Mastering Multiple Position Sex (31 page)

Brava! Bravo!

Quickies can happen between complete strangers, committed partners, and everyone in between. And like the jingle that you can’t forget, a quickie serves as a relationship memento. So when you’re composing your own sexual medley, make sure to sprinkle lots of one-hit-wonders among your time-honored standards.

11
^th
Movement
Playing First Chair: Get Off That Bed and Onto the Furniture

The competition for orchestra members to reach first chair is daunting, and so is getting sexually active people into other rooms of the house. The bathroom, because of the shower, is an easy transition, but who’s up for making love on a toilet or a bidet? Imagine that your house is a sex-furniture showroom, and you get to test drive everything: the weight bench (a common porn feature), two bar stools (one under each of her legs for a sling effect), and the famous washing machine (why else would there be extra rinse and spin cycles?).

11
^th
Movement

POSITION 1

POSITION 2

POSITION 3

CRESCENDO

This Chapter’s Positions and Their Degrees of Difficulty:

XX
XXX
  
POSITION 1
: Rock-a-Bye Baby

X
XXXX
  
POSITION 2
: Transition

XXX
XX
  
POSITION 3
: Muffett’s Tuffett

With different colors, textures, and sizes, furniture offers unparalleled options to provide you with a well-appointed pleasure palace. A narrow chaise would be suitable for straddling, or a soft, cushiony beanbag chair lends itself to great sex for bad backs, and the Swiss exercise ball—with a duct-taped dildo—could lure you into your home gym more often.

Finally, the “sex souvenir factor” comes into play when you involve furniture and other rooms of the house. As you walk through your house, it becomes an erotic museum of memories that you can recollect like a XXX game of Clue. “The sexy husband … in the billiard room … with a cue stick … by himself.”

Setting the Stage

In some homes you’ll find antique barber chairs, indoor hammocks, piano stools, and even a massage table, but most everyone has one or both of the following: a chair and an ottoman. If you don’t have an ottoman, look around for something that is lower to the ground than a bed, and that a person could straddle with little or no effort. Looking around my room, I see an antique 4' × 2' × 2' (120 × 60 × 60 cm) carpenter’s trunk—handsome, solid, and uncomfortable—which can easily be remedied with—you guessed it—pillows covered in towels.

Infuse the space with warmth and romance: Candles express romance, as does music, something nice to sip, and maybe blankets, bathrobes, slippers, and towels, just in case you fall asleep in each other’s arms and would rather not trek back to the bedroom—or, more likely, when somebody comes to your door wanting to hand you a religious tract and you are covered in sweat and whipped cream. Trust me … it happens.

If you have a chair and ottoman, position them close enough together so that you can easily transition from one to the other; you want to maintain all that luscious, juicy genital blood flow and to keep both parties’ interests—and genitals—up.

I prefer armless rocking chairs, but a chair with low arms works well too. Long before you have sex in it, test the chair for sturdiness and comfort. If you feel that it might cause friction or pain, grab pillows, blankets, and towels for extra padding to make the chair comfortable for both of you. And if the ottoman feels stiff or uncomfortable, soften it up with a quilt or throw.

“Even the Oriental rug that sits in front of your fireplace could be a magic carpet ready to transport you to the land of Multiorgasmia.”

“If a piece of furniture sits on wheels, make sure the wheels are locked so you don’t find yourselves gliding across the den and into something—such as the rest of the dinner party taking place on the other side of the door.”

Warm-Up

Because living rooms and dens, where you would find the furniture used in the following positions, are the chosen conversation spots in a home, your sexplay assignment is to see how wet you can make each other by using your mouth for two things: kissing and talking.

Before you begin, however, you have one other task: a scavenger hunt during which each of you has sixty seconds to grab a non-sexual object (no dildos, vibrators, nipple clamps, etc.) and return to the room with it. Clothing is optional: You can have this conversation dressed—so you can strip later—or in the nude.

When you sit down with the object you’ve chosen, imagine and describe all the sexual things you could do to your partner with that object that do not involve penetration. Then it’s your turn to listen to what your partner says about his or her object. Then he can discuss her object and vice versa. For example, I was handed a red candle once, and I said I would go vaginal spelunking.

This exercise can help you understand that you can connect to your partner in a loving, imaginative, creative way—a way of bringing the playful into the physical. At the end of the activity, you can go one step further and put a few ideas into action. For instance, perhaps your partner picked out a plastic bus and said that it was a YOU tour bus. It traveled your body and showed tourists all the wonderful things about you. You could say, “Show me where the toy bus would stop at all the points of interest on my body and tell me what the guide would say at each stop.” Remember: There is no penetration allowed. You have to let your mind make you wet.

After you have tried several of these exercises, you will probably be so wet or laughing in a way that makes you feel close and attracted to the person across from you, that the sex that follows will seem as easy as rocking in a chair.

POSITION 1

POSITION 1:
Rock-a-Bye Baby

Armless rocking chairs are best, but if yours has arms, it will also serve you well; it merely changes some of the logistics. And while it’s true that any chair that can support the combined weight of two people will work here because the rocking motion can be generated by the two passengers, the advantage of a rocking chair is that it doesn’t scream, “Get on me and let’s screw!” Instead, it sits in the corner and whispers, “Let’s make love.”

Sit in the chair, making sure it is covered in soft blankets, sheets, or towels.

If the chair has no arms, straddle it (and your partner) and slide down his body, as your moist and waiting vulva envelops his penis.
   If the chair has arms, you have many options. You can place your legs over the arms and lower yourself that way. Or, if you fit, try sliding your legs under the arms, and drape them down the side. You could also, because the seat is now padded with blankets or towels, put your knees in the seat just outside his thighs and engage him that way, though the level of penetration would focus more on your first third than the inner two-thirds.