Matilda Wren (29 page)

Rachel’s heart felt like it had stopped. Jane was pointing at her.

“You were who your sick mind led you to believe you were. Your eyes were crazed, as you took great delight in describing what you were doing and why. You did it. You.

I was so scared. Scared because you were no longer the person I thought I knew. It would have been bad enough, just to have had regular sex without consent, but that was something else. It was like you had gone crazy. You couldn’t tell reality from your fantasy.”

Rachel watched the dead look in Jane’s eyes; it was eerie. Her own face was expressionless. Everything she was hearing was so unreal. Part of her wished so very badly that she had never opened that letter, earlier in the day. Or that Maisy had never written it. Parts of her wished she had never witnessed Sean assault Jane, or hear the sickening words that she was disclosing.

She needed it to all stop; there was just too much happening today and she felt like she was drowning. Nobody looked as if they were willing to be the ones to stop any of it. Sean, the man she had lived half a life for; for so long he had been the cause of so much pain and destruction. She hadn’t seen it. She should have seen it.

James looked as if he was frozen where he was standing.

It occurred to Rachel that he had only moved when she had stepped towards Sean. He was looking at his wife now, like she was a complete stranger. He never was very good with confrontation, she knew that, but he looked just as scared and hesitant as he had the last time she saw him.

Jane appeared half demented. By the way she spat the words at Sean, Rachel guessed she had never spoke about it before. It was funny but, like herself, Jane didn’t seem scared. James was actually the only person in the room that wore a face of sheer terror. Kenny looked more amused by the proceedings than anything but it was Jane that Rachel was growing concerned for.

She just kept on with her tirade, of what Sean had done to her. It was like she was reminding him of what he was. She needed confirmation that it had happened, Rachel supposed, but that didn’t make it any easier to listen to. And still she went on.

“I was the one listening to what you were saying, I was the one who was there; who was having those things done to her. I was the one in the real world. You were lost in your own imaginary world.” She began to pace a little, no longer able to stand still. Her body was pounding from the fall and the smack she had received from Sean, but it spurred her to go on.

“A world where you could take what you wanted knowing that there was no comeback, after all I was nothing, someone to use and abuse, like it was your right. Your status empowered you to do anything you wanted, to force me to do everything you wanted, to threaten people I cared about if I didn’t do what you wanted…Oh the power you had.”

Throwing back her head, she spat out at him. It landed right between his eyes; a thick, stringy, blood congealed phlegm.

“You revelled in it. Now you know why I didn’t struggle, why I didn’t scream out for help. You were crazed, incapable of hearing me, even if I had been able to say anything. I was the one who was there, watching your face, seeing the arrogance, the satisfaction, the hatred that you were showing towards me. The only thing was Sean, it wasn’t Rachel you were making love to; you were raping me.”

Sean aimed the gun at her once more. She smiled at him then. It was a disturbingly sinister smile that was filled with intimidation. He wasn’t used to this being projected onto him, especially by a woman. To be made to feel inferior and substandard.

“It was only once you had run out of coke and were on one of the biggest comedowns of your life, that you began to stop. When you sat on the end of the bed, with your head in your hands, was the point where you came back to reality. Does that sound like a man who had consensual sex with someone? No, not in my book. Sean, face it, YOU RAPED ME!”

She was screaming at him now, tears pouring down her face. “The demons pushed it deep into your subconscious, with a lot of the other baggage that you dare not face because of the consequences. But one day you are going to have to face everything. So you want to shut me up. Pull the trigger Sean. Let’s see what a man you really are.”

Rachel felt herself move. She walked in between Jane and Sean. She saw the chaos and turmoil in his eyes. She put her hand up in front of the gun and closed it around the barrel.

Chapter 18

“Get out of the way.” Sean pleaded with Rachel.

What was she doing? Was she stupid? Why was she putting herself in front of the gun? He didn’t know if he had what it took to fi ght the beast inside him, the beast that was telling him to pull the trigger and shut the fi ery redhead up for good.

“No.” She tried to pull the gun down, towards the fl oor, but Sean’s hold was too strong.

“Please baby, I don’t want to hurt you.” The words were whispered so sincerely, it took everybody in the room aback.

But Rachel stood fast.

“No.” She said again; shaking her head. “Th is time no one is getting hurt Sean. You came here for me… right?”

Sean faltered. Was she still looking at him like she loved him? It had all seemed so simple in the car. He had a plan.

He had repeated it over and over to Kenny on the way up.

Kenny was to go into the house and remove James. He would then persuade Rachel to come home with Adam.

Ginnie was not part of the plan. Why had they not known about her? It was just as much Sean’s fault as it was Kenny’s. Neither thought James needed to be watched any further, as neither saw him as a threat. Unbeknown to them, in the six months that Kenny had stopped investigating James, Ginnie and James had got married, only Ginnie was now Jane. It was all too surreal.

“James, take your wife and Adam and get out of here.”

Her voice sounded a lot more confident than she was actually feeling. Her stomach felt like it was going to empty any minute and she desperately needed to sit down.

Sean wrenched the gun out of her hands and pointed it at James.

Rachel grabbed Sean’s face in her hands and forced him to look at her.

“I was always coming back. I just needed to get Adam safe first… Sean, look at me; I was coming back. Let them go.”He lowered the gun down to his side. She didn’t let go of his face and kept his gaze the whole time James grabbed Adam from the next room and pushed his wife out of the door. He looked back at Rachel at the very last minute; wondering if he would ever see her again. The first girl he had ever loved. She was still holding onto Sean and didn’t see him.

“What are you doing?” Sean asked the question without really wanting to know the answer.

She didn’t get it. Even after all the terrible things she had learnt, she couldn’t switch it off. She didn’t know where she had found the courage to do what she had just done.

Something had taken over her. She couldn’t let him hurt anybody else, yet being so close to him now she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

“I’m addicted to you.” She murmured. It was such a soft voice, an almost whimper. “It’s like I can’t think, without you interrupting me in my thoughts; in my dreams. You’ve taken over me. I should hate you right now. Why don’t I hate you?”

Sean leant his head against hers. He could feel her whole body shaking. Her smell was overriding every sense he possessed. He was overcome, that she was so close after what she had just heard. The crushing urge he had to kiss her was becoming more irresistible with every passing second.

“I can close my eyes to things I don’t wanna see, but I can’t close my heart to things I don’t wanna feel. I want to hate you Sean. You’re evil or possessed or… I don’t know.”

“Sometimes good people make bad choices. It doesn’t mean they’re bad… it means they’re human!”

She tried to push him away from her then.

“Human? Sean how can you be human? What you did to that poor girl, what you did to your own sister; and Greg… I can’t even go there.”

“Because of you. It’s all because of you. I couldn’t bear anyone getting in the way of us. I couldn’t lose you again.”

He interrupted her, feeling the panic rise again; realising she hadn’t stayed for him, she stayed so the others could go.

Rachel was mortified. She had bought all this about.

She shook her head in disbelief. Opening her mouth to say something she suddenly changed her mind. Before Sean knew what had happened, she had taken the gun out of his hand. It had been such a complete and quick manoeuvre, even Rachel was surprised at her agility and speed. She pointed it up at Sean who impulsively stepped backwards.

“Rach?”

“This wasn’t because of me. You chose to do all of this Sean. You chose.” She screamed at him.

She knew she was beginning to lose it. She told herself she had to remain calm. She knew she should just run out of the house, but she couldn’t, not yet.

“What did you expect? Getting yourself involved with omeone like him… eh?” Kenny’s voice came out of what seemed like nowhere.

Both Sean and Rachel became aware of not being alone in the room. She spun round and pointed the gun at him.

Kenny put his hands up in mock terror; laughing at her he moved towards her, stopping just a few feet from where she stood. He could see the fear and chaos in her eyes as she had Sean’s.

“All of this was always going to happen sweetheart.

There were never any choices. There is no such thing as free will. It’s just an illusion. The universe is either determinate, where the future is set, or indeterminate, where thoughts and actions happen at random. Neither option works with free will.”

Sean put his hand up to silence Kenny but he chose to ignore him. The drama was all getting too cliché for him.

He adopted the self-educated, intelligent persona he liked to use when he intimidated somebody. Coupled with his coarse accent, it always served well to throw his opponent off balance.

“Now our actions have consequences and choices arise out of those consequences; But even if we can make choices that make a difference, does that make them anymore our own?”

Rachel knew this man was trying to play games with her head, but she couldn’t figure out why. Kenny knew it too.

He didn’t see what Sean was so entranced with when it came to this woman. She was attractive, held a nice figure and all that, but she seemed to consist of nothingness.

There was nothing special about her that made her stand out. For Kenny, people had to stand out, make an impact, otherwise what was the point of their existence. Rachel he found was just plain annoying in every sense.

“I tried to stop it. I tried to make him see that you would be the catalyst to the end. Dozy sod wouldn’t listen though; believed that you were the one that could change his destiny.

But that’s the things about fate. It’s already set in stone.”

Kenny snapped at her.

He loathed the power she wielded over Sean. It was jealousy, although Kenny would never admit that. He despised the love he saw between them. It ate away at him, even more so since Rachel had come back into Sean’s life; an act that was down to Kenny’s own making, though he would never accept that either.

“If people have the ability to act differently from what anyone expects, then surely free will exists. Each action follows a conscious choice.” Rachel retorted back.

She looked at him up and down. He spoke well but had that cockney, east end tone to his voice. She had heard Sean speak about him before, he held him in high esteem.

All Rachel saw, was somebody that seemed to spur Sean on in his perverted demeanour.

“The problem with that idea my love, is that we may just be merely automatically reacting, to the incentives in our environment. Therefore, all of our actions are restricted by powers beyond ourselves, or by casual chance.” Kenny begun to look bored.

He took out a pack of cigars from his jacket pocket and made a prolonged show of taking out a cigar and lighting it with a silver Zippo lighter.

“You still aint getting it; are you? Oh I aint making fun of you, it took me a while too, to fully understand.” Kenny said, still fiddling with his Zippo. “You see free will, is nothing more than a mere illusion; like I said. It’s a velleity, an artificial feeling, which is falsely related with many of our actions when we perform them. On reflection, you realise that they were necessary and determined all along, by fate and destiny Rachel.”

“This… this is fate and destiny?” She turned back to Sean. “You listen to this guy? Seriously, you actually listen to the utter crap that comes out of his mouth?”

“Rachel… baby I can’t explain any of this… I don’t know what you want me to say. I do these things but it’s not me, well… it is… I know it’s happening… but it’s like something is telling me I have to… it needs to be done…”

“I don’t know who you are.” She wailed. It was like a child whining for something she had been told she couldn’t have.

Both men could see she was faltering. Her hands were shaking with the gun. She looked back at Kenny with disgust.

“You were there! When he murdered Greg… Maisy’s letter said you were there? You manipulative scheming bastard.”