Matronly Duties (22 page)

I climb off the bed and head to the freestanding basin that is used for basic amenities. I tip a little water in and splash it on my face. I don’t imagine any amount of cool water is going to completely hide the fact that I’ve been crying, but hopefully it will make it less noticeable.

When I turn around, Howard is standing a hair’s breadth behind me and I jump at his close proximity.

“Sorry.” He takes a step back.

“It’s all right. I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“No worries.” He holds his hand out in invitation but doesn’t force any contact. I slide my hand into his, and even such an innocent little touch provides some much-needed comfort. “Let’s go have dinner and we can discuss what happened some more later.”

As we head to the kitchen for dinner, one thought plays on repeat in my mind.
What if I’m too damaged to be with him?

Chapter 19

I thought I’d get a reprieve from early mornings now that I no longer have an official job, but my first morning as a fugitive has been no different than usual. Howard woke me not long after morning lights. We had a quick breakfast of eggs on toast, and then he showed me the communal bathing area where I could wash up and change. Now we are on our way to a meeting with the senior Trads members.

Walking beside Howard, I am still waiting for the bomb to drop after yesterday’s debacle. By the time we got to bed last night, it was late and we were both exhausted. This morning has been hectic, so we still haven’t had a chance to talk things through. The good news is he doesn’t seem to have pulled away from me at all. He still holds my hand when he can, and last night he spent most of the evening spooned behind me.

The meeting we’re heading to is at the opposite end of the settlement than the Jameses’ abode, in a marquee-like tent they use for community gatherings. We walk through a scattering of smaller tents and demountable buildings on our way. It’s not at all what I imagined—it’s far more organised than I expected, and it is clear some of the buildings have been here for some time. They’ve definitely been using the cavern as a safe haven for far longer than I’ve been alive.

“Morning,” Howard says as we walk in.

“Morning,” the four gentlemen inside say at the same time.

They look at me, then at Howard, then exchange glances between each other. I can tell from the looks on their faces that they’re wondering what I’m doing here. They aren’t the only ones.

Howard grabs my hand and pulls me closer. “Guys, this is Beth. Beth, this is Mark, Ben, Grant, and Toby.” Howard points to each man as he introduces him, moving left to right.

“Hi.” I give a half wave. “Nice to meet to you all.”

Mark is the first to respond. “Matron—”

“Nope, stop right there,” I interrupt. “Matron Greene does not exist anymore. I am just plain Bethanie Greene, but please call me Beth.”

Mark’s face lights up with a smile at my admonishment. “Well, Beth, it is nice to meet you, too.” He turns to Howard and says, “She’s a strong one. You’re going to have your hands full there.”

Howard laughs. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

After the rest of the men say hello, we take seats around a table covered in papers.

“So.” Howard picks up a piece of paper. “We are about halfway through the list of supplies we will need to make the trek to Sydney. Most of the major stuff has been procured, except for the carts, but we always knew those were going to be last minute. Food is our biggest concern at the moment. We still have roughly
eight weeks
before we can make the trek, so we need food to last us through that time, as well as rations for the trek and, of course, we promised to bring some staples to Sydney.”

They continue talking for half an hour about the various items they need to procure and how they are going to get them. I listen intently but don’t actually contribute anything. I suspect if I’d gotten up and left nobody would have even noticed. When they finally change subjects, Howard asks if there is anything else they need to discuss. All the men shake their heads, and I know this is the time for me to speak up.

“Okay, then—”

“When are we going after Estell?”

Both Howard and Mark look unhappy, but Mark is the first to speak.

“How do you know that name?”

I realise that Howard hasn’t told him anything about me meeting Estell. I give him a stern look. “Why didn’t you tell him?”

“It hadn’t come up, and I knew we couldn’t do anything until we could get to you, so I figured it was best to not say anything until I was sure we could do something about it.”

“Will someone tell me what the hell is going on?” Mark growls.

“I met Estell at one of my public appearances. She asked for my help to save her baby. I had no idea what she was talking about at the time, but my chief of security explained to me what happens to convicted fornicators and their babies. I was appalled, to say the least, and wanted to help so . . . with the help of some friends, I broke into Central Records and found out where she was being kept. Now we just need to rescue her.”

When I finish, Mark’s face is one of utter fury. “You knew about this!” he yells at Howard.

“Yes, and the way you’re behaving right now is exactly why I didn’t say anything. I knew you would go off half-cocked and try to go after her.”

“Damn right I would have.”

“Yeah, and you would have ended up getting yourself arrested. Then what good would that have done? She is safe where she is until she delivers. Now that we have the info, we can put together a rescue team and plan it out properly so everyone makes it out alive.”

“Fine,” Mark huffs, but I can tell he isn’t exactly happy about it. “So where is she?”

“Believe it or not,” I say, “they actually keep them in a secure ward at the maternity hospital. I have a map that shows the precise location.”

“Well, that shouldn’t be too hard to access,” Mark says.

“Now that we have the details, we will look into it and once we have a plan in place we will indeed rescue her,” Howard responds.

“That’s fine,” I say. “But her due date is listed as the thirtieth of November, so you only have about ten days, if that, to do it.”

“Okay,” Howard replies. “Grant, Toby, when we head into the city today I want you to go to the hospital and do reconnaissance while the rest of us head to the city stores.”

Mark looks like he wants to argue, but he folds his arms and scowls instead.

As we return to the Jameses’ there is something that I think I should make clear to Howard.

“So I just wanted to make certain you knew that I’m coming with you when you go to get Estell.”

Howard looks at me, his expression a mix of horror and disbelief. “No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

Howard stops walking and stands in front of me. “Beth, you can’t come. It’s too dangerous for you to go back into the city.”

“It can’t be any more dangerous for me than it is you.”

“Your face is far more recognisable than mine.”

“Well, I can wear one of those masks like the guys did when they came to rescue me.”

I can tell by the look on Howard’s face that he is thinking really hard about what to say next. “Why the hell do you want to go so bad?”

“Because she came to me for help.”

“So? People come to me for help all the time.” He stares me down like I’m some idiot who doesn’t know what I’m talking about. “I didn’t go to all the trouble of rescuing you out the hands of Smythe and Denham for you to end up back where you started.”

“Okay, you may be right there. I don’t want to end up back there either, but I can’t sit around here and do nothing. Do you have any idea what I did for the people of Oceania in my short time as Matron?” Howard shrugs but doesn’t say anything. “Nothing! Big fat zippo. I want to see this through to the end. I want to help one citizen. Just one. Is that too much to ask?”

The expression on his face changes from one of anger to one of resignation. “Fine. You can come when we go to rescue her, but that’s it.”

***

A quick glance at the clock shows that it is way past the time Howard and the rest of his men were supposed to return from their trek into the city this afternoon. I’m worried, but it’s also a couple of hours past the time I normally go to sleep and the weight of the last couple of days is making it very hard to stay awake. At some point, the bed dips.

“Howard?” I ask, only half awake.

“Yeah, it’s me, beautiful. Go back to sleep.”

“What time is it?”

“Almost midnight. Go back to sleep. We can talk in the morning.”

“No, I’m awake. How did it go?”

Howard shifts on the edge of the bed and lights the lantern on the nightstand. “We ran into some trouble on our way back, but nothing we couldn’t handle.” He rests his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

“It doesn’t look like it was nothing. You look shattered.”

He turns to me, his expression almost a plea. “It’s nothing really. Can we please talk about something else?”

I sit up and crawl across the bed, wrapping my arms around him from behind. I know when not to push. Even if I don’t understand why he is upset, I can still offer him comfort.

Howard eventually stands and goes over to the cupboard. As he walks, he pulls his shirt off over his head. The small amount of light from the lantern is more than enough to allow me to see every plane and ridge of his muscled back.

His trousers drop to his ankles, revealing he has nothing on underneath. If his torso is a work of art, his legs and butt are the stunning frame that highlights the art. There doesn’t seem to be an inch of fat on him anywhere, just muscles upon muscles. The throbbing ache between my legs returns, and as much as having another trip down memory lane scares the crap out of me, the idea that I might never again experience the pleasure Howard can give me scares me more.

Reaching into a drawer, he pulls out a piece of clothing. I have no idea what it is, but I don’t want him covering up my view.

“Don’t,” I say, the word coming out somewhere between a moan and a plea.

Howard spins around, holding whatever he has in his hands in front of his private parts. I let my gaze roam over every inch of his naked skin, committing it all to memory.

“Please, don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re starving and I’m a prime rib. I don’t want to hurt you again, and when you look at me like that, it seriously tests my control.”

“You didn’t hurt me. You never could. It was bad memories talking.”

“But—”

“No buts. I don’t want what that filthy man did to me to stop me from being with you.” I stand up, reach down, grab the hem of my nightie, and rip it off over my head. Being naked in front of Howard is both terrifying and exhilarating. His gaze, so intense I can almost feel it, moves over me from head to toe.

I take a step towards him, but he holds up a hand, indicating for me to stop. The other hand is tightly clenching the material covering his privates.

“Beth, please, don’t come any closer. I’m holding on by a thread here. I touch you and I’m not going to be able to stop myself.”

A small tendril of fear sneaks its way up my spine. “Are you trying to tell me that if I tell you to stop, you won’t?”

Howard shakes his head. “God no, I would never force myself on you. But I want to have sex with you so bad, and I know you’re not ready for that yet.”

“Doesn’t mean we have to go all the way, does it? Can’t we start out slow? You can finish what you started the other day, and I can learn how to pleasure you.”

Howard groans but still has his hand out. “If we do this,” he says, “I need you to promise that you will tell me the moment anything I do even remotely begins to freak you out. Okay?”

“You have my word. I promise. And in the spirit of that honesty, for the moment you probably shouldn’t kneel between my legs or chain my hands to the wall above my head.”

I was going for lighthearted, but the look of agony on Howard's face tells me I missed the mark.

“I’m sorry. Too soon?”

Howard nods. I’m not sure what else to say, so I walk over to him and uncurl the fingers clutching the cloth. It falls to the ground with a muffled thud.

I look down between us to see his manhood standing up hard and tall. The sight alone makes the ache between my thighs throb. I’m not ready for everything, but I want to touch and feel and bring him pleasure.

I lift the hand I’m still holding and place it over my right breast. Thankfully, Howard needs no further instruction before kneading and tweaking my stiff nipple. While he is distracted, I take the opportunity to wrap my hand around his penis. The silky smooth feeling combined with ridged hardness is such a contradiction. I slide my hand up and down the length, getting a feel of all of him.

“Fuck!” Howard’s groan startles me, and I quickly withdraw my hand. I attempt to step away, but he grabs me and pulls me closer. “God, you are temptation personified.”

One hand continues to massage my breast while the other makes a path up and down my spine. I try to pay attention to everything he is doing, I really do, but all of his nakedness pressed up against mine is overwhelming. Everywhere we touch a little fire burns, one that spreads pleasure, not pain.

I don’t even realise we are moving until my legs hit the mattress. Howard lets me go, and I flop down onto the bed. Closer to the light now, I have a much better view of his sculptured torso and feel an insane need to lick each and every inch.

Before I get a chance to act, Howard is on his side on the bed next to me. The sad, agonised look is gone, replaced with a hungry, happy one. “I never thought I’d ever have a chance with you.”

His lips capture mine in a passionate frenzy, tugging, nipping, and begging me to open to him. I don’t hesitate parting my lips. His tongue slips in my mouth, his penetration soft but forceful. An image of him entering me in other ways flashes behind my eyelids, and I suddenly want that more than anything.