Manslations (12 page)

Look, do you want a trick to get a man into your bed? How about this?

Do…anything.

There's your trick. And if, for some reason, that doesn't work, do anything else. (You must have accidentally picked the
one
thing that wouldn't work.)

You want a situation where you need a trick? Try to get a man to get
out
of your bed when he isn't ready to leave. For that, sure, you might want to have a couple of tricks. (Personally, I think that most men will respond very quickly to talking of marriage and children, or ripping a giant fart upon his leg. Your mileage may vary.)

Okay, all right. If you really must know, here is what this woman used to do to trick the men into bed. If she was out at a club, she would go out onto the dance floor and dance really sexy… (gasp!)… with a girlfriend of hers (double gasp!!!)! Girl-on-girl action! And the men came running.

Yes, yes, fine. Look, I am not trying to tell you that this wouldn't work. Works fine. It is working on me right now. So why am I saying that this is a bad thing?

Well, mostly because it betrays such a drastic misunderstanding of the “male mind regarding sex” that it needs to be addressed.

Misconception #1: There is a male mind regarding sex.

You are attempting to weave a magic spell in order to control something that does not exist. You are attempting to hypnotize and bewilder your target man's mind in order to confuse it, so you can sneak in under his radar and get to the sexy parts. There is no mind; there is no radar.

This is not like one of those movies where the good guys walk into an enemy base that appears to be unguarded, and the hero looks around and says, “I don't like it. This is too easy. It's too quiet around here. It's a trap.”

This is more like if a thief walked into some moron's unlocked apartment. With no front door. And a big sign that says, “My home will be left unattended for the next twelve hours. Please don't take anything.”

The ease with which you will bed men is not a trap, ladies. Men don't appear easy. We
are
easy. If all you want is to have sex with a man, the only danger will be that
he
won't believe
you
are that easy, and he'll think, “No, no, it's no good. It's… too easy. Must be something wrong. It's a trap. Talk to me, Goose.”

Misconception #2: This “trick” works, so it's a reasonable course of action.

Sure, it works, but how could she think that you have to go that far just to get a man in bed? Such a waste of time and effort. It would be as if you had something in your eye, and your “trick” for getting it out was to put a grenade in your eye. I'm sure that would work like a charm and get everything out of the eye. But maybe you can take a more subtle approach.

Then again, if you want to go through all of that, knock yourself out. We're happy to watch you skank it up with your girlfriends on the dance floor. I won't discourage you. Plus it will give all the guys who you do
not
go home with something to work with later on that night. (Remember how every man thinks about having sex with you? Yeah, this is where they get the ideas. And it probably will not be in ways that you would ever have authorized in real life.)

So since I am giving away the store here, let's talk about some actual “tricks” you can use to get a man to go to bed with you, shall we? I mean, let's say you are out at a club, and you want a guy to go home with you. What can you do?

Trick #1: Tell him that you want to have sex with him.

Works great. And you would be so surprised how grateful a man is when this happens. (Which is right on the verge of never, you know.) When a woman shows the courtesy to actually say to a man, “Hey, uh, I really want to have sex with you. Can we go do that?”—well, that's like Christmas morning.

Trick #2: Go back and read trick number one.

No, no, don't skip it. And when I say “tell him,” I really do mean
tell.
Don't make it “clear” by your “behavior.” You have no idea what you're talking about there. Not at all. You have no idea what is clear to us. Neither do we. But you know what is clear? Saying in words (or just going ahead and doing) what you want.

If you want to get a man into bed and are not sure how, you are going to have to understand this. Either he wants to be with you or he does not. If he does, no tricking is necessary. And if he does not… well, actually no, he probably does.

However
,
never assume we know what you are thinking. As we have repeatedly mentioned, we barely even know what we are thinking.

That's it. That's a first date. Now you know what men are thinking during this whole insane process, and more importantly, you know how little we know of what
you're
thinking. Will this help you make getting, planning, having, and ending a first date any less stressful? Mmm… probably not. But then again, that's one of the reasons we like going on first dates in the first place. They're nerve-wracking; nobody knows what anybody is thinking; and who knows if anybody is going to get naked? Fun!

Next, we'll take a look at what to do now—after that first date is over and you're back at your house flipping out.

__________________

CHAPTER 5

post-date debriefing and
aftermath, or sitting at home
freaking out

S
o you've had your first date with him and now you're home. Waiting. Wondering. Thinking. What's going to happen? Did he like me? Did I like him? Is he going to call? Do I want him to call? What's on TV right now? Oh cool, there's a special on the Illuminati and the Freemasons and conspiracy theories about…Okay, maybe that's just what I'm thinking.

What happens between the first date and whatever happens (or doesn't) next is one of the most confusing times for a woman. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that, since ancient times, the next step has always been the man's business. The woman's job has been to sit around and try not to chew her own arm off as she runs through a zillion possibilities of what the guy might be thinking.

Now, a lot of this has changed and continues to change. Women are more and more taking charge of the situation. But a lot of you out there still wait around and wonder what the hell is going on.

Okay, first step, take a deep breath and just relax. He will tell you EXACTLY how the date went for him very, very soon. Maybe not in so many words, but it's easy enough to read if you know what you're looking for.

Well, I come bearing good news. By the end of this chapter, you'll be armed with enough information to figure out exactly where he's at. And it's not nearly as complex as you think it is.

Let's look at the possibilities.

At the end of the date, he says, “I'll give you a call.”

Manslation: This does not mean anything.

When a man says, “Okay, that was fun—I'll give you a call sometime,” what he's saying is that the date is over. That's all. It doesn't mean that he's not going to call you any more than it means that he will. It means nothing at all. He's just making noises at this point.

I know, I know. I realize this is frustrating for you. Fear not. This phrase doesn't tell you squat, but something else will.

But for how long, damn you?! How long?!

One of the things I hear from women when he tells her he'll call is, “Well, how long am I supposed to sit around waiting for him to call? If he would just
tell
me that he's not going to call, then I wouldn't have to sit around for two weeks waiting!”

Well, lucky you—you
never
have to sit around for two weeks waiting. Ever. You don't even have to wait one week. You have to wait a couple of days. That's it. If you went out on Saturday and the guy doesn't call/email/text by Monday or at the very latest Tuesday, that means he didn't have that great of a time with you. There are remarkably few exceptions to this time frame, such as that he was:

Kidnapped by pirates and couldn't get to a phone


Hit over the head with a frozen turkey that fell out of a zeppelin and doesn't remember who he is


Buried alive in the family mausoleum and is still attempting to dig his way out

If he liked you, there are no great reasons why he would
not
have called within a couple days, max.

Does a text message count?

Great question, you words up there. What about text messaging—that slickest, quickest of communications methods that says, “Geez, I'd like to email, but I don't want to go all
formal
-
assed
up in here. Pff! Chillax, your
majesty.
” Does, for example, “c u soon,” really convey a commitment to further dating? On its own? I'd say that's generally a big “no.” I just don't think it's enough of a clue to go by. We need more here. And there isn't much less than a text.

A phone call, an email—these potentially involve punctuation, sentences, actual thoughts that require a brain; plus they take more than six seconds. (You there, stop laughing! I said “potentially,” didn't I?)

I do have this nagging voice in my mind saying, “Hey, Grandpa! Maybe it's a generational thing, Mr. Walked-Uphill-Both-Ways-in-the-Snow.”
^*

And who knows, maybe that's a fair point. Maybe for some folks, this counts as truly meaningful communication.

But here's what I wonder. Does a text message really show us enough to help us answer the second Big Question? Remember, what we're looking for here is effort on his part to get himself some more time with you. More
non-sex
time, I'm saying. I'm not saying that we absolutely need a vowel or two to answer that question, but it wouldn't hurt.

Hey, I know that texting can be a fun and immediate way to flirt or to let someone know you're thinking of them when you don't have time for more than that. I don't think texting is a bad sign, certainly. But on its own, it's just not enough of a good sign. And I'm not trying to tell you that a guy who texts after a date won't put in more effort later. But if texting is all he does, well, he could hardly put in less effort than that, could he?

At best, I'd call texting a “placeholder” while you're waiting for a real clue (i.e., a call, an email, a parchment carried by Pony Express, etc.)

This is a very common Google search that brings women to manslations.com: What happens when it goes fantastically well…but then he doesn't call?

Now, I know this never happened to you, of course. Just like I most certainly never told a woman I'd call and then didn't. This sort of thing just never happens to good people, right? Ahem. But let's say it happened to your “friend.” What do we make of this?

Okay, so we've got the classic male mixed signal, right? You went out; you had a great time; and then… nothing.

Now, if we apply the Golden Rule (if there's a conflict between what he
says
and
does,
ignore
says
), then we can just drop the “I'll give you a call,” right? We only need to look at the behavior. What are we left with?