Mark My Words (11 page)

I never thought a simple trip to the grocery would be my undoing. But it was.

The errand was unavoidable. I’d been putting it off for days living off of mac and cheese and frozen dinners. But even those were gone now, and I was pretty sure I couldn’t drum up a meal with the ketchup, butter and soda sitting at the back of my fridge.

Growing up we didn’t always have a lot of money. Ray worked odd, manual labor jobs, and Mom stayed at home. But she made the food stretch, often whipping up meals with whatever food she could find in the fridge. However, I was certain even she couldn’t have made anything with what I had.

Therefore, I sucked it up and headed to the store. It was nighttime, and the air was dark and cool. It smelled like damp asphalt as I made my way through the parking lot, my head down since I walked against the wind. It whisked over my head, causing my hair to lift from my scalp. Leaves skittered on the ground as if they’d come to life, sprouted feet. Headlights from passing cars painted my body, and their tires kicked up water from nearby puddles. It had been raining earlier, but now the rain had stopped, leaving a gentle mist in the sky.

Shivering, I hurried forward. The cart I grabbed was slick and wet, and it took a couple of tries before my fingers successfully gripped the handle. When I got inside, I was momentarily blinded by the fluorescent lighting. I hated fluorescent lights. They made me dizzy.

As I rounded the corner, the produce section coming into view, my front wheel started squeaking.
Of course. Just my luck.
Shaking my head, I blew out a breath.

I didn’t have a list. I never did. Usually, I threw in things that sounded good. Mostly, cheap, easy meals. Frozen food, boxed pasta or rice dishes. Rarely did I venture into the produce section, but today I found myself wandering over to it. As I passed the lettuce, the spigot above it turned on, spraying the vegetables with water.

Lennie knew a lot about nutrition. She was careful with what she ate, choosing fresh vegetables and fruits, organic meats over processed foods. We’d had discussions about it, and she’d even teased me about what she called “my bachelor diet.” I knew that she needed to be mindful of what she ate because of the cancer, but I suspected she’d been a healthy eater even before getting sick. Even when we were teenagers she ate salads in the cafeteria. And, from what I’d gleaned in our conversations, she’d always been a person who enjoyed the outdoors – hiking and bicycling.

I could stand to care a little more about my health. Let’s face it, I wasn’t getting any younger. Besides, lately I’d been self-conscious about my body. I think it had to do with the fact that Lennie was pulling away. I was sure it had nothing to do with that night at my house, but I couldn’t help but worry that she’d changed her mind about me after feeling up my less than stellar chest. After dating guys who were buff and fit, I must have been a disappointment.

Above the vegetables, were pre-packaged salads. I grabbed a couple of them and threw them into my cart. It’s not that I was naïve enough to think that eating a couple of salads would transform my body from lanky to muscular. But it couldn’t hurt.

Leaving the produce area, I headed down the aisles I was familiar with. Rows of boxed meals, organized neatly on the shelves. I found comfort in the order of them. Some song that was popular back when I was in high school came on, and visions of the old Lennie filled my mind. Lost in my daydream, I slowly pushed my cart down the aisle.

It was when I was reaching for a box of macaroni and cheese that I first saw him. He stood a few feet in front of me tossing a bag of rice into a nearby cart. Then he scanned the shelf as if searching for something else. I’d never met the guy, but I knew instantly who he was. With the amount of time I’d spent studying his pictures, it felt like I did know him. That was why my face flushed the minute his head swiveled in my direction. I imagined that he knew who I was. That he knew I’d stalked his Facebook and Instagram account. That I’d coveted his life.

But he didn’t even notice me. His gaze slid past me as he continued looking for something on the shelf. I started to wonder if I was invisible when he mumbled an “excuse me.” I moved out of his way, clutching the box of macaroni and cheese in my hand.

What was Rob doing here?
Not just here in this store, but here in this city.

Glancing over at his cart, my stomach knotted. Fruits and veggies filled the space. It looked exactly the way I’d imagine Lennie’s cart to look if she were in this store.

Were these groceries for her? My whole body went hot.

He found what he was looking for and closed his fist around it. Before he could turn around and spot me gawking at him, I spun the other direction and pretended to be shopping. Behind me I heard the shuffle of his shoes on the slick linoleum, the sound of the box as he tossed it into his basket. Then I listened as he pushed his cart away from me. I noticed that his wheels worked fine. It seemed fitting. Guys like him lived a charmed existence.

At that point, I should’ve left. I had enough food in my basket to tide me over for at least a few days. But my curiosity got the better of me. I had to know what he was doing here. More importantly, I had to know if he was with her.

So I followed him. I stayed a safe distance so I wouldn’t arouse suspicion. He only bought a few more items, but I took note of them. Tried to analyze if I thought they were for Lennie or not. In the end, I didn’t know.

By the time he went to pay, I realized how silly this whole thing was. I didn’t need to follow him around to know why he was here.

He lived in Southern California, and yet he was shopping in a grocery store in San Francisco. There could only be one reason for this.
Lennie.
Finally giving up, I paid for my groceries and headed outside.

It was raining again, so I stopped under the awning to put down my hood. Raindrops pelted the awning above me, so loud it sounded like a herd of cattle stomping around. Large, black clouds rolled overhead, dark and ominous. Rob stepped out of the store and stopped next to me. I had assumed he was also putting on his hood, but I was wrong.

Instead, he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. Faintly I could hear a song playing. It was one I’d heard before, but couldn’t place. Probably a popular one they played on the radio a lot. I never knew those. He pushed a button on the screen and pressed the phone to his ear.

“Hey, baby,” he said, and I froze, holding my breath. “Yep, I’m leaving right now.” When he paused, I pretended to be cinching my hood. Then I fished around for my keys as if I was busy preparing myself for walking into the storm. But really I was eavesdropping. “I know. It’s really coming down. But I’ll be there shortly.” Another pause. “Okay. See ya soon, Lennie.”

That was it. The final nail in the coffin.

Subtly, I peered over at him. He still hadn’t noticed me, but that was okay. He’d notice me soon enough.

That night I dreamt of Sarah. Of her long, almost white hair. Of her slender fingers and dainty wrists. Of the soft spot on the back of her neck and that one blue eye that always seemed to stare at me. She called me, beckoning me over. But when I reached her she morphed before my eyes, changing like the reflection in a funhouse mirror. Tears raked down her face, her hair was matted with blood. When she opened her mouth, it stretched in a grotesque way. Daggers in the form of accusations shot from her mouth, pierced my soul.

I awoke in a cold sweat, my pulse pounding beneath my dampened flesh. Sitting upright, I took large gulps of air as if I’d been drowning, held under water for a lengthy period of time. As if I couldn’t get enough. My sheets slipped from my upper body, gathered around my waist. The curtains were open, and I stared out at the night sky. My gaze found the moon. Tonight it was full, and I shivered.

Full moons made me nervous.

I imagined men all over the city transforming into werewolves. Docile men who wore suits and carried briefcases shed their clothes, sprouted hair and fanged teeth. Men who were unassuming, who were picked on and bullied became savage beasts. Wolves who preyed on the unsuspecting. Who roamed the city hiding in the shadows and waiting for the perfect moment to strike. They would be taken seriously now. Not the same way as when they were in human form.

When I was a kid, I swore that I saw them crouched behind buildings, their silver eyes shining in the moonlight as they bared their sharp teeth.

Reaching forward, I swiftly closed the curtains, covering the window. Darkness enveloped me, but I felt safer. Sliding down in my bed, it creaked beneath me. Lying my head back on the pillow, I sighed, knowing I’d never fall back to sleep tonight. It would be too hard. I’d already struggled at the beginning of the night, thoughts of Lennie and her ex swirling through my brain. But now that Sarah was in the mix, there was no way I could silence my racing thoughts.

Lennie had asked me about Sarah recently. It was one of the times she showed up at the coffee shop to thank me for leaving a book. We were discussing the story when she looked at me with those large, unblinking eyes and said, “Colin, have you ever been in love?”

I was taken aback by the question, and it took me several minutes to answer. Mostly because I knew I couldn’t be completely honest. I think I fell in love with Lennie the first time I saw her. But I couldn’t say that. Not just because it would scare her away. Mostly because it was corny and cliché. I may not have been a big muscle-bound guy, but I was intelligent, and I liked to think that was one of the main reasons Lennie was drawn to me. I wouldn’t screw that up by saying something that made me seem immature and naïve. So instead I blurted out, “Yes. Once. Her name was Sarah.”

“And how did you meet?” Lennie’s elbow was propped up on the table. She leaned her chin into her hand, raised one eyebrow.

Since I was so happy that Lennie was here with me and interested in what I had to say, I didn’t stop to think about the ramifications of continuing on with this conversation. “In college.”

“What happened?”

In a flash, everything hit me. The details. The memories.

The truth.

And I froze. I never should’ve brought Sarah up. I wasn’t supposed to. Lennie had successfully broken down my defenses, but this was one area I couldn’t afford to be vulnerable. This was something I had to take to my grave.

Feeling like an idiot, I shook my head. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

She nodded with understanding. “That’s okay. Some break-ups are really hard. I get that.”

Looking back, I should have known Rob was back in the picture. Every time she mentioned him it was clear she was devastated over the break-up. It was also obvious that she wasn’t over him. Not only that, but she had been trying to tell me something over dinner. Now I was pretty sure I knew that that something was. Subconsciously, I think I knew at the time. It was why it scared me. Why I tried to avoid it.

Now that I’d seen him, there was no way to keep on living in denial.

I was starting to think I was literally invisible. It was the superpower I’d wished for the most as a kid. But I never actually thought it would happen.

Two days after seeing Rob in the grocery store, Lennie came to the coffee shop. I was seated at my usual table, laptop open, a cup of steaming coffee sitting near my left elbow. But she didn’t acknowledge me. She simply swept past heading to the counter and ordering her usual vanilla latte. I sat back in my seat watching her through my unruly hair. It had been months since I’d cut it, and it now hung all the way to my ears. When I bent forward, it fell over my face like a curtain. My parents had been giving me hell about it for weeks. Maybe that was why I hadn’t fixed it, but today I felt stupid for the tiny act of rebellion.

I mean, no wonder Lennie went back to her ex. I looked like a homeless person. Pretty soon Lennie would be saving me her pastries.

She stood against the back wall waiting for her coffee, bouncing her leg the way she did often. I expected her to scan the shop, to search for me. It’s not like she didn’t know I was here. I was always here, and she knew it. But her gaze never left the pick-up counter. It was like her eyes were supernaturally glued to it. When they called out her name, she headed to the counter and snatched up her coffee.

I had a strange sense of déjà vu as she hurried toward the glass doors as if she had every intention of leaving without speaking to me at all.

Anger rose in my belly. It was one thing for her to choose him over me, but it was another to ignore me. Were we back in high school?

Before she could leave, I stood abruptly. Too abruptly. My table teetered, my coffee almost falling over. Reaching out, I grabbed it just in time, but my back hit my chair, sending it to the ground. It clattered loudly. At first I was embarrassed, but when Lennie whirled around I was grateful for the mistake.

Our eyes met. My body stilled. I scarcely breathed, waiting for her to say something. Anything. But she didn’t. She glanced down at the offending chair, then back at my table, as if making sure all was well. Reaching down, I yanked my chair back up, but kept my eyes on hers.

She seemed to stare right through me as if I was a ghost.

As if she had no idea who I was.

It chilled me to the bone.

“Lennie?” I finally croaked, my entire body feeling like a block of ice.

She cocked her head to the side, narrowing her eyes. “Oh, hi Colin,” she said, as if noticing me for the first time.

“Are you all right?” I asked, concern taking root in the pit of my stomach. What was wrong with her?

“Yeah.” Nodding, she walked toward me. With her free hand she reached up and touched her temple. “I have a little headache, but I’m hoping this will help.” She held up the white paper cup.

Warning bells went off in my head.

Her gaze flickered to my laptop. “You working?”

I nodded.

“I hope it’s going well,” she said in a formal way.

Was this the way things were going to be between us now? And was she just going to sweep what we had under the rug? End it without coming clean?

She looked at me, confusion clouding her face. “You okay? You seem upset.”

I almost laughed out loud, but I held it in. Instead I said, “I know Rob’s here.”

She recoiled. “How?”

“I saw him at the grocery store a couple of nights ago.”

Pink appeared on her cheeks. “How did you even know it was him? You’ve never met.”

“I’ve seen his picture…on your Facebook page.”

“Oh.” She bit her lip, her gaze darting around. Not that she had anything to worry about. No one was listening. Everyone was in their own world, chatting on their phones, texting, typing on laptops, waiting for the coffees. “Right. Facebook.” Her tone held a sour note, and I understood completely. It seemed she had the same affinity for social media that I had.

“Are you guys back together or something?”

She pressed her lips together, as if choosing her next words carefully. I liked that about her. How she didn’t blurt out the first thing she thought. Most girls did. That had been one of Sarah’s problems anyway. “Um…I don’t know.” A strand of hair slipped into her face, and she brushed it back. “Him coming here was unexpected. I didn’t invite him. He just showed up. Said he missed me.”

“And did you miss him?” I had to know.

“Yeah, I guess I did,” she said softly. “You have to understand. We were together a long time. We lived together, we made plans for the future.”

“And then when things got tough, he left you.”

“I know.” She frowned. “I don’t know how to explain this to you, Colin. Rob and I have a connection.”

And we don’t?
It’s what I wanted to say, but I didn’t. I didn’t dare. Rule of thumb is to only ask questions that you know the answer to.

“I guess I have a lot of thinking to do,” she continued.

Swallowing hard, I nodded.

She shifted from one foot to the other. “Um…I need to get going.” She pointed over her shoulder using her thumb.

“Appointment?”

“Uh-huh.”

I wanted to offer to go with her, but I wasn’t sure I could take the rejection now. Besides, even if she said yes, I was pretty sure I’d never be able to brave the hospital. Clearing my throat, I offered up the most encouraging “Good luck” I could muster.

“Thanks.” Her gaze lifted to mine briefly. “We’ll talk later.”

“Yeah.” I sat down, returning my attention to the word document up on my laptop. There was no way I could watch her walk away. It would be too difficult.