. I get nothing but silence.

“Talk to me, Mama. Please, talk to me.”

“That shouldn’t have happened.”

“It definitely should have. It
will
happen—a fuck of a lot more.”

She looks up at me then, and I wish she hadn’t. The tears are there, hiding in the depths of those blue eyes.

“It can’t happen again.”

“Whose mark do you have on you, Nicole?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she whispers and it pisses me off.

“Whose mark, Mama?”

“Yours.”

“Do you love me?”

“Dragon…”

“Do. You.
Love
. Me. Woman.”

“I always will.”

“Then this isn’t over,” I tell her and she better fucking get that through her head. We will never be over.

“I can’t survive loving you again, Dragon.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“When I thought you died, my world went dark again. Only it was worse than it had ever been in my past, because now I know what it’s like to have love, to feel a part of someone. When you left, you took it all away and left me alone. I can’t survive that again.”

“I’m right here, Mama. I’m not going anywhere.”

“But you did, Dragon. You tore up my world so easily and
you
didn’t even stop to think what this plan you made would do. How it would affect me and our child. You made the decision, unilaterally, and you left me alone.”

“Mama…”

“You want us to go back, to be what we were. We can’t do that, Dragon. I can’t be that person with you again.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because I don’t trust you!” I cry. “I don’t trust me with you. What if a year down the road something else happens and you, once again, make a decision for the good of the club, to protect everyone, and it leaves me and our child hanging in the wind? How do I know you aren’t going to hurt me again? How do I know your decision won’t destroy me? Or worse, destroy our child.”

“Damn it, Nicole, you make it sound like I wasn’t even thinking of you. Part of the fucking reason I did all of this was to protect you and our child. Doing this allowed me to kill that son of a bitch.”

“Doing this caused our son to be in a neonatal unit fighting for his life. Did you take into consideration, Dragon, what kind of stress you were putting me under? How you were ripping apart your family, for the good of your club?”

“Damn it, Nicole, I told you the decisions I made were for you, our child and the club.”

“And I told you I don’t trust that.”

“So where does that leave us?”

“Over,” she whispers, pulling away from me.

I grab her arm and pull her back to me.

“Don’t you say that Nicole, don’t you fucking dare say that to me.”

“Dragon…”

“You’re hurt. I get that, woman. I made the decision and I should have thought it through more, but it’s done. I can’t go back. I did what I had to do so you and our son didn’t end up like Frog. I did what I had to do to protect what is mine, and that means you and Chase.”

“His name is Chasin.”

“How the hell would I know? You named him without even talking to me, damn it!”

“Gee Dragon, you
died
without consulting me!”

“Then be a pissy-ass-bitch, but don’t cut me out of your lives! Don’t pull us apart, when we don’t have to be. You thought you lost me and I was there! I know it sucked. God Mama, don’t you think it was as bad for me, not being able to be with you?”

“That right there! You see!”

“What the hell are you talking about now?”

“It wasn’t as bad for you, Dragon! It was nowhere
near
as bad! Do you know why? Because your fucking ass knew I was alive. You knew you would see me again! You knew where I was! You have no idea the hell I went through. You never once put yourself in my shoes.”

I pull away and rake my hand over my head.

Fuck this.

“So you’d rather tear us apart than to even try? What kind of weak-ass shit is that, Nicole? That’s not the woman I fell in love with.”

She just stands there looking at me. She says nothing.
Nothing
.

I sigh. I’m so tired. I’m tired as hell. I grab the flowers and throw them in the garbage, because apparently that’s what I am to her at this point.

“Let’s go see our son and get you back to the club.”

“I…I’m not going to the club, I…”

“You’re fucking what, Nicole?” I ask, my voice sounds as resigned and tired as I feel.

“I’m staying with Carrie and Dancer.”

I stare at her. I just stare. Yet another fucking decision made without me. Yet another motherfucking moment in which Nicole shows me I don’t factor into her world. Why do I keep fighting it?

“Fine. We’ll go see our son and then I’ll take you to Dance’s.”

“Carrie’s picking me up…”

“Of course she is. Tell me, is it fun, Mama?”

“What… what are you talking about?”

“Is it fun where you’re at? Cutting me up into little pieces and throwing me out with the garbage?”

Her face goes white, but I don’t ease up.

“Are you getting some of your own back? Is that what you’re doing? Cause, whatever this is, I hope you’re getting what you need from it. I get it. I hurt you. I wronged you, so you feel it gives you the right to get back at me. You want me out of your life, Nicole? Fine. You want to do this to us. What-the-fuck-ever. You can have it. I am fucking done. I’m going to see my son. I’m going to go have a fucking drink, maybe the fucking bottle, and I’ll leave you the fuck alone, like you seem to be wanting, so badly. So, have fun on your fucking high horse.”

I slam the door as I leave. I spend a few moments with Chase. When Nicole walks in, I don’t even look at her.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, C. Keep fighting,” I tell my son and then I leave. I don’t look back. Apparently, there’s nothing there for me anyway.

Nicole

D
o you ever
wish you could have that one moment back? That one moment when, even if you were in the right, you have the feeling that your decision, your actions or inactions changed the course of your life and fear what might happen?

As Dragon walked out of the room, that feeling swamps me and robs my air. I
lied
. I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want to live without Dragon. I love him. He loves me. The trouble is, I don’t think we love in the same way. He didn’t say he was sorry. He put me through hell, and I’m convinced that’s a major reason I went into labor. Then he accuses me of doing something wrong with Skull, on the day of his funeral! In the back of the limo, on the way to the cemetery with gunfire everywhere! I’m owed a freaking apology somewhere in that. He should be down on his knees begging for forgiveness and kissing my feet. Not making me feel like total shit (which he did) and walking out on me.

So, instead of following my first instinct and running after him, I watch him leave. If he doesn’t try to make things truly right, there’s nothing I can do. The acknowledgment of that sours in my stomach. I can’t help it. I have more than just me to think about now; I have Dominic.

I didn’t name our baby Chasin Donovan like he thought. I named our child Dominic West. No middle name; it wasn’t needed. I want him to have the same exact initials as Dragon, and I wanted a strong name, that’s true. Still, Dominic was Frog’s real name and I thought Dragon would like to remember the name of a brother who gave everything for the club. It seemed fitting. Dragon despised the name Chasin when we were going through the book, so, I had the hospital put that name on the card in his room. It was stupid, childish, and immature and I feel like a bitch now, but when the hospital said they needed to send papers off to name our child, I was stuck. If Dragon knew I named his son after someone in the club he would view it as me giving in and I couldn’t let that happen. I’m weak. It’s taking all I have to hold Dragon off. If he really comes at me, I’m not sure I can resist. Still, I need to fix it.