March: A Tale of Salmon and Swedes (The Glothic Tales Book 4) (6 page)

Anyway, through their connections, and wealth, they act as a loose form of control over the entire planet. Somehow, they get things done, when things need doing.’

‘So they command respect.’

‘No, not at all, as no one knows about them, or that they even exist. Well, except for a very few people.’

‘You, and?’

‘And a very select handful of presidents and CEOs of some of the biggest multinational corporations on Earth, but no political leaders of any countries. Well, except one politician who is not exactly a leader, but we’ll talk about him later, as he is my contact here in London.’

‘Then these are the people I need to talk to about precious metals, salmon and caviar exports, and arranging arms imports from Gloth.’

‘Perhaps, but all in good time, March. I think you need more than your few short hours on Earth to understand the complexities of doing business here.’

‘Right,’ he said, a little dejected at her rebuke. He sipped his coffee, which tasted too sweet for his liking, and reached into his jacket pocket for his THE. He tapped,
Camera Stellata
.

No entries found.

Then he tried,
Star Chamber
.

No entries found.

He then entered,
money
, and a long text explaining the monetary value system on Earth appeared on his screen.

Money is a totally valueless commodity, which is nevertheless and strangely; insanely treasured by people who inhabit the planet Earth. They collect it with zeal and hoard it away in vast quantities: either under a mattress, or for those who worry a lot, in banks. Vast piles of the paper variety of money are stacked high in banks, which are considered among the most secure places on Earth. This habit is at odds with logic, as the paper is in fact absolutely worthless, until exchanged for goods or services. However, the only way to collect money is to provide goods or services. Wealth managers on Gloth have studied this system for many years, but cannot yet provide a logical explanation as to how it functions. They believe however, that the concept of using paper currency developed from Earth’s complete isolation from Gloth and its financial system, and therefore, had no knowledge of the EdErg Wealth Exchange. Due to this…..

‘Is that a new Apple, mate?’ a man’s voice over March’s shoulder asked, and quite startled him.

‘Uh, I’m sorry, I didn’t order any fruit with my coffee.’

*****

The EdErg Wealth Exchange is used throughout the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, apart from Earth that is, to complete financial transfers, transactions and credits between individuals, governing bodies, financial institutions and businesses. It goes without saying that the EdErg Wealth Exchange is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Glothic royal family, and therefore is one of their prime sources of wealth enhancement.

It operates on a simple basis in that value is measured by units of time, and these units have a floating exchange rate. Fluctuations in daily exchange rates are based on economic factors such as an individual planet’s gross domestic production and credit rating as well as the length of its year.

Under this system, all products and services are valued in denominations of Seconds, Minutes, Hours, Weeks, Months and Years. For multi-stellar corporation or government transactions, the Decade and Century denominations are often used. Transactions are made electronically via a Q’muniktor to ensure security, as well as fail-safe auditing. Every transaction though, is subject to a small fee, which while quite negligible, provides a never-ending stream of infinite income for Gloth and therefore, for the Gregorian royal family.

The EdErg index value is often reported in Glothic media by using the simplistically based Curdll meter. The Curdll is a warm afternoon drink popular in cafés on most planets, and at last report it had a mean value of twenty-two Minutes. Another more upmarket index uses a glass of Fozzoxly as its unit measure, which comes in at a value of eleven Years, four Months and two Weeks. Give or take a few Days.

In the days of salmon trade with Erde, before it was obliterated by its own inattentiveness to massive, rotting piles of thousands upon thousands of nuclear warheads, the Erdean dollar exchanged at around four EdErg Minutes. Before it destroyed itself, Erde sold a decent sized salmon to the Glothic Salmon Conglomerate for around ten Erdean dollars, or forty Minutes. On Gloth, the same salmon wholesaled at well over twenty-five Hours. This was the reason March had been sent to Earth. There were Decades, if not Centuries of profit to be made on Earth from salmon alone.

The only minor complication was that unlike Erde, there was no single base unit of currency on Earth, as each county had its own monetary system. But this was a problem for another day, as March had a lot of fish to fry before he could begin to think about salmon exports and settlement terms.

*****

The rain had cleared, and bright sunshine accompanied March and Tryskolia as they walked the streets of London following their coffee, and after an hour or more, and a quick wander through Hyde Park, they were back at the entry to Tryskolia’s apartment in time for lunch. March’s questions had lessened the further they had walked, and in their place were long silences, dotted with his occasional involuntary humming of choruses from
Waterloo and Chiquitita
.

‘I should give these back to you,’ he said, as they waited for the elevator.

‘No need, you can keep them, and oh, that reminds me. I have to give you your entitlement and your diplomatic passport,’ she said, as she saw the coins he was still clutching in his hand. March looked bemused. ‘Money. You’ll need a lot of it while you’re here, and the passport will keep you out of trouble – if you get into trouble.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Everything here costs money; so you will need a lot of it to buy the things you need and want. And the passport is a small book with all your details. Well, your fake earthy details that is, but it will prove that you are a diplomat from Lithuania and therefore protected by diplomatic immunity. Should you have any problem at all, you only need to show it, and…’

‘Oh, like our visiting diplomats from the Twelve Sun Systems to Gloth – they get away with anything!’

‘Exactly. They can park their car anywhere, get drunk in a restaurant and upend all the tables, insult a police officer and even run up huge debts, all without fear of any repercussions.’

‘Very useful.’

‘Oh, indeed.’

‘Um, can I ask you something?’ he asked, as the elevator took an age to arrive.

‘Sure.’

‘Do you think anyone in this Camera Stellata knows about Abba?’

‘I’m sure they all do.’

‘That’s very good, then.’

‘Why?’ Trys asked, as the elevator finally arrived and the doors opened.

‘I’m not sure yet. The days are very long here, aren’t they?’

‘Twice as long as on Gloth, yes,’ she replied, trying to keep up with the constantly changing topics of his questions.

‘So people don’t live as long here then?’

‘It depends how you look at it. In years, no, but in time, perhaps only moderately less than on Gloth.’

The doors opened to Tryskolia’s apartment and March stepped through, in pensive silence, and then stood quietly, as he tapped away at his Q’muniktor. He let out a sigh, that Trys took as a sign of defeat.

‘A problem?’

‘It doesn’t work.’

‘You need to set it to band one-seven-two point five-five and then do an iris and saliva verification before you validate with Glothic High Command to make your connection to your secure account at Glothcom. You’ll need to be patient, as there is a lag in reception time due to interference by the force field.’

March handed his Q’muniktor to Trys, admitting immediate defeat. ‘Ok, I’ll help you with it, but you’ll have to do the licking and looking,’ she said, laughing and heading toward the kitchen. ‘Lunch, March?’

‘Eh, ok,’ he grumbled, as he followed her, and then, when he arrived, slumped into a chair at her small kitchen table, as she prepared to make their meal. ‘How have you managed to stay on this odd planet for so long?’

‘You’ve been here less than a day. It’s not so bad really, once you get used to the people and their customs. They have a wonderful saying here; when in Rome, do as the Romans do.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘It means relax and enjoy your holiday,’ she said, giving him a smile across her shoulder.

March pushed his long blond hair back over his head with the fingers of both hands, and let out another defeated sigh, which Tryskolia heard, but decided to ignore, as she prepared some toasted sandwiches. She wasn’t sure yet about March, but knew that the first few days for a Glothian on Earth were always a little daunting, although in her own case, she couldn’t recall being uncomfortable at all when she first arrived. But then again, she had the benefit of having spent a number of years being posted as a junior deputy ambassador on Ultimatum Minor, a thriving second moon in the Third Sun System and then, after receiving a promotion, on to Escopisticon-Three, the outermost planet in the Eleventh Sun System, as Gloth’s ambassador. She also knew that the eldest sons of the Supreme Potentate tended to be a little sheltered and over-protected in their younger years, so she doubted that March had travelled so far before, and that this may also be the first time he had travelled alone.

‘There we go,’ she said, as she placed the plates on the table. ‘I'll make some tea soon. Nothing helps more than a nice cup of tea, and especially Earl Grey I have found. I’ll have to take a goodly supply with me when I finally decide to go back home to Gloth, because there is nothing like it there.’

‘Another product to add to my yet to be achieved export list then,’ he said, but without any enthusiasm.

‘Why not, indeed?’ Trys said, smiling and trying to boost March’s spirits.

March watched quietly as Trys bit into her sandwich, and then waited until he had finished his own mouthful. ‘Are there people on Earth who know of Gloth?’

‘Only seven, if I include you and me.’

‘And these other five?’

‘My two assistants, who are both from Gloth of course, and three senior members of the Camera Stellata – the president, the vice-president and the treasurer.’

‘And where are your assistants?’

‘One in Washington, and one in Moscow.’ March had a questioning look on his face. ‘Check THE for the importance of both cities later. I assure you, it will be a long read.’

March sipped his tea, thoughtfully. ‘I’d like to meet Abba.’

‘Well, that’s about as possible as arranging a meeting with the President of the United States, March. They are all very reclusive people now and as I understand, they don’t take kindly to overtures to meet people they don’t know. But there is a musical on in the West End you can go to see. It’s called Mamma Mia, and well, from what I’ve heard it’s quite entertaining.’

‘From what I have read, I believe Mr. Björn Ulvaeus seems to be their leader.’

‘I don’t know at all about that. I think you may be setting yourself a very unrealistic goal. And anyway, you have more important matters to concern yourself with. Salmon and caviar, isn’t it?’

‘And precious metals.’

‘Yes, that’s right. Best you concentrate on those I think, and perhaps a meeting with the vice-president of the Camera Stellata. I’m sure he would be very pleased to discuss trade opportunities with you.’

‘And not the president?’ March said, seemingly somewhat offended.

Catch Twenty-Two

Tryskolia thought dinner that evening at The Waldorf in Aldwych would help March experience a little of everyday upper class London life; perhaps along with Norwegian salmon tartare, French oysters and Iranian caviar, which would also help with his export research, so she called to book. March was lost in deep thought in the sitting room, digesting his lunch, as well as the history of the Erdean Salmon Conglomerate, now that his Q’muniktor was securely connected via Glothcom to the Glothic Treasury Archive. From there, he could access the Global And Regional Bilateral Agreements Granting Entries, which contained the complete historical record of import and export transactions between Erde and Gloth. While salmon was clearly the main export from Erde over millions of years, he found the records pertaining to arms technology imports of more interest. In value, they marginally exceeded Erde’s total export revenue. By comparison, since the Erdean relocation to Earth, these technology imports had fallen to almost nothing.

He made some notes as he read and cross-referenced, which helped him clarify his thinking. While the ancient force field remained in place, without viable entry ports, Glothic export of military technology could only be delivered in very limited quantity to Earth, as payment in kind for salmon and other imported produce from Earth. The fact that Earth was not able to pay via the EdErg Wealth Exchange was also another handicap. Yet to convince his father to finance these entry ports, he needed to be able to find a way to generate huge profits from Earth exports, which would be next to impossible to deliver to Gloth in the tonnage required to generate enough income, without new entry and exit ports in the force field. By his calculations, using the current shuttle transport, which could carry a payload of less than half a tonne, the maximum export potential was only around ten months by the EdErg index. Not even enough for one tenth of a small glass of Fozzoxly, let alone two entry ports. To make enough profit, he noted that he of course first needed to secure enough reliable supply of products, but also to have the availability of access ports for a fleet of fifty thousand tonne cargo shuttles.