Loving the White Liar (23 page)

Days later at work, I was finishing a reservation with the Donaldson’s when I got a delivery. Jayden and I were still on slightly shaky ground. He sent me a small spray of white roses with a lavender bow and a card that said I miss you. I knew what he meant and I felt the same. It was distance we were both feeling, no matter how small. I quickly texted him.

Me: I miss you too.

Jayden: Forgive me.

Me: I already have.

Jayden: I’m not breathing the same.

Me: Me either.

When I got home that day, I walked Trip and took a quick shower, determined to bridge the small gap we’d both created. We were newlyweds, we would fight, we would make up. This was what it was.

Jayden walked through the door, his day had clearly worn him out.

“Hi,” I said, approaching him and extending the olive branch.

“Hi, baby,” he said, taking a tentative step toward me. I wrapped my arms around him.

“I’m sweaty and I have sawdust all over me,” he offered, taking in my freshly showered form.

“I don’t care,” I said shakily, the desperation in my voice pulling his eyes to mine.

“Please tell me you know I didn’t mean it,” he said, pulling me tightly to him. “I hurt you and I hurt me. You are everything to me,” he whispered as I held him close. I nodded into his shoulder as he whispered another apology. “I worship you. You know that. I’m so proud to be your husband. I
was
jealous and an idiot.”

“Stop, Jayden, stop,” I said, pulling away to search his eyes. He nodded in understanding, because in the end we both knew it wouldn’t be the last time.

“Jayden!” I screeched from the couch as he was cooking.

“What?” he said, poking his head out and looking at me as if I’d grown another.

“I’ve found it!” I jumped off the couch, heading his way. His blue eyes followed me with question as I wrapped myself around him. “I’ve found my dream job.”

“Really?” he said with a smirk.

“Yep, and I’m not telling you. You’ll have to guess.” I turned away from him and started walking back to my laptop.

“Can I guess after I peel your burning dinner from the pan?” Rolling my eyes, I returned to my laptop.

After dinner and Jayden’s horrible attempt at guessing, I finally told him.

“So several months ago I realized our website at work was completely outdated. Marcy asked me to look into getting a new one designed and take over the social media accounts they had been neglecting,” I said, sipping on my wine. “So instead of hiring someone out to design it, I figured it out myself and started doing PR for the travel agency. In less than two months, their social network profile reached an amazing amount of new clients and we got more than twice the normal hits on our new interactive website than they had ever had. And the amazing thing is, is that I loved doing it.”

“You’re going into marketing?”

“Strictly marketing. I’m good at all things media. The possibilities are endless. I can promote and network for anyone from small businesses, big corporations, down to indie authors, and maybe even new faces in entertainment. I’ll do it for people who are too busy to set up and network for themselves. I can even help bring the last of the dinosaurs incapable of doing their own online PR into 2015. It’s not an
original
idea, but it’s profitable. There’s plenty of earning potential if I get a good client base. I’ve already started on a list of services. And the best part is I can totally do this and work from home and set my own hours, be my own boss. I can start it here at home and gradually build up until I can quit the agency!”

He sat and listened as I rattled on with excitement.

“So what do you think?”

“I say of course. Yes, do what makes you happy. I’m behind you one hundred percent.” I leapt from my seat and into his arms. “I found it, Jayden. I really want this. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before!”

“And what will you call this venture?” he asked, snaking his arms around my waist.

“Monroe PR, of course,” I said, giving him a wink. His eyes lit up as he pulled my lips to his.

“What a great name.”

I kissed him back with a sigh. “The best.”

A week later, Jayden and I were racing down the highway as I attempted to put my face on. “Slow down, okay? I don’t want to die to be on time to a cocktail party.” I busied myself with mascara. Leisure Travel, specifically Marcy, was throwing a cocktail party at her home for employees. It was a semi-annual thing they threw just to let us know we were appreciated. In addition, they invited their best clients to showcase their newest travel packages and give them first dibs on the deep discounts that were offered exclusively to them. Jayden and I were running an hour late due to a late delivery.

“Babe, stop fucking with your makeup and give me the directions,” Jayden bit out, already irritated with the situation. I’d spent the last ten minutes explaining to him the importance of the party and who would be there. He continued to ask me over and over how long it would last and insisted we would look bad for being late and should skip it altogether. He was nervous and I could tell, but it was practically mandatory since I was one of only three employees and I had to at least make an appearance.

“I have only one eye with mascara. Just listen to the GPS, she’s sounding them off.”

When Jayden missed the exit, I stopped my wand. “Damn it, Jayden, you missed the exit. The next one is miles away!”

“I told you I needed you to help me!” he snapped.

“The GPS was doing a fine job. Now we are going to be really late!” I knew better than to get angry with him. In all honesty, I should have been ready when he got home, but I’d been digging through his closet to find something presentable for him to wear. I apparently needed to find my husband a decent suit.

Jayden bit out a curse and took the next exit, speeding through it and cutting cars off.

“I don’t even know any of these fucking people.”

“You know Adam. You can hang with him,” I offered, still busying myself with my makeup. “Jayden,” I addressed him calmly. “It’s fine. It’s a cocktail party. They are probably three drinks in already and won’t care one way or another if we are there. We’ll make it. Take your time.” When he sped up, I began to panic. “Jayden, slow down.” When he cut off another car and the driver on the receiving end came dangerously close to hitting us in retaliation, my panic increased.

“Not okay, Jayden. Chill out!” He ignored me, slamming on the gas once we entered the freeway, and that’s when I let go. “Damn it to hell, Jayden, stop this fucking truck right now!” I turned to him as he ignored me and screamed louder. “Now! Stop the truck now!”

Jayden pulled over to the side of the freeway, sweat pouring from his forehead. He grabbed his travel mug out of the console and slammed it against the steering wheel. I ducked as some of the stale liquid danced across the dash, spilling onto me and all over the console. When the mug split in two, he kept hitting the dash until it crumbled around his fingers. I jumped out of the car onto the shoulder of the highway and watched him with my heart pounding in my chest as cars whizzed by. It had been at least six months since his last outburst. We had been perfect...solid. I had slipped into the carefree zone again. I stood watching him, mouth open in shock as he surveyed the destroyed ‘immaculateness’ of his cabin. When he was exhausted, he leaned back in his seat, eyes closed.

When a few minutes had passed, I pushed up my figurative sleeves.

“Get over. I’ll drive,” I offered as calm as I could muster. Jay slowly opened his eyes and looked at me still standing on the shoulder of the highway, staring at him through my open door, my white satin skirt covered in coffee. The regret in his eyes was instant. “I’ll drive,” I insisted as he moved to the passenger seat without a word, looking completely exhausted.

I took a deep breath, fastened my seat belt then began the drive home. Jayden looked at me a few minutes into our drive, an apology on his lips as I voiced my disappointment. “We can’t even make it to a two hour cocktail party?” Sighing, Jayden sat back as I began to fume.

A few days later, I was sitting at the dinner table fidgeting with my food when Jayden called me on it.

“Babe, you aren’t eating,” he said, picking up his tea and taking a sip.

“I’m sorry, I’m distracted,” I said, quickly picking up my fork. He gave me a small smile.

“Isn’t that my job?” I looked into his deep blue eyes and beautiful face and made the decision.

I placed my fork beside my plate. “I want to talk about it. Please, Jayden.”

Jayden froze as I continued.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous to think you can shut...Shit.” I started over. “Jayden, I love you. I want to stay married. I want to be with you every day for the rest of my life. But this secrecy with what’s going on inside you has to stop. We have to deal with it together. I know you don’t want me anywhere near this and you think you can deal with this on your own, but it’s affecting me whether you want it to or not. You have got to let me in.”

“I know,” he whispered as he circled the top of his glass with his fingertip.

“Tell me why you don’t take meds.”

He sighed as he looked at me. “Because of the way they make me feel. Like I’m in some cloud that I can’t get out of. I fucking hate it. I was on them for so long, but when I was able to make my own decision, I stopped taking them.”

“So try different meds.”

“I have,” he said with a sigh. “Do you want me to list them in alphabetical order?”

I looked down at my full plate. “No. Okay, no meds.” Looking up at him, I went in. “Why won’t you let me go to your sessions?”

“Because it’s embarrassing for me. We talk about everything from mundane tasks I have to repeat over and over until I get it right to other things I just don’t want you to hear. My thought process is completely different than yours and I’m afraid what you hear will get lost in translation. I love you, but I don’t need to hear your every thought to do that.”

“Okay,” I swallowed. “Was that so hard?”

“Is that all?” he asked, stunned.

“For now,” I said, rounding the table to sit in his lap. Lacing my fingers behind his neck, I pulled him to me. I ran my hands through his hair. “You need a haircut.”

Jayden smiled as he palmed my chest. “I was thinking about growing it out, maybe getting blond highlights and a perm.”

“What the hell? No you aren’t!”

“Well, I mean, I want to be your dream man, baby,” he chuckled as he started humming. Recognizing his tune, realization dawned on me.

“You found my box of NSYNC.” I buried my head in my hands as he began to sing
Bye Bye Bye
at the top of his lungs while trying not to laugh hysterically.

“You know the words,” I declared sarcastically. “What does that say about you!” With a huff, I made my way to the bedroom and gasped when I opened the door. Every single inch of our room was decorated with my box of memorabilia. He had hung every single poster, pulled out every button, every t-shirt, and created a shrine in our bedroom of Justin Timberlake.

“You ass!” I said as he ran and tackled me onto the bed. His laughter rang loudly as I looked around us, completely embarrassed.

“Well, seems my baby has a closet full of her own secrets. I was searching for my appendage competition and stumbled upon this gem.”

“Your appendage compet—” My eyes widened. “My vibrator? What did you do with JT?!”

Jayden’s eyes got bigger and he let his head fall back as he roared with laughter once I admitted that yes, my vibrator was in fact named after said superstar that was currently surrounding us with eerie, toothy smiles. After a minute of full on, red faced embarrassment, I stared up at my husband who was still shaking his head as his chuckling slowed.

“Let’s just say JT is sleeping with the fishes,” he whispered, pulling on my bottom lip with his teeth.

I lifted my brow. “So you think you can beat his record?”

Jayden stilled my lip between his teeth as he asked around it. “How many?”

“Eight,” I said shamelessly. He let my lip pop out his mouth as he stared down at me.

“Oh, you are on,” he said before crushing his mouth to mine. When he pulled away, ready to make good on the competition, I stilled his busy head. “I love you, Jayden.
All
of you.”

Sensing my need for him to understand, he looked down at me. “I know.”

Over the next few months, we both stayed busy, me with work and the upcoming launch of Monroe PR. I’d launched myself headfirst into marketing and knew without a shadow of a doubt it was what I wanted to do. Whether or not I would be successful, only time would tell.

After what seemed like an excessive amount of endless workdays Jayden and I shared, we decided to take a weekend off to just
be
.

Jayden lay in the pool chair next to me, his iPod handy as I rubbed oil over my legs. I looked over to see him watching me intently.

“We just got out here,” I scolded as I read his thoughts.

“I don’t think my dick cares,” he said in a husky voice.

“I’m going to end up pregnant,” I muttered, rolling my eyes.

Jayden’s eyes strayed down to my stomach. He said nothing else as he put his buds in. I felt the small shift in his playful mood as I sat up and pulled his ear buds back out.

“I don’t like what just happened,” I said, giving him an inquisitive look.

“I just don’t think we need that now,” he said, grabbing my hand and squeezing it briefly before letting go.

“Me either, but I don’t like the way you clam up when I talk about having a baby. Like it’s not even a possibility.”

He sat up on his chair and faced me. “So when you
want
a baby, we’ll talk about it. Until then, let’s...not.”

He leaned over, kissed me, and then lay back on his chair, putting his buds back in. I understood his hesitation. I felt the same way, so I didn’t fight him on it. We weren’t ready.

We spent the weekend wrapped up in each other the way we had the summer before. We spent long hours loving each other and feasting. It was our thing; it was what we did.

And I hoped it would never change.