Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (51 page)

Sometimes you can add in a benefit (we can move nearer to you), and sometimes it’s just a matter of drawing their attention to a benefit that will come automatically if you get what you want. Either way, make sure they’re fully aware of all the ways this could help them get something they want, too.

Make Them Think It Was Their Idea

If you’re anything like me, it goes against the grain to give anyone else the credit for your good ideas. But look, who gets credit isn’t the point here. The real prize is the whatever-you-want that you’re reading this book to help you get. Who cares about little bits of credit along the way? And in fact, following on from the previous page, if the other person thinks there’s credit to be had for a good idea, let them have it. It all helps you on your way.

All you have to do is follow the logical steps toward the idea without actually reaching the conclusion. Then you just wait for them to finish your sentence for you. “Of course it would be lovely to live nearer to you, but houses around your way are that bit pricier. I don’t think we’d be able to get a fourth bedroom and we really do need it. We’re just a few thousand short for a deposit. We’ll have to wait a few years for our next move before we can just pop down the road to see each other.” To which, hopefully, your mother replies, “Unless...maybe we could lend you just a few thousand...it would be lovely to have you close by...,” and you respond, “What a clever idea!” Now that it’s her idea and not yours, it’s much harder for her to change her mind.

Sometimes, if they’re almost there but not getting it, you can wait until the conversation moves on—maybe wait a week or two—and then say, “Do you know, I thought your idea about moving to a house/joining forces was a clever/sensible/workable one.” If you’re praising the idea they’re unlikely to deny it, and maybe they misremembered—maybe it was their idea....

Discourage Their Bad Ideas

Of course, you’re not the only one with ideas. Other people will come up with schemes and suggestions too. Some of them will be good, some may even be directly helpful to you, and some...well, some will just be downright bad ideas. And, what’s more, they may threaten to get in the way of what you want. Like your partner’s suggestion of moving your in-laws in with you. It might work for some people, but in your case it’s clearly going to be a disaster. Or your colleague proposing that you all take turns to project manage
the year’s trade shows instead of having one overall project manager. Or your best friend insisting that you really must join her on her latest fad diet.

I know one couple who has been together many years. He is somewhat prone to coming up with suggestions that she really can’t stand. However, if she says so it can start an argument, and he may become more entrenched. This is the danger when you disagree with someone—you draw attention to his idea and encourage him to promote it more actively, which is the opposite of what you want. So in the case of this particular couple (and probably many others) she’s developed a successful technique over the years. When he comes up with an idea she doesn’t like, she just says, “Mmmm.” Faced with this resounding lack of enthusiasm, but without a direct challenge, he generally forgets about it sooner or later.

So don’t try to shout down the ideas that get in your way. Just ignore them, and there’s a good chance they’ll simply go away.

Find Out What It Will Take

Here’s a genius of a technique for getting any kind of work-related upgrade—promotion, pay raise, extra perks—and it can work for other things too such as getting a loan from your bank manager. It takes a bit of patience, but you’ll get what you want in the end. And we all know that if it’s worth having, it’s worth waiting for.

If your boss has turned down your request—or if you don’t want to ask or don’t feel there’d be any point right now—you ask this killer question: “What would I have to do to be worth a pay raise (or whatever) in six months’ time?”

If you think about it, they can’t very well say “nothing.” They’d be telling you that you can’t add any more value to the organization. So they don’t want you to work harder or improve your results? Of course they do.

That means they have to give you an answer. And whatever that answer is, that’s your target. If you can achieve that in six months” time, they’ll have to give you a pay raise. Especially if you’ve followed up this conversation with an email confirming what’s been said.

Obviously it doesn’t have to be six months—you can ask whatever you think will be appropriate in terms of timing. But it is important that your boss is specific. It’s no good just saying you’d need to “increase sales” or “get more qualifications.” Increase sales to what level? Which qualifications? It needs to be specific, so they can’t argue with you when you do it.

If your boss tries to waffle and say they don’t know exactly, money’s tight and they’re not sure what senior management would feel, ask them to find out for you. And email them little reminders if necessary until they do. Remember you’re not asking for a handout. You’re asking at what point would your value to the company be so great that it would be profitable to pay you more to motivate you.

Get a Team Behind You

If you want someone to do something big for you, which will take time or money or commitment or hassle or effort, she will probably want to take advice or consult other people. Management will want everyone’s views on whether to open that new branch (the one that you want to run). Your parents will seek your brother and sister’s opinion on whether to move to a smaller house nearer to yours. That man you’ve taken an interest in might want to see what his friends think before he asks you on a date.

So it’s only logical to get as many people as you can on your side before you ask the key person. That way, the advice she’ll get when she starts consulting will be in your favor. If everyone in the meeting is arguing in favor of the new branch, the management is far more likely to agree. Mom and dad will be much more inclined to make the move if all their children support it.

So prime all these people, and convince them of your case. If this is a big deal, treat each one as a challenge in itself, and use all the strategies we’ve covered to get them to support you. It will take time, maybe—effort, certainly—but it will be worth it when just about everyone comes out in your favor.

Part 4: And If You Really
Do
Have to Ask...

OK I lied. At least, I didn’t exactly lie. I said I’d tell you how to get what you want without having to ask, and I have. I just omitted to mention that occasionally there is nothing to do but to ask directly. So to make up for misleading you slightly, I’m now including a few guidelines so that when you
do
have to ask, it can be as painless and as effective as possible.

Ideally you can practice these techniques as much as possible until you find that, actually, asking’s not so bad. After all, it can be the simplest and most straightforward way to get what you want. That doesn’t mean that all the rest of this book is wasted, because you’ll still need to use most of the skills and tactics and techniques and strategies and ploys we’ve covered. But just plain asking can certainly add another string to your bow.

So here we have it.

How to get what you want without having to ask
twice
.

Be Clear What You’re Asking

Sure, some requests are pretty straightforward. Can I have Friday off to travel to a family wedding? Can I extend my overdraft? Will you go out with me? But often there’s a more complicated agenda. Suppose you want your partner to help you lose weight, and you’re asking her to support you. How? You want her to tell you off every time you look at the cookie jar? Agree to stop cooking certain foods? Go on the diet with you? You need to know what you’re asking, or how can she know whether to say yes?

Here’s another example. You want your boss to give you more responsibility. So you ask him. And he says, what extra responsibilities do you want? When do you want to start? Will you need extra support? Are you prepared to put in longer hours? And if the answer is no, is that it, or are you going to ask him to reconsider if you enroll in an evening course to brush up your skills, or get more experience over the next few months, or wait until someone in the department moves on?

Don’t go into the conversation until you’ve thought through all the possibilities, and are clear in your mind about exactly what it is you’re asking. Because if you don’t know, he’s certainly not going to. And if he’s not sure exactly what he’s agreeing to, well...it’s easier just to say no.

Pick Your Moment

Last night I was busy trying to cook for the family. The gas had run out so the grill wasn’t working, and I had to use the dinky, little emergency slow cooker that never cooperates fully. I’d had to work late (writing this book) so I was quite tight for time. In any spare moment I could grab I was putting together my youngest son’s lunchbox for the morning and changing the laundry load. I was also trying to get a pill down a recalcitrant cat, which was the moment my eldest son decided to ask me if he could bake some cookies. Guess what I told him? (But please leave out the language I used under my breath.)

If you want someone to say yes to you, the time to ask them is when they’re feeling chilled, happy, relaxed, full of the joys of the world, at one with the universe. If you can’t catch them in that mood, at least wait until they’re cheerful and not in a hurry. Finding the right moment can seem like a minor detail, but getting it wrong is actually one of the biggest reasons people say no.

Make a Date

Sometimes you know that you’ll get what you want if you catch someone in the right mood. And this may be only a small (though important) step toward your final goal. Catching the right moment works for certain people, but others are always busy, and you tend to feel you haven’t got their full attention. Or this is a vital stage in your plan, even the crucial point, and it’s really important you discuss what you want in detail. Maybe you need to convince your partner that now is the time to start a family, or to persuade your boss to interview you for the new position.

In that case it’s really essential you have their full attention for several minutes at least. It’s just not going to work if they have to dash off before you’re done asking. So the answer is obvious: Make an appointment. Don’t just aim to catch your boss on a quiet day—ask for an appointment. If she wants to know why, say you want to talk about your work, or your performance.

In the case of your partner, if home life gets busy you can arrange to go out for a walk or a meal to get them alone for a decent length of time. You can invite a neighbor or friend over for coffee or out for a drink. Whether it’s a formal meeting or an informal get-together, what you need to organize is time away from other distractions so you can concentrate on what you’re going to ask.

Know When to Put It Off

This is something you really want, something important to you. Even so, it just occasionally happens that you realize before you get to your meeting that you’re not actually properly prepared for it. Maybe you were going to prepare and then some crisis got in the way. Or perhaps you discovered some vital fact at the last minute.

Whatever the reason, you’re now supposed to be meeting your boss, your child’s head teacher, your mother, your bank manager, your neighbor—whoever—in a few hours, and you realize you’re not ready. They may ask questions or raise arguments that you have no good answer to. What do you do?

You postpone; that’s what. Rearrange the meeting or ask them if you can have that chat next week instead. I know, I know, you don’t want to mess people around, and you don’t want to wait. But what else can you do? You only get one chance at a first approach—and it’s always so much harder to have to go back and re-propose whatever it is, because you weren’t prepared the first time.

Another few days will be worth the wait, knowing that you can get all your homework done properly before the next time, and that you’ll then wow her with a convincing and appealing approach that she can’t say no to. And that’s worth waiting for.

Keep to the Script

Right, you’ve already made sure that you know exactly what you’re asking for. However, you also need to know why the other person should give it to you. So the thing to do now is to memorize three key reasons why they should say yes.

That’s not the same thing as three reasons why
you
want the thing. Your potential babysitter may not in the least care whether you learn Italian. Or what job you’re hoping to get as a result. They’re far more likely to be persuaded by reasons such as—you’ll owe them a big favor, you’ll mow her lawn every Saturday and your mother is prepared to do it occasionally so she won’t be letting you down if she has to skip a week once in a while.

Your partner may love you just as you are, but he may see the sense in supporting your diet if you point out that it will make you feel more confident, you’ll be far easier to be around if you don’t have to watch him hide doughnuts, and you’ll be able to go for those long walks he enjoys if you’re leaner and fitter.

Your boss needs to hear why you should get a pay raise: You exceeded your targets yet again, you’re now fully versed in important software that you couldn’t previously use, and you have taken on additional responsibilities.

Now you have to make sure that when you ask you remember to state clearly these three reasons for saying yes, so the other person is in no doubt about the benefits of saying yes to you.

Rehearse It

I’m guessing if you’re reading this book that you may not be entirely comfortable with asking for important things. If you’ve followed all the guidelines in this book, you’ve given yourself the best possible chance—you’ve persuaded the other person they’d like to say yes, and you’ve made it as easy as possible for them. All you need now is a bit more confidence.