Mad Worlds Collide (11 page)

"Thanks, I will try anything, " said Susan.

"No, do not try anything.  That is like the Japanese politicians trying to fix our economy -- try only what works."

"So, what’s up with the Japanese economy?" asked Robert.

"It’s a very simple human problem," continued Shun. In the background little Yuki ran to Akiko, then to the kitchen, then back to Buddy near the fireplace. The small dog stopped under a table to rest, then started the looping procedure again. 

"You have a very busy little dog," noticed Susan.

Akiko smiled, "Since my father passed away, my Mom said little Yuki has been like a son. I think she likes Yuki more than Shun."

Shun smiled dryly. "Something about little dogs and Japanese mothers-in-law, they both require patience." Shun winked at Akiko and continued. "Anyhow, to answer your question Robert, the Japanese economic problem is very simple, and could be fixed soon for the average Japanese, but it won’t be. The basic problem is a problem of human nature.  You can read in the newspaper that the problem is with the banks and lack of consumer spending, but the rich folks in Japan do not have an economic problem. The problems with the economic fundamentals are simple; Japan’s government spends twice as much as it takes in and borrows from the public. The banks make lots of bad loans but don’t want to foreclose because they loaned to friends like the Japanese Mafia and the politicians."

A loud thudding sound like a tranquilized bear landing on the grass came from behind the couch near the fireplace. Everyone turned around. Buddy had fallen flat with all four legs spread out, lying comfortably on a rug next to the fireplace, sleeping like a baby and looking somewhat like a bear trophy rug.

Susan spoke, "I guess the sleeping pills have a delayed reaction."

Robert grimaced, "I’ll wake him when we leave, our apartment is only across the hall."

"Please don’t worry, let him rest, " Shun continued, " As I was saying, the banks loaned money to people, and for many reasons they do not want to force payment. It is too embarrassing. The politicians basically put their hands in the public funds and spend money on pet projects.  Until the Japanese people get up and fight, they end up with the exact government they deserve, which is a corrupt government.  The Japanese Mafia has more honor."

Robert saw that Susan was getting tired. "Susan, please take the key, I’ll be over with Buddy in five minutes.  You look tired honey."

"I’m sorry, it’s been a long day." Susan stood up, took the key from Robert.

"I’ll be over soon," said Robert.

"Let me walk you over and show you how to use the security," said Akiko, "We can let them men talk about politics.  Shun could talk for days."

"Seems like I’m putting everyone to sleep," said Shun.

"Oh no, I look forward to hearing more," said Robert.

The ladies exited.

"So Robert, how about trying some hot Japanese sake?  The best sake is served cold but I got a bunch from my mother in law and it tastes better warmed."

"Sure."

"Please wait one moment and I’ll make some." Shun went into the kitchen.

Robert enjoyed the view of the orange sun setting behind bamboo trees. The red bricked fireplace was bigger than most and it kept the room comfortably warm with a smell of pine and another strange odor like something he’d smelled before but couldn’t quite place. He walked over to see what kind of log was burning. As he stopped near the fireplace he could see that the end of Buddy’ tail was singed and partially smoking.  Robert quickly grabbed Susan’s drink and then tossed it on the smoking tail, then stepped on it a few times to make sure the smoke stopped. He then dragged the groggy and quite heavy Buddy away from the fireplace.

From inside the kitchen, Shun spoke,  "Robert, would you like a sweet sake or a dry sake?"

Robert struggled to move the groggy Buddy and yelled back in a muffled tone, "Sweet please." As Robert pushed Buddy into a comfortable looking position he saw a small toy underneath and started to pull it out. As the toy came out Robert’s heart stopped. It was Yuki-Chan, flat and airless.

Robert’s heart raced. Robert shook the dog, but to no avail. He instinctively blew air into the dog’s mouth, but this only resulted in inflating Yuki like a balloon.  For some reason the air would not exit.

"Robert, do you smell something strange burning? Please check the fireplace, I’ll be out in a second."

Robert quickly stuffed the small dog, which now looked like a gassed up porcupine, into his backpack next to the couch.

"Ah -- Buddy just burned part of his tail, everything is fine," stuttered Robert.

"His tail? Is he OK?" asked Shun.

"Yes, he’s fine," said Robert.

"Boy, your dog sleeps like a log." Shun exited the kitchen and looked at Robert’s ashen face. Shun walked over to Buddy and inspected the tail. "No reason to be
that
worried, he’ll live, just a small singe.  Have some sake you’ll feel better."

Robert nervously drank the sake. It was the best sweet sake he’d ever had.

"You know Robert, working all the time is no good.  Your wife looks stressed and you do too. You should take her out to the park tomorrow. It will be cool, but tomorrow is Sunday after all, and Monday is a Japanese holiday"

"Good idea Shun " replied Robert. Shit, thought Robert, I’ll have to go in on Monday anyhow to quietly figure out who’s fucking around with the system. If I can get that Buffalo madman things should go well.

Shun looked at Buddy sleeping and sipped his sake. "That’s a great big dog. I am jealous, I hate little dogs but my wife loves them. I’ll help you carry Buddy to your apartment.  By the way, did you see where Yuki-chan went?"

Robert drank more sake. "No, I was kind of occupied with Buddy."

"Ah, no big deal, she probably ran outside or went with the women.  So what do you think about the deal with HeiwaZuki?"

Robert disliked the Japanese deal. "Well, I don’t know.  Gill met the Emperor last year and I really don’t think they communicated well."  Gill screwed the old man to a tough deal, but what can I say?

           
"Yeah, the papers had a ball.  They said the Emperor was on drugs"

Newspapers all over the world complained about the deal Gill and Japanese Emperor HeiwaZuki signed. Gill and HeiwaZuki both had one thing in common; they both disliked the US Government. The Emperor wanted to meet Gill because he was so impressed with Gill’s battle with the US government, and hoped to get some inside information. Gill saw the meeting as an opportunity to finish the software deal that the Japanese government had been slowly dragging along. Gill brought a license agreement that circumvented the Japanese Parliament by invoking an old law that allowed the Emperor to directly pass a decree with the force of law. If Parliament refused the decree, the law required their resignations and new general elections. No Emperor since World War II had used this law because none really understood their power or their law. Gill survived by understanding not only his power but also that of other people. Plus he had a shitload of lawyers.

"Well, if you mean Barnacle Bill, everyone thought that was illegal until last week," said Robert.

"Not in Japan!  Your young American sailor created a frenzy here.  There are no laws against drinking Barnacle remover in Japan, especially since the Emperor got hold of it. "

 The Japanese papers said HeiwaZuki met Gill in a somewhat "weakened" state. The week before meeting Gill eighty-eight year old HeiwaZuki had the pleasure of meeting an old Diet friend Kawanishi. Kawanishi introduced the old man to the barnacle remover and confidentially gave the Emperor a year’s stock of "Barnacle Bill". On an incognito night out in town, the Emperor tried Barnacle Bill. 

HeiwaZuki, being an Emperor, took three times the normal recommended Barnacle Bill dosage.   

The Emperor didn’t come home for three days and didn’t know where he had been. Rumors said he arrived via taxi back at the Imperial Palace wearing only an orange flowery Hawaiian T-shirt and matching shorts and then immediately went walking in the royal vegetable garden. speaking only to his pet bird Tori Chan.

An employee of the grounds reportedly asked Emperor where he had gone. The Emperor replied  "Wakanai demo tanoshikatta" translating into: "I don’t know but I feel happy."  The story was printed in Suzuki Girls, a Japanese tabloid.

Robert drank some more sake and wanted to leave before Shun figured out the dog was missing.

"Wow, who would have thought a barnacle remover would become big news?" said Robert.

People should note that after the Nihon Ministry of Medical Practitioners banned it, Barnacle Bill became a household name in Japan. Under pressure, the Emperor used his newly found power to overturn the ban. Sales of Barnacle Bill skyrocketed. One restaurant in Ginza Tokyo sold a Barnacle Bill-laced soup for $125 called: Bonzai Bill, which included a coupon for 3 hours at the Ginza Palace Love Hotel.

Mad World Definition:
Japanese Love Hotel

Love Hotels are scattered throughout Japan. Many of them can be easily recognized because of their design for secrecy. Love hotels are lined up side by side in some districts of Tokyo. A stay overnight costs about $80. The rent fee for two hours during the day is a little bit lower. On weekends, the prices may be much higher.

The reception at a love hotel is anonymous. The guests chose a room on a board by pressing a button, then pay at a little window where the receptionist cannot be seen.  The rooms are equipped with double beds, a television offering erotic programs, a nice bathroom, etc. Since many couples live at home until marriage, most single Japanese have experienced "Love Hotels".  A confidential government report stated that over ninety per cent of all married Japanese men have experienced "Love Hotels" as a place to "relax after work." The report did not state that customers cannot stay alone, they must have a guest to enter. Japanese wives are not usually invited.

Copyright © Mad World Press

Shun, looked behind to see if Akiko was back yet. She was not. Shun whispered, "I’ve got some of the Barnacle Bill if you want to try it sometime."

Robert coughed nervously. "Let’s talk about that when we go out."

Shun smiled. "Understood.  It’s a really funny story about that sailor. They say he’s in a research lab now."

The Navy Sailor from Yokosuka Japan who drank Barnacle Bill to get high discoveredall kinds of side effects: Hair grew on his bald head, he screwed like a bull in heat, and his penis grew over twenty-five per cent.

Nobody believed the sailor except his girlfriend  He sent a letter including pictures of his penis to Guilianni Labs asking for free Barnacle Bill to do more personal research.  Jimmy Guilianni saw the letter and before calling the police asked his research team to check out the claim. They later proved the sailor’s claim to the glee of Jimmy who started producing the stuff in unused oil refinery containers. The FDA complained about a side effect of temporary amnesia in some older patients and those overdosing, but even an overdose couldn’t kill you, you just got the runs. According to Guilianni Labs all side effects could be reversed through discontinuation of the product.

"Shun, I think I’m going to head back."

"Sure, let me help you bring Buddy over to your new place.  You know you look stressed.  You should go to the park tomorrow. It’s right across the street."

"Thanks, that’s a good idea," said Robert.   "A day in the park with Susan and Buddy should be a lot of fun."

Shun looked at Robert curiously. He had seen troubled Americans coming to Japan before. Japan was heaven and hell for many foreigners. But Shun knew that for the men who were tough and smart, it did not matter where you put them, they would rise to the occasion even if placed on a desert island. Shun had read that Robert was tougher than nails; dealing with Gill directly required brains and toughness. Shun knew about both of those qualities through his father.  To run the Japanese Mafia required many similar skills. Shun walked over to grab Buddy.

"Wow, what a beautiful big dog you have.  I bet he is trouble sometimes, but I bet a lot of fun, " said Shun.

"Trouble? Sure sometimes, but yes, I agree, a lot of fun," said Robert.

"Please promise me to go out for dinner and drinks one night.  I can show you some Japanese culture and great sake." Robert thought of John Giddon but let that thought pass. Surely a night out wouldn’t hurt? How much trouble could he get into that he wasn’t already into? Plus, getting out would be good. 

"Sure, sounds good. How about a short dinner and a few drinks Monday night?"

"Great, I will take you to a friend’s club," said Shun.

I’ve got to get home and get online. See if I can figure what’s going on with that hacker…real bad…

Date:             February 12, 2021

Place:             Earth

Location:        Joey’s Colorado Springs Apartment

"I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt."
—
President W. Bush 2001

"Fear not death. Fear only that you waste life. " --
Antonio Raccioppi

Joey finally let his paranoia subside into rational fear.

It wasn’t easy.

The paranoid fear of someone out there in your domain of secret power sneaking in like an unexpected flash of lightning was frightening to the point of paranoia. The warning of death hit home. Joey wanted to make sure it just didn’t really hit home. Joey took day off a day from work and did his best to relax at his Colorado apartment (Joey had signed up for two weeks off). But he did not go back to Illinois because of the warning.  Joey figured it was best to get back to the safe level three security. Who’s going to get me there? No Mafia don, no NSA agent -- no one. Hell, it was tough enough to get in with real orders. 

Joey called in the next day to work the night shift. Major Johnson was now on night shift and Joey did not want to take chances with things unknown. A new escort might mean trouble. There were no windows in Building Nine so the time of day didn’t matter. Johnson wouldn’t risk his pension for anything out of the ordinary, and for this Joey needed things to be ordinary.