Maeve's Symphony (14 page)

Siobhan's features split into a glowing smile. “You're filling out. You're hormonal. Your periods are, shall we say, missing in action. In my book, that's three strikes and out. Get yourself a pregnancy test tonight and do the deed in the morning.”

Gaping gown and all, Aileen collapsed onto the chair she had just vacated and stared ahead blindly. She covered her open mouth with shaky fingertips. “No. Not possible. I can't be pregnant. I can't be.” Her eyes reflected sheer terror, yet in a stunning paradox she brimmed with hopeful promise. “I'm not ready to be a mom. Am I?”

“Evidently, God's answer to that question is yes.” Siobhan launched into a series of perfect pirouettes, delighted laughter twinkling. “Best of all? I'm going to be an auntie!”

Maeve and Kassidy crowded in on Aileen and squeezed her tight. Sentimental tears crested Maeve's lashes. She brushed them aside as she mapped out problem control. “KC, get wardrobe in here to work some magic on her gown; Ailee, put everything out of your mind until tomorrow when you find out for sure.” But then she broke down, just like her friends, rejoicing—grateful. “Oh, honey, this is the best!”

 

****

 

The next day, just before the start of rehearsal, Maeve peeked around the right wing of the stage at Avery Fisher and spotted Liam and Aileen entering the theater.

“They're here!” Maeve whispered the words urgently, pulse rocketing.

From behind, careful to remain hidden from view, Kassidy squeezed Maeve's hand, releasing a tightly controlled exclamation. Siobhan bounced on her toes before dashing to the portable stereo and turning it on. Grabbing a pair of microphones, handing one to Kassidy, Maeve cleared her throat; Kassidy ran nervous fingers through her hair.

Meanwhile, Liam and Aileen ambled along the main aisle, arms wrapped around one another, gazes sealed, smiles expansive, their joyful energy uncontainable. The happy news had been confirmed to the Sisters by Aileen this morning via a text that read:
Baby positive!! Over the moon!!Hug you all soon!!

The soft strains of a piano wafted into the theater and caused the glowing couple's footsteps to halt. Strolling to center stage, Maeve and Kassidy launched into the classic Irish lullaby
Toora, Loora, Loora
. In seconds, Siobhan joined them, sweeping into view with spins, a fabulous set of leaps followed by a deep, sweeping bow as the short serenade concluded. Aileen was in tears. Liam—big, strapping Irishman that he was—cleared his throat gruffly and blinked hard against reddened eyes.

In the end, Aileen charged the railed stairs leading to the stage. Hugs rounded the group.

“This has to be one of the happiest moments I've ever shared with you all.”

Aileen could barely choke the words. Maeve caught sight of Josh who had arrived shortly after Aileen and Liam and watched proceedings from the rear. The power of his presence struck her anew, even as she stung with a near jealous sense of longing.

New life. Love's legacy. Would she ever find it? Did she even deserve it? Could she claim it for her own, or was she losing her friends one-by-one to bigger and better things? Loneliness and impending loss poured in, followed by a drenching of deceit and guilt over everything she had done wrong.

 

****

 

After rehearsal, Maeve sequestered herself in the green room, embracing its peace and solitude. She needed to think. She needed to reconcile. She needed to destroy a growing and increasingly vile sense of desperate sorrow and separation from her friends.

Quiet tapping at the door ended the moment before she could even begin to pray.

Tempted to ignore the summons, Maeve groaned and lifted from the makeup chair where she had settled and begun to slowly spin. No sense hiding. Reluctantly she crossed the room—and fought a flinch when she discovered Josh at the threshold.

“So, did that pre-rehearsal serenade mean what I think it means? Are Liam and Aileen expecting?”

His easy smile was incongruous to her mood at the moment, but Maeve kept her tone light and happy. Pitch-perfect. “They sure are. Isn't it incredible?”

Lest he get a good look into her eyes, she returned to the makeup counter, fussing with eye shadows, blushes, spray bottles, and brushes.

“They must be so excited.”

Restored, adjusted to his arrival, Maeve faced him and smiled from the heart. “I believe Aileen's words were ‘over the moon.'”

Josh stepped close. Looked deep. He stroked a lone fingertip against her jaw. “Maeve, you're a gifted actress, but I know you too well to be fooled.”

“Fooled? I don't know what you're getting at. I'm thrilled, Josh.”

His posture went from relaxed to tense. “I know you are, but that's only part of the story, isn't it?”

Rock steady, Maeve held to silence and met his gaze head on.

“How long are you going to continue to hide—from me, from them?”

Words of soft cashmere—so much more effective than those with a sharpened edge—crashed against the walls of her resistance. Maeve dipped her head, but Josh stepped into her space and forced her gaze back to his.

“Don't back away from me, Maeve. Talk. Please, talk to me.”

Defenseless, an inner explosion took place over which she had no control.

“I'm confused, OK! Can you blame me? Everything about your return is making me emotional. It's so easy to fall back into the pattern of loving you, Josh.”

“Why not let go? Why not see where we can go—together?”

“Because it's dangerous!” His questions seared a brand into her heart. “Because we had our chance and we blew it. We're in separate lives now. We weren't meant to be, and—”

“I disagree. But at least you're cutting through to the crux of the matter. It's all about the night we made love, isn't it? Physically, we made a mistake, yes, but emotionally, we've always been connected. That doesn't go away. That's the pattern you're talking about, and that's exactly why I'm here. That's why I'm after you. It's time for us.”

“Not after the way we—”

“Don't you dare, Maeve Callahan. Don't even think about finishing that thought and putting it into the universe. I'm fulfilling a promise I made to you. I promised to be true, and I have been. I promised to love you forever, and I'm making good on that vow. Like it or not, you need to deal with that fact and come to terms, not with me, but with God. You're refusing His grace, and that's wrong.”

Right or wrong, Maeve was aghast. “I wish you could understand my point of view, the void I've been living in. God filled me to the brim and overflowed my dreams when it comes to music and theater. At the same time, I've been left with a gaping hole when it comes to my heart and my emotions. Don't you see? I followed His lead when it came to everything in my life except the way I shared myself with you.”

“The way you still share yourself with me, Maeve.”

She bit her lips together, overcome.

“Look beyond the mistake.” Josh continued to hammer his point home. “Look beyond physicality. See the reality of what we are together.”

Josh pulled her close and held her gently. Maeve's throat went dry. Tall, strong and commanding, his presence, even the wood spice scent of him, played like harp strings through her soul.

“I…I've…always cared about you, Josh. That's the whole issue.” She pulled away from him, squeezed her arms against her midsection and clamped her mouth to keep her teeth from chattering. Talk about gross understatement…

Josh flexed his jaw, inching back, cool air replacing languid heat.

“Cared.” Full, long lips firmed into a tight line. He shook his head moving farther away.

“Y...yes...” The word was a rasp.

“Cared. Well, Maeve, that's just awesome.”

The chill in his tone made it clear
awesome
was the least of his emotions at the moment.

“OK, I've had it. I'm done being patient. I'm going to be flat-out honest with you, and if it's embarrassing, so be it, because I couldn't care less. You're the only woman I ever made love to. There were opportunities, sure, and I dated, sure. You mentioned Jacquie. Know why nothing ever came of that scenario? Because she couldn't understand why sharing a couple dinners and attending a few events together didn't lead to bed. Nothing in any woman I've ever met comes close to what I feel for you. I'm in love with you. No one else can even compete.”

Maeve braced against the impact of those words, but Josh wasn't finished.

“Nonetheless, you're ticking me off. You say you blame yourself for the fact that we made love, and, yeah, maybe you do. But you're thrusting the bulk of the blame on me for the fact that we…we…”

“See?” A hot rush of temper rode through her body. Maeve stepped into the muddy soil of the past and pushed a finger into his chest. “Do you see what I mean? You can't even bring yourself to say it, so I will. We had sex, Josh, as teenagers. We sinned and we fell, and you're just as ashamed of what we did as I am.”

He pushed her hand away. “Whoa, lady, wait a second. I'm ashamed that we sinned, so I've not only asked for, and received, forgiveness, I've worked hard to atone for what I did in the way I've lived my life ever since. I'm not casual or cavalier about my emotions. I wasn't then, and I'm not now, which you used to know about me on instinct, which you'd understand in the here and now if you lowered your guard far enough to let me in. I'm trying to be the kind of man who's worthy of you—who's worthy of the woman who gave herself to me so completely, with such trust.

“You're the one who's always,
always,
held my heart. But let me make something very clear. We didn't just have sex. I wasn't playing you or deliberately attempting to take you to bed or demean you. What happened wasn't just physical, and you know it. What we did—even though it was wrong—stemmed from love.”

“And that almost makes it worse. I feel like I lost my chance at an ordained, God-governed relationship when I gave up my innocence. I was weak. I gave in. Now, I wonder if I'll never deserve of the kind of relationship we had before the fall. I wanted us to last so desperately that I ignored God. I ruined our chance.”

He stared at her, eyes sharp and narrow. “So, you don't believe in forgiveness and a clean slate? A second opportunity? Well, I'm glad that's out in the open. I see now that you view God's story of redemption for humankind going something like this: I love and hold precious every piece of My creation, except Maeve Callahan. Her sins alone are unworthy of My mercy and forgiveness.”

Maeve gasped, but Josh pushed forward. “I'm not ashamed of the fact that I love you. And pay close attention to the fact that I didn't use the past tense. And pay close attention to the fact that I use the word love, not care, like you did. You're trying to put your feelings and your heart into some tight and terrible form of exile because of what we did. We were wrong to let passion overrule what we knew to be right, but you and I could be so happy together. You know that, Maeve, but deep down inside that fact terrifies you.”

Maeve steeled her back and lifted her chin. His critique stung mightily. His force of will left her trembling. Her eyes prickled with unshed tears. Cut through yet defiant, she stared him down, wondering if he could see clear through to the pain, the fear, the shame.

Josh continued on as though no force on earth could stem the tide of his emotions. “You used to be so open and tender. You're not anymore. When you're on stage, I see glimpses of who you used to be, when you're in your comfort zone and immersed in that space where everything is carefully scripted and there's no chance for a mistake. Reality isn't like that, though. It never will be. Life is messy, but it's God's greatest gift. Stop running scared.” He jabbed a finger toward the auditorium. “Bring your heart off stage and back into the life you've been given. Learn to believe in God's grace again.”

Maeve gathered her breath and sniffed hard to stem the tears, to squelch the breakdown she knew was coming once she was out of his sight. “Just when I thought you couldn't possibly hurt me any deeper you go off like this. I'm finished, Josh. Empty. You've ripped me to shreds for the very last time.”

She spun and yanked open the door, exiting the green room in a haze of raging temper. After striding into the hallway, she slammed the door shut just as hard as she could. For an instant, the release of tension filled her with relief and a sense of gratification.

Until she realized the damage that had been done.

Until she realized Josh resided on the other side of that closed door, cut off and removed from her in every way imaginable.

The crash and rattle of the doorframe had won the startled attention of a number of nearby theater techs. Wilting by the second, crushed deep and withering, Maeve hustled away on quick feet. Tears built into a glassy sheen that distorted her view. Hold it together, she thought. Don't break down. Not here. Not yet. Stand strong.

Embarrassed, head bowed, she offered quiet apologies to those she passed, still choking back anger and an overpowering sorrow. She needed privacy, immediately. She needed to find a quiet hideaway where she could simply disintegrate.

 

 

 

 

8

 

The last thing on earth Maeve wanted to deal with the next morning was a bright and cheery block of sunlight pouring gold through the nearby window. She groaned as the beam trekked across her bed slow and inexorable, bathing her body with subtle warmth until there was no way to avoid the dawning day. Head pounding, she buried herself beneath blankets and pillows and slammed the alarm clock when it went off sending the snooze feature into overdrive each time it went off after that.