Loving Sarah (30 page)

“Before you do, I have one question,” Ren said. “As the heir to an earldom, you also will need heirs. It is unknown if she could ever provide those heirs. Does the fact that she may not bear you children change your feeling?”

“Of course not!” Ian couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Sarah is my
wife
,” he stressed. “I decided before we reached China, before I ever learned she carried my child, that I needed to apologize for some of the things I said to her before I left. I realized what an ass I was and knew winning her affections again would take nothing less than a profound apology and vow of my affections.” He studied the men across from him and knew they would understand when he said, “I missed her every day, and” —he swallowed hard, unused to emotion of this tender sort— “I…love her.”

“Then you wish to remain wed?” Michael said. “Because if you don’t, we had planned to tell Sarah at some point in the future that you had died and she was now a widow.”

“You would add
that
sorrow for her to bear as well? You bastards,” he hissed.

“I would do anything to protect my family,” Ren snapped back. “And as you’ve made it clear that you didn’t care about the earldom, I could provide substantial incentive for you to easily disappear and take up a new life elsewhere. Perhaps back in Baltimore.”

“If children were going to be an issue for you, I had planned to assist you in a quiet annulment so that you might re-marry.” Michael paused and looked to Ren, whose expression had already softened. “But as that is not the case now….”

Ian had heard his brothers-in-law were a ruthless pair—shrewd in business and protective toward the family. Never had he been witness to anything that would credit those rumors. Until now.

“She’s my wife, damn you,” Ian rose and began to pace the room. How could he get it across to them? How many times did he have to say that he was committed to Sarah? “I love
her
, not her ability to breed the heirs and do the social juggling and what-not that is so vital to your class.”

“It’s your class too, Ian,” Lucky reminded him, as he stood and poured himself a drink. “And Sarah is my sister. I understand what Ren and Michael are saying. Their intent is only to protect her. Regardless of whether or not you are offended.”

“Is this something you will be able to overcome, Ian?” Ren asked. “We need to know. She’s had a horrible time these past months. She’s just starting to smile again.”

“We can work through this together,” Ian said with more resolve than he ever thought he’d had. He followed Lucky to the sideboard and poured himself one of what Lucky was drinking. “She’s not the frail china doll you think she is. She’s got courage and spirit beyond what you know. I’ve seen it.”

The room was uncomfortably quiet a moment, and when he turned back to them, the two men nodded, then Ren grew serious. “I’m sure you discovered the transactions I executed for Sarah while you were away. When she came to me and asked that I do this, I told her you weren’t going to be happy about it. She insisted, and in the end, I supported her decision. But rest assured, neither Michael nor I influenced her in any way.”

“I counseled her legally, and Ren financially, but all decisions were hers alone.”

He nodded. “I’m sure she did what she thought was best after discovering her changed condition. I understand that now. It’s just that I wanted to pay my own debts without her funds.”

“I’ve told you before,” Lucky said flatly, “we do things differently here. That money
is
yours.”

Ian scowled at Lucky and the other men. “Yes, but now it can be said that I had to marry an heiress to fund my business venture. Do you know how humiliating that is to someone like me?”

Lucky smirked. “As Seamus would say, ‘Ye daft American.’”

“Ian, rest assured that no one here believes you did that,” Ren said.

“There are men in far more desperate straits than you who
do
marry simply for the money,” added Michael. “Like my own uncle, some are honorable men whose predecessors gambled away the family fortune and now they have extended families to support.”

“There are other ways to get money than reaching for the girl who comes with the largest dowry.” Ian should know. He’d gone from nothing to co-owning his own tea import company.

“Not all men have noble intentions,” Ren said.

He was getting tired of this visit and wanted to see Sarah. “When can I see her?”

“Why don’t I send word that you’re here, and let’s give Lia and Elise time to prepare Sarah.” The Duke’s look turned serious, “She’s not as you remember her, Ian. She’s emotionally fragile. And while we wait, we can have some luncheon.”

Minutes later, the men entered the dining hall where a buffet had been laid for them. Ian was shocked to see the men serve themselves, piling their plates high with roasted ham and chicken, cucumber salad, and gravy potatoes. Ian’s hands shook as he placed some of the same on his dish, unsure if the nervousness came from the fact that he would be seeing Sarah for the first time since that night in Liverpool or the events since. He’d changed so much in the last months, most of it in just the last hour when he’d learned what she’d gone through while he was away.

He hadn’t lied when he’d said the decision to remain wed was made on the journey, before he’d even learned she carried his children. He’d driven himself and his crew hard the entire trip, because it was the only way he could sleep at night. He had to be so physically exhausted he could do nothing
but
sleep, and even then, his rest had been bothered by memories of Sarah.

His nights had been in living hell in which he never slept without dreaming of her. A day never passed where he didn’t feel her spirit on his boat. She was the reason he couldn’t sleep in his cabin any longer. It was the place where they’d loved—physically and emotionally. Once he realized this, he knew that he was incomplete without her in his life.

Now Sarah needed him, and he would not fail her. He was fortunate to be given a chance to start over with the woman he’d come to love. He had the opportunity to court her properly and make memories that would hopefully counter the ones from before—ones that were sure to hurt Sarah in ways she didn’t deserve. Ian wished he could bring back the adventurous, witty, and perpetually happy young lady from the early days of the Atlantic race—from the time before his callous words had broken her heart.

S
arah paced the sitting room of her suite, twisting a linen handkerchief in her hands as she spoke with her sister and sister-in-law. She knew the day would come when the man who was her husband would arrive; she just hadn’t expected it so soon. Try as she might, she could not recall him. She had no mental image of his face, no recollection of his personality, nor a single memory of their time together.

“Perhaps seeing Ian will help,” Lia said. “Then you might remember the events of the year past.”

“You said I loved him,” Sarah began, wanting to know the truth as they knew it. “But did he love me?”

“We believe he did, though I don’t know that he ever said the words to you,” Elise said. “Lucky told Michael and Ren before he and Ian left for China that Ian’s actions were always honorable toward you and he cared a great deal about you.”

“Tell me again, how did we meet?” Sarah listened as they told her the story again. It did sound like something she would do, sneaking off and trying to stow away with Lucky. She remembered regretting not doing that same thing on his previous tea run to China and thinking she’d do just that on one of his future voyages.

So on this trip to New York, the man said they became intimate, which led to their hasty marriage there. This meant she became intimate with this man whom she barely knew. From what she remembered of herself before the race, that did not sound like something she would have done.

“Why couldn’t we have waited to come home and marry?”

“Lucky did what he thought was the right thing after you had been compromised by sharing a cabin with him.”

Sarah continued pacing. Worried now that with the loss of his children, this man who was her husband might wish to end their marriage. A man in his position needed heirs, and now that Prescott had ruled that possibility remote, her husband could quite readily seek, and receive, an annulment. If he did that, she would be shamed.

“I wonder…was he happy I carried his children?”

“He didn’t know, Sarah,” Lia said truthfully.

“I see.” She stopped and looked from one sister to the next. She didn’t fear her future
without
this man, but she did fear a future
with
him because she didn’t remember him. “I don’t remember him. And he quite possibly did not love me, especially if he was forced to marry me.” Sarah straightened and lifted her chin. “He should seek an annulment now. This way he can have his freedom to wed someone he
can
love and with whom he might have children, especially because he was likely forced into marrying me in the first place.”

“Perhaps you should wait and see what your husband thinks,” Elise said. “After all, you were preparing a home for him at Greenwood. The staff had been hired and remodeling completed. And you planned the same for your house in Mayfair.”

“I agree, Sarah. Until the tragedy, you were committed to making the marriage work,” Lia added.

Silence filled the cavernous suite as Sarah thought about a future with this man she couldn’t remember. His name sounded familiar, as he was Lucky’s business partner. But she could not put a face to his name. It was the most troubling thing about this episode of amnesia—not remembering her husband. Both Lia and Elise, in their attempts to comfort her, had both said it was a good thing that she didn’t remember the event that caused the lapse in her memory because she was sure to be traumatized by it. It was also a blessing because she didn’t have a strong bond with the babes causing her to mourn them.

It all sounded so bizarre. She’d obviously been intimate with her husband on at least one occasion. She couldn’t recall, though she wished she could. There was an enormous part of her life that was missing in not having this memory of him—a part of her felt removed from the entire situation. There was a deep curiosity, but as she didn’t know if she loved him, there wasn’t much more emotion toward him than that. “You say he is here? Is he downstairs?”

“Yes, dear,” Elise said. “Would you like to meet with him in the morning room or up here?”

“I shall see him in the morning room. It would be rather presumptuous of me, don’t you think, to invite a… stranger into my bedroom?”

Elise and Lia smiled. “You are right, dear,” Elise said.

Sarah took one last look into the mirror and realized she couldn’t do much more to help her appearance. Never able to apply rouge to her skin because of the rash it gave her, she pinched her cheeks a few times and smoothed the skirt of her dove gray morning dress. Trudy had wanted her to wear her pearls, but she’d decided against it. Even though she was seeing her husband for the first time in her memory, she was still mourning the loss of her sons, and the wearing of any jewelry seemed distasteful.

She nodded to Lia and Elise, then followed behind them as they led the way to the morning salon. Several times she thought to turn around and return to her room, asking Ian to leave because she feared she might not be ready to see him. Sarah knew she had to face him eventually, to see if any memories were triggered or if any relationship stood a chance in the face of her new reality. She trembled as Lia stood before the door, a footman at the ready to turn the knob when she directed.

“Will you come in with me first?” Nerves twisted Sarah’s insides. She hoped to high heaven she did not get sick in front of him. It would be the most humiliating thing to have happen. She closed her eyes and saw a privacy screen and chamber pot in a room she didn’t remember ever seeing before. A floral pattern carpet in a color unfamiliar to her flashed before her, and when she opened her eyes, she knew this was the right thing for her to do. She took a deep breath before nodding to the footman. She smiled at Lia and Elise. “If all goes well, then you can leave us alone.”

“I never planned to leave your side until you asked,” Elise replied.

“I love you both. If I’ve never told you before, I want you to know that now.”

The duchess nodded and signaled the footman to open the door. The three women entered the room, and Sarah smiled as she met Lucky’s gaze, then Ren’s and Michael’s. The last man had to be Ian. Her husband.

He stood almost exactly as tall as her brother, but was broader of chest with arms that were nearly as thick as limbs on the ancient oaks outside. But it wasn’t his size or musculature that she found intriguing or appealing. It was his rugged masculinity. The unspoken invitation, the invisible draw, and unmistakable sexuality of his mere presence that sent her insides to flutter uncontrollably.

She met his brown-green gaze, one that hinted of sadness and compassion, as she nodded and gave him as much of a smile as she could manage. Sarah tried valiantly to recall a memory of a time with him as he stepped toward her. His sun-kissed, thick blond hair fell onto his forehead when he bowed over her hand.

Her mind might not recall him, but her body certainly remembered him. Or at least his touch. She felt the heat rise to her cheeks as her knees went soft and her breath caught in her chest when this man lifted her hand and brushed his lips lightly across her knuckles. His fine, full lips lingered over long against her skin, and when she thought he would release her hand, he placed it against his warm cheek as he lifted his gaze to hers.