Manslations (10 page)
Authors: Jeff Mac
Oh, and if this chapter hasn't cured you of the urge to ask your man, “So what are you thinking about?” I don't know what will.
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I hate to think that sex might or might not result in children. It would be as if every time you ate ice cream, there was a chance that you might burst into flames. Such a cruel trick played by Mother Nature. Personally, I think you should have to fill out some paperwork or something to get a kid and just let sex be fun. But no one in charge really cares that I think that.
The scientist in question, Dr. Erik Jorgensen, director of the Brain Institute at the University of Utah, has been awarded the prestigious Only Footnote in this Entire Book to Contain Actual Research Award. Congratulations, Doc!
See page 10. You know, in case you've already forgotten them.
Think of it like buying shoes. You'd never judge shoes just because they looked great. You'd need to know that they were super comfortable as well, or you'd never even consider them, right? Okay, bad example.
Let's forget for a moment that many of the women we're talking about (supermodels, etc.) only appear in magazines that men never read.
The reason why the May/December relationships play out how they usually do is probably financial. If there is a couple who has a major difference in age, the older one is, generally speaking, the one with the money. And the younger one is the one with the looks. And yes, given a choice between two women—even complete moron women, let's say—most men are likely to go for the moron with the hot body rather than the moron with the huge bank account. I'll give you that one.
By zillions of stand-up comics, strict Freudians, and militant feminists. Maybe the only metaphor in history ever to have been made by all three groups simultaneously. That's got to count for something.
I won't get into our physiological differences, because, let's face it, if you don't know what they are, you're probably too young to read this book. Well, either that or you've never spoken to another human, in which case, I can't imagine how you learned to read. Or found a bookstore.
CHAPTER 4
first date dos and don'ts, or
you're not wearing that,
are you?
E
verybody knows what a first date is. We've all seen
Happy Days.
A boy and a girl meet; they grow nauseous with desire and worry; one of them asks the other one if they'd like to go out on a date. And despite the fact that 99 percent of the time this ends in total disaster, we just keep right on doing it. Why? Well, this actually needs a little manslating.
Men and women have different fantasies about a first date.
Now, as we've already discussed, men and women have different fantasies about everything. So the first date is no exception. Here's the thing. I think you need to know what a man
does not
fantasize about so you can set your expectations.
For the male mind, “romance” is often a total mystery. We don't really get it. At all. We don't know what it's for (what it
does
—remember that part?)
For a woman, romance is often an essential part of the fantasy. A man comes through the door and sweeps her up into a whirlwind adventure, where he treats her like a princess and confesses things to her that no man has ever said— things that
he
has never revealed to any woman before. I'm not suggesting that every woman thinks this way or that they believe consciously that it's going to be like this. I'm just saying it's a template for the
kind
of thing that one's mind might flash on.
The main theme of this fantasy seems to be magic
.
As in, Cinderella-style magic:
my life was normal… until he came through my door.
It's what you dream about when you don't know someone very well.
I bring this up only to say that men don't fantasize about that. Ever. It's just not that fun or interesting for us. Men don't fantasize that our life becomes magical. We fantasize that we are Han Solo, or some version of a “cool guy.” Our big fantasy is that you think we are the coolest guy in the world.
Now, of course, I'm just talking about what most people think before they know the person they're going out with. What most people ultimately want is to be in a real relationship in which they are both crazy about each other and love each other for exactly who they are.
But… we're talking about dating. Totally different thing. I'll break it down into sections and give you some dos and don'ts based on some manslations of what you may not know about male dating habits.
The sections are:
- I. Getting the Date
- II. Pre-Date
- III. On the Date
- IV. At the End of the Date
Before we get into these four sections (which, be honest, are pretty brilliant, aren't they?), we have to cover one of the big problems of modern dating: Where does one meet someone he/she might want to, you know, go on a date with?
Actually, this is easier now than ever before. Imagine you're a cavewoman. Where are you going to meet boys? Pretty much in your cave or no damn place at all. But now we've got all kinds of ways. Trouble is, most of them are terrible.
I know plenty of people who have met their person in a bar. Nothing wrong with that. It's nighttime; there's music; there's mood lighting; there's alcohol—what a great place to meet someone, right? Or at least a great place to meet someone who might be drinking.
Here's something important to realize, though. If you see a man hanging around in a bar (especially a dance club), there is only one manslation, and it is not “to dance.” And it's probably not “to have a meaningful conversation,” either. The manslation for a man at a dance club is
that's where he heard they were keeping all the vaginas.
(In fact, now that I say it, that's almost the only reason we leave the house at all.)
Perhaps you've heard of it. It's that thing that lives inside your computer, where they put all the porn, cheap pharmaceuticals from across some border, and Nigerian banking schemes. And it's a hugely popular way to meet people with whom you might want to do the sex. The positives are that it's always available; you don't even have to leave your house to use it; and nobody knows who you are.
The negatives are… well… picture the majority of people for whom those “positives” are the big selling point? Right, exactly. I'm not discouraging you. I'm just letting you know that regardless of how rosy a picture some of these guys paint of themselves, the prince-to-frog ratio is pretty brutal. About the same as in, you know, the real world.
Every once in a while, you read an article that tells you where you might want to meet up with dudes. The laundromat was a big one for a time (He does his laundry! Keeper!); so were bookstores, of course (Hey, at least he can read!), and hardware stores (He's so handy! What if your toilet breaks? He'll take care of it!).
Nothing wrong with any of these, but I have to tell you that the second there's an article saying that this or that place is an excellent place to meet men? Yep, you guessed it—all the players will swarm there, looking to cash in on all the newly hopeful women who read the article.
On my website, a woman once mused that there must be a bar somewhere that only nice guys went to. But I promise you, if there was a nice, clean bar called T.G.I. Considerates, by 9:00 p.m. it would be crowded to capacity with jerkoffs, and the nice guys wouldn't even be allowed in.
This is widely considered the best method to meet someone. And it's hard to disagree—what are you going to do, meet someone through your enemies? Do you actually
have
enemies? Or perhaps an arch nemesis?
If I did have enemies, I surely wouldn't date based on their recommendations. That would probably be exactly what they'd want me to do. And they'd set me up with some psycho who… ah… now some of my old relationships make so much more sense…
Bottom line: It's always good to get a recommendation from a friend if you can manage it, along the lines of, “Hey, this guy is actually not insane.” Great. Just make sure that your friend isn't insane. Kind of defeats the purpose of the recommendation.
So let's move ahead into the world of the First Date.
It seems to me that there are only two major ways to get a date: either he asks you out, or you ask him. I mean, I suppose that there must be other ways. Maybe he kidnaps you at gunpoint and decides he wants to take you out to the Olive Garden; maybe the two of you fall out of separate airplanes and land in the same movie theater. But these aren't situations that you really need to plan for.
For the most part, one of you has the idea that you want to go out on a date and asks the other one if they like that idea and want to do that. Simple, right? Everybody with me? Hello?
So with that said, let's focus on the two most likely possibilities:
If you want him to ask you out, here are some dos and don'ts.
Do
- Meet Him:
Failure to do this will almost certainly result in not going out on a date with him. He can't come to your house and find you. And if he can, he probably works for the NSA or the CIA, and he's been tapping your phone or something. Which, hey, whatever turns you on. - Talk to Him:
Again, you're likely going to have to do this at some point. I realize how terrifying this can be when you don't know somebody very well. But there's not too much to be done about it. I'm sorry. - Be Fun:
I know, now I'm just being prejudiced against the boring and intolerable. I get that. But nonetheless, you're far more likely to get him to ask you out if he is of the opinion that talking to you is enjoyable and being on a date with you will be even more enjoyable. It's just the way it goes. - Make Him Feel Welcome:
You'd be surprised how many times a woman will not behave as if she even wants him around. He may like to think of himself as a bad-assed ninja or Jedi who would never, never be too intimidated to ask a woman out and all, but if he feels like you're happy he's there, it might ease his mind about asking you out. You know, a little.
Don't
- Play Hard to Get:
I'm not saying that you have to flop over backward for every guy. But there's been a lot of misinformation out there about how men love to chase women (which is true), and so women should become more “challenging” (which is… probably not true). The only problem with this is that there's a fine line between “playing hard to get” and “making him feel like a jerk for trying.” Again, be nice, be fun, and make him feel like you're happy he's there. - Drop “Hints”:
By this, all I mean is that you shouldn't assume that men have the slightest idea how to read your secret code. A woman wrote to me once complaining that her intended beau wasn't picking up on her hints. Know what the “hints” were? She mentioned one time that she wanted to see a certain movie, and then she pretty much ignored him. For six months. I'm not kidding. I defy Sherlock Holmes to find that clue.
*
As frustrating as it may be, you should never underestimate a man's total ineptitude at picking up on hints.
- Try to Be Somebody Else:
See, here's the downside of putting on an act to get someone to ask you out.
