Man of Honor (Passion in Paradise Book 4) (32 page)

Bree laughed.  “Duly
noted.  Okay, so the assailant that kept apologizing…he knew your name?”

Honor’s eyes
widened.  “Yes,” she breathed.  “But I don’t think I knew that before today,”
she admitted, sitting up straighter.  “I mean, I remember him saying he was
sorry, but I didn’t remember that he knew my name.  That he knew ME!”  Her
heart pounded in her chest as the implications of this new information exploded
in her mind.  It was possible her late brother-in-law, Tanner, had told the
others her name that night, but she couldn’t remember any of the other animals
saying her name.  Not even Tanner, who’d known exactly who she was when he’d
pressed a Taser to her neck to neutralize her and thrown her in the back of his
car trunk. 

Bree nodded and made
a note on her pad of paper.  “Let’s keep going, Honor.  What else do you
remember about that particular attacker?  Single him out in your memory for me
and concentrate just on him.”

Honor closed her eyes
again and took another deep breath as she let her mind wander back to that dark
night, latching onto the memory of that faintly whiny voice breathing in her
ear.  “H-his breath didn’t stink.  The others smelled like alcohol and smoke
and sweat, but he didn’t.  He smelled like…”  Honor frowned as she struggled to
remember.  “Gum.  Juicy Fruit, I think.  It was over quick with him.  And like
I said, it was only once.”

“Anything else?” Bree
questioned quietly.

“When it was over and
the men were done with me, they argued.  They couldn’t decide what to do with
me.  The young voice… he wanted to let me go.  He begged them to let me go, but
the others got angry.   They must have hit him because I heard him cry out and
fall.  And when they circled me and started kicking…I heard him crying.  He
didn’t join in with the others even though they told him to be a man and get
up.”

“Do you think he
could have been related to one of the older perpetrators?”

“I….”  Honor squeezed
her eyes shut as the present day faded around her.

~***~

“Hold her fuckin’
arms, goddamn it!” a deep voice snarled.  “If this little bitch squirms one
more fuckin’ time, I’m gonna slit her throat right here,” The Voice threatened
as he painfully captured her wrists in his hand again and wrapped them with
what felt like twine.  It was too hard to be rope, Honor thought as she tried
to lift her heavy eyelids again.  Her side burned as she felt her body being
lifted off the hard ground. 

“Please, just
leave her here,” the weaker voice begged as he stroked the hair back from
Honor’s bruised face.  “She’s been hurt by us enough.  Look, she’s bleedin’
somethin’ fierce.  Just let her lie here and find some peace!”

“Shut the fuck
up!  You heard the Boss.  We’re gettin’ rid of her.”

“Bubby, please…”

~***~

“Brothers!”
 Honor exclaimed, her eyes flashing
open as the flashback faded.  Pale and shaken, she panted quickly as she tried
to pull air into her lungs.  “They were brothers!  Oh, my God!  I’ve gotta tell
Zeke!”

“Okay, slow down,
Honor,” Bree soothed when it appeared her patient might actually pass out on
her. “Take a deep breath,” she directed her patient as the woman’s dilated eyes
seemed to take over her face.

“The nicer one… he
called one of the other men ‘Bubby’.  You’re not from around here, but that’s a
pretty common way of referring to a male sibling in this area.”  Forcing
herself to inhale deeply, Honor held it in her lungs a moment before slowly
blowing it out.  God, she couldn’t believe this!  Maybe this therapy crap
wasn’t utter poppycock after all.  “How did I not remember that before now?”
she asked when it wasn’t such an effort to breathe. 

“Possibly because
you’ve never talked through the horror of what happened with anyone.  Maybe
because I don’t know you very well and you feel more comfortable telling these
things to a stranger rather than someone that loves you.  Honestly it could be
these or any combination of different things,” Bree theorized.  “Do you want to
keep going or shift to a subject that isn’t quite so painful?”

Honor blinked
rapidly, her chaotic mind working overtime to keep up with what Bree was saying
to her.  “But shouldn’t we go tell Zeke about what I remembered.”

“We will.  After the
session.”

“O-okay.”  Honor shot
the doctor an unsure look.

“It’s okay, Honor. 
Seriously, it’s been eight years since Zeke’s caught a real break on this
case.  He can wait another half hour or so.  Besides, while that breakthrough
is incredible, it’s not a lot to go on yet.  I don’t want you to get your hopes
up too high on this piece of information alone.”  Seeing the crestfallen
expression on Honor’s face, Bree rushed to encourage her.  “Don’t be
disappointed.  The fact that you remembered something concrete on your very
first session is amazing.  And every appointment after this will continue to
grease the wheels of you memory.  The wheels are rusty right now, but the more
we work with them, the smoother they’re going to turn.  Make sense?”

Hearing that analogy,
Honor had to admit what she said made complete sense.  “I understand.”

“I don’t want to lose
momentum here with this recollection, but I have to weigh that benefit over the
risks we run for an upswing in your nightmares and waking flashbacks. 
Recalling things too quickly might incur some pretty serious drawbacks.  We
have to move cautiously.  That said, would you like to continue or move on to
something a little less stressful?”

Honor chewed her lip
for a moment, deliberating.  As badly as she wanted to see what else she could
remember to help Zeke catch these animals, she also didn’t want to put herself
back in that dark, airless void she’d been locked inside eight years ago when
she hadn’t been able to speak. 
 
“M-maybe we shouldn’t push our luck
today.” 

“I actually think
that’s the wiser decision, too,” Bree praised.  “Let’s go back a bit and
discuss your current relationship with Zeke a bit more.”

Honor groaned before
she could smother the sound with her hand.  Staring at the serene woman sitting
in front of her, Honor shook her head.  “You are truly relentless, aren’t you?”

“You wouldn’t be the
first patient to say so.” 

“Great.”  Honor
glanced around the room, trying to locate a clock.  “Hasn’t it been an hour
yet?”

Bree’s lips twitched
with amusement.  “Your sessions are 90 minutes.”

“Oh, goody,” Honor
grumbled under her breath.

“So,” Bree began,
flipping backward through the pages she’d been scribbling on, “You said earlier
that the sheriff had returned to living in your home, correct?”

Honor nodded.  She
truly hated how invasive these questions were beginning to feel, but recognized
that Bree was going to do a thorough job whether she wanted her to or not.  She
might as well just cooperate.  Maybe she’d get out of here with as few bruises
as possible.  “Yes.  He’s been back at the house a couple of weeks now.”

“And what’s that
relationship dynamic like?” Bree asked mildly.

Honor’s brows drew
together.  “I don’t understand the question.”

“Well, let’s start
with, are you having sexual relations with him?”

Honor’s jaw fell as
her eyes bugged out of her head.  “I beg your pardon!” she cried, offended by
the candid question. 

“Should I take that
as a no?” Bree raised an eyebrow.

“I…that is to say
we’ve never….I mean, I can’t…NO!  No, we haven’t!”

“Ever?” Bree
continued, ignoring the appalled look on Honor’s face.

“No!” Honor gasped,
scowling at the other woman.

“Okay,” Bree said,
making another note on her pad.  “Do you want to?”

“Do I want to what?”
Honor snapped, more irritated than she ever remembered being with another human
being
except
for Zeke.

“Do you ever want to
have sex with the sheriff?”  Bree continued, unperturbed by Honor’s low squeal
of anger.

“I can
not
believe
you,” she huffed, her cheeks turning bright red.  “What kind of question is
that?”

“The normal kind for
a therapist to ask a patient that’s suffered a violent, traumatic sexual
assault in her past.”

Honor made a low
growl as she pursed her lips.  “Fine!” she finally spat when it became clear
Bree was willing to wait her out.  “I don’t
know
if I ever want to have
intimate relations with Zeke.”

“What about anyone
else?  Is there anyone with which you’d consider sharing your body?”

“Of course not!”
Honor exploded.  “If I can’t wrap my head around getting naked with a man I
do
trust, I can’t begin to think about doing it with somebody I don’t!”

“So, you’re still a
virgin?” Bree asked gently.

Honor blinked
slowly.  “Did you have a stroke or something?  We just spent a half hour
talkin’ about how five jackasses brutally violated my body.  No, I’m not a
virgin!”

“That was rape,
Honor.  An act of violence,” Bree corrected.

“Uh, yeah,” Honor
retorted sarcastically.  “I got that when they were holding me down, Bree!”

“What I’m saying is
that you didn’t have a choice with what was done to your body then.  A woman
chooses to give her virginity away to a person she trusts.  You haven’t done
that yet, but you still can.”

“I don’t follow.” 
Honor lifted a hand to rub the back of her aching neck. 

“Giving your
virginity to a man isn’t just about losing the hymen, Honor.  It’s about
offering someone your trust enough to allow them to share your body for the
first time in an act that is both pure and consensual.  Yes, in the very
strictest sense of the word, you’re no longer a virgin.  The membrane called
your hymen was lost during penetration.  But you didn’t make that choice; it
was made for you.”

“I don’t think you
get a virginity do-over, Doctor,” Honor asserted grimly.

“I think both Zeke
and a lot of other rape victims would disagree with you.  It’s food for
thought,” Bree noted.  “At any rate, to summarize, you’ve not experienced any
kind of sexual situation since your assault, and as of right now, you’re unsure
if you’d ever want to experience that kind of sexual intimacy.”

“I don’t even
know
if I can, Bree,” Honor whispered, troubled. 

“Why do you say that,
Honor?”

“
Because
, it
hurt!  When those animals tore into me, there was so much pain.  Hideous, awful
pain deep inside of me.  I’ve never felt anything like that kind of agony.  Not
before and not since.  Every time I think about Zeke sliding his…
you-know-what…”

“You mean his penis.”

Honor pressed her
lips together and fought a scream.  Couldn’t this woman observe
some
kind
of boundaries?  After all, she barely knew her.  “Yes, that,” Honor said
stiffly.

“Say it.”

Honor balked.  “Say
it?” she repeated on a yelp.

Bree nodded slowly. 

Seeing the other
woman settle into her armchair to outlast her again, Honor slapped her hands
against the couch.  “Fine!  I’m terrified that if I try that with Zeke and he
sticks his…
penis…
,” Honor hissed, glaring at the other woman.

“Very good.” Bree
smiled.

“….If he sticks his
penis into me, I’m afraid I’ll feel like that again.  Being ripped in two over
and over again one time in my life was enough for me!  And yes, I know that
logically this is a completely irrational fear.  I’m not a complete moron, and
I took a human anatomy class in college, but I still can’t help how I feel. 
Lately, he’s started kissing me goodnight at the end of the evening, and I’ve
been able to enjoy that.  Truthfully, I’ve enjoyed it a lot.  But when I feel
him get hard...you know, down
there
,” Honor revealed, gesturing toward
her lap as she lowered her voice to a whisper, “Well, I freeze.  Ezekiel is
patient and kind.  He swears up and down he’ll never hurt me the way I was hurt
before, but I can’t seem to forget the pain that came afterward.  When I
remember that, my body goes cold and the pleasure just dries up for me.”

“It’s a perfectly
natural reaction after what you experienced.  But, this obstacle isn’t
insurmountable.  Let me ask you this, Honor.  Have you ever had a self-induced
orgasm?”

Honor felt her face
go up in flames.  Shaking her head furiously from side to side, she struggled
to find words.  “I…you….arghhhh!” she moaned, burying her heated face in her
palms.

“Take a moment to
gather yourself and then answer the question,” Bree coached in a low voice.

God, this needed to
end soon, Honor thought desperately.  Otherwise, she needed to pray that a hole
in the earth opened up and swallowed her whole.  Never had she imagined
answering these kind of questions.  “No,” she finally reluctantly disclosed as
she lifted her head.  “I haven’t.  Other than to wash, I don’t touch myself
down there.”