Maidenhead (21 page)

He’d been waiting for me. ‘I miss you too,’ I said. I wanted to sit on his lap.

‘I missed you, Angel, from two thousand miles away.’

I felt a sluggish pulse in my throat and between my legs, the same slow throbs. It made me think I was in love. Me and Elijah were strangers in love. Maybe love like ours could be eternal.

‘Stay with us now,’ Elijah said. ‘Just stay.’

I didn’t need to ask him what I should do, or wait for anything anymore. I knew what to do and I knew what I wanted.

I knew what he meant when he said
us
.

I took off my underwear from under my skirt. My limbs felt swollen, twice their size. Elijah stared at my skirt, under where I was hairy. I felt joy, not pleasure. This was real, not a dream. The lights were on. I wanted to keep the lights on. I looked over in the mirror as Elijah slid his hands up my T-shirt. I saw the door open a crack. She was there, Gayl the Artist, with a video camera, clear black and glass.

As I straddled Elijah I got out of my bra but kept on my shirt. My purse was still on, the strap sucked tight to my chest.

‘I’m your slave,’ I whispered. ‘I’ll stay if you let me be your slave.’

Gayl was filming us through the crack in the door.

‘Take this off too,’ Elijah said, pulling my T-shirt away from my breasts.

‘No,’ I said. ‘It looks better with it on.’

I would be a collaborator. I would be the artist’s collaborator in my own porn.

Elijah started squeezing my breasts and moving them around. His face looked suddenly rocky, disturbed. Was this their plan the whole time? From Key West? To be their hot little actress? I placed my hands on the scummy tiles above Elijah’s head. I was scared for one second about my mother and my father, that they were going to find out what I was doing.

Gayl entered the bathroom. The video camera covered half of her face. Two braids touched her shoulders, her hair was unwound. I looked back at her and I tried to wink but I laughed instead. I saw a part of her mouth opening, the apple in her cheek. The video camera made the sound of a fan.

Elijah moved his robe to one side. His cock stood straight up.

‘She’s never done it before,’ Elijah said seriously, staring at Gayl’s camera. ‘She’s my horny little virgin slave.’

Elijah opened a drawer under the sink. There were three open boxes of rubbers in there. Elijah ripped open the corner of one with his teeth.

I was going to make people come without touching themselves.

The condom looked like it had saliva on it. Elijah played with the tip of it before rolling it over himself.

Somehow, right then, I knew the whole script. I knew the whole script of virginity.

‘I’m gonna be this girl’s first.’

I was ready to make-believe. Elijah looked at Gayl, right into the camera: ‘Don’t you want to be this girl’s first and break her cherry fucking hard?’

‘Yeah, an innocent virgin,’ Gayl finally spoke. ‘An innocent slut with an incredible body. Spread her thighs a little wider for the shot.’

‘Like this?’ I asked.

‘Yeah, that looks good. You can almost see her hymen stretch.’

I started to laugh.

‘See? Virgins love to fuck!’

Elijah had my waist hard and was guiding me down. I lowered myself, holding strong in my thighs. I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew how I looked.

‘Wait, slave. Open your eyes.’

I couldn’t open my eyes. Gayl was so close behind me I felt her breath on my back.

‘Fine, I got it. Go on, push her down. Hey, slave: open your eyes.’

I opened my eyes. A sharp pain ran through me. I gave myself all the way on Elijah. It hurt. It felt good. It didn’t hurt to feel good. I felt buzzing now in me. It was magical. The camera pinged. Elijah leaned all the way back to the wall so the crown of his head was touching the tiles. My hands held the sides of his arms and I bounced up and down. His neck was like mink. I moved around in a circle to try to feel even more.

‘She’s a natural, see how horny virgins are?’

Gayl liked what I was doing. Her voice was hoarse.

‘Look over here, slave. Let your lips open. Show me your tongue.’

I was their slave. My lips were ringed with lipstick and spit.

‘She’s the best, G., let’s only use her from now on.’

‘I knew she’d be. She’s my favourite. I told her.’

I licked Elijah’s neck. I felt the smallest centre line of my body divide.

This was a true loss of virginity: a multiplication of joy from a division of my self.

‘Look over here again, slave, show me your tits.’

I was trying to look over at Gayl, the black glass eye in front of her face. But Elijah pinched my waist and started forcing me up and down like a doll so hard that I thought he was going to make me fall off. Elijah looked like he was running on the spot. Gayl hovered on top of us.

Elijah shook his head side to side and he grunted up hard. I felt his cock twitch. I stood up too quickly. He tried to shove me back down on him but my knees were already locked straight. The condom slipped off him. I was wet. I wanted the floor. I wasn’t laughing anymore. I heard all our breaths flying out in the room.

Gayl pointed her camera down. She was filming me crouched down on the floor. I held on to Elijah’s legs. I covered myself.

‘Hold yourself open.’

I knew I could make myself come without touching myself.

‘C’mon, slave, you can do it.’

Gayl’s camera was a beast with the tail hanging down.

‘Yeah, like that, that looks good. Tell us how it feels not to be a virgin anymore.’

I couldn’t answer. I was a being
being
.

‘God, you’re amazing,’ Gayl went on. She was watching me, my chest up and down, my legs all relaxed. My throat and my cunt in one suctioned tube. I was making myself cum without touching myself. I looked at Gayl through her beast-like eye. ‘This is the best I’ve ever seen, Elijah. She’s ecstatic, my lord. Come on, slave, tell us, tell us how your first fucking feels.’

The condom glistened in Elijah’s cupped, callused hand. He held it like a crystal. I squeezed inside myself until I came, no hands, no thoughts, a great gush on the floor.

‘That’s how it feels,’ I got out, catching my breath. ‘I came all over your fucking place.’

Gayl didn’t turn off the camera, Elijah didn’t move from his seat. I found my clothes on the floor and got dressed.

My pussy felt bloated, it smiled and glared.

I walked to the subway in the weak morning sun. I let people look at my freshly fucked and filmed face. My head was high like royalty. I felt tender too. The kind of tenderness that could kill someone.

I’d just been in a magical porn. It was the climax of my self-fucking-worth.

Maidenhead

I
made sure the side door didn’t click. In the glare of the kitchen was the head of my father on the table, my mom’s yellow recipe book as his pillow.

‘Why were you so late?’ The head roused, eyes small.

‘I was out with Lee and Aaron at a party.’

‘No.’

‘I was.’

‘I spoke to Lee last night.’

The sun shone on my father’s face.

‘She says you two haven’t spoken in a week.’

I tried to move past him. I wasn’t even surprised. I was pissed. ‘You know I’ve heard all this before, right? The worried friends ... ’

‘This time
I’m
worried.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Who is this man that even Jen told me about, for chrissake?’

‘Dad ... ’

‘No. You just can’t be with a man who is so much older than you.’

I laughed. ‘Why not?’

‘It’s dangerous.’

‘Yeah? And what’s wrong with danger?’ I felt like I was talking to my mother.

My father stood up. ‘I will not allow you to be in danger.’

‘Come on. That’s funny.’

‘It is not funny!’

‘Oh god. Dad. I’m not in danger, okay?’ I have a cock around my neck as a talisman against violence.

‘Where is this man staying?’

‘Downtown.’

‘Where. I asked
where
.’

I was quiet. The sun disappeared.

‘You know, if you want to know so much about
this man
, just chat with Lee again. I’m fine with that, actually. She’s such a great storyteller. A great listener too. So just go huddle with her, okay?’

I finally got past my father. He was guilty and tight.

He cleared his throat strangely. ‘We have a cleaning lady coming here today,’ he said. ‘She was here last week too. She’s been a few times. Her name is Anna.’

‘Fine. Do I need to clean my room?’

‘No! She’s going to do it.’

‘I don’t want her in my room.’

‘Anna is from Indonesia.’

‘Great.’

I ran upstairs and slammed my door; left him stuck in the sun with that book of my mom’s.

LEE: I miss that fucked-up sneak.

GAYL: I still have her.

LEE: I’ll have her back soon.

GAYL: Sabotage!

LEE: Reality.

GAYL: Myra’s learning, finally, what is real.

>§

When I arrived that night at Filmore’s, I was a brand-new woman. Gayl was gone. So was the sack where she kept her camera and cords. Elijah said that she needed some air.

‘She’s suspicious,’ he said. He went back to his bed, crawled under the covers.

Now that I finally knew what they did together, I didn’t believe him. I mean, what the fuck was she suspicious about? Gayl and Elijah made porn. And I was a porn connoisseur. I was a porn scholar! I was there to tell Elijah that I wanted to do it again. I wanted to be filmed. I wanted to hear Gayl and Elijah talk about me while we fucked. I loved that part, when Gayl said,
She’s the best one we’ve ever had.
I wanted to be a porn star. I wanted to move to L.A. and get a website or something. Gayl could be my manager. There were girls like me. I knew there were girls out there like me. Girls who liked to be in porn. Girls who liked to make men feel. We would all be together, me, her and him. I was changing up my life, climbing out of the hole of not knowing who I was. I could be anything ’cause I had porn in my blood!