Loving Nicole (22 page)

“They have donors to provide milk or formula. Now, if you’re done questioning me? Toast, Sprite? Remember?”

“No OJ?”

“Afraid to try it.”

“Okay. It’s yours. Would you like to ride with me to see Dom this morning if your fever’s gone?”

“I’m afraid…I don’t want to get him sick.”

“You can wear a mask and suit up in all that garb. You don’t have to touch him, just see him. Come on Mama, I’ve missed having you on the back of my bike.”

I’d been taking a vehicle everywhere, because I didn’t want her on my bike when she was pregnant. It will feel good having her there again.

“I’ve missed it, too…but to be honest, I’m still real sore. Can we take the car?”

I only know a moment of disappointment, because she’s not insisting I leave her alone today.

“Anything you want, Mama.”

She gives me a strange look but goes on to the shower. I throw my shit on and hit downstairs. I search Carrie and Dance’s bathroom and find enough shit so I’m ready to roll, and then go out into the kitchen to fix Nicole’s toast. I toast half a loaf and manage to make four pieces that aren’t burnt to a crisp. Dance really should invest in a better toaster, those settings are fucked up. Then I set about foraging around and finding me something to eat.

Nicole comes down a little later. She’s wearing blue jeans and a silky blue top that matches her eyes. Her long hair is hanging down straight.
Have I mentioned how she takes my breath away?
I love this woman. How in the hell did I get to be the lucky son of a bitch she gave her heart to? I have to find a way to get her to trust me again.

“What the hell are you eating?” She asks, her face is priceless.

“A Twinkie. Found them in the cabinet. I haven’t had one in a long time. They’re dangerous. They have carcogenical things in them.” I say plopping the rest of the cake in my mouth.

“You are a regular laugh a minute today, aren’t you?”

I grin and lean back in the chair. I like that I make her smile.

“How’s the fever?”

“It seems to be gone,” she answers.

“So we’re a go for the hospital?”

She looks at me for a minute and my heart stalls. I might have pushed too hard, too fast. I prepare myself for rejection when she surprises me.

“I’d like that,” she whispers and she reaches out and takes my hand.

*

It’s late by
the time we get back from the hospital. I talked her into grabbing a bite to eat with me and the sun is starting to set by the time we get back to Dancer’s. She turns at the door and I can already tell she’s going to ask me to go home…alone. I bite back the demand on my tongue. I have to proceed carefully, I know that. I can’t take her shutting me out again.

“Hey Mama, you look sad, what’s wrong?” I ask when I notice there’s moisture in her blue eyes.

“I hate leaving Dom. I want him to be okay. I need for him to be….I want to bring him home. I can’t even feed him…” She whispers, her voice breaking.

My hand goes under her chin and I pull her in by our still joined hands.

“He’ll be home where he belongs soon, Mama. You heard the doctor this morning. He’s getting stronger every day.”

“I…know. It’s just after having him as a part of me for so long, it all feels empty now. I want to hold him, Dragon, feed him and rock him to sleep. Just
be
a mom to him.”

I kiss her forehead, because I don’t know what else to say to that. She should have all those things. Hell, we both should. I don’t like leaving Little D behind any more than she does.

“It’s been a good day, Dragon,” she says when we pull apart, but she still holds my hand.

“Let me come in, Mama. Don’t send me home without you.”

Her tongue darts out to run along the bottom of her lip and her eyes freeze on mine. I’ve never been the type of man to ask. I’ve never been the type of man to wait on a woman, but Nicole is not just
any
woman. She’s mine.

“Dragon, I…I need to think about things. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? At the hospital?”

I want to scream no. I don’t. I pull her in one last time, then let go of her hand to slide mine along the side of her hips. I let my fingers travel under her shirt so I can feel her skin. I need that touch to sustain me. She is, and always will be, my drug of choice.

“Tomorrow then Mama, if that’s what you want.” I whisper against her lips and then slowly kiss her. Not giving her my passion, but trying to show her how much love I have for her. I need her to know that she is….everything.

When the kiss finally ends she studies me closely then, breaks away to go inside. I stand there until I see the upstairs light come on.

“Everything been okay tonight?” I call out into the night.

Nailer and Hawk come around from each side of the house.

“Yeah Boss, no signs of anything,” Hawk responds.

“You really expecting trouble?” Nailer asks.

“Can’t be sure, but I want my woman protected at all times. So you yahoos look alive.”

“You got it,” Hawk says as they go back into position.

I go climb on my bike, trying to figure out how to get my woman home. I could be totally wrong, but I think when Daddy Kavanagh learns his son is missing he’s going to be looking for him. I need to be prepared and that means having my family close.

Nicole

I
am exhausted.
Between fending off Dragon’s increasingly sexual advances the last several weeks and being here at the hospital twenty-four seven, I’m drained. The bright spot of everything is that Dom is being moved to a regular crib tonight. If he manages to stay warm and do okay in it for a couple of nights, I get to bring him home. He’s grown so much, but he’s still smaller than any baby I’ve seen. Last night a baby died that had been in the incubator beside Dom. My heart broke for Sarah—the mom. She was a single parent and had zero support. I gave her my number, I’m hoping she’ll stay in touch, but I’m afraid seeing Dom may be too much for her.

Dom is doing so good now. I get to hold him and feed him. I breastfeed before I go home, and we use my milk in bottles during visiting hours. I don’t like using the bottles, so I’ve thought about breastfeeding all the time, but Skull, and even that guy Diesel, is still around and they pop in all the time. I’m pretty sure Dragon would kill both of them if they walked in while I was breastfeeding. Especially since I haven’t even let Dom feed in front of him.

It’s weird; I’m nervous around Dragon now. I don’t know how to act sometimes. I love him. I want to fix what is between us, but I’m afraid, terrified actually. He promises I don’t have to worry about him ever doing something like this to me again. He tells me he’s sorry, but I don’t think he gets how deeply he wounded me. In the back of my mind I can’t help thinking he will keep something else from me. Or worse, he’ll just make a decision, do it and not tell me, and leave me and Dom alone, on our own. My brain is a jumble of emotions when it comes to Dragon, and I can’t trust myself around him. Ever since the doctor cleared me for sex, I have been pushing him away. I crave him and if I don’t keep him at a distance? I’m going to give in. It’s a miracle I haven’t already. I watch as he leans down and kisses Dom’s head. It’s a beautiful picture. This strong badass biker covered in tats and wearing a leather cut, bending down and being so delicate with his son. I wish I had a photo of it; Dom needs to see that. I vow to take a picture of it soon, so I can put it up in Dom’s nursery, whenever I move out of Dance and Carrie’s house. I should have already been looking for a place, but there just never seems to be enough time. Plus, every time I mention it Dragon goes a little crazy. He doesn’t understand why I won’t come home. I’m not even sure I understand. I do know the reasons are all summed up in one word.
Fear
.

“You ready to go, Mama?”

“Go?” I ask, because I drove here. I’m not sure what he’s got up his sleeve now, but again the word
fear
comes to mind.

“I thought we could go look at cribs for Dom and fix his room up at the club.”

Oh boy
.

“Uhh…Dragon I’m bringing him home with me….to Dancer and Carrie’s.”

Dragon’s face goes solid, like I’m watching and it turns to stone—granite even. You can just see this mask of hardness come over him.

“Let’s go. We’ll talk in the car.”

“Dragon, I drove here.”

He walks to me and pulls me from the chair I’m sitting in so I am standing in front of him. He leans in and whispers into my ear, and I get chills. These, however, have nothing to do with sexual awareness. He’s mad—
really mad
.

“I’m not fighting in front of my child. Dom will not hear his parents going at each other. But listen to me, Mama, and listen
well
. We
will
have this out. We
will
be talking about this and there is no motherfucking way my son is going to another man’s house when he leaves here. Now get your shit and let’s get out of here.”

I get my stuff and think I might be in shock, because I should be ready to cut his balls off, but instead, I’m aroused as hell. It has to be hormones still running amuck. Surely, that’s it? I mean, I haven’t had sex in like over three months, hell maybe four, the time is starting to blur. I follow Dragon down to the parking garage. I say follow, because there’s no way I can keep up with this stomping-mad, long-legged, jackass. I’m about out of breath just trying.

When we get down there, I start to go to my car and Dragon grabs my arm and steers me to his instead.

“Dragon, you can’t just tell me what to do!” I gasp, but he has the passenger door open and is lifting me up and sitting me in the seat, before I can even blink. He reaches around, buckles me in and I sputter trying to form coherent words when he slams the door—in my face.

He climbs in on his side, starts up the car and heads out on the main road.

“Dragon! I can’t just leave my car there! Besides, I have things to do to make sure Dom’s room is ready.”

He doesn’t answer, instead he reaches for his phone.

“Yo, Bull? Can you have one of the boys pick up Nicole’s car at the hospital? Yeah man. We’ll vote on it at Friday’s church. Later.”

“What did you do?”

Silence.

“Damn it, Dragon! You answer me right now or I’ll…”

“Shut it, Mama.”

“
Shut
…listen, I’ve had enough. You can’t just…”

He swerves the car, pulling over to the side of the road and slams it into park. It comes to a stop with a groan, and he cuts the engine.

“You want to have this out here, Mama? Fine, we’ll have it out here. How about the fact that I’ve let you lead me around by my dick long enough, and you are going to get this fucking knot out of your ass once and for all!”

I look at him like he’s insane, because I think he is. I unlatch my seat belt then open the door and jump out. Screw this, I’ll walk home.

I don’t get but just a few steps before he’s pulling me back to him. I try to fight him, to break free, but it’s impossible.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He barks.

“Walking home!”

“Fuck, woman, you haven’t been home in months!”

I stop fighting him and go still. He doesn’t let me go, but his hold loosens.

“You took that from me.”

He lets go and turns me around to face him. It’s dark and I can barely make out his face. A car goes by and its headlights highlight his features, briefly. I can see nothing but the confusion etched there.

“Nicole…”

“You took it all. You took safety. You took my heart and crushed it. You took happiness. You took my
fucking
air, Dragon. You cut my chest open, yanked my heart out and threw it on the ground! All I could do was stand there, looking at it and
bleed
. Alone!
You did that
! Now you think I can just put that away and everything will be fine! Gee! Wow! Look here! I’m not dead!
Just kidding!
I had to do it honey! I had to do what was best for you and the club! It’s all better now! You know what Dragon?
Fuck you
!”

I’ve lost it. Tears are pouring down my face and it pisses me off even more because I don’t want to cry more over this man. I’ve cried fucking rivers, and he thinks I’ve just got a
knot in my ass
?

“What the fuck did you expect me to do, Nicole? The bastard had me by the balls. He was taking pot-shots at us. I just lost a man. A man I
liked
. A man I respected. My woman left me standing at the fucking altar with a fucking monkey suit on. My best friend had flown the coop. I had to make a quick decision. I had to take control and be the fucking man I was before you. The fucking man I
still
am, Nicole. I had to go on the attack or he was going to hurt you, hurt our baby. I didn’t have much of a fucking choice. I did what I’m trained to do, damn it. I went to war. Hit him, when he didn’t think I could.”

“You left me alone, Dragon. You took…you took my world,” I whisper brokenly.

Dragon

M
y woman is
standing in front of me, tears pouring down her face and finally that cold shell she’s encased herself in has started to crack. While I hate the pain that I’ve caused her, the fact she’s finally letting me see it, gives me hope.