Making Marriage Work (29 page)

A person’s sin always finds them out one way or another. If someone has wronged you and they won’t admit it, that unconfessed sin will continue hurting them in one way or another until that open wound is cleaned out and healed.

When we teach on confrontation in seminars, Dave often points out that the confrontation is not designed to place blame somewhere. Its purpose is to find a solution that will bring healing and not more pain. Some wounds take time to heal and as we make changes, we need to be patient while waiting to see the results we want. Love never fails, and healing can be found in a loving environment filled with acceptance and forgiveness.

PART 3

THE FRUIT OF MARRIAGE

15

WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFERENT FROM ME?

Through skillful and godly Wisdom is a house (a life, a home, a family) built, and by understanding it is established [on a sound and good foundation].

Proverbs 24:3

The Word says that understanding establishes a home, a family, and a life. I enjoyed a major breakthrough in my relationship with Dave when I discovered that people have different personalities. This knowledge helped me to understand why we will seldom approach decisions the same way. However, these differences don’t have to keep us from agreement with each other. In fact, diversity is an important part of God’s plan.

I don’t want to spend a lot of time on the subject of diverse personalities because there are so many books and studies available that will help you discover your own personality preferences and how they differ from your partner’s. Two of my favorite books on this subject that I encourage everyone to read because they have taught me a great deal are
Your Personality Tree
by Florence Littauer and
Spirit-Controlled Temperament
by Tim LaHaye. Much of what I will share here is a summary of the wisdom Florence Littauer offers in her book, but I cannot cover in a brief chapter the great detail that is provided by her extensive studies.

I believe it is so important to understand that these differences are God-given and are what are intended to make us strong as a family unit. Without that understanding, we can let these differences tear us apart instead of strengthening our family unit and corporate body as they were meant to do.

Our individual temperaments reveal how we approach life in general. One of these tests that we enjoy working with in our seminars measures whether you are a sunny-sanguine, methodical-melancholy, controlling-choleric or a peaceful-phlegmatic personality. When couples both take these tests at our weekend advances, partners invariably discover that they are married to someone who is not at all like themselves.

I want to call your attention to the significance that these differences have and help you to understand why the person you are married to is probably not like you. When you understand that people are different by God’s design, you will see why you can’t change people or become like them. But, we can still be in agreement with each other, even though we have strong personality differences.

When you understand that people are different by God’s design, you will see why you can’t change people or become like them.

Occasionally, both husband and wife have the same test results, and if they both happen to have easygoing personalities, that’s not much of a problem. But if they are both in the strong-willed category, then they could have a tendency to knock heads a lot. An examination of a few Scriptures will help you see God’s bigger picture when He decided to make us all be different from each other.

There are also tests that can help you understand which of the motivational gifts you are most drawn to.
¹
These spiritual gifts facilitate your distinctive service in the body of Christ. Learning to understand the differences that motivate people will help you to know how to deal with the person you are married to as well as all the other people that you come into contact with in your daily life.

For example, Romans 12:6-8,10 explains the various spiritual gifts that we might have. While each of us can operate in all these gifts if the Holy Spirit chooses to use us, we are usually more gifted in one or two of these gifts over the others.

Having gifts (faculties, talents, qualities) that differ according to the grace given us, let us use them: [He whose gift is] prophecy, [let him prophesy] according to the proportion of his faith; [He whose gift is] practical service, let him give himself to serving; he who teaches, to his teaching.

He who exhorts (encourages), to his exhortation; he who contributes, let him do it in simplicity and liberality; he who gives aid and superintends, with zeal and singleness of mind; he who does acts of mercy, with genuine cheerfulness and joyful eagerness.

Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving precedence and showing honor to one another.

Notice that even though we have different gifts to drive us, we are to love each other and give precedence to one another. Whatever gift we have, we should do the best service with it that we know how to do. While we should honor others, we should never try to be like someone else. God has the big picture and best knows how to distribute these gifts to fill the needs at hand. Many people have spent years of frustration because they could not understand why they couldn’t do something that their spouse could do.

I went through a lot of frustration in the earlier years of my life because I wanted to be like other people I knew. I’m happy now to be who I am. And I’m glad that I don’t have to look at my husband any more and say, “Why aren’t I like Dave? Why can’t I be as easygoing as Dave is? Why do I have to want things a certain way? Why can’t I just say, ‘Oh, well, it’s O
K
with me. Whatever — it’s fine’?”

I tried to be like my artistic neighbor who did crafts, grew tomatoes, made plant hangers, and sewed her kids’ clothes, but I couldn’t sit still long enough for any of those things. I did talk Dave into growing tomatoes one year. That is more my style; I’m bossy, so I got him to do it, and he is easygoing so he did it. He didn’t want the tomatoes any more than I did, but he did it to keep peace.

He grew the tomatoes and the first year the bugs ate them. We tried it again the second year and the bugs came again. Then I thought, Why in the world would anybody want to do this when you can go to the grocery store and buy canned tomatoes, three cans for a dollar on sale (in 1981)? It was no longer logical for me, but I tried to do that because my neighbor did that.

I even bought a sewing machine and took sewing lessons. I about drove myself crazy sitting down in the basement sewing, ripping out seams, and putting in hems. After all that work, one arm would turn out shorter than the other one. I hated it, but kept trying to be like my friend.

Now I think that it is great that my neighbor liked to do all those things. I’m thankful for the people who grow tomatoes. If nobody grew tomatoes, we wouldn’t even have canned tomatoes in the store that people like me could go buy. But I’ll probably never grow another tomato as long as I live.

I’m happy to tell you that I’m free from sewing and growing tomatoes. It’s important to enjoy who you are because self-assurance affects your marriage. If you don’t like yourself, you won’t be likable and you won’t like anyone else.

If you have not accepted yourself and resist God’s design for you, you can forget getting along with that person you are married to. For years, I struggled to walk in love and get along with people. Finally God showed me that I had not received His love for me because I was still mad at myself for all the things in my past. I came to understand that if I did not receive God’s love for me, then I could never love myself, and if I never loved myself, I could certainly never love anybody else because I didn’t have any love in me to give away.

Insecurity is the deep root of most problems in marriages. If you can be at peace with yourself enough to like yourself, you can look outward to loving others. I’m not promoting self-love that is self-seeking or has a self-centered focus, but each individual should realize what his or her own strengths, as well as weaknesses, are. I know what my weaknesses are and I can face myself squarely now. I don’t feel bad about myself because of them.

Self-acceptance isn’t the same as a haughty attitude. I understand that everyone has weaknesses, and we are to build each other up if we are strong in an area where another person is weak. God never intended us to be self-sufficient and independent. Remember that He was the One Who said we shouldn’t be alone. Our ministry gifts and diverse personalities are designed to complement each other. Our talents are not in us for self-admiration but for service to others.

Our diverse ministry gifts and personality types are designed to complement each other. Our talents are given to us for service to others.

Dave has a phlegmatic personality; he is so easygoing he never makes waves along his journey As a choleric, I make waves everywhere I go. If something isn’t right, individuals with my personality type will try to change it. Dave’s easygoing nature makes his weaknesses less visible than mine because I am always right in the middle of things, trying to move them and make things happen. We all have weaknesses and in that we are all alike.

We all have strengths, too. Dave is strong at things in which I am pitifully weak. There are areas in which I am strong and he is weak. The point is, until you get rooted in self-acceptance you are not going to get along with people. As long as you are trying to change everybody around you and mold them into your idea of what you think they ought to be, your war will continue.

Only God can get inside of a person and change them from the inside out. Dave was smart enough to know that he had to wait on God to make those changes in my life that were causing so much unhappiness. You can still tell somebody that you need them to stop doing something or start doing something else, but a person can’t change just because you want them to.

Romans 12:3 says,
For by the grace (unmerited favor of God) given to me I warn everyone among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought
. … This is a good Scripture that every person ought to have rooted in their soul. Be careful how you think about yourself. Be careful about those haughty thoughts that say, “Well, I can do this. Why can’t you?” Verse 3 continues, …
[not to have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance], but to rate his ability with sober judgment, each one according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to him.

This means that whatever strengths we have, we got them from God. Whatever grace we have to do things a certain way, we got it from God. If another person doesn’t have those strengths, we need to bear with their failings and their shortcomings and be merciful to them and have understanding for them instead of getting a haughty attitude that makes us feel like we are better than the other person because we can do what they can’t.

We need to understand that some people are more talented than other people. Some preachers can preach and sing. They make records and have beautiful voices. They can come in, lead worship, play four or five musical instruments, and preach besides. Sometimes I feel like all I can do is preach. I can’t sing; in fact the technicians turn my microphone off when the singing starts. There was a time in my life when that bothered me.

I thought, Why can’t I do that? Or, Why can’t I have these certain gifts? We all struggle with being satisfied with who we are, but we must understand that God gives the gifts.

Some five, some two, some one. He gives gifts to people according to how He has built them, according to what God knows that they can handle, and according to the need of the people with whom they will come in contact. It’s God’s business how He makes us. Maybe God knows that if I could preach and sing, I’d get into pride. Maybe with my personality it’s better for me if I can only preach and not sing. I use a lot of ministry examples because that’s what I spend all my time doing, but you can certainly apply this to any area of your life that you choose to.

What was wrong with me that I couldn’t do all that my neighbor could do? If I would sew a button on Dave’s shirt, it would probably fall off the next day, so Dave puts his own buttons on his own shirt. I just don’t do those kinds of things well at all, but I do what I am called to do well, so I have learned to enjoy my calling. I am not trying to do something that I’m not anointed and equipped to do. The good news is I don’t have to feel bad about myself anymore because I can’t do all those other things and wonder what is wrong with me.

First Corinthians 4:7 clearly warns us not to boast of our own gifts and talents: …
What have you that was not given to you? If then you received it [from someone], why do you boast as if you had not received [but had gained it by your own efforts]?
I like this Scripture. It is thought provoking to search for some quality in our lives that we did not receive. If we did receive it then why would we glory as if praise was due to us for our gift?

Dave doesn’t preach and I’m gifted to do so. What sense would it make for Dave to go around hating himself all of his life because he can’t preach? In the beginning of our ministry, a pastor stopped us at the door of the church and said, “Brother Dave, the Lord has revealed to me that you ought to be leading that Bible study in your home and not your wife.”

So we went home, thinking we needed to try to do that. Dave tried to preach and I tried to shut up, and both efforts were equally hard. God had not equipped us to do what this other person thought we ought to do. Dave has a good, balanced attitude toward our ministry now. His isn’t submitting to me, his wife, but he does submit to the gift in me and I submit to him as his wife.

Dave recognizes that God has put this gift in me, and he finally got to the point with me where he said, “Go for it. Do everything that God’s put in you. Be all you can be, and I’m going to back you up 100 percent because God has given me to you to help you and keep you in balance and make sure that you don’t get in trouble while you’re out there doing it. And I’m going to be your covering.”