Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (17 page)

“Uh,” Darren says, “why don't you ask her yourself?”

“Because you're her bud, man. You speak like fluent Zoey-ese, right?”

“Zoey-ese,” Kyle adds, which is weird, because Darren was sure he was asleep.

“Zoey,” Darren says, trying to sound friendly, “you speak English, right?”

Zoey looks up from her book, her brow a little wrinkled. With his hands and arms, Darren tries to apologize. Or maybe he just begs. She goes back to the book.

3.
 WHATEVER THAT THING IS THAT'S ACTUALLY BETWEEN THE ROCK AND THE HARD PLACE

“Darren, man,” Nate says, “tell Lady Z that she's kind of rude.”

“Shut up,” Darren says.

“What? I'm just trying to make small talk with her.”

“No, you're not.”

“Lady Z,” Nate sings. “What is your secret?”

Zoey looks up from the book and does not appear pleased. Darren uses his hands, arms, shoulders, and face to communicate something along the lines of,
I'm sorry, I don't know what to do either.

Zoey puts the book down, walks to the bathroom, and shuts the door. She doesn't slam it, but she doesn't not slam it either.

“I forgot to put the seat down, Lady Z, sorry!” Nate says.

“Dude,” Darren says, and walks over to Nate. “You gotta stop it, seriously.”

4.
 A NEGOTIATOR

“Hey,” Nate says, more or less ignoring Darren. “How about a little Rock Band?” Nate nudges Kyle in the ribs with his foot. Kyle groans. “Kylie Boy, how about a little Rock Band?”

Kyle sits up.

Darren doesn't say anything, just looks at Nate and waits for an explanation.

“You know,” Nate says, “maybe she's one of those ‘I sing because I can't talk' type ladies.”

“Maybe she'd talk if you weren't one of those ‘I'm a giant douche bag' type guys.”

“Go ask her what she wants to sing,” Nate says.

“She's in the bathroom.”

“So go ask.”

Darren walks over to the door. “Zoey. Zoey. Hey. What do you want to sing on Rock Band?” No response, shocking. “Zoey, c'mon, come out.” Darren turns back to the couch, which is now empty, since Nate and Kyle are getting ready to rock.

3
Plastic Instruments Nate, Kyle, and Darren Play While Intermittently Trying to Convince Zoey, Who Came Out during Their Second Song (“Manic Depression,” Jimi Hendrix), to Sing with Them

1.
 Guitar (Nate)

2.
 Drums (Kyle)

3.
 Bass (Darren)

4
Remarkable Events That Occur Before They're Done with Rock Band

1.
 Zoey actually agrees to sing. She doesn't announce this, she just gets up off the couch and picks up the microphone. The guys laugh and holler like this is some kind of huge victory.

2.
 They actually find a song she's willing to sing. Which takes a long time, because Zoey says, “Whatever,” in response to the first eleven suggestions they make. At which point they just toss the little catalogue/booklet thing at her so she can decide.

“ ‘Precious'?” Nate asks when she shows him. “What the hell is that?”

“The Pretenders,” Zoey says quietly.

“Don't know it,” Kyle says.

Zoey looks at Darren, who asks, “Is it hard?” Zoey shakes her head no. Darren says, “YouTube.”

Everyone goes to Nate's room to watch it on his computer, which has all these ridiculous stickers all over it. The guys nod their heads and every once in a while check out Zoey, who may be mouthing the words and almost smiling.

They listen to it a second time and then go back to the game.

3.
 Zoey actually sings. At first she holds back, but then it's like she starts forgetting to hold back, to the point that Darren realizes that she's heard this song at least one hundred times, and if he hadn't been in her car before she probably would have been singing some of those other songs, and definitely not holding back. He wonders if this somehow has something to do with why she's such a fantastic driver.

4.
 Zoey goes a little nuts at the end. More than a little nuts, actually. Because near the end of the song there's this “fuck off ” in the lyrics (which the Rock Band people didn't even include in their version), but that Zoey definitely includes. Then she includes it more than once. And in this way, that involves her kind of ignoring the fact that everyone else is still playing the song. The next thing Darren knows, she's just screaming. It's maybe a little bit the kind of screaming that singers scream in certain kinds of punk or heavy metal songs, but honestly, it's pretty much just her screaming.

Darren stops playing and watches her as she keeps screaming. There isn't all that much to see, because she's got her back to him and the rest of the band. But she's definitely still screaming. She's not screaming any words, and she's not shrieking, either, the way you might expect a girl to if you told her to scream. She's just screaming, really throaty, and like she means whatever it is she's screaming. Eventually Kyle and Nate stop playing, but she keeps going for another few seconds, which feels like a very long time under the circumstances. Darren feels really bad for her throat.

Then she stops. And turns to them. And throws the mic at Nate. She doesn't hurl it at him, but she definitely doesn't toss it at him either. Then she goes back to the bathroom.

“Cool tune,” Kyle says after she closes the door.

“Damn,” Nate says. “Lady Z can bring it.”

“No lie,” Kyle says.

A few minutes later Zoey comes out of the bathroom. Darren is unable to find any trace of what just happened on her face, including in her eyes, even though she looks at him and must know that he's looking for some sign from her that all that just happened.

Darren walks over to her and says, “Hey.”

Zoey stares right at Darren for a few seconds, like she's trying to decide if she should punish him or something, but instead she says, “Your brother.”

“I know, but he's all right, you'll see, it's just that—”

Zoey takes a step closer and whispers in Darren's ear, “He doesn't have a mark.”

7
Arrangements Darren, Nate, Zoey, and Kyle Form during Their Nine-Block Walk to Abu Adam

1.
 Kyle, Nate, Darren, Zoey

2.
 Kyle, Nate/Darren, Zoey

3.
 Kyle, Darren, Nate/Zoey

4.
 Kyle, Nate/Zoey/Darren

5.
 Kyle/Nate, Zoey/Darren

6.
 Nate, Kyle, Zoey/Darren

7.
 Nate, Kyle, Darren, Zoey

4
Highly Valuable Possessions Darren Would Be Willing to Give Up So That They'd Be Heading to Hill Auditorium, Where Their Band (the Planets) Would Be Scheduled to Play a Sold-out Show, with Kyle on Drums, Nate on Guitar, Zoey on Vocals, and Darren on Bass

1.
 His good name

2.
 His left nut

3.
 His actual bass

4.
 The approximately $3,800 still remaining in his bar mitzvah account

30
Questions Darren Would Like Nate to Answer for Him If They Were Different Kinds of Brothers in a Different Kind of Situation

1.
 What do you think of Zoey?

2.
 Is smoking cigarettes that bad?

3.
 Is smoking cigarettes better or worse than smoking pot?

4.
 Should I smoke with you later?

5.
 Will I?

6.
 And what about drinking?

7.
 Are you going to be high all day tomorrow?

8.
 Are you high most of the time now?

9.
 You aren't getting such good grades, are you?

10.
 Should I go here (if I get in)?

11.
 Do you think I'd get in?

12.
 If I don't get in here, where should I go?

13.
 Wisconsin?

14.
 Did you know Dad was gay?

15.
 What do you think about Dad being gay?

16.
 Do you ever think you're gay?

17.
 Do you ever think I'm gay?

18.
 If I were gay, would I definitely know it by now?

19.
 Is Dad being gay going to be a huge deal forever from now on?

20.
 Is that why Mom is the way she is these days?

21.
 How would you explain the way Mom is these days?

22.
 Do you remember that Mom and Dad are divorced or do you sort of forget about it most of the time you're up here?

23.
 Do you think about the fact that I have two beds and two dressers and two rooms and two places to remind me that Mom and Dad are divorced?

24.
 Why did Maggie Block do that to me this morning?

25.
 Do you think Zoey's parents have any idea where she is?

26.
 What do you think about all her piercings?

27.
 Are you happy?

28.
 Will I ever be?

29.
 Will you make sure the rest of this visit is fun?

30.
 Are things always going to be this way?

4
Dinners Ordered at Abu Adam While Darren Starts Getting This Weird Feeling Like the Evening Is Getting Away from Him, Something That Is Not Helped by His Dad Deciding to Text Him, Even If It Is Just to Say,
Hope Everything Is Okay up There. I'm Sure You're Busy, but Let's Try to Find Some Time to Talk Tomorrow. Love Ya.

1.
 Falafel sandwich with hummus and extra tahini, cherry Coke

2.
 Chicken shawarma sandwich, cherry Coke

3.
 Falafel sandwich with hummus, cherry Coke

4.
 Falafel sandwich with hummus, no tomato, cherry Coke

8
Words Zoey Says during the Next Ninety Minutes

1.
 Yeah

2.
 Okay

3.
 Eleventh

4.
 It's

5.
 Okay

6.
 No

7.
 Maybe

8.
 Whatever

10
Relatively Unboring Five-Minute Stretches from the Three Different Mostly Super-Boring Parties the Four of Them Attend

1.
 9:48–9:53 p.m.

They get to the first party, which is being held in a reddish-brownish house not that far from Abu Adam. The person who opens the door (Trevor?) smiles warmly when he sees them, plus he walks like a marionette while going back into the party. Inside there are only eight or nine other people, just sitting on couches, except for a guy who's teaching another guy how to juggle. Some indie rock song Darren doesn't recognize is playing not too loudly, plus there's a big plate of undercooked brownies on a really beat-up coffee table in the middle of the room. When Darren is introduced to the guy (Vin or Von) teaching the other guy (Cooper) how to juggle, Vin or Von catches all three beanbags, smiles a lot with half his mouth, raises his eyebrows, and says, “Wow, Nate Jacobs's little brother,” as if meeting Darren is the most important thing that's happened to him all day.

2.
 10:00–10:05 p.m.

The guy (Cooper) who was learning how to juggle (but wasn't getting any better and didn't really seem to be paying attention to Vin or Von) gives up, goes to the kitchen, and comes back with a few cans of beer, which he places on the table not far from the brownies. Nate picks up two and throws one to Darren. Darren catches the can, opens it, and takes a sip. It's really nasty. Just kind of bitter, and maybe spicy, too. He tries hard not to register this on his face, but if Nate's silently laughing expression is any clue, he didn't do a good job hiding his disgust. Still, he forces himself to take another half-dozen sips before giving up, which Zoey seems to notice, looking at him over her own can while taking a sip herself.

3.
 10:19–10:24 p.m.

After his third brownie Darren goes to look for Nate, who he finds in the kitchen holding a different beer and talking to a girl in a purple turtleneck, tight jeans, and Uggs. Nate says, “Kimmy, meet my little brother, Darren, a fugitive from the law.”

Kimmy smiles a big, toothy smile and says, “A fugitive, really?”

Darren doesn't exactly say anything, just sort of makes a weird face at his brother.

“Well,” Nate says, “not from the law, more like from our parents.”

Kimmy turns to Darren. “Oh, really?”

“C'mon, tell her,” Nate says.

So Darren starts telling her, and she actually seems interested in his story, which he realizes
is
pretty interesting, but he can't explain it in any way that will make sense if he leaves out the parts about kissing Maggie and his dad being gay, neither of which he feels like getting into while keeping an eye on Nate and Nate's second beer. So he just mumbles something about a girl. Kimmy starts asking him questions about this “girl” (she puts her fingers up to make the quotes sign for some reason), but Darren has no idea what to say, because he'd have to lie if he's going to make him and Maggie sound like anything more than just making out all of a sudden in the band room, and he's just not up to lying right now. Plus Maggie's like a distant second in terms of girls who matter to Darren right now.

A minute into his story, which isn't going anywhere, Kimmy, still smiling, turns to Nate and says, “I think your brother is hiding something from me.”