Making Marriage Work (39 page)

We received a letter from a young woman who paid us a good compliment. Here is a summary of her comments:

I thank God for your ministry because it has filled in the gaps … I could preach a series on prosperity and healing, but thank God, I can also preach a series on suffering. It’s just as much a part of the Word as all the rest of it. If we leave that part out, we’re going to leave people in confusion because you’re going to have the fiery trials; you’re going to have the tribulation; you’re going to have the affliction; you’re going to have the suffering — because the Bible says you are.

The Bible says it’s part of God’s plan to grow us up. It’s part of God’s plan to get us to the point where we frankly don’t care what’s going on, we’re the same all the time because we’re not operating because of what’s going on out there; we’re operating because of what’s going on in here [our heart].

I thank God for the teaching that I had about faith and healing and prosperity, but it wasn’t working without the part about dying to self! I was wearing myself out all the time! I was confused because I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get everything I wanted, the way I wanted it, when I wanted it.

I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me, what was wrong with my faith. I thank God for the teachings I’ve got on faith, prosperity, healing, knowing the Word, knowing how to pray, and how to chase the devil off my property. But I thank God that you filled in the gaps. We’ve got to have the whole counsel of the Word of God.

Years ago, the church was in extremes the other direction. All Christians wanted to do was suffer, suffer, suffer, suffer — but we suffer so we can get resurrected, not so you can just go around suffering in the same area all your life! When God deals with you in an area of life, you will come out on the other side of it free! But, I might as well tell you that He will always be dealing with you about something.

God chastises those whom He loves. He loves you more than you will ever know. Yes, God wants us to prosper. Yes, He wants to see us with healthy bodies. Yes, He wants our marriages to work. Yes, He wants us to have favor because we are the ones who are to bring Him the glory in this earth, but we have to be willing to do it God’s way. Jesus said, “Follow in My footsteps.” The Bible says man’s mind plans his way, but God directs his steps. Put everything that concerns you in God’s hands; He will give you what is right.

Philippians 4:6-7 says,

… in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.

And God’s peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Here’s an example of how to take everything, all of our wants, to God. Suppose that Dave decides he wants us to go somewhere and I don’t want to go.

I tell him, “I really don’t want to go there, Dave. I just don’t want to go! Could we not go?”

He is firm, “Well, yes, we’re going to go.”

I concede, “OK, we’re going to go.”

So then I go to God, I say, God, I really don’t want to go. I’d like it if You’d change Dave’s heart. I just really don’t want to go. However, God, I’ll put myself in Your hands, and I’ll believe that if You want me to go, I’ll go, and if You don’t want us to go, then You will change his heart. How many fights and wars would be avoided if we took our wants to God and trusted Him to work things out on our behalf? It never ceases to amaze me what God will do for us if we will simply ask Him.

It is amazing what God will do for us if we will simply ask Him.

God won’t leave you hanging. First Peter 5:10 promises,
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace [Who imparts all blessing and favor], Who has called you to His [own] eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you.

We can stand anything for a little while, but don’t give up until His work is complete. Continue to love your spouse until you see that you have become one. Continue to obey God’s Word until you see His promises complete in you. God will do a work in our lives that we will not be able to believe or understand.

20

HELP ME — I THINK I’M IN LOVE!

Bid the older women similarly to be reverent and devout in their deportment as becomes those engaged in sacred service, not slanderers or slaves to drink. They are to give good counsel and be teachers of what is right and noble, So that they will wisely train the young women to be sane and sober of mind (temperate, disciplined) and to love their husbands and their children.

Titus 2:3,4

The day I said to Dave, “I give up — teach me to play golf,” may have been the day I learned to truly love him. We have enjoyed golf together for a good number of years now. It is a time that we can get away together and enjoy the solitude of the course, the fresh air, and the exercise.

Sitting in the fishing boat all day may not be your idea of a perfect date with your husband, but you may be surprised at the pleasure you’ll take in seeing him within his favorite element. It could be so good for your relationship that he agrees to walk through the craft show with you the next weekend. Whatever it is your husband is able to find refuge in, take the challenge to “adapt yourself to him” and say, “You know, I’d like to go with you sometime.”

With a shocked expression, your husband will probably say, “What? You would?” I can’t wait to get your letter telling me that you took the assignment and went with him to his favorite get away. Maybe it will simply be watching a football game with him, cuddled up at his side while you hold the popcorn bowl for him. Maybe you will spend a day puttering in his workshop with him, holding a piece of wood steady while he cuts it in two.

I’m sure that one part of your testimony will be the same as the other women who offer to spend the day with their husbands doing “whatever” they most enjoy. You will write and say, “You know, Joyce, I think I might go with him again someday soon.”

When you spend this day with him, use the time to just notice him while he leads you through his adventure. Leave behind all your agendas, grudges, and payback plans. Take an interest in him, and see what surprises God has for you through your relationship with your husband.

We go in search of an experience with God, we look for our “ministry” and wonder if God can use us in some way, when all the time God has already given us the assignment to love our husbands as unto the Lord. We need to start giving our time, our attention, our sacrifice, and our service to our spouse.

Once you are good at loving each other, God will give you bigger assignments. When the two of you are in agreement, God will cause you to do ten times what you would have been able to do alone.

Dave goes out and plays golf a lot of times when I don’t want to go — I don’t feel about the game what he does. If I tell him I really don’t want to go that day, it’s fine. But we have great memories of the times we have played together. You’ve got to have fun together; you need to laugh together.

You and your spouse have to have fun together; you need to laugh together.

Dave and I still wrestle sometimes. Even though we’re older, we still chase each other around. It’s a little dangerous for me because once we start wrestling, he gets in his conquer mode and he’s going to win or else. I tell him sometimes it’s dangerous to horse around with him because I am bound to wind up with bruises before the game is over.

Several years ago, probably twenty-five years ago, we were chasing each other through the house one night, playing, “I got you last.” I would run and hit him, then take off running and shout, “I got you last.” Then he would chase me and say, “I got you last.” Then I would chase him again, and he would chase me.

Well, I ran outside, through the front door, and around our cul-de-sac. I was running as fast as I could go, then I turned to run back to the house. The overhead garage door was partially opened, but it was dark outside and I didn’t realize that the dark brown door was not opened all the way. It was suspended a few feet from the ceiling and I ran right into it, hitting the top of my head. The impact knocked me off my feet and cut my head open.

Dave had to take me to the hospital to get stitches. The first thing the nurses and doctors look for is abuse. So there I was with a gash in my head and they were probing for the story, “Honey, can you tell us what happened? Did he beat you up?”

I said, “Actually we were playing, ‘I got you last.’”

The nurse said, “You were doing what?”

I said, “We were playing ‘I got you last.’ I was chasing him, he was chasing me, you know, ‘tag — you’re it, I got you last.’ Then I ran …”

She said, “Honey, I’ve worked here a long time, and I have seen every kind of situation. But we have never had a case of ‘I got you last.’”

Seriously, couples need to take every opportunity available in a day to laugh. Seize the moment, and make each other laugh about something. I was always so serious, sober, and a deep thinker, always thinking about something, always trying to solve some problem. I have learned in the last few years to be more childlike and more lighthearted.

The things that Dave used to do that would make me mad for two or three days just make us laugh now. Likewise, I did plenty of things that would irritate him, and now we just laugh when we look back on those days. Take every opportunity that you can to laugh.

Your husband needs a helpmate, not a nag, a boss, a critic, a teacher, a potter who wants to keep reworking him on the wheel all the time. He doesn’t need you to be a personal advisor, unless he asks for it. But he does need a friend and a place to come home where he is championed, in spite of what he had to put up with through his day. He may not want to relive the stresses he went through at work by telling you about it, but he certainly will enjoy the escape to your warm embrace when he comes home. Help him to realize there is more to life than what he experienced at work.

Have fun! Plan playtime together. Look for the humor in a situation. Call it out at unexpected moments. Don’t be so serious all the time. Laugh at yourself!

One precious lady came to me at a conference and could hardly say what she wanted to say to me, but finally she admitted, “I really didn’t want to come. I was glad when I called the first time and you were out of tickets, but then somebody gave us tickets, so I came.

“We have been married twenty-four years and have seven children and I came here with no hope — I was ready to get a divorce and give up.” Tears started running down her face as she said, “I’m not even sure why, but somehow this weekend some hope has slipped into my heart.”

Dropping her voice a little, she said, “My husband and I have not made love for two years,” then she leaned over and whispered in my ear, “but tonight I really want to make love to my husband.” God’s Word changes people’s hearts. There’s hope and help in God. People without the Lord are without hope, but in Christ Jesus there is a bright future.

LIKE A PAIR OF BOOKENDS

Dave and I are one and becoming more alike all the time. When I’m with Dave, it’s like being by myself. I’m so comfortable with him; I can just do anything I want to when we are together. I don’t have to talk if I don’t want to or I can talk if I want to. Sometimes Dave and I take trips, and we will ride two or three hours without saying one word. But yet, there’s a silent communication going on between us.

I really don’t care to do many things without my husband. I just don’t enjoy being apart from him much. Dave goes shopping with me; if I go to the grocery store, he goes with me. I still have to watch him to keep him from throwing food at me when we go, but even these trips to the store are filled with wonderful memories of the two us shopping, with kids hanging out of the carts. I see Dave chasing us while I tried to restore the purpose and intent of the serious expedition we were really there to achieve.

A lot of times if I don’t want to play golf or don’t feel like it, he will want me just to come and ride on the cart. He says, “You can read or study or do what you want to.” Dave keeps me balanced; he keeps me looking at the world from new angles that I wouldn’t otherwise enjoy.

Now there are times when he goes by himself, and there are times when I go by myself. I’m not trying to sound unbalanced, but I am trying to share a principle with you. When the Bible says to leave your father and mother and to cleave to each other, it doesn’t mean to get married and then for the man to play on three softball teams a week and bowl two nights and play golf at least once after his sixty-hour workweek.

There are plenty of marriages that have irreparable damage done to them because the man was gone all the time doing what he wanted to do while his wife was home alone trying to raise the kids. Let me just say again — don’t avoid each other.

If your husband wants to play ball, go park yourself in your lawn chair and sit right there and watch him. You don’t have to thoroughly enjoy it, but you need to be there and be there with him.

Invite your husband to go to the store with you. When he says he doesn’t want to spend his time at the store, tell him you need his company. These gestures of companionship will change your love life.

The Bible says a man should leave his father and his mother and he should cleave unto his wife. And remember “cleave,” as we saw before, means to be glued to, to stick with, and to follow. To “cleave” to a person is to go where he goes, to be attached, devoted, and hang upon each other as an expression of love. “Cleave” means to be made fast, to be permanently attached as with adhesive, soldered together or welded so as to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.

A lot of times, I just hang on Dave. “What God has joined together, let not man put asunder.” I believe that the purpose for marriage is strength because the Bible says that one can put a thousand to flight, but two, ten thousand. (Deuteronomy 32:30.) The Bible says,
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
(Amos 3:3
NKJV
).