Mad About You (18 page)

Mum tied the belt on the dress and took a step back. ‘Much better. You look very nice. Now go and do your makeup. I’ll get the children ready.’

I layered my makeup, hiding the dark circles with concealer, giving colour to my pasty cheeks with a light pink blusher and opening up my tired eyes with mascara and eye-shadow.

Twenty minutes later, we were in the hall with our coats on. As we opened the front door to head out to a pre-match early lunch, Babs walked up the garden path.

‘About time you turned up to say hello to your parents,’ Mum huffed.

Babs was wearing her trademark dark glasses and a white fur jacket with skinny jeans and thigh-high black leather boots.

‘Interesting get-up.’ Dad took in the outfit. ‘Bit much for the side-lines, I would have thought.’

Babs patted his cheek. ‘Coming from a man wearing a brown duffel coat he bought in the 1970s, I’ll take that as a compliment.’

‘Apparently these are very trendy now,’ Dad said.

‘In whose world? The golf-club gang’s?’ Babs snorted.

‘The boots are ludicrous. Take them off – you look like a street-walker,’ Mum ordered Babs. ‘Emma can lend you shoes.’

‘Emma wears granny-shoes. I wouldn’t be seen dead in flat boots.’

I was relieved to hear Babs sounding more like her usual self. I gave her a smile, and she smiled back. Then she grasped my arm and murmured, ‘Please don’t leave me on my own with Mum.’

‘Forget about the bloody shoes,’ Dad snapped. ‘For the love of God, can we go and get something to eat before I start gnawing my own arm off?’

We walked to the high street, aiming for a little restaurant called Cinnamon. On the way we bumped into Poppy, whose clothes would have given Babs a run for her money. She was wearing tight black leather trousers, high wedge-heeled ankle boots and a black fur gilet over a white shirt. She looked overdressed, but very sexy. I felt frumpy beside her. I introduced her to my parents and sister.

‘Very nice to meet you all,’ Poppy said, in her beautiful cut-glass accent. ‘I’m afraid I can’t shake your hands, I’ve just had my nails done.’ She wiggled her red nails. ‘Hot date tonight.’ She winked at me.

‘Good for you,’ I said, with a grin.

‘Lovely to meet you, but we must be off,’ Dad said, determined not to let anything or anyone sidetrack us from getting to the restaurant.

‘Excuse my husband.’ Mum was embarrassed. ‘He’s hungry, and you know what men are like when they want food.’

‘Of course I do.’ Poppy smiled. ‘Nigel would have stepped on my head to get to the fridge.’

Mum laughed.

‘Where’s James?’ Poppy asked.

‘London Irish play their first Heineken Cup match today and we’re going to watch it after lunch,’ I explained.

‘No wonder he looked so serious when I saw him this morning,’ Poppy said. ‘He’s usually so friendly.’

‘Come on, ladies, enough nattering.’ Dad ushered us away.

‘Seriously!’ Babs looked at me. ‘That MILF lives next door?’

‘MILF?’ Mum asked. ‘I thought her name was Poppy?’

‘MILF stands for Mother I’d Like to Fu–’

‘Babs!’ I stopped her.

Mum’s cheeks reddened. ‘Well, I never.’

‘It’s just an expression,’ Babs said, with a wicked gleam in her eye.

‘A crude one.’ Mum was unimpressed.

‘Poppy looks good for an older woman,’ Babs commented.

‘She’s much the same age as me,’ I pointed out.

‘Really? God, she looks years younger.’

Thank you, sister.

‘She seems nice,’ Mum said. ‘But I wouldn’t get too friendly with her, Emma. She’s a bit, well …’

‘Sexy?’ Babs said.

‘Available,’ Mum said. ‘You can see she’s dissatisfied with her life.’

I stared at Mum. ‘From a ten-second meeting you can tell all that?’

‘Of course. She’s completely overdressed for a Saturday afternoon, in clothes that are too young for her. There’s an
air of desperation about that. She’s obviously craving male attention. The only reason a woman craves attention is when she isn’t getting enough at home and she’s bored with her life. She’s looking for excitement.’

‘I have to say, Mum, I’m actually impressed,’ Babs admitted.

I was too. Mum had completely summed up Poppy. She smiled. ‘When you’ve been around as long as I have, you notice things.’

‘Stop talking!’ Dad roared. ‘I don’t care if that woman is humping David Cameron in her spare time, I need food.’

‘Calm down or you’ll have a heart-attack,’ Mum remonstrated.

‘What’s “humping” mean?’ Yuri asked.

‘Walking like a camel,’ Babs told him, as Dad stormed into the restaurant and threw himself down at a table.

‘Why is Granddad grumpy?’ Lara asked.

‘Because he’s old, and when you get old, you get mean and nasty and grumpy,’ Babs said.

‘Granny’s old and she’s not grumpy,’ Lara pointed out.

Babs and I burst out laughing.

We had to eat quickly as Dad wanted to be at the rugby ground well before kick-off. We hustled the children onto the train, scurried from the station and got there twenty minutes early – a long time to keep two young children occupied. I’d have much preferred to spend those twenty minutes in the comfort of the restaurant.

The stadium was packed with London Irish fans, wearing dark green jerseys, and Gloucester fans, in red and white stripes. The atmosphere was fantastic. I looked for James and eventually made him out: he was sitting down in his warm black jacket and tracksuit bottoms, surrounded by men all wearing identical kit. He had an earpiece and was talking to the guy beside him, who had a laptop that he was furiously pointing to.

‘I see James is coaching from the pitch,’ Dad said. ‘It’s great the way he stays down near the players.’

I waved at James, but he didn’t see me: he was too busy concentrating.

He really was handsome, I found myself thinking. Even though he looked tired and older, he wore it well. If anything, he was even more attractive in that older-guy way. My James, my lovely James. I wondered about what Mum had said. Were we entering a dangerous decade? I’d have to keep a closer eye on him. With me working all day and looking after the kids, I really didn’t know much about his day-to-day life or the people in it. We needed to go out more together and talk. Communication was the key to a happy
marriage. I wanted this handsome man to stick with me. God, I hoped Mum was wrong: I hoped someone out there didn’t fancy him.

I’d had no idea about Mandy until I’d caught James flirting with her. He could have met someone new at work. He could be flirting with someone all day long. I’d have to look into it further. I’d have to be more vigilant. I didn’t want to end up on my own in London with two kids after James had left me for some hot London babe.

I examined all the people around him, looking for suspects, but they were all male.

‘I’m bored, Mummy,’ Lara complained.

Dad clapped a hand to his forehead. ‘Tell me she’s not going to complain for the next eighty minutes!’

‘She’s three, Dad, give her a break.’ I was fed up with Dad bossing us around. He was a nightmare to go to matches with. He got completely wound up and spent the entire time shouting at the players.

‘Here, take my phone. I’ve got some cool games on it.’ Babs quickly deleted some messages and handed Lara her mobile.

‘I want to play!’ Yuri grabbed the phone. Lara let out a blood-curdling shriek.

‘Jesus Christ!’ Dad exclaimed.

Babs grabbed her phone back. ‘Hey, Stumpy, take it easy. And you, Miss, stop trying to burst everyone’s eardrums. You can take it in turns to play. But if you fight, I’ll make you be my slaves for a week. You’ll have to clean and wash all day long. But if you’re good, I’ll buy you crisps at half-time.’

They immediately stopped fighting and began to play on the phone together.

Mum and Dad were looking at the match programme, so
I took the opportunity to have a quiet word with Babs. I’d been dying to talk to her since she’d arrived. ‘Have you been on to Gary?’ I whispered.

Babs gritted her teeth. ‘He gets back tomorrow – I told you already.’

‘When are you meeting him?’

‘I don’t know. I’ll see him in work on Monday and make an arrangement.’

‘How are you feeling?’

‘Fine.’

‘Are you worried about telling him?’

‘Jesus, Emma, Mum and Dad are beside us! I’m not getting into this now. Drop it.’

Her earlier good mood had evaporated and I could see the tension in her body again. I wished she could talk to me without clamming up. James was right: this really wasn’t going to end well. I looked down at my husband again, then decided to ask Babs about the texts. It would distract us from Gary and, since Mum had planted that seed of doubt, I badly needed to talk to someone about it. I was hoping Babs would tell me that Mum’s theory was ridiculous.

‘Have you ever got texts from people saying they fancy you and stuff like that?’ I asked.

Babs looked at me as if I was mad. ‘I think you’re talking about sextexts and, yes, of course I have. Millions of them. I send loads, too. Welcome to the twenty-first century, Emma. It’s a bit more advanced than when you were dating. People don’t write letters with feathers any more and send them by pigeon.’

I chose to ignore the sarcasm. ‘But do you always know the people who send you the messages?’

‘Of course I do. I don’t give my number out to strangers. I have to protect myself from psycho fans.’

‘OK. Have you ever received a text from a number you didn’t recognize?’

Babs nodded. ‘Yeah, a few from crazy fans. But rarely.’

‘What kind of things would they say?’

‘The usual stuff – “You’re so hot, I want to screw you”, blah blah blah.’

‘What did you do?’

‘I ignored them.’

‘Did they stop?’

Babs popped a mint into her mouth. ‘Some went on for a few weeks, but got bored when they got no reaction. Why are you so interested all of a sudden? Are you trying to spice up your marriage by sending sextexts to James?’

I chewed my lower lip. ‘No. James has been getting texts from an unknown number.’

Babs let out a whoop. ‘James! Come on, Emma, it’s obviously one of the rugby guys winding him up.’

‘That’s what I thought too, but then Mum said she thought it was suspicious. She reckons the players wouldn’t mess around with the coach.’

‘What did the texts say?’ Babs was curious.

‘Stuff like “I fancy you” and “You’ve got a great arse.”’

Babs rolled her eyes. ‘That sounds so lame. James works all day with a bunch of testosterone-fuelled young men. I guarantee you it’s one of them winding him up.’

I frowned. ‘It’s kind of an odd trick to play on your boss, though, especially if you want to get picked for the team.’

‘Half those guys have been concussed so many times their brains are fried. Mum always goes for the dramatic or the negative, you know that. She shouldn’t have suggested it to you. He works in a business where practical jokes are the norm – he’s the new guy so he’s fair game.’

I began to calm down. She was probably right. It must have been the players messing about.

‘Besides,’ Babs continued, ‘James isn’t the type to have an affair. He’s too boring and conservative.’

‘Thank God for that!’ I said, and we smiled at each other.

When the final whistle blew the score was twelve-three to London Irish and the home crowd went wild. They sang and cheered and gave the players a standing ovation. The mood was electric – even Yuri and Lara got caught up in it. They jumped up and down like maniacs – although a large part of that was due to sugar overload.

After the match, I sent James a text saying I was proud of him and that we had all come to support him. He sent one back saying he was thrilled we’d been there and he was so relieved about the win. We arranged to meet in the clubhouse and head home together.

When we got back to Putney, I found a package, addressed to me, on the doorstep. I didn’t remember ordering anything. ‘Did you buy me something?’ I asked James.

He shook his head. ‘Sorry, darling, no.’

I shook the parcel. Something rattled inside. Maybe it was a present from Lucy, or my other friend Jess back in Dublin. I was dying to open it.

While everyone took off their coats and went into the kitchen, I got a pair of scissors from a kitchen drawer and opened the package. Inside, something was heavily bound in bubble wrap.

‘Hurry, Mummy, open it. I want to see the present,’ Lara said.

When I finally cut through the Sellotape, a box fell out onto the floor. It was pink and had ‘RAMPANT RABBIT’ written down the side. What the hell? As Lara reached to
grab it, I tried to stuff it back into the box, but the bottom was ripped and the object fell onto the floor. Lara picked it up and put it on the table.

‘What is it?’ she asked.

I was speechless. I tried desperately to think of an appropriate answer to fob her off.

‘It looks like an alien,’ Yuri said, scrunching his nose up.

‘Is it one of those little Hoovers for the car?’ Mum asked.

Dad took out his handkerchief and began to blow his nose furiously.

Babs looked up from her phone and burst out laughing. ‘Emma, you dirtbag.’

James, who was making coffee, turned around. ‘What is it, darling?’ Seeing the object now sitting on the kitchen table, he stopped dead in his tracks. ‘What on earth?’ He looked at me. ‘Emma?’

‘I did not order this,’ I hissed.

I grabbed it and began to stuff it back into the bubble wrap. Dad’s face was now purple.

‘Don’t hold it in, Dad. Let it out.’ Babs giggled as Dad began to shake with laughter.

Mum grabbed it. ‘What has you all laughing?’ She examined it.

‘Mum!’ I tried to snatch it back.

‘I want a go!’ Lara reached for it, but her grandmother held it at arm’s length, frowning as she examined it.

‘Let me have that.’ James tried to take it out of Mum’s hand, but she held firm.

‘Dan?’ Mum eyeballed her husband, waving the Rabbit about. ‘What is it?’

Dad shook his head, unable to speak.

‘It’s a Rampant Rabbit,’ Babs told her.

‘BABS!’ I shouted.

‘What’s so funny about that?’ Mum asked.

‘It’s a vibrator,’ Babs informed her.

My face was hot and I could feel tears forming behind my eyes. This was just unbelievable. I didn’t know what to do.

‘Christ,’ James cursed.

Mum gasped and dropped it. The Rabbit hit the floor with a thud and began to vibrate. Yuri and Lara squealed with delight and tried to pick it up.

I lunged, seized it and stuffed it back into the box, still vibrating. I was trying not to cry. What the hell was going on?

‘I’m speechless.’ Mum was shocked.

‘Well, there’s a first time for everything,’ Dad said, as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

‘I’m dreadfully sorry. I can’t apologize enough. It’s … I …’ James struggled to explain the mortifying incident.

‘The children will be traumatized,’ Mum muttered.

‘No, they won’t. It’s just a toy to them,’ Babs said.

‘I want to play with the shaky rabbit,’ Lara whinged.

‘You are not to go near that dirty thing,’ Mum warned her grandchildren. ‘Do you hear me? NEVER!’

The children’s eyes widened, and they nodded their little heads.

‘Now you see how scary Granny can be,’ Babs said.

James crouched down. ‘Hey, guys, why don’t you two pop into the lounge and play? I’ll come in and give you a biscuit in a minute.’

Yuri and Lara reluctantly left the room.

‘Who sent it, James?’ Babs grinned at him.

‘I did not!’ James spluttered.

‘That’s enough. I don’t want to know any more about it.’ Mum went to put the kettle on. Then, turning to Dad, she added, ‘And how do you know about this … thing? Is that
what you’re doing all the time on that iPhone? Pornography sites, is it? I’m disgusted.’

I was still too shocked to speak. I wanted them all to leave. I wanted the floor to swallow me. I picked up the box to hide it under the sink when I noticed a small card. I opened it:
You can use this when he leaves you for me.
I stood there, staring at it, unable to form a coherent thought.

Babs read the card over my shoulder. She frowned. ‘Now that’s a step too far,’ she said. ‘This guy needs to be kicked off the team for a few weeks.’

If it is a guy, I thought.

James came over to me and grabbed the card. ‘I don’t believe this,’ he said. ‘I’m going to kill whoever sent it.’

‘It seems most peculiar that a player would send something so revolting to his coach’s wife on match day. It doesn’t add up to me,’ Mum said, shooting me a meaningful look.

I hadn’t thought I could feel any worse, but now I did. She was right: something weird was going on.

Dad stood up. ‘It’s been a very interesting day, but we must be off. Plane to catch. Well done, James, great win. Best of luck with the next game. I’ll be watching.’ Dad kissed me goodbye, then he and Mum walked to the door.

‘Hang on, I’ll come with you.’ Babs grabbed her coat and followed them out.

As Mum hugged me, she said, ‘Be careful, Emma. Something isn’t right about this.’

I waved them off, feeling confused and embarrassed. The implications of what had just happened were sinking in. Someone had sent me, James’s wife, a vibrator. This person knew our address and my name. Judging by the note, they wanted me out of the picture.

James and I went through the motions of putting the kids
to bed and then, when they were settled, we sat down to talk. Now my mind was clearer. I knew exactly what I wanted to ask and what I needed to know.

I took a deep breath. ‘James, I’m only going to ask you this once. Are you having an affair?’ My voice trembled.

James immediately took me in his arms. ‘No! Of course not. Emma, I’m as shocked as you are about all of this. I cannot believe that one of the guys would do such a thing. But I promise you I’ll hunt him down and he’ll be kicked out of the club. There’s no way I’m letting this go.’

I pulled back from him. ‘James, I really don’t think one of your players would do this unless he has a death wish. I think a woman sent it.’

‘Who?’

‘You tell me. Have you been flirting with anyone?’

‘Emma, I’ve barely had time to breathe since we moved here. I eat, sleep and work. It has to be one of the players. Maybe it was Ken – I dropped him from the team for the game and he was really furious. He has a very high opinion of himself. It could have been his way of getting back at me, although admittedly it does seem very extreme.’

Maybe it had been Ken. I hoped so. I really hoped it was some stupid prank and not something more sinister or threatening. I decided to trust James and give him the benefit of the doubt. He genuinely seemed as upset as I was.

‘Well, you go in there on Monday and sort the guy out. I never, ever want anything sent to this house again. It’s totally out of order.’

James gently pushed my hair off my face. ‘I promise you I’ll make whoever did this pay for it.’