Loving Sarah (36 page)

“No. They’re not. I do horrible needlework. Even a blind woman can embroider better than I can.”

He sat on the rug next to her and gave the stitching a closer inspection. “You know,” he said, hoping he could lighten her mood, “you’re right. But when you think about what part of the body these cover and what they’re intended for, who cares what the initials look like?”

She laughed. “I suppose I do sound a bit silly, don’t I?”

He shrugged. “You’re entitled to a little lapse in reason. Just for tonight, mind you. Tomorrow you must be completely rational again. Our daughter depends on it.”

The linen she held fell to her lap as she sighed. “Oh, Ian. I had given up hope of ever becoming a mother, and now this miracle has come to me. Do you have any idea how truly blessed I feel right now?”

“I think I have some idea.” He hoped she understood that he, too, felt truly happy at the prospect of fatherhood. The fact that this baby wasn’t of his seed meant nothing to him. She was a beautiful infant in need of loving parents. He and Sarah were now Maura’s mother and father.

Sarah turned serious. “There is a cloud over my happiness, and it isn’t because of the twins.”

“What is it then?” Dear God, don’t let it be those memories. He could take just about anything but that right now.

She wiped a stray tear and took a deep, reinforcing breath. “That my brother is hurting because of the gift he’s given us. He bonded with Maura before he knew I’d lost the twins. And I know Lucky as well as you. He would have raised Maura as his own daughter. His words this morning were his way of convincing himself he was doing what he thought was right for the child. It wasn’t for my benefit. He was trying to ease his own pain.

“He has given me the greatest gift one human could give another, aside from laying down his life. He’s given
us
this gift, Ian. She’s
our
daughter, not just mine.”

Ian thought a moment before replying. She was right. Lucky had bonded with the baby girl the entire trip home from Portugal. He’d turned his cabin into a nursery for her and fed the child himself when he was not at the wheel. Lucky had immediately made whatever changes were necessary to his life to raise Maura. And when he discovered Sarah had lost her babes, and that it was unlikely she would ever have children again, his best friend willingly cut out his own heart to give it to his sister. “Then we shall do our best to make certain that Lucky is always a big part of Maura’s life.”

“Yes,” she said, “we should. He needs it. Maura won’t remember these events, but Lucky will.”

He stared at his wife, noticing for the first time that she wore a diaphanous robe over an equally enticing gown. He felt a familiar stirring, but his wife was likely not ready for lovemaking yet. “Are you ready for bed?”

She folded the last linen and placed it on top of the stack, then gave him her attention. “Did you want to ask me something? Why did you come?”

“For no reason,” he said, fingering the fringe on the edge of the rug. “I wanted to see if you were still happy.” He needed to tell her about his travel plans, but it just wasn’t the right time to burden her with the fact that he’d be leaving again.

She gave him a knowing little grin. “I think I know why you’ve come, and you don’t have to ask my permission to go. I’ll be fine while you’re gone. Elise is here in town, and soon Lia will be here as well.”

“How did you know?”

“Because as I sat in that chair in the library holding our new daughter, I overheard you and Lucky discussing the fact that you really should go, but you didn’t think it appropriate just yet.” She began to remove more baby items, setting them on the floor in front of the chest. “You shouldn’t think you need my permission to do your job. It’s your business, Ian. Please don’t let it suffer because of me.”

Something inside him swelled with pride at having this woman by his side. Not just in physical proximity, but as a mate and partner in life. He loved her. He may not have loved her the night he was forced to marry her, but by God, he did now. And he wanted her to know it.

“Are you certain? Lucky and I decided in the interest of time, that we should divide the list. He will go to Halifax and Baltimore, and I will go to Aberdeen only. I should only be gone about three weeks, four at most,” he said.

“I overheard Lucky say he will be gone two months,” his wife said.

“If we were together it would be three months or more that both of us are gone, and that puts us back just in time to prepare for departure to China. It would give you and me very little time together.” He really did not wish to be gone that long. Not when he and Sarah were happy again and they had Maura.

Sarah sat back on her heels and continued to lift clothing out of the trunk. “He is probably being nice to you because we are new parents.”

“Probably,” Ian mused, wondering if he should even leave at all knowing she hadn’t fully recovered her memory yet.

“I was joking, Ian,” she said. After glancing up at him, concern crossed her brow. “Ian, your business is sailing and bringing that highly desired beverage home to the English consumer. These will be your boats. Yours and Lucky’s. We both know you want to go. And Baltimore is near your childhood home, is it not?”

He nodded. It
was
his childhood home, though there was nothing or no one left for him there since his father’s death. He watched her sort more baby clothing as she continued chattering.

“If you go to Aberdeen only,” she said, “will you make a stop in Edinburgh to visit your grandfather? Your aunts wrote and said he had very much recovered from his illness, though Aunt Royce says he is still grieving the loss of his good friend, Lieutenant Morgan who passed the week prior to the onset of his heart malaise. I am sure it is difficult to lose such a close friend of so many years. Especially after going through so much together as they did. Why, I didn’t know….”

As Sarah chattered on about his grandfather, all he could think of was how much of a shame it was that the old bastard had not cocked his toes up and died as well as his lover. Eight years ago, his grandfather had sent his thugs to intimidate Ian into silence. Ian hadn’t said of word to anyone of what he’d seen, because he was too repulsed to think of it, let alone speak it. Later he sent a letter to his grandfather informing the old man that if anything happened to him, an affidavit would be sent to the admiralty of the events Ian had witnessed that long-ago day in his grandfather’s office. That handwritten note had sufficed to put a stop to the men following him.

“Husband, if you wish to remain with me, I would love to have you at home with us. But I think this might be a perfect opportunity for you to make peace with your grandfather. You both deserve it after all these years. It has weighed heavily on you for just the short time I’ve known you.”

“It can never happen, sweetheart. He will never agree to it.”

They stared at each other for a moment. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed the open palm. He heard her intake of breath and knew she felt that same burst of heat he’d felt upon touching her. “I have missed you, Sarah. I will not be gone long.”

She lifted her hand to his cheek and rested it there. “Now that I remember you, husband, I will miss you each time you sail.”

Ian leaned forward and brought his lips to hers gently, sweetly. Afraid of hurting her, he didn’t pressure her. Even though every inch of him screamed to make love to this woman, his fear of being too rough after all these months without her won over, and he held himself in check. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers as he stroked her arm under the bell sleeve of her robe. Her skin so soft and her scent so tempting.

“Dr. Prescott says I’m well now, Ian,” she whispered.

“It’s been a long time, Sarah, and I…I’m afraid I might hurt you.”

“It’s been equally long for me, and I need you.”

“Are you sure?” Even as he said the words, he was afraid of hurting her. How on earth was he supposed to temper his emotion? This woman had no idea what she did to him physically. One look, one word of invitation from her, and his cock was as hard as a lad about to bed his first lassie. He also feared getting her with child and possibly losing her the next time. His father never recovered after losing his mother. Ian didn’t want to imagine that pain.

Instead of replying to his question, she led him to the bed. “I was sure this morning after remembering how good this was between us.”

“Now, here’s the woman I fell in love with.”

C
HAPTER
S
EVENTEEN

“
T
he candles….” Sarah said as she moved to stop the flow of gas to the sconces on the wall. She couldn’t bear for him to see her with the flame lit, surely he’d find her body repulsive now.

“Oh, no.” A wicked grin spread across his handsome face when he took her hand and pulled her back to him. “I want to see you, sweetheart.

“I’m not as you remember,” she whispered as her head fell onto his chest. “I’ve changed.”

“How so?”

She had to tell him, for he would surely notice. “Aside from this…memory problem, there are…physical changes. To my body, Ian.”

Sarah feared his revulsion when he saw the marks on her belly and breasts. Marks from her skin stretching while she was pregnant with the two babies. Lia had told her they would fade with time, but in the almost five months since her miscarriage, they’d not diminished as much as she’d liked.

He leaned back slightly and tilted her chin so she might see his face. “Do you think that I might find you less desirable because of it?”

She closed her eyes and nodded. She didn’t think she could stand to see that look in his eyes when he realized for the first time how truly hideous she’d become underneath her corset and fine dresses.

“Sarah, love, you’re wrong.”

His hands untied the ribbon beneath her throat holding the robe together and gently parted the filmy material. He let it fall silently to the floor at their feet. He bent his head and traced tiny kisses over her bare shoulders, sending shivers racing over her entire body and a clenching sensation in the vicinity of her barren womb. She choked down her tears before they interfered with their loving. Now was not the time to think of her sorrow, not now, when they had a future together—one that included their new daughter.

The ribbon-thin straps of her nightdress fell down her arms as Ian murmured, “You are more beautiful now than the first time we made love.” His thumbs raked across her nipples. “That night you captivated me with your delectable” —the gown slid over her hips and pooled atop the robe— “and very distracting charms.”

His hands caressed her curves, more pronounced now than before. She wondered if he really didn’t object to them or find them as unattractive as she did. “So soft and perfect.” His hot, moist breath over chilled skin heated her blood and caused her heart to pound a little faster. His fingers sliding up and down her thighs and hips caused a rippling effect over her entire body, and she suddenly felt herself grow moist with readiness for his loving. He bent and lifted her naked body and laid her gently in the center of her turned-down bed. She grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her body as he stepped away to divest himself of his own clothing.

“Think of this….” He kicked off his shoes. “When the great masters painted the female nude, did any of them ever paint a thin, half-starved form? I don’t think they did.” As he unbuttoned the last button on his shirt, it fell where he stood, and he began to unbutton his trousers. “And why do you think that is? Could it be perhaps that what a man thinks is the ideal female form differs from what a woman believes it to be? You are a woman with a woman’s body. No longer a girl with the body of a girl. You are now soft and gently rounded where you should be. And yet, you worry over whether I will be repulsed by the lines that mar the skin on your breasts and belly.” After undoing the last of the buttons, Ian kicked the trousers off, sending them across the room. Sarah got a glimpse of his erection and closed her eyes, suddenly remembering how he felt and how he tasted. She turned into the pillow, choking down her tears. She was not going to cry over his beautiful words. He was making her feel desired. And loved.

“You couldn’t be more wrong, Sarah-love. I see them as a symbol of your womanhood. Your body held our children. Not one, but two! Though we were not blessed with having them live, you did your best to care for them. I know this fact if I know nothing else of you. You loved our children as you now love Maura and as you will love our future children as well. I
know
this.”

He slid onto the bed next to her and pulled her close to him. He took the pillow she held and tossed it off the bed, continuing to touch and soothe her—something she very much appreciated and needed, especially this first time.

“The marks are ugly,” she whispered. “But as long as you say those things to me, I don’t think of the scars, for you make me feel as beautiful as you did on the boat.”

“Let me pose another question to you. If I were a soldier and had come home from war missing a limb or disfigured in some other way, would that affect your love for me?”

“Of course not. What I feel for you goes beyond….” She understood now what he was saying. His love for her went deeper than the marks on her fuller body.