Matt (The Cowboys) (32 page)

“Because I’m unclean. I’m—”

“You’re not!” she protested, distressed he would even think that. She was having trouble accustoming herself to the horror of what had happened to him, but she didn’t blame him. It certainly wouldn’t cause her to turn away from him. She wanted to hold him in her arms until the years of accumulated hurt went away. She took his hand and held it between hers. “You’re the finest man I’ve ever known. The kids think you’re wonderful. I can’t know how those awful years affected you, but you’ve risen above it.”

Matt rolled over and kissed her on the cheek. “Thanks for saying that.”

“I’m not just saying it,” she said, upset that he sounded as if he thought she was just spouting compliments to make him feel better. “I mean every word.”

“I’m not wonderful enough for you to want to be married to.”

“You’re wonderful enough for anybody to be married to. You know as well as I do we can’t choose when and where we fall in love. If I could, I’d have been in love with you before now.”

“Then you couldn’t have had your shop in San Antonio.”

She hadn’t meant to get around to that topic in just this way, but it seemed as good a time as any. “Actually, I’ve been thinking about your suggestion that I operate my shop from the ranch.”

He sat up in the bed.

“I don’t mean to say I’ve fallen in love with you any more than you’ve fallen in love with me,” she hurried to say. “But I like you, and I like living here. The kids like it, too. I know they wouldn’t like living in San Antonio nearly so much, especially Noah, and I wouldn’t want to leave Orin.”

As she spoke, Matt had gradually sunk down until he lay on the mattress. “So you think we ought to stay married even though we don’t love each other.”

“I think we ought to consider it.”

“What happens if you fall in love?”

“I’m not sure I can love any man. But if you fall in love, I’ll give you a divorce.”

“I won’t fall in love, either. I’m not the kind of man women admire.”

“But you are.”

“My looks, not me.”

“That’s because they don’t know you. If you’d spend more time in town they’d—”

“The boys need all the time I can give them.”

“What you’re doing for the boys is wonderful, but you need to think of yourself.”

“I am. Taking care of them is what I want.”

“But don’t you want to fall in love, have a wife, children of your own?”

“Don’t you?”

“I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t want to be under the power of any man.”

“If a man truly loved you, you wouldn’t be under his power.”

“I’ve never met a man like that. Except you. I want children, but I’m happy with the kids and Orin. And Toby’s starting to grow on me:”

“So you think you might like to stay here?”

“I want to consider it.” She didn’t like the way he sounded. She pulled his hand against her breasts and kissed his knuckles. “You spoil me. I’m selfish enough to like that very much.”

“You’re easy to spoil.”

“You’re the first man to say that.”

“I’d like to say much more.”

She didn’t want him to thank her for anything. That would make her uncomfortable. She wanted to get back to Hank. They couldn’t send him back, not if he was being abused. They couldn’t keep him, either. “What are we going to do about Hank?”

“Nothing tonight.”

“I really think we ought to take him to the sheriff.”

“The sheriff can’t help him.”

“Hank can tell him what happened.”

“The uncle will deny it. The law won’t believe a child against an adult.”

“We can’t keep him. Wilbur will demand we give him up, and the law will be on his side.”

“We don’t have to figure this out now.” He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “Get some sleep. We’ll worry about it tomorrow.”

Matt didn’t know how much time had passed. He only knew that he didn’t feel like sleeping. He ought to be thinking about how to protect Hank, how to help him learn to like himself again. If he reacted anything like Matt had, Hank felt dirty, ashamed of himself, certain nobody would ever want anything to do with him. Matt was determined to keep Hank from suffering as he had—as he still did.

Instead he found himself coming back time and time again to what Ellen had said. She was considering setting up her shop on the ranch. She liked him a lot. He knew he shouldn’t read too much into that. She had been most definite in saying she didn’t love him, that she didn’t want to love any man. Yet she was considering staying on the ranch. Could that mean she felt more for him than she knew?

Probably, but that didn’t mean she was in love with him. If she was, she certainly wouldn’t stay in love with him once she knew about his uncle. It would be better for both of them if she went to San Antonio as soon as possible. It would save her a lot of heartache. It was too late for him.

He was already in love with her.

It was really stupid. He’d known from the first that she wasn’t in love with him, didn’t want to love him, that he wasn’t the kind of man women fell in love with. He had been the one to offer the marriage, to suggest a business arrangement, to agree to help her set up her shop in San Antonio once the adoptions were final. Everything was working out just as they planned. Or it would have, if he hadn’t started making changes. First, thinking about ways to keep the children on the ranch after she left, then suggesting she set up her shop on the ranch. That wasn’t practical. They wouldn’t want women driving out to the ranch any day of the week, at all hours, to spend time trying to decide whether they wanted a new hat. If they wanted this one or that one.

But none of that was as foolish as his falling in love with her. That practically made it essential she leave the ranch as soon as possible.

He’d always thought half a loaf was worse than no loaf at all. Now he wasn’t sure. He’d gotten used to Ellen. She’d fit into his life right from the start. No task was too difficult. She didn’t wait to be asked, and she didn’t complain. But most of all Matt saw in her the same concern for the kids he felt. She knew what was ahead for them if they remained without a family to care for them. She’d been willing to make a sacrifice to ensure their lives wouldn’t be like hers. Matt could have loved her for that alone.

Yet there was more. She had accepted him without criticism even though he wasn’t the kind of man she could love. She hadn’t made any effort to change or improve him. They disagreed on many things, but she’d been generous with her praise. Knowing he’d been abused hadn’t caused her to turn away from him. Even now, she snuggled up against him.

Sometimes when he woke, he’d stay awake so he could enjoy the feeling of having her nestled against him. It made him feel as though she trusted him and wanted to be near him. That answered a need deep inside him. It didn’t begin to fill up the well, but it kept the hole from getting any deeper.

She’d never know what a strain it was on him to just lie here, her warmth against him, her breasts touching his arms, his side, even his hands, knowing he dared not do what he ached to do. She had said she’d leave if he did.

Some nights he lay there so tense that his body shook from the strain. He had to grip his hands together to keep from touching her. She had let him give her brotherly kisses, but he wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her as he’d always dreamed of kissing the woman he loved. He wanted to pour out all the love he’d hoarded for so long.

But she would stop trusting him, stop wanting to touch him, to be around him. What they had wasn’t much, but it was more than he’d had before. He just had to decide if he could live with it, at least for as long as she remained at the ranch. It seemed such a horrible option—pain now and more pain later—but he couldn’t let her go. He could—

A scream ripped apart the silence of the night. He was out of the bed and halfway to the door before Ellen woke.

Chapter Nineteen

Watching through the kitchen window as she prepared supper, Ellen kept an eye on Hank as he played with Orin and Toby. He rarely smiled, but he seemed to be more relaxed, less prone to look over his shoulder. Thank goodness he hadn’t had a recurrence of his nightmare.

It had frightened her badly to wake out of a dead sleep, screams reverberating through the house, Matt running from the room. She would have followed him if Tess and Noah hadn’t woken up, Tess whimpering in fear. By the time the screams stopped, Tess was sobbing and Noah was clinging to her, his body taut with fear.

“There’s no need to cry,” she’d said. “It’s just Hank having a bad dream.”

“What about?” Noah asked.

“I don’t know.” She couldn’t tell them the truth.

“I bet it’s panthers,” Noah said.

“There aren’t any panthers around here.”

Toby says there’s panthers and worse in Mexico.”

“Maybe, but we’re not in Mexico.”

“Is it Indians?”

“It could be.” But she was certain it wasn’t Indians.

“Are Indians going to get us?” Tess asked between sobs.

“Matt won’t let anything get us,” Ellen said.

“I want Matt,” Tess said. “Where is he?”

“He’s in the loft with Hank,” Ellen said. “But I’m sure he’ll come give you a hug before he goes back to bed.”

But it had been a very long time before Matt returned. By then Noah and Tess had fallen asleep.

“Was he dreaming about his uncle?” Ellen asked after they got back in bed.

“Yes.”

They’d talked far into the night. Matt never explained what Hank’s uncle had done or exactly what his own uncle had done. She wondered how Matt had managed to grow into such a strong, dependable, compassionate man. After Eddie Lowell attacked her, she’d been angry at the world, ready to lash out at everybody. Keeping his anger tightly controlled, Matt poured all his energy into doing for these boys what Jake and Isabelle had done for him. She couldn’t imagine what kind of inner strength it must take to be able to do that.

Ellen went outside to call everyone to dinner. “Where are Matt and Noah? Supper will be ready soon.”

“They’re taking care of Noah’s horse,” Toby called out.

They were wrestling. The younger boys weren’t strong enough to pin Toby, but he couldn’t hold both of them down. Every time he got one down, the other jumped on his back. She hoped they’d be tired by the time Matt and Noah reached the house. Noah would want to jump right into the middle. They were too big and rough. She was afraid he’d get hurt.

“He thinks his horse has a spavin,” Orin said.

“He’s always hoping to find a spavin,” Toby said. He wiggled out from between the two younger boys and managed to catch hold of them both. “He doesn’t realize he can’t ride a horse with a spavin.”

Hank suddenly stopped wrestling, his body rigid.

“What’s wrong?” Toby asked, sounding a little defensive. “I didn’t hurt you.”

But Hank wasn’t looking at Toby. He stared up the trail that led out of their valley to the road that went to Medina, and from there to Bandera. Ellen looked up to see a man riding toward them. She had started to wonder aloud who he might be when Hank moaned, grew wide-eyed with fear, scrambled to his feet, and raced for the corrals as fast as he could run.

She knew.

“What’s wrong with him?” Toby asked.

“I think that’s his uncle,” Ellen said.

“Is he going to take Hank away?” Orin asked.

“I’m not letting him take Hank,” Toby said, getting up and squaring his body as though he was ready to take on the stranger by himself. “Hank’s scared of him.”

Matt hadn’t told the boys what had happened to Hank. Ellen’s first impulse was to send the boys to get Matt, but that was unnecessary. As soon as Hank told him who’d come looking for him, she was sure Matt would come straight to the house.

“We don’t intend to let him take Hank,” Ellen said to Toby, “but he may be Hank’s legal guardian. If so, that could be trouble.”

“Matt will know what to do,” Toby said.

Orin retreated to the porch steps. Tess sat in the swing at the end of the porch, playing with Mrs. Ogden, apparently unaware of the gathering tension.

“Matt will be here in a minute,” Ellen said to Toby. “Until then, let me do the talking.”

“I can tell him to turn around and git just as well as anybody,” Toby said. He held his ground, a barrier between Ellen and danger.

“I’m sure you can, but I’d rather you let me.”

Ellen didn’t want to talk to this man. She’d much prefer to take Tess and Orin, go inside, and close the door. But she had to learn to stand up for the children by herself. When she moved to San Antonio, she wouldn’t have Matt to look after her. That thought gave her a cold, lonely feeling. She shoved it aside. “Come up on the porch with me,” she said to Toby.

“Why? I ain’t afraid of him.”

“Maybe I am.”

She didn’t know why she’d said that. If she was afraid, she shouldn’t have admitted it. The idea of being her protector caused Toby to stand even taller.