Mail Order Motherhood (Brides of Beckham Book 8) (7 page)

He stood and walked toward the house, wishing he could send the children to bed right away so he could take his wife to his bed.  He wanted her.  Badly.  He could admit that to himself.  He was ready to have a woman in his bed again.  It had been over a year since he’d had relations.  It was time.  He was a man after all, and he had a right to make love to the new wife he’d taken.

Clara was more aware of her new husband that evening than ever before.  Their kisses and discussions after the children had gone to bed for the past week had her waiting nervously to see how he would react to her.  When he came into the house, he stopped at the stove where she was cooking to brush a soft kiss across her cheek.  Her eyes met his in surprise, because he’d never done that in front of the children before.  Did that mean he was ready to make their marriage a real one?

Clara took her seat at the table and listened to Albert’s deep voice pray.  She barely picked at her food, so nervous she was shaking.  She had no idea what the evening would bring, but she was glad she would finally have an answer to some of her questions.  She needed that answer.

The girls played with Robert after the dishes were done, slowly rolling a ball back and forth between them.  Clarence sat at the table with her and Albert doing his arithmetic and asking questions whenever he had one.

Clara worked steadily on the new shirt she was making for Robert, taking her time with each tiny buttonhole.  The painstakingly slow work made her concentrate on something other than what would be happening once the children were in bed.

Finally it was nine, and time for the children to sleep.  She went up the stairs with them to see them to their beds as she always did.  She’d left a nightgown hidden downstairs earlier in the day, just in case.  She didn’t know if she’d need it, but if she did, she wanted to be prepared.  While Robert had napped earlier, she’d taken a bath in the big tin tub in Albert’s bedroom as well.  She wanted to be clean for him. 

Robert wanted an extra story that evening, so she let all the children pile onto the bed he shared with Clarence, and she told one of her favorite bedtime tales from her childhood.  Even though Natalie and Clarence had heard the story over and over, they enjoyed their time lounging on the bed, listening to the stories she told. 

Finally, she got all four children into bed and crept silently down the stairs, looking at Albert as he sat at the table, whittling as usual.  She took a deep breath as she walked toward him, waiting for his decision.  She stopped just a foot in front of him, and he set his wood and knife down, taking her hand in his and leading her to his bedroom.  He closed the door behind them, and he stood looking at her in the light of the lantern that he’d lit while she was upstairs.

His hands reached out to cup her face, and his eyes bored into hers.  “I want you,” he whispered softly.  He wouldn’t lie and tell her he loved her, but did that matter?  They were married and raising four children together.  They had a right to enjoy the benefits of marriage.

She took the big step between them that pressed her body against his.  “I want you, too.”  When she’d first talked to him about all this, she hadn’t really wanted him.  She’d just felt like their relationship was strange and needed this, but after two weeks of kissing after the children went to bed and talking about everything under the sun, she knew she was ready to take the relationship to the next level.

He slowly lowered his head to kiss her.  Her tongue darted out to wet her lips.  He brushed his lips softly across hers as if savoring her feel.  She moved her hands to his shoulders, silently urging him to deepen the kiss.  Instead he quietly brushed her lips before standing straight and looking down at her again.  “You’re a beautiful woman.” 

She blinked a few times.  He’d never complimented her on her appearance.  Only on the things she did as a wife and mother.  “Thank you,” she whispered.

He didn’t say anything else, just looked at her.  She wondered if he’d ever get around to making love to her, or if he was going to take all night.  On one hand, she loved the idea of a slow sensual feast, of kissing and caressing and making love all night long.  On the other hand, she knew the next day would be full of responsibilities.  What was losing one night of sleep for pleasure and getting to know her husband though?  She could handle that.

“Sit on the bed,” he urged. 

She gave him a surprised look, but sat at the foot of the bed and watched as he knelt at her feet and carefully removed each of her shoes and socks.  When he finished, he rubbed her feet for her, his hands sliding all the way up to her knees as they massaged her calves and the soles of her feet. 

She sighed contentedly.  “That feels so good.”

The look he gave her gave nothing away.  His were half closed, and she couldn’t see his eyes at all. 

She braced her hands behind her and leaned back against them, giving herself over to the feeling of having someone touch her intimately again after so long.  Somehow even his touch on her legs made her quake with wanting him.

When he stood again, she shivered in reaction.  The man certainly knew his way around a bedroom in a way Nathan never had.  He took her hand and pulled her to her feet, unbuttoning the front of her dress.  His lips brushed hers again as he pushed her dress off her shoulders and quickly divested her of her petticoat.  He wanted to see her.  She’d been his wife for over a month and he’d never seen her body.  She’d been right.  It was unnatural for them to be man and wife and parent together, but not make love or share a bed.

When she stood bare in front of him, his eyes traveled over her, noting the small marks at her waist indicating she’d carried children.  Her breasts were full, and despite childbirth, her waist was small.  He wondered why she’d never married again after Nathan had died.  She was truly a beauty, and he wondered how he’d been fortunate enough to claim her as his.

Clara watched him as he looked down at her, wondering what was going through his mind.  His first wife, Sally, had been beautiful, and she knew she’d never compare to her.  She only hoped that seeing her this way wouldn’t make him decide he was no longer willing to perform his marital duties.

Albert swept her close, kissing her face and neck and shoulders.  He was no longer being so gentle and tender as he kissed her everywhere he could reach, alternately nipping at her skin and sucking the small bites.  She wrapped her arms around him and rubbed his back through the layers of clothes he still wore.  She wondered how he’d feel if she undressed him, and decided it didn’t matter.  She was his wife, and it was her privilege to undress him if she wanted to.

“You sit down, now,” she whispered, trying to keep the embarrassment from her voice.  She’d never been so forward with a man before, but she wanted to get him unclothed, and she wanted to be able to touch him while she undressed him.

Albert moved to the foot of the bed, and leaned back on his hands, taking the exact pose she had.  She pulled until his cowboy boots came off, and then she ran her hand up inside his pants leg to catch the top of his sock and pull it off.  She certainly didn’t need to put both hands up there to remove his sock, but the look on his face told her he appreciated the gesture.

When she repeated the same action for his other sock, he watched her carefully wondering what his new wife would do next.  She skipped the foot rub, and instead, got to her feet, and he was almost disappointed.  He’d never had a naked woman kneeling at his feet before, and he’d enjoyed it.

She took his hand, helping him to his feet.  As soon as he stood before her, she unbuttoned his long-sleeved flannel shirt and untucked it from his pants, pushing it to the floor.  Under it he wore a plain white undershirt, and she pulled it over his head. 

She ran her fingertips over the fine dusting of hair on his chest and down to the waistband of his pants.  Her fingers danced over the front placket, and instead of unbuttoning him, she gripped him through his pants instead.

He let out a low groan.  “Unbutton them,” he whispered.  “Take them off me and touch me.”

She smiled up at him, stepping into his arms and brushing her bare breasts against him instead.  He’d made her wait a long time for this night, and she wasn’t going to let it happen too quickly.  If he could tease her, then she could certainly tease him.

He gripped her bottom, cupping her close to him and forcing her into his hardness.  His mouth dropped to hers and kissed her passionately, insistently.  “I need you.”

She smiled, her hands reaching down between them to unbutton his pants.  “Do you now?”

He growled as her hands worked.  “You can go faster than that!”

She laughed softly.  “But why should I?  I thought you liked things slow.”  She spread the opening in his pants wide, her hand moving beneath his underwear to grip his manhood. 

“Yes, touch me there!”

She moved her hand over him, stroking him from base to tip and back again.  “Like this?”

His hands gripped her shoulders as his knees went weak.  “I think it’s time to move this to the bed,” he whispered.

She pushed his pants down over his hips and to the floor.  “You think?”

He pushed her backward until she fell onto the foot of the bed, and then lifted her hips to fit her there completely.  He stretched out beside her, his hand immediately going between her thighs while his mouth angled toward one breast, pulling her nipple into his mouth. 

She arched against him, loving his touch on her.  His hands were rough from the hard work he did, and his touch reminded her of what a strong man she was now married to. 

He lifted his head, looking down into her eyes by the light of the lantern still burning on the dresser.  “Are you ready for me?”

She nodded, nervous now that the time had actually come to join with him.  She knew he’d be careful with her, but still, she’d only ever been with one man in her life, and it was odd to give another person this much…power over her body.

He rolled atop her and between her spread thighs, his eyes staring into hers as he reached down and guided himself inside her. 

Her eyes fluttered closed as he pushed deep.  She was startled at the pain she felt, but it had been so long for her, she knew she shouldn’t be surprised.  Her hands went up to grip his shoulders, and she clung tightly, waiting for the pain to pass.

Albert felt Clara tense against him and guessed that she needed a little time.  He rested his forehead against hers, panting to get control.

After a moment, she pulled his mouth down to hers for a kiss, lifting her hips to invite him to continue.  She stroked his back and shoulders, enjoying the feel of a man in her arms and inside her body again.  It had been too long.

With all the constant touching of the past two weeks, she felt herself growing tense and readying much faster than she’d expected.  As soon as she’d clenched around him, he finished, collapsing on top of her.

She sighed, kissing his cheek and holding him close.  She’d missed the closeness of sharing her body with another person more than she’d missed the actual intimacy of sex.  When he rolled to his side, she rolled with him, her head settling against his shoulder.  She could think of nothing to say to him in those moments, and instead just stroked his chest with her hand while she lay close to him.

Albert held her close, his hand stroking her hair.  He’d missed this part of marriage more than he’d realized.  He had worried he would feel guilty over making love to a woman other than his Sally, but instead, he felt cleansed. 

They fell asleep in each other’s arms, both of them wishing they had the right words to say to the other.  Maybe they’d find them tomorrow.

Chapter Five

Clara woke with a start the following morning.  The lantern was still burning beside the bed as she realized she was lying close to her husband with her legs tangled with his.  She quickly rolled away from him, not wanting to meet his eyes.  She couldn’t believe how she’d acted the night before, teasing him as she had.  He was her husband and should have been the aggressor in their lovemaking, not her.

She quickly pulled the nightgown she’d hid in his room over her head and rushed up the stairs to dress for the day.  She washed herself quickly in the cold water from the pitcher in Natalie’s room before changing into a clean dress and apron.  She fashioned a bun on her head, and rushed down the stairs to start breakfast before anyone woke.

Albert was just coming out of his room when she reached the bottom of the stairs, and she found she couldn’t meet his eyes.  “Good morning,” she mumbled as she hurried to the stove to start the fire.

He watched her scurry to the stove and wondered what her problem was.  He’d thought their night had gone better than he could have hoped and had really expected most of the nervousness between them to be over.  He pulled on his coat and headed to the barn to milk the cow and gather eggs, still contemplating what was going on with his new wife.

Did she regret coming to my bed last night?  Did I hurt her?  I know I did at first, but I thought she found her pleasure.  Maybe I scared her somehow.
  He hurried through his chores, so he could run into the house and talk to her about the night they’d had.  He wanted to be able to speak to her before the children came down.

When he got back into the house, he saw that Clarence was sitting at the table dressed for work, and Natalie was at the stove helping her mother cook.  Natalie took him a cup of coffee while Clara quickly fried up the potatoes that were left from supper the night before.  He loved that his new wife never wasted a thing.  She worked hard to be sure they used all of their resources to the best of her ability.

Just the other night he’d watched her and the girls cutting up some of the old woolen dresses they wore.  When he’d questioned it, Clara had explained they would braid the strips they’d cut into rugs so they wouldn’t have to stand on the cold floor during the winter.  Clara liked to be barefoot, and she would put one in front of the work table so she could work barefoot all through the year.

He took the pail of milk and basket of eggs he carried to the work table, leaning down to kiss her cheek as he set the things down.  “You all right this morning?” he asked softly.

She nodded without meeting his eyes.  She put the potatoes she’d chopped into the frying pan and broke several eggs into it as well.  “Breakfast is just about ready.  Sit down and drink your coffee.”

He eyed her for a moment before walking to the table and the coffee Natalie had set at his place for him.  He took a deep sip and sighed.  He wanted to talk to her but knew that wouldn’t be possible until the children were in bed.

All through breakfast, he kept watching her wondering what he’d done wrong.  He certainly hadn’t forced her into intimacy. 

Clara felt his eyes on her through breakfast, and she felt as if she were the worst person alive.  How could she have been so forward?  Husband or not, he was the man, and he should have been the one to initiate things between them.  She didn’t know if he’d want her to sleep with him again, or if he’d send her back upstairs to stay with Natalie. 

She ate her breakfast slowly, hoping he would leave with Clarence and not try to talk to her at all.  She really didn’t think she could face him.

Finally, he stood, thanked her for breakfast and set his hat on his head.  “We need to move the cattle today, Clarence.  You remember how I showed you to use your rope?” he asked.  He couldn’t waste more time in the house waiting for her to talk to him.  He had to get some work done.

Clara watched the two of them leave the house, thankful again for how good he was with Clarence.  She loved that he was teaching his son the skills that Clarence wanted to learn.

She spent the day as she spent every day, but she worried more than usual.  By the time he came in at the end of the day, she’d decided she wouldn’t wait for him to send her up to sleep with Natalie.  She’d just do it herself.  She’d go downstairs and talk to him as if nothing had happened after the children were in bed, and when it was bedtime, she’d simply climb the stairs and sleep with her daughter like she always did.

She wished she felt like she could talk to Albert about her concerns, but he had made it clear that he didn’t enjoy talking about things like that, and she wasn’t going to press him. 

After she’d tucked the children in, she climbed down the stairs and saw him sitting at the table whittling as he did every night.  “Would you like another piece of pie?” she asked.

He looked up, his eyes meeting hers.  “That would be nice.”  He watched her as she moved to the stove and uncovered the blackberry pie she’d made for him.  “It was the best pie you’ve made.”  He wished he had the right words that would make her stop being so prickly.

“Thank you.”  She cut two generous pieces and poured two glasses of milk, returning to the table to sit with him while they ate the treat. 

He took a bite and sighed happily.  “I’ve never met a woman who could bake quite as well as you do.”  He was almost ashamed to say it, though, because he had loved his first wife, despite her lack of cooking and baking skills.

She smiled, her eyes meeting his for the first time all day.  “I bet you say that to all the ladies.”

He laughed softly.  “I don’t think I’ve ever said it to anyone before.”  He looked down at his pie, wondering how to phrase his question.  Finally, he decided he’d just say it.  “What did I do wrong last night?”

She looked at him in surprise.  “Wrong?  You didn’t do anything wrong.  Why would you ask that?”  She was shocked he would even bring up their night together.

He shrugged.  “Well, I thought everything was fine between us, but when we got up, you weren’t really speaking to me.”  What was he supposed to think about that?

She sighed, staring down at her pie and flicking at the crust with her fork.  “I just feel like I shouldn’t have pushed you into intimacy.  That’s the man’s place, not the woman’s.”

He blinked in surprise.  “If you hadn’t pushed me, we’d have waited a lot longer to be comfortable with each other.  I think you were right.  The way we were together was unnatural.”

“But I still shouldn’t have done it, and I’m sorry.”

He shook his head.  “You should have done it.  You did the right thing for both of us.”  Albert stood and took his empty pie plate to the basin for her to wash with the breakfast dishes, going back to the table and removing her empty plate to set next to his.  “But if it makes you feel better, tonight I’ll be the one to start things off.”

He took her hand and pulled her into the bedroom, shutting the door with a snap behind them.  He pulled her into his arms and kissed her soundly.  As soon as her mouth was free, she looked up at him.  “You really don’t mind?”

“Mind?  I can’t think of a man alive who would mind.  I enjoy making love with my wife.”

She smiled, her head resting against his shoulder.  “Then I guess we’re all right?”

He laughed softly.  “We’re more than all right.”

*****

They found an easy routine after that.  Their first real challenge was the first blizzard to roll through.  As soon as Albert realized how bad it was, he strung some rope from the house to the barn so he could go back and forth easily to milk the cow and collect the eggs.  They’d known a storm like this was bound to come, but she’d been surprised to see the first so early in the year.  It was only early November.  She was pleased that he wouldn’t allow Clarence to go out to the barn with him in the bitter cold.

Clara had planned on washing clothes the morning of the blizzard, so she simply strung a line up in the cellar and dried the clothes down there, keeping to her routine as much as possible.  Natalie, Clarence, and Gertie sat at the table working on their schoolwork, while Clara mended clothes.  Robert played quietly as he did every day while the older children completed their studies.

Albert was the problem.  He paced the room.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  He couldn’t be still.  “Are you all right?” Clara asked when she got too dizzy to let him continue.

He nodded once and resumed pacing.  Clara tried again.  “Do you want me to get your whittling for you?”

He shook his head, continuing to pace.  She assumed it was just that he didn’t enjoy being stuck indoors, so she kept up her work, and tried not to notice his pacing.  After the children were in bed, and all the work for the day was finished, he finally explained.  “Every time we have a blizzard, we lose cattle.  I always worry we’ll lose too much of the herd to keep going.”

Clara’s eyes widened with understanding.  “When will we know how they fared?”

“When the blizzard is over.  Hopefully this one will just last a day.  Sometimes they’re four or five.”

They’d had blizzards in Massachusetts, of course, but they hadn’t had cattle to worry about.  Farmers weren’t affected as much by the blizzards as the ranchers.  She tried not to worry. 

Finally after the third day, the winds died down, and he and Clarence left to assess the damage.  They only lost a few head.  He was relieved as he told her of their losses in bed that night.  “I’ve lost as many as a hundred head in these storms.  We were lucky this time.  Only five were lost.”

They were thankful there weren’t more lost during the storm.  “I’m so glad.  Five isn’t good, but it could have been so much worse.”

“I know.”  He hugged her close. 

“For Christmas I’d like to have a turkey.  Do you think you could get one?  I want to make stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy.  I know my kids love that.”

Albert nodded in the darkness.  “I can do that.  You have big plans for Christmas?”  Sally had always made a big production at Christmas time, and he loved the idea of continuing that for the children.

“I’d like our first Christmas together to be special.  I’ve made special gifts for all the children.  I still need to finish Clarence’s, but the others are done.”

“And what would you like for Christmas?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t need a gift.  I have everything I could possibly need.”

“So you’re going to rob the children of the joy of giving you a gift?” he asked in mock surprise.

“I just don’t need anything.”

He sighed.  “We’ll think of something.” 

*****

The only thing that kept Clara from being completely happy during the first months of her marriage was not understanding her husband.  He would be kind and considerate at times, but he was sullen and withdrawn at others.  She could never understand what would happen to turn him moody. 

One evening in mid-December while they were eating supper, he announced he had to go into town the following day.  She’d written two letters: one for her parents and one for Elizabeth Miller to let them know she was faring well.  She wrote to Elizabeth because she wanted to, but to her parents, because she felt obligated.

“Would you post some letters for me while you’re in town?” she asked.  She really wanted to go with him.  Would he be angry if she asked?

He gave a curt nod.  “Have them ready in the morning.”

“I’ve already written them.  I was just waiting for you to go to town to mail them.”  She looked at the children.  “Would it be all right if we all went with you?”  She clenched her hands together in her lap, hoping he’d agree.

He looked at her in surprise.  “Well, I don’t know about that.  It will be very cold.”

She shrugged.  “We have coats, and we’ll cover up with quilts.  We can take some hot potatoes for our lunch, and they’ll keep our feet warm.”   If Albert and Clarence could handle the cold, then she and the others could too. 

He studied her for a moment before finally saying, “I suppose that’s fine.  Make sure the children are dressed for it, though.  I don’t want any complaints about how cold it is.”

“I won’t complain,” she said with a smile.  She looked around at the children.  “Will you complain if it’s too cold on our way to town tomorrow?”

They all shook their heads.  “We want to go!” Gertie said, in a way that told Clara that a trip to town was a big treat for his children. 

Back in Massachusetts her children had walked to town every day to go to school, so it was a bit odd to her that his children went to town so rarely.

The next morning dawned with a bitter wind, but she was determined to take the children.  She put long underwear on all of them, and then put their regular clothes over the top.  They all wore coats as well.  She took every quilt in the house in an effort to keep them warm.  She’d gotten up well before dawn so she could bake some potatoes for their lunches, which they would also use to keep their feet warm.

After breakfast Albert turned to her with a look of worry.  “Are you sure it’s not too cold for the children?”

Clara nodded.  “The children will be fine.”  The sleigh had two seats and the three older children sat in the back together while Robert squeezed between Albert and Clara on the front.