Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (31 page)

This might seem somewhat trivial. The reality is this: People who have a high personal credibility factor are people who keep confidences and find ways to avoid becoming involved in gossip.

Here are some simple tips for handling daily situations that might impact your personal credibility factor in this area. Remember this:

• You have high personal credibility when you are someone who can be trusted. Even the perception of breaking confidences can destroy the trust, thus your credibility.

• When you are unsure if you are actually engaging in gossip, ask yourself, “If this person whom I’m talking about appears at this moment, would the conversation change at all?” If the answer is yes, don’t discuss it.

•
If you have been guilty of breaking confidences or engaging in gossip previously, make a commitment to change. Just simply say, “I’m sure I don’t know all the facts,” and then change the subject. Not only will you leave the impression that you won’t share confidences and participate in gossip, you will cause the other person who is trying to engage you to stop and think about his or her own actions.

The Truth Behind the Gossip

The truth about this topic is sometimes difficult to face. We often share information or participate in gossip because doing so appears to give us more power or boost our own self-esteem. We feel a little more powerful when we have information that others don’t have. We feel a little more important when others will share information with us that might not be known or readily available to others. Or, we might even think others will like and respect us more if we show them that we trust them with information that is confidential.

Most of us want to “fit in” with others, and sometimes the sharing of confidential information gives us the sense that we are fitting in very well—that we are in the “club” or inside circle within a group. Ultimately, respect erodes when others learn that we can’t be trusted with sensitive information.

At some point, we really need to make a decision: Are we seeking short-term acceptance or long-term respect and trust?

It’s the long-term approach toward respect and trust when handling confidential information and avoiding gossip that will earn personal credibility.

Chapter Seven. Step #4: Know Yourself—the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly!

Individuals with strong personal credibility
typically have a high level of self-awareness. They are usually very aware of their own strengths, as well as their own weaknesses. They know themselves accurately and typically have an ability to see both their strengths and weaknesses in a factual, objective manner. They tend to constantly keep that awareness in mind when interacting with others.

She Knew Herself and Understood

If you recall, “Alice” was able to gain approval from the senior leaders of the organization for most of “John’s” previous recommendations. One of the reasons Alice was so successful in this area was that she was extremely aware of her own style of communication and preferences, and was able to adjust or flex her style as she worked with others. Alice knew that she personally preferred to see and analyze a great deal of data that would support a new business idea before making final decisions. She also knew that many of her peers on the leadership team had this same preference. John was more of a “seat-of-the-pants” type. He could conceive great “big-picture” possibilities and expected others to be able to see those ideas in the same way he did. John wanted others to share his enthusiasm for the idea, but he was not inclined to spend the time building the case with data to support his idea. Alice was able to work with John, develop the data that she and many of the other leaders needed to see, and then help John move his terrific new ideas forward.

Alice also knew that she had a tendency to get mired in analyzing the details of an idea, which could cause ideas to stall out and not be implemented. An idea or recommendation could totally lose momentum while she and her staff worked on gathering the details to support it. As a result of her self-awareness, she purposefully chose to surround herself with people who could do two things: Think outside the box—be very open to new and untried ideas—and give her direct feedback when she was causing the idea to lose momentum as a result of her data-gathering tendencies. The key here is that she was self-aware enough to know her own tendencies, and developed successful strategies to help her overcome those that might impede her success. As a result, she increased personal credibility. Others naturally respected and valued her as a result of her very objective self-awareness.

Third Time Is the Charm

“Roy” is a loving and compassionate husband. He is committed to his marriage, and his wife knows that she is the highest priority in his life. Roy is also a very outspoken man. He speaks his thoughts as he is thinking them—his wife often says that he thinks with his mouth! Roy had two prior marriages before his current marriage. After much counseling and self-assessment, Roy realized that his tendency to speak first, and then think about the impact of his words had caused a great deal of negative impact on his prior marriages. So, when he met and fell in love with his current wife of 26 years, he did a smart thing. He told her about his past failed marriages and his own communication tendencies. He also made it clear that he needed to be in a relationship with someone who could both accept the way his brain and mouth worked—yet at the same time be strong enough to let him know when his tendencies were having a negative impact. He promised an open mind and a sincere desire to learn a different approach. He has not failed to deliver on his promise. The marriage works beautifully for many reasons, not the least of which is that Roy finally learned his good, his bad, and his ugly!

Do you see that both Alice and John brought definite strengths to the organization? Whereas John spent quite a lot of energy trying to convince the other leaders of the organization to think like him, Alice recognized that both big-picture thinking and the ability to provide supporting details were critical. She knew very well what her tendencies were—and she knew that she needed to keep others around her who were capable of thinking differently.

Roy has so much to offer in a marriage relationship. His married life became successful when he realized his own tendencies, openly shared what he knew about himself, and made the commitment to remain open to adjusting his communication methods when they created a negative impact. In his wife’s eyes, Roy is someone with very strong personal credibility.

People with strong personal credibility tend to have a high level of self-awareness.

Self-awareness naturally extends to having “others-awareness.” Individuals who have thought about their own personality and communication styles usually understand that all styles or tendencies bring both strengths and challenges. They are naturally more accepting of others because they tend to avoid thinking in terms of right and wrong, good or bad—but instead think in terms of
differences
in style and communications.

There are many style or preference indicators available to help you determine your own style. Tools such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, the DISC personality profile, or the Insight Inventory are just a few. Most are easy to complete and can be helpful to gain increased self-awareness. If you have not had the opportunity to complete one of these, you might want to consider doing that. Using any computer search engine, simply search “Personal Communication Styles” to learn more about various instruments and how you can access them. Many are free of charge.

The following overview might help you in considering your personal tendencies and increase self-awareness:

Please check one statement that is
more like you
in each section below. (This is a forced response process. Understand that neither statement might reflect your exact style. You should choose the one that is an indication of your stronger tendencies.)

Section 1: Ideas or Evidence?

a. ___ I prefer to think about the big picture, possible ideas, or new concepts that might be possible.

b. ___ I prefer to have significant supporting information and data before I form a conclusion or make a decision about something.

Section 2: Direct or Diplomatic?

a. ___ I say what I am thinking, sometimes coming across in a blunt manner.

b. ___ I carefully choose words so that I won’t create conflict or damage feelings.

Section 3: Retreat or Engage?

a. ___ I know that I need time alone to allow me to restore my energy if I am tired.

b. ___ Even when I’m tired, I will quickly become energized when I am with other people.

Section 4: Options or Plans?

a. ___ I like to keep all my options open before committing to a plan of action.

b. ___ I am uncomfortable in a situation where it seems there is no clear plan for what will occur.

What does this tell you?

Section 1: Ideas or Evidence?

Ideas

If you checked (a), you are a big-picture thinker and can see many options and ideas. You avoid becoming overly consumed in the details, which helps both you and others keep the focus on the ultimate goals or opportunities.

Watch Out
for falling into the same situation as John. Understand that you will need to provide more data or detail to meet the needs of others, and if you are unwilling or unable to provide that detail, you might need to find alternative ways to gather it.

Evidence

If you checked (b), you have a desire for more precision and information. You automatically find ways to gather and assimilate data to support decisions, and want to be sure that the facts have been carefully reviewed and considered before final conclusions are developed. To you, trying new things without any evidence of their potential success doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Watch Out
for paralysis by analysis. There are many times when less is more—accept the fact that more information is sometimes just duplication of the same data. Be careful that you don’t squelch the fire and energy behind others’ ideas by slowing down the decision-making process too long.

Section 2: Direct or Diplomatic?

Direct

If you checked (a), you are very direct in your communications. You do not hesitate to give your thoughts and openly address any differences of opinions with others when they surface. There is rarely any hidden agenda or unaddressed conflict with you. Others clearly know where you stand.

Watch Out
for others’ misunderstanding your directness as rudeness. Although you might believe you are simply presenting an opinion or giving clear direction, others might view you as being dictatorial and closed to any other perspective.

Diplomatic

If you checked (b), you prefer a more thoughtful, diplomatic approach of communicating. You are sensitive to conflict, and want to choose words and language that will lessen the chance for conflict or damaged feelings.

Watch Out
for being unclear. In your desire to be diplomatic, you could be perceived as being wishy-washy or having no clear position on an issue. If you are directing others’ actions, they might conclude that you are making suggestions versus giving direction.

Section 3: Retreat or Engage?

Retreat

If you checked (a), you are energized by having time to think and reflect. You prefer winding down at the end of the day by being alone or with very few people. You are willing to allow others to take center stage and find it difficult to interrupt or interject when someone else is speaking. You tend to listen carefully to what others say and provide thoughtful reflection on their thoughts.

Watch Out
for being overlooked. In your desire to give others the floor to speak, you can easily miss opportunities to express your thoughts and ideas, even when they are really valuable and needed. Your quiet respect for others might cause them to believe that you have little to offer.

Engage

If you checked (b), you are energized by being with other people, and enjoy talking and expressing yourself. Because you are energized by others, you tend to give energy back to them. Groups will often become livelier when you are in the picture. It makes you uncomfortable when it appears others are not engaged, and you tend to feel responsible for engaging them.