Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (34 page)

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• What are you going to do to make that happen?

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Some Final Thoughts on Style Differences and Personal Credibility

As humans, we are each wonderfully and uniquely made. Each of us has our own “special” blend of style preferences and communication. There is no “right” or “wrong” style. Our opportunity is to increase our own personal credibility through knowing ourselves, and then interacting more effectively as a result of that knowledge. It is through this process of gaining factual information and objectivity
about ourselves and then about others
that allows personal credibility to develop and grow. It isn’t about trying to be someone or something other than our authentic self, but rather about trying to maximize that authentic self and maximizing relationships with others.

Chapter Nine. Step #6: Ask More and Listen Most

Can you imagine this scenario?
You are at work. You have just returned to your desk from a meeting that ran a little late, and you need to catch up on the day’s messages before your next appointment. So, you press the speaker button on your phone and begin listening to your many voice mail messages. While you listen to a message that seems to go on forever, you turn around to your computer and begin clearing your e-mail, targeting first the junk mail and others that you know can be immediately deleted. While the speaker phone drones on, and as you are deleting e-mail messages, a coworker walks up to your desk and says, “Do you have a minute for a quick question?” Your immediate response is, “Sure...go ahead,” while you continue to delete voice and e-mail messages. About two minutes later, your coworker asks you to repeat what she just said. You look at her in amazement and realize your only response can be, “I have no idea!” How on Earth could you repeat what she said? There is no way that you were able to listen!

Whether in the workplace or in our personal lives, technology has “advanced.” And, the result of those advancements is often resulting in the decline of our ability to stop, pay attention to the other person, and listen. There is so much competing for our attention—television, radio, and the Internet, to name a few. Many of us have both landline and cellular telephones. You would think the last thing in the world we would be dealing with is ineffective communications!

Think for a moment and consider people who you have come to trust and respect—many of those individuals take the time to stop and listen to others.

They not only listen, but they are able to demonstrate personal credibility through some very specific actions that they take while they listen! Think back to
Secret #3
, “The Decision to Suspend Judgment.” There is another part of that secret that we’ll discover here. It is that people who listen carefully are really the only ones who can tap into this secret. There simply is no way to suspend judgment without first being able to shut down our own thoughts for the moment and then focus on listening to the other person.

When we first reviewed the meaning of personal credibility, we found that people who give and receive respect are most likely to have personal credibility. We both show respect and experience the benefit of receiving it as a result of listening. When we make a decision to listen closely, we automatically have a leg up on personal credibility. Furthermore, there are specific tactics that can make a huge difference both in how well we really listen and how others perceive us.

Tip #1: Stop and Connect

We often take the power of listening for granted. It seems like such a simple, natural thing to do. The problem is exactly that: Because it seems so simple, we can completely lose focus on what is really involved. People who possess strong personal credibility tend to either stop what they are doing and listen—or postpone the conversation until they can take the time to do it.

Think for a moment of how you feel when you are talking and you get the very clear indication that the person you are speaking with is totally checked out.

Maybe you see a yawn being stifled, or perhaps you see eyes glazing over. Typically, you see some type of body language in the other individual that says, “I don’t want to listen to you.” You feel insulted, right? You probably feel like you are unimportant. Now, if this person is someone you completely trust and respect, you will forgive this lack of listening—for a while. But over time, someone’s lack of listening will eventually impact your decision to trust and respect that individual. Most of us find it very difficult to trust and respect someone who indicates a lack of desire to listen.

What is the best way to use this tip on listening? It’s actually many little things that add up. The most important steps include the following:

1. Stop other activities.

2. Make eye contact.

3. Show engagement in your body language—nod your head, lean forward, occasionally interject an “Uh-huh” or “I see.” Smile when appropriate.

4. Instead of thinking of your response, think in terms of capturing the key points the person is making. Suspend judgment while you are connecting!

Tip #2: Restate or Paraphrase

Think about some of the best listeners you know.

How do they do it? Most great listeners have trained themselves to use the technique of paraphrasing or restating what they are hearing. These individuals will gently interrupt the conversation from time to time and say things that allow you both to know that you are on the same track. When you hear the listener use his or her own words to summarize or restate what you are saying, you are very clear that this individual is carefully listening to you.

The following tips might help you use the technique of paraphrasing and restating when you are listening:

• At an appropriate gap in the conversation, simply restate or paraphrase what you heard. Some examples might include, “So you’re saying that you don’t agree with James’ point of view?” Or, “If I understand correctly, you want to take a different approach to solving this problem—is that right?” Notice that you are
not
sharing your thoughts or opinions when you restate or paraphrase. You are simply capturing the essence of the other person’s statements.

• Paraphrase whenever you are concerned that the person is rambling or moving off point. Gently interrupt and say, “Let me make sure I understand the issue so far. You’re saying that...” and then restate what you heard.

• Use paraphrasing as a means of keeping your own emotions in check. How does this happen? It’s another example of applying what you learned in
Secret #3
. If you are listening with the
intent
of being able to restate what you hear—versus offering your own opinion—you will be more likely to
suspend judgment for a while. That short while, combined with your ability to paraphrase what you heard, buys your emotions a little time. It is very difficult to get lost in your own thoughts and feelings if you are listening intently with the purpose of being able to paraphrase or restate what you are hearing. In fact, it is almost impossible!

Tip #3: Ask, Ask, Ask...

When we listen, we are often chomping at the bit for the other person to catch their breath so that we can insert our own thoughts or opinions. Personal credibility is enhanced, however, not necessarily by our jumping in to express our thoughts, but rather by our ability to step back, ask more questions, and better understand the other person.

“Stephanie” and “Ryan” and their family of four teenagers had been living in their home for about two years. The home was in a golf course neighborhood and because Ryan loved playing golf, he was thrilled with their home and neighborhood. Stephanie, however, was not as positive. Before they had built this home and moved in, Stephanie had desperately wanted to build a home on several acres in a more rural setting. They didn’t find the right property quickly, and because Ryan wanted to make a decision and move on, Stephanie agreed to the golf course neighborhood plan. When they built their home, it was one of the first homes in the new neighborhood. Then, other houses started to fill in the empty lots. Stephanie could not get her dream out of her mind of where she really wanted to live. On occasion, Stephanie would say something like, “I want to talk about building another home with more acreage.” Ryan’s response was always about the same, “We just built this home! This is fine! I don’t want to talk about another home!” He simply wasn’t open to discussing it. Stephanie would get her feelings hurt, shut down, and decide to drop it, but nothing was really resolved.

Finally, Stephanie decided to try asking more questions of Ryan. It was their daily habit to walk for exercise each morning before going to work. One day while on a walk, Stephanie asked Ryan, “
Can you help me understand why you are not willing to discuss
the possibility of building another home on several acres?” Ryan was more willing to
explain his position when he was
asked
to explain his thoughts. He quickly listed several reasons. Ryan said, “I’m close to my office at this location. I don’t want to move and drive a further distance every day, and we know that we were not able to find property we like close by.” Stephanie would then listen and
not
offer her thoughts (that’s the tough part!) She just said, “That’s fair.
Is there anything else that bothers you about talking about it?”
Ryan responded with, “Stephanie, I don’t mind talking about it, but I just don’t see the point.” Stephanie laughed a little and said, “You’re struggling seeing the point of it, I can tell. It is important to me, so,
would you mind if we could just talk a little more about it?”
Ryan, who didn’t want to be unreasonable, agreed to allow the conversation to go forward. Stephanie said, “You don’t want to drive further to work every day.
What else concerns you about
looking again for property?” Over several days of these walks and occasional discussions, Stephanie continued asking, and Ryan listed several valid reasons for his position: With four teens at home, he wanted to be able to leave his office and check in periodically on the kids and keep appropriate supervision of their activities while both he and Stephanie were at work. He enjoyed the golf club and wanted to stay involved. He did not want to significantly increase their financial obligation with a larger mortgage.

Stephanie just kept listening and asking Ryan to help her understand his concerns. She didn’t debate him, nor object to those concerns. She did, however, after asking questions and listening closely on many occasions, eventually
ask
if Ryan would be willing to hear her reasons for looking again for a different location for their home. It would have been difficult for Ryan to refuse—he had been respectfully asked and listened to about this issue for a while. She asked Ryan to just hear her out and think about what she said without interrupting as she had been willing to do. So, he agreed to listen. Stephanie then provided her reasons, which included that the golf course neighborhood was growing into a much larger development
than originally planned. As a result, traffic was becoming a problem coming in and out of the neighborhood. She and Ryan loved the outdoors and natural beauty, but as the neighborhood grew, all they were seeing were more houses squeezed closely together. There were some design issues with their house that were causing some space problems with their family. They lived fast-paced, hectic lives, and she yearned for the peace that would come from living in a more secluded area.

Finally, Stephanie asked a very important question: “Ryan,
would you be willing
to look again for a different location for our home if we could find something that would allow you a similar commute to work and home, and also would not stretch our financial commitment beyond what we’re comfortable with?” Ryan pointed out that their past efforts had failed, but finally agreed to give it another try. They both agreed that this was not urgent—they would take their time and keep an open mind. A few months later, they found several wooded acres located within an easy drive to Ryan’s office, built a beautiful home on it, and both Ryan and Stephanie have enjoyed all aspects of living there for many years now.

This story demonstrates the power of asking questions. Stephanie needed to be able to fully discuss the situation, but Ryan wasn’t willing to talk about it. By her asking more and listening carefully, the couple was able to fully explore the situation and come to a conclusion that was workable for both. Ryan often says today that he was helped by Stephanie’s questions—they helped him define his concerns in his own mind. They also helped him to explore his own objections and decide which issues were “deal breakers” and which were not. Stephanie learned that communications will open up through asking questions, listening closely to responses, paraphrasing, and then asking more. She learned the power of suspending her own judgment to understand Ryan’s concerns. Now, be assured, this is effective only when the questions are legitimate and authentic. Stephanie didn’t ask questions to
“trap” Ryan into changing his mind or to debate with him. She asked questions to gain more information and understanding.

Secret #3
—the decision to suspend judgment—is not always an easy task. However, when we decide to
ask more and listen most,
we are much more likely to tap into the power of that secret. When we listen and ask questions, we are showing genuine interest in the other person.