Matilda Wren (24 page)

The involuntary convulsion, fuelled with repulsion, was as pungently evident when his clumsy hands cupped around the soft formed mounds of flesh.

He pressed himself against her as he held onto her breasts; they felt like they were a separate entity. A nauseating sensation swarmed her entire body, as he gently flicked her nipples with his thumb. His mouth, finally giving hers a reprieve, worked its way down her neck nibbling a little firmer the more aroused he became.

She could feel how much he wanted her, that it was her that caused him to put himself inside her and shoot that burning liquid high up between her legs.

She made him want it, need it. She knew it was all her fault. She feebly tried to push him away but his grip on her just tightened, forcing her back a few steps until she hit the island that stood in the middle of the kitchen.

Putting her hands down instinctively on the surface edge to regain her balance, allowed James to rip off her shirt in an easy one handed movement.

“James…” She murmured, squirming against his hold.

“James… please…”

He pulled away from her slightly, only enough so he could look at her face. She looked confused and unsure. Her youthful and inexperienced appearance drove him crazy.

Nuzzling back into her neck, his teeth sunk into the smooth suppleness, his hand finding her breast again. The other hand delved down into her pyjama bottoms and slipped a finger inside her.

As much as she physically convulsed and shuddered against him, she was always surprisingly moist whenever he managed to get this far. Surely her half hearted attempts to stop him were false indicators that she didn’t want him?

Slowly sliding his finger in and out resulted in her becoming wetter, but she still showed no reaction that resembled pleasure.

He purred in her ear. Jane, not really registering what he said, had gone to the place far back in the depths of her head; a place where she was somebody else, somebody normal. Where the things he was doing to her felt normal, because no matter how hard she tried to force it to happen, she couldn’t and would never enjoy the feel of him touching her. She let him because she knew he wasn’t to blame. Why should he be punished, for something he had no idea about?

Her body was just reacting to the stimulus James provided.

Her mind had gone somewhere else the second he had kissed her. It always did, no matter how hard she tried to stay in the realms of reality, the castle in the sky always beckoned.

She felt her pyjama bottoms being peeled away from the lower half of her body and James pulling her down to the floor. The square marble tiles felt ice cold under her slender build, their rough surface scraped along her back as he thrust himself into her. She remained silent and stiff. Her rigidness fought against his hardness, her walls bared down around him, impulsively trying to push him out.

He clung on to her shoulders to keep himself inside her.

She knew it wouldn’t be long now. He never went long. A few quick impulsions and he collapsed on top of her, the erratic breathing gradually slowing down to a more restful balance.

He felt her body judder, as he slipped from inside her, the vacant stare still transfixed across her youthful face.

As much as he craved to be close to her, he longed to be wanted by her. Seeing the look in her eyes killed him.

Feeling her shake and jerk against him literately tore him up. He didn’t get it one bit.

At times it was like he had married two different people.

One was loving and tactile. The girl he first fell for in the pub; the sassy and witty redhead that had spun his world around. The girl that, for around eighty-five percent of the time, was still there, until intimacy was involved and the other girl took over. This one was quieter, subdued; almost a reverted childlike version.

All he wanted was to be able to make love to his wife, instead of feeling like every time he touched her he was raping her. Even now he could feel her discomfort, at having her naked body pressed against his half dressed self. She turned her head away from him, fixing her gaze on the far side of the room. Waiting for him to move, to let her know it was over. That he had finished playing with her. James mentally shook his head in disturbance.

“This isn’t right.” He said as he pulled himself up from the floor. Grabbing his trousers from round his ankles, he yanked them back on. Looking down on Jane he watched her curl herself up into a foetal shape ball “It’s not normal…

This
is not
normal!”

The tears fell out of her eyes at an alarming rate. There were no sobs or staggered breathing; just titanic saline droplets. She knew more than anyone that she wasn’t normal. She felt it every day.

* * *

Maisy finished the last sentence of the letter she waswriting. Signing her name, she folded it carefully and slipped it inside of the envelope. She addressed it and put it inside the back pocket of her jeans as she walked out of her bedroom and down the stairs. Her mother was hovering in the hallway. Maisy ignored her when she called out to her and walked out of the house.

It wasn’t an act of rudeness, it was just that her mind was so focused on what she was doing that nobody else was filtering through to her. Ever since she had first thought about it she hadn’t been able to let the idea go. It took hold of her entirely and the day had finally arrived for her plan to take shape. Once she had posted the letter, a feeling of reprieve took over her.

The post box was at the end of the road, Maureen watched her daughter walk all the way there and all the way back.

She nearly had to sit down, at the shock of Maisy smiling at her as she returned. There was something different about her daughter lately. She seemed a little more together; almost sane sometimes. She had begun to talk more; conversation that made sense instead of paranoid ramblings. She even took an interest in Katie.

Maureen had begun to leave her to look after her every now and then; pleased that mother and daughter were finally bonding. Katie had taken to her immediately, grateful and thrilled at her mother’s attention. Revelling in the time spent together. It was almost as if the small girl knew who she was and that she didn’t want her.

It had broken Maureen’s heart to watch Maisy reject her granddaughter. Katie was such a beautiful little thing, that Maureen could not help but despair, at the time Maisy was losing out on with her. As much as she adored her granddaughter, it didn’t alter the fact that she should be bought up by her mother.

It was the natural order of things. Her husband kept his own counsel; never one to cause friction in his home. He ignored most of the daily dramas that occurred; preferring to leave it up to his wife to sort out, wanting to enjoy his retirement in peace.

Watching her daughter now, almost skip around the kitchen making a sandwich, marvelled her. It was like somebody else had possessed her.

Maisy saw her watching. “You ok mum?”

Maureen smiled at her daughter; not wanting to upset her in any way. She always felt cautious when talking to her.“Yes love. You still feel alright to look after the baby tonight?”

Maisy nodded and continued with making her sandwich; concentrating on spreading the butter to the very edges of the bread.

Maureen continued chatting.

“I won’t be long, I shouldn’t think. I wouldn’t go but ya dads quite insistent on it tonight. Says we aint been down the club together in a long time now; and what with you feeling so much better…”

“Mum, it is fine. It’s no problem.” Maisy interrupted her.

It was short and impatient. Maureen knew that was enough and that it wasn’t to be pressed any longer. Not wanting her to change her mind, she dropped the subject willingly. She really was looking forward to going out. It was not something that happened often anymore, now she had Katie to look after.

There was a time she would have been at every social function going, but not anymore. So tonight she intended to really enjoy herself. It had been a long time coming and, without wanting to be selfish, she believed she was owed this one night of liberation; it was just she couldn’t quite get rid of a feeling that something bad was about to happen; that an event beyond her control was about to take place.

She tried to ignore it and pushed it to the back of her mind. She busied herself with preparing dinner and getting Katie fed, bathed and settled in bed. She wanted everything organised, so Maisy didn’t really have to do anything, apart from listen out for her.

She had showered herself and was now just applying a slight touch of blusher, to make her cheeks glow. Mick Fergus stood in the doorway, watching as she brushed her hair. It was a dark grey mass of curly locks, although there was a day when that dark grey was as jet black as the sky.

She still did it for him, his old woman. He had strayed over the years, sought out alternative companionships, but not one of them was a patch on his Maureen.

It was only sex, he justified himself, not love. Normally when she had been pregnant and not wanting to fulfil his needs; which was all they were, basic instinctual drives.

There was nothing for her to worry about; he would never have left her. He loved her far too much. He had just liked a bit of different over the years.

That was all a long time ago. Mick didn’t have it in him anymore to chase skirt. He was more than content with a few cans and an early night with his girl.

“Are you not ready yet woman?” His voice made Maureen jump.

She smiled at him with her reflection in the mirror.

“Yes, stop nagging.”

It was said light-heartedly and taken that way too. It showed a lifetime of understandings and perception. She followed him out of the bedroom and down the stairs.

Maisy came out to the hallway from the living room.

“Have a good time.”

Maureen smiled at her daughter. Although she was pleased to be going out, she still couldn’t shake off that bad feeling. She didn’t know what it was. It felt like she should be panicking, but she didn’t know what she should be panicking about. Mick was hustling her out of the front door.

She let him do so; sighing inwardly, she decided to not fret about what she didn’t know, not tonight anyway.

Tonight she was going to forget all their troubles and let her hair down. She giggled as she snuggled into her husband’s arm. She felt like she was courting again.

Maisy closed the door and stood in the hallway for a few moments. She just wanted to take it all in for a while. The silence and emptiness of the house enthralled her. Her heart was beating so soundly. She felt so calm, so tranquil.

She went into the kitchen and put a small saucepan of milk on the top stove. Waiting for it to simmer, she pulled out a small medicine pot from her cardigan pocket filled with a mixture of sleeping pills, pain killers and anti-depressants; all prescribed by Sean. She had been storing them up for months.

Dispensing them out onto the work surface, she set about crushing them into a powder with the back of a large metal mixing spoon. She then transferred the powder into the steaming milk and poured it out, into a mug and Katie’s beaker. Turning off the oven, she went upstairs.

Her daughter was sitting in her bed, holding her favourite bear in her lap. She was looking at a book that showed a picture of a fairytale castle. It reminded her of the stories her mother used to tell her when she was little; before everything had changed.

Maisy separated her life into two parts. There was the first part; where she was a normal little girl that had the devotion and attention of everybody around her, just like Katie did and then there was the part after that where her brother took away that simplistic life and replaced it with a distorted corrupt version.

He was going to do the same again, to a different little girl, she was absolutely certain of it. He had come to her one night, a few months ago and told her that they had the chance of a new life. That both of them could start again.

It was the closest he had ever come, to saying out loud that what he did to her was wrong, that how he had manipulated her all for all those years was wicked. Not that he had actually said that. What he had in fact said, was that
he
had the chance to start again and have the life
he
deserved. That he didn’t need her screwing it up by her obsessive and tedious tangents.

He told her he would leave her alone, if she stopped making her mother so concerned about her. Be normal he had instructed; like she knew how to be. How come he got to start again? How come he got to walk away? She couldn’t.

She was trapped with a constant reminder of what he did to her.

The mind games he played; the physical harm he induced. Then there was the other stuff. The stuff her mind had blocked; the stuff no brother should make a sister do.

He mustn’t get to walk away from that. She wouldn’t allow it. The more he had stayed away, the stronger she had felt herself become.

She had planned this night, in detail, repeatedly in her head. The taking an interest in Katie, presenting herself in a positive light, talking to her incessant mother, leaving the house, albeit for a short time only; putting every element in place.

Her family thought she was crazy. They didn’t know the half of it, she thought. At this very moment in time she had never felt saner.

“What are you looking at?” She asked Katie. She walked over to her bed and sat down on the edge. The little girl turned the book around to show her mother.

“What’s it about?”

Katie shook her head. “I like the pictures.”

Maisy looked at her daughter. She was the spitting image of herself at that age. It is a strange feeling looking into the eyes of a child and seeing you. The innocence and purity that Katie held was overpowering. She didn’t love the child. She was incapable of loving anything. Sean had seen to that.

She felt responsible towards her however. Maisy understood that Katie hadn’t asked to be born out of a sadistic act between siblings. It wasn’t something she was a willing participant in either. It was something that had happened beyond mother or daughters control. But there was something that Maisy could do about it now.