Mage of Shadows (38 page)

Now who was the weak one, Les?

Vengeance was sweet.

I think I might have accidentally killed him, in my rage, my magically driven bloodlust, if Vik and Mehdy didn't pull me off of him. Together they managed to will away my Glow while holding me back. Les crumpled to the ground. I realized now that he had only been upright because I had been floating him there. I numbly wondered how many of those punches and kicks had been unnecessary.

"Easy, killer." Vik said cautiously, sounding remarkably serious, and even a bit worried.

"You won, bro, you won." Mehdy murmured to me, trying to coax me out of my infuriated state. My heart felt like it was pumping overtime, furiously rushing blood to my brain which only cried out for more and more. It was something I had never experienced before, a state of mind that forced the Wise Gate even further open and demanded magic- and the power surged obediently.

Slowly I came back to my senses, and my eyes widened as I realized what I had just done. Les groaned heavily, a twitching mess of bruises and blood. I looked at my hands and realized that they were scraped raw and ominously dripping a steady red. I wasn't sure how much of it was my blood, and how much was his.

Damn. What had I just done?

My teacher rose unsteadily, and Danae of all people was there to support him. For once, she was looking at me with something akin to awe, instead of contempt. Les looked up at me, and I saw his face a mess of saliva and blood. One eye would definitely swell up and blacken, not to mention the other bruises he would definitely have all over his body.

"Les… I…"

"Good." He grunted to me weakly, "Good fucking job, Stratus. Didn't expect you to manage that so soon- but damn good job. Didn't realize I just had to hit you in the jaw for you to finally Snap."

The Snap. The moment where the mage became so enraged, that they quite literally demanded their mind and body go to the absolute limit. It wrenched the Wise Gate open further than ever before, and allow an even higher access to their power. It was the last significant leap a User could ever make. The rest would just come with years of meditation and experimenting with one's abilities.

The average time it took a mage to Snap was a year. I had done it in six months.

"Get him cleaned up," Vik ordered Danae, who bristled a bit but nodded grudgingly. She led Les away to the small Med Station we had set up in the far corner of the Training Field. Vik and Mehdy let go of me now that I had regained my senses, but led me in another direction for a break of my own.

Vik looked at me with admiration of all things, "Damn, Stratus. You really went to town on him."

"It happens to all of us." Mehdy assured me quietly, "After the Snap, the Magus Glow feels intoxicating- especially the first time. Control is important. Usually the Snap doesn't occur this quickly, though…"

Shah clapped me in the back like we were best friends, "What do you expect, Stratus is a friggin' prodigy in gathering energy, we all knew it already. Imagine what he could do if we actually let him use his element!" Vik had an almost dreamy gaze, "That would be so sick!"

I suddenly had a much better understanding of why I hadn't been allowed to use fire in a fight, even when my control had blossomed. It was in case I lost it completely- just like this. I still had no idea what came over me.

"I didn't mean to do it." I protested weakly.

Mehdy gave a snorting laugh, "Obviously. Like I said, it happens. Usually it's not so bad after the first time, though. I remember when Les Snapped on Larry. It really just takes a moment- when your willpower is at its strongest and theirs is at their weakest."

"It's one of the reasons that we even have this kind of master/servant relationship." Vik explained, "At least that's my theory about it. Emotion leads to a deeper connection to one's magic, everyone knows it. Goading your apprentice into tapping into that connection by acting unfairly to them- really, it's genius in my opinion."

"I never agreed with it." Mehdy said darkly, examining my sore jaw, "But it gets results, I can't deny that."

I glanced over to where Danae was looking over Les and muttering to him while my teacher tried to wave her away, looking more annoyed than anything. It definitely got results… but damn. I had never lost control like that before. I resolved to never do it again.

At the same time, I feared whether or not I could keep that promise.

111

It had become something of a ritual for Carmen and I to patch each other up after sparring, and this was no different. My girlfriend seemed more interested in patient care than I ever was, so it was kind of ironic that I was the Pre-Med. To be honest I think we both just liked the excuse to have a few minutes of closeness in the moments between our simultaneously hectic days. Even with Les and Danae in an apparent truce, we still didn't have the opportunity to see each other much, especially since Carmen worked nearly every day at one of the law offices by campus. She was beginning to worry about LSAT too.

I winced as she applied some special salve to my bruised jaw, then a cold compress. I pouted and sniffed noisily when she told me to quit acting like a baby.

"But I'm your baby." I sniffed pitifully, "You have to take care of me and be nice to me."

"You wish." She retorted with a smile, shaking her head at my childish antics, as per usual.

Since our sparring session had been in the evening and the two of us were both free for once, we went out to eat and argued playfully over who would pay the bill this time. Our reasoning each time only grew more and more convoluted the more we did it. It was a nice distraction from the disturbing fight, which I liked. I could tell that Carmen knew I was still distracted despite her attempts, anyways.

"DEPsi is throwing a party tonight downtown," She suggested, "I know Vik is going, and I think Hershel is back with Max again. Do you want to go?"

"Max is a whore." I said distractedly, considering whether or not it was a good idea.

APA wasn't known for socializing with other frats that much, but we still got invites just like everyone else. I hadn't been to many parties, though the ones I had been to were usually the same. Mostly it was people getting drunk, and then spending the night drinking more and looking silly on the dance floor. Generally it was fun, but only if you were drunk too. Unfortunately, I looked very much like the eighteen year old that I was, and hadn't been allowed any alcohol.

This semester, I had APA behind me though. School and Les kept me away for the most part, but I had gone to a few social events anyways. It was a hell of a lot better now, since Vik was always willing to Push a bartender into letting me purchase alcohol. His fee was relatively small too- I just had to buy his drinks as well. Lucky for me that I was working and could afford pay up. I wondered if my father wasn't justified in his thinking that I was drinking my life away at school. Hey, I only did it once in a while, so that made it okay, right?

It was. I had been working so damn hard this semester it wasn't even funny. Tests and classes were dead boring and nothing really changed between reviewing for one test or another, so there wasn't much to talk about- but it was a significant portion of my day that I spent buried in some class's notes or books. I was well on track to acing all of them and really if I had to compare the magical training to my classes, my classes as a whole were harder to do well in.

Sparring was fun, studying was not.

"Sure." I agreed, even though finals week was lurking a few days away now. I needed a break to relax, if this morning was any indication that I had been too tightly wound up. Plus, this would be the first time that I would be taking a date with me instead of finding random drunk girls to dance with.

Carmen gave me a winning smile and for a bit we just walked around campus hand in hand, enjoying the nice weather that had arrived along with spring. The grass grew greener every day now, happily soaking in the rain it received from the sky on an almost daily basis. Students no longer huddled in clumps and rushed to buildings, but had taken to sitting outside again, as they had before it had gotten too cold last fall, which seemed so long ago.

I stole a glance at Carmen, then looked down at our interlocked fingers. It was strange; I hadn't even known her a year, now we were together. The first time I had seen her she was just someone to question, pretty but seemingly unattainable. Emily's death had brought us together, a collision course destined to end up here. If she hadn't died, would this have ever happened?

It was a guilty thought. Without Emily dying, I would never be with Carmen. So… was I happy that Emily died? Not directly, but direct logic wasn't how the brain worked anyways. An overcomplicated bundle of nerves that twisted our thoughts into complex knots of reasoning and rationality. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was just chance. But I was here, I was now, and Carmen was holding my hand.

That was all that mattered to me at the end of the day.

I hadn't noticed Eliza until she had blocked our path, and she had the determined look on her face that told me that an argument was coming and inevitable. We stopped short of her, and I felt a very awkward moment coming on. With the way our friendship had disintegrated steadily, I had given up hope of ever really patching things up with Eliza and the rest of them. I still felt a pang of regret, but the simple logic was that I never had a real choice. I had given it up the moment I turned Carmen's offer to run, all those months ago in the RT cafeteria.

Humans want it all, but no one ever really gets everything they ever wanted, sadly. Life just didn't work like that.

"Nick," She said, speaking to me directly for the first time in months, "Can I talk to you? Alone?" Eliza gave a pointed look to Carmen.

"Anything you can say to her, you can say to me." I informed her shortly. Still, I felt Carmen's hand leave mine. The bond between us sadly tapered out, like a light that had its circuit broken suddenly. I felt the disconnect even after a months of closeness and a solid month and a half of dating. The constant contact between us just meant I felt that much more alone whenever we had to let go, and it felt like we always had to let go.

"It's okay." Carmen said consolingly, "I'll wait for you." My girlfriend gave Eliza a friendly smile and walked past her. This left the two of us standing in the middle of the courtyard with relative privacy. My eyes followed Carmen and saw her take a seat on a bench in the far corner, gazing up at the sky as if what we had to say had nothing to do with her.

Eliza shook her head at me, "I can't believe you're doing this to David."

"Excuse me?" I asked politely, trying not to let her accusing tone bother me, "Exactly what am I doing to David?"

"Throwing your relationship with… her… in his face!" Eliza sputtered, referring to Carmen like she was some kind of she-devil, "Honestly, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you. Every day you ignore us just because Domingo tells you to, David and Raj just let it go, like they don't even care anymore. Well I still care. I care about the fact that you're limping half the time you're walking around, always with some bruise or black eye. I care that you act like Leslie Domingo's slave. I care that Nishi and Jimmy left me too. It's like our friendship meant nothing… were you just using me after all?"

Eliza's anger faded as her diatribe continued, transforming into a saddened rage. Her voice was a cracking sob as she finished, and I felt my own anger fade.

"No." I replied softly, "I wasn't using you, or David, or Raj. You think I want to ignore you guys? I don't, but believe me I had no choice. That's just the way it is."

"Quit!" Eliza pleaded, "Just quit that stupid fraternity- Nishi and Jimmy too. Why can't you just come back to us? You realize that you aren't just hurting me- David, Raj, everyone else too. We miss you guys, they just don't want to say it out loud. They feel too betrayed. Come back, Nick…"

"I can't."

She threw her hands up in the air and cried, "WHY NOT?!"

I shook my head slowly, looking away from her, "…I just can't. I can't explain, I'm sorry. That's just the way it is."

I walked past her, determinedly looking at my feet so I wouldn't have to catch her eye. I didn't want to see if she was crying. I reached Carmen moments later. She quietly reached a hand out to me, and I took it. No doubt she had heard quite a bit of that, my girlfriend hadn't been that far away.

"Are you okay?" Carmen asked as she stood from her seat on the bench.

"I don't know." I replied truthfully, "Not right now. Maybe I will be later. I'm just… tired, Car."

"Alright." She responded, and tugged me forward, "Let's go, let's go home."

She led me away, and Eliza didn't follow. I didn't turn back to see if she was still standing in the same spot, but I imagined she was. I never saw the hurt look on her face, but my mind could conjure it up easily enough anyways. We lose so much along the road of life. Death is all around us, even if it isn't in the literal sense. People don't have to die for friendships to die. Sometimes, we lose just as much to death by trying to live as best as we could for ourselves. Is it greedy, to look out for yourself even if it hurts others?

It was a question that even now, I couldn't give a clear answer. What is life? I believe one will ever really have the perfect answer. All we can do is try to live as best as we know how. Breathe in, breathe out, continue marching forward and try to do better for yourself and hopefully others at the same time.

March towards death. That's the end of every story.

111

We went to the party, even though I wasn't really feeling up to it, Carmen insisted. It had turned out much like I had expected, several long hours of drinking, dancing, and Vik making a fool of himself. Danae was summarily flirting and doted on by three different guys, Hershel broke up with Max again, and Angela actually managed to ask a battered looking Les to dance. We had urged her on, but I think it was the alcohol that really gave her the courage.

One interesting moment happened, when I saw Vik and Nishi having what appeared to be a very serious argument in the corner of the bar that had been set up. I couldn't see what they were saying, but it was getting pretty heated. Rarely did I see Vik get angry, but when he did, he got really pissed. I watched as Jimmy finally came over and dragged Nishi away. Vik's beady gaze followed them for a moment, then he stalked away and I watched him exit just a few minutes later after talking to a bored looking Larry.