Mark My Words (12 page)

When I was eight years old, Ray left me alone at a gas station. Mom was out of town visiting her aunt who was ill. It was the only time she left my sister and me overnight. Ray took us out to dinner and on the way home had to stop for gas. I had drank way too much soda at the restaurant and couldn’t hold it any longer. So while Ray pumped gas, I told Amelia I was going inside to use the restroom. After getting the key from the cashier, I trekked around the back of the gas station to use the small, dirty bathroom. The light kept flickering, giving the illusion that it would go out at any minute. I remember feeling scared, and I scolded myself for being a baby.

After returning the key, I headed out the glass door. It dinged as I pushed it open. When my gaze landed on the empty spot where Ray had parked at the pump, my stomach dropped. I scoured the gas station, certain they were still here somewhere. But after another minute of looking, it was clear that they had left. I didn’t understand. Hadn’t Amelia told him where I went? Thinking about how mean Amelia had been earlier this evening, I wondered why I had trusted her at all. We’d been fighting all night. She probably thought this was funny. Most likely she was sitting in the backseat laughing to herself at this very moment.

But I knew Amelia. She’d feel guilty and then tell Ray what happened. And even if she didn’t, I was sure that Ray would notice my absence at some point. Amelia and I were both sitting in the backseat together, but Ray would have to look back there, wouldn’t he? Or at the very least, he’d notice I was gone when they got home. And we didn’t live that far away.

So I sat on the curb and waited.

I fought against the fear that crept up in my throat by reciting stories in my head. Too bad I’d been reading Brother’s Grimm Fairytales lately, so all the stories I remembered were scary. However, there was one about a boy who didn’t know how to shudder, and I told myself that one over and over, praying that I could be like him. A boy who wasn’t afraid.

But as the minutes passed and Ray still hadn’t returned, fear spread throughout my body like an infectious disease. It poisoned my blood, sank deep into my bones. I’d given up hope of ever being picked up when a truck pulled into the station. An older gentleman got out. When he spotted me, he made his way over.

“You okay, son?” he asked.

I told myself to keep it together, but it was a losing battle. Tears slid down my cheeks, and my lips trembled.

“You need some help?” He bent down until he was at my level.

Mom had always told me not to talk to strangers, but this man seemed harmless, kind even. It was something in his eyes. Something I instinctively trusted. So I nodded. “I need to get home.”

Without batting an eye, the man offered to take me home. As he hoisted me up into his truck, I felt no fear at all.

If I had known what was about to happen, I would’ve been more scared than ever before. When I think back on that moment, I want to warn that little boy. I want to shake some sense into him. I want to take him by the hand and steer him far away from that truck.

But hindsight is always twenty-twenty. And in this life, we don’t get do-overs.

I wasn’t expecting her. Not after our last conversation. I felt like she made her position pretty clear. In fact, I’d been imagining her traipsing around town with her burly boyfriend. And I kept trying to tell myself I was happy for her. That all I wanted was for Lennie to be happy, loved. But that was a lie. It wasn’t all I wanted.

As selfless as I pretended to be, deep down I was selfish. I was still that scared little boy sitting in front of the gas station. The one that was terrified of being alone. Of being left.

That’s why I was shocked when she showed up at my front door the night after our talk in the coffee shop.

“Can I come in?” She asked, her gaze not quite meeting mine.

Nodding, I moved out of the way to let her pass.

She walked inside, much like the last time, looking frail, unsure, a little timid. “I’m sorry about how I acted yesterday,” she started, still not looking directly at me. Her gaze shot around the room as if it was a fly that was afraid to land. “I…um…I guess I wasn’t really ready to talk to you about everything. I felt confused, and…I don’t know.” She paused, breathing deeply. “I’ve really enjoyed our time together, and I didn’t know if I was ready for it to end. But I also love Rob. We’ve been together a long time. And we’ve been through a lot.”

It was obvious where she was going with this, so I steeled myself.

Her gaze bounced to mine. She looked at me head on for the first time since walking inside. “But you’re right. He wasn’t there for me when I needed him most. You were.” She stepped forward, bridging the gap between us. “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t upfront with you from the beginning. That I didn’t tell you he was here. I understand if you’re upset with me.”

“Where is he now?” I interrupted her.

“Gone. He went home this morning.”

The floor flew out from beneath me. “Does this mean?” It seemed too good to be true. “That you…well…you’re choosing me?”

“If you’ll have me. I mean, I know I’ve been acting strange and--”

Curving my hand around her cheek, I drew her to me and stamped my mouth over hers, silencing her words. I didn’t need to hear anymore. She had chosen me. That was all that mattered. I kissed her hard. Harder than I ever had before. But she didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she responded with the same amount of vigor. Her hands slid up my spine, tangled in the ends of my frayed hair. I brought my other hand up to frame her face and deepened the kiss. Our tongues engaged in a sensual dance, their moves manic and desperate. We kissed until my lips were swollen, until I felt dizzy. Then we disengaged, our foreheads falling together. Our breathing was loud and labored as it mingled together.

“I’m sorry about everything,” she finally said.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” I told her firmly. “I understand why you were conflicted. I even understand why you didn’t tell me.” I picked my head up off her sweaty forehead. “All I care about is that you’re here. I only want to be with you, Lennie. That’s all that matters to me. Don’t you know that by now?”

“Colin, I have some good news,” Amelia practically shouted into the phone.

Wincing, I drew it away from my ear. I figured it was something important. She’d called multiple times in the last few days. I finally called her back today because Mom told me too. Apparently Amelia was never too old to tell on me.

“What is it?” I asked.

“I’m pregnant.”

“Again?” I knew it was the wrong thing to say the minute the word left my mouth, but it was too late to shove it back in.

“People are known to have more than one kid.” Amelia spoke in an exasperated tone. “Mom and Dad did.”

“Right. Well, congratulations,” I said, wishing I’d started with that.

“Thanks. Remember when I thought I had the flu last month? Well, apparently it wasn’t the flu. It was morning sickness.”

Amelia’s flu. How could I forget? It was all Mom talked about for weeks. “Ah, that makes sense.”

“Yeah, but I’m so glad about the way it turned out. Chris and I are really excited. I’m hoping for a girl this time.”

I could see Amelia with a girl. It would suit her. “Okay….um…well…I hope that’s what you get,” I stammered. Was that something you should hope for? I honestly thought you were just supposed to wish for a healthy child. I mean, it’s not like you could control what sex your child would be.

“So, how are you?” The change in her tone made me uneasy.

I had assumed she would hang up after telling me her news, but clearly I wasn’t that lucky. “I’m fine.”

“Book’s coming along well?”

“Yep.”

“How have you been feeling?”

I froze, my limbs going numb.  It was a question she hadn’t asked me in a long time. “Why the sudden interest in my health?”

“I’m your sister. I just want to make sure you’re doing okay.”

“Mom put you up to this?”

“No, she didn’t put me up to this. But Mom and Ray are both concerned about you, Colin.”

“They don’t need to be.” I sat forward on the couch, dropping my head into my hands.

“Well, they are. We all are.”

“There’s no reason for it.”

“So you’re taking care of yourself then? Seeing a doctor and everything?”

My skin crawled at the suggestion. “I don’t need to see a doctor. I said I’m fine.”

“Colin, you know you need to take this seriously. Your health is important.”

I snorted at the ridiculousness of this. “Since when do you care about my well-being?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Man, she had the victim act down. She had since we were kids. Mom and Ray may have fallen for it, but I certainly didn’t. “Where was all this concern the night you let Ray leave me at the gas station?”

“What?” She paused. “You mean when we were kids? God, that was ages ago. I had completely forgotten about that.”

Must be nice
. That night destroyed me. I’d never forget it. “Of course, because you weren’t the one left.”

“Oh, c’mon. It was just a prank. You made it home fine.”

I made it home, but I was far from fine. “It was a dick move, Amelia.”

She huffed into the phone. “I hate how you do this. You always want to bring up the things in my past, but god forbid anyone mention Sarah.”

“Watch it, Amelia,” I hissed. A door slammed above my head, loud voices following it.
Great.
The neighbors were at it again.

“See,” she pointed out smugly. “No one can even utter her name, but you bring up our past sins all the time.” She paused, her breathing filling the line. “God, I don’t want to fight with you, Colin. That’s not why I called. I just wanted to let you know that you’re going to be an uncle again. That was it.”

It felt weird to use the title “Uncle.” Wasn’t an Uncle someone who babysat and took the kid out to the park, taught him to play ball? I’d only met her kid a couple of times. The first time Amelia shoved his infant form into my arms I had stared down at his large head and unblinking eyes and thought that he looked like an alien. Within seconds he started screaming bloody murder, so I hurriedly gave him to my sister. The second time I’d seen him was during their Christmas visit. He’d watched me warily from across the room. I think I said like two words to him.

“I’m happy for you, Amelia,” I finally said, figuring that was the response she was hoping for.

“Thanks,” she said. “You, of all people, know how much I’ve always wanted a big family.”

Did I know that? I guess I did remember her babbling on about having a lot of kids. Then again, Amelia was always rambling about something. I wondered if Lennie had dreamt of having children. If she’d fantasized about having a big family. It seemed like girls thought more about that kind of stuff than guys did.

So that’s why I asked Lennie about it later that afternoon. It was an unseasonably warm day. The sky was a cloudless blue, the sun shining down. After days of rain and wind, it was nice. I took Lennie out to the park. We sat on a blanket over the grass, allowing sunshine to wash over us.

“Of course,” she responded. “I think every girl dreams of being a mom. It’s like what we’re supposed to grow up to be.” A wistful look passed over her face. Resting back on her elbows, she stared up at the sky. “I used to fantasize about having a little girl. I could paint her nails and braid her hair.” Her lips curled upward a bit. “It would’ve been nice.”

I placed my hand over hers. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I never should’ve asked you about that.”
I’d been curious, but now it felt insensitive.

Leaning over, she nudged me with her shoulder. “Nah. I like that you ask me what you’re thinking. That you don’t always worry about saying the wrong thing. Most people do. They spend so much time worrying about what to say that they hardly say anything at all to me. It gets kind of lonely. Besides, I don’t want to be treated like a fragile piece of glass. Like I’m going to break at any minute. I may have been like that when I was first diagnosed, but now I’m stronger. A lot stronger than people think.”

“I know you are.”

Smiling, she dropped her head onto my shoulder. Her hair tumbled down my arm. It felt good. Holding my breath, I didn’t move a muscle. It was one of those moments I wanted to capture. If I could make time stand still, I would do it now. With Lennie, times like this were fleeting. Therefore, I wanted to savor every second. I squeezed her fingers and lowered my cheek until it brushed against her head. Her fruity scent spun around me, the warmth of her body penetrating mine. A bird circled in the air as if it was a vulture who mistook us for a dead carcass. Further down on the grass, a kid and his dad flew a kite. Its bright colors flipped around in the breeze, painting the sky. A dog ran ahead of its owner, while another couple sat under a tree a few feet away, cuddling. Even though there were others out here, it was peaceful. Besides, my attention was solely focused on Lennie.

Her words knocked around inside my head. The ones about her being stronger than people thought. I wondered if the same could be said about me. Would my family be surprised if they saw me here with Lennie? If they knew how much I’d been helping her? That I’d been her shoulder to cry on, the person who held her up when she couldn’t stand. I knew they all thought I was weak. That I was spineless, a coward. But I’d endured more than they knew.

Not that I’d ever get credit for it. But maybe that was okay. Perhaps being what Lennie needed was enough. Maybe this was some sort of penance.

Either way, I wouldn’t take it for granted.

“What are you thinking about?” I’d been so lost in my own thoughts I hadn’t even noticed Lennie had sat up and that she was staring directly at me. “You look so serious.”

“I was just thinking about how brave you are.”

Color spilled across her cheeks. “Really?”

“Really.” I nodded.

“I don’t know if it’s really bravery.  I mean, this just happened to me, and I have to deal with it. You’d do the same thing in my situation.”

I wanted to tell her then. To tell her that I knew what she was going through. To tell her the truth about me, but I couldn’t. I knew it would feel good to get the words out, to finally talk about it, to get it out in the open and off my chest. But I’d been holding it in for so long, living in blissful denial, and I didn’t know if I was ready for that to end. “No,” I finally said. “Trust me. I wouldn’t deal with it as well as you are.”

“That’s very kind of you to say.”

If only she knew how untrue that was. Kind is the last word anyone would use to describe me.