Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (39 page)

10
Reasons Darren Only Half Pays Attention While Jordan Introduces Nate to a Bag Filled with Something Called “Sour Haze”

1.
 It's supposedly like the fourth-strongest strain of weed in the whole universe.

2.
 Darren might wind up trying it himself, but he can't decide just how bad of an idea that would be.

3.
 Nate is 100 percent going to try it, which won't be that big of a deal (he's high about 75 percent of the time they play anyway). But if he's way higher than normal because of it, then who knows.

4.
 Where the hell is Mike?

5.
 From the kitchen Drake screams, “Ah, crap, I burned the goddamn walnuts again!”

6.
 Even though no one is laughing, Basha says, maybe three times from her spot on the floor, “Don't laugh. The Haze is some serious shit.”

7.
 His mom's moving to California.

8.
 The way he burst in and then ran out on his dad.

9.
 Ben Zwiren's Facebook message.

10.
 Today's Darren's sixteenth birthday.

9
Additional Developments That Contribute to Darren Not Really Knowing How to Respond to the Pipe Filled with Sour Haze Making Its Way around the Room

1.
 Mike shows up. He doesn't give a shit one way or another about the Haze, just asks for a beer. Jordan obliges.

2.
 Drake brings out salad. In separate bowls for everyone.

“Drake makes the
best
salads,” Basha announces.

3.
 Jordan brings the pipe up to his mouth, lights it, inhales, and then, three seconds later, says, “Holy shit.”

4.
 Drake does and says something similar.

5.
 Basha does and says something similar.

6.
 Nate receives the the pipe from Basha.

“Hey man,” Darren says to him, trying to be discreet. “Aren't you going to tune up or something?”

Nate points at his head. “Gotta tune this up first.” Then he takes a long hit, causing his eyes to sort of deflate down into his expanding smile.

7.
 Nate presents the pipe to Darren.

“No, I'm good,” Darren says.

“Good is good,” Drake says. “But better is better.” For this observation, Jordan rewards Drake with a hand slap.

8.
 Basha sits on the floor with her legs spread way out to the sides. Somehow her entire torso is flat against the rug in front of her. She may be purring.

9.
 The pipe makes its way back to Darren once again.

“D,” Nate says, his smile suggesting absolute permanence, “trust me. It's stellar. Try some. Just a little.”

So Darren does.

5
Possibly Fluctuating Spaces Darren Is Suddenly Super Aware Of

1.
 THE ONES BETWEEN DARREN AND THE REST OF THE WORLD

Darren can't stop noticing all these infinitesimal spaces just outside of him. These spaces aren't necessarily any bigger than before, but they can't be ignored, either. They're absolutely real.

2.
 THE ONE BETWEEN HIS FINGERS AND THE BASS STRINGS

Meaning that even when he plays, his fingers aren't fully touching the strings. Or maybe that's wrong. Maybe they are. Touching. Maybe it's just that his skin, as a layer separating him from the rest of the world, his skin is like a
thing
he can't ignore right now.

Shit, what if he can't play? There's no way he'll be able to play. Mike will be pissed. He can't look at Mike. Mike looks like he belongs in the military. Mike doesn't like him. Mike's pissed he's in a band with a high schooler and has been looking for an excuse to let this be known. To make a scene. At this very audition, for instance.

3.
 THE ONE BETWEEN MIKE'S FIST AND DARREN'S FACE

Shit, Mike's going to hurt Darren, isn't he?

4.
 THE ONE BETWEEN DARREN AND NATE

Darren puts down his bass, which he's been holding for who knows how long without doing anything more to it than depressing a couple of strings against its neck. Then he somehow walks all the way over to Nate, who's enjoying his salad on a couch the size of a small swimming pool.

“Hey,” Darren whispers, certain everyone can't believe he's got the gall to whisper to someone in front of the whole group. “I don't think I can play.”

“Why not?” Nate asks, chewing and unconcerned.

“Too high,” Darren says. “I'm way too high.”

Nate sets his salad down on the coffee table. Puts his arm around Darren, who's now awkwardly hunched over the back of the couch. “Close your eyes,” he says.

5.
 THE ONES BETWEEN THE UPPER AND LOWER PARTS OF DARREN'S EYELIDS

Darren closes his eyes and quickly notices the laser light show going on somewhere inside them.

“Check it out,” Nate says. “You're going to play just fine. You're going to play better than fine.”

“But what if I don't? What if I can't?”

“It feels like more is going on than normal right now, am I correct?”

“Yeah. So much more.”

“And that you can't focus.”

“Not even a little.”

“But check it out, Little Man, you're actually just focusing on more. Focusing just as good as normal, only on more stuff. Meaning, you'll be playing great while, I don't know, finally understanding what syncopation really is or what it means that Mom is going to be getting all intimate with Bill Gates's weenie in six months.”

“Shut up.”

“Right, sorry. He lives in Seattle.”

“Seriously. Say something else. Now.”

“Your dad—”

“C'mon, Nate. Stop messing with me.”

“Just remember to breathe.”

Darren inhales and leans into his brother.

“Will you try?” Nate asks.

Darren nods that he will. He can hear Basha purring. Of course it sounds sexual. How could it not?

5
Genres and Subgenres of Alternative Rock the Accidents Might Be Said to Play, Though It Should Be Pointed Out That Nate Thinks Those Kinds of Labels Are “Total Pointless Bullshit”

1.
 Indie Rock

2.
 Post-Punk Revival

3.
 Garage Rock Revival

4.
 Jangle Pop

5.
 Power Pop

3
Members of the Accidents and How They're Performing Right Now

1.
 MIKE

Rocking extra hard.

2.
 DARREN

Whoa, Nate was right. Somehow Darren's fingers are listening to his brain. Incredible.

Mr. Keyes talks about “being in the pocket,” which is kind of another way of saying “being in the groove.” Darren's in the deepest pocket in world history right now. Like, imagine a pair of pants the size of the Willis Tower, a pair of pants 1,451 feet long. Darren and his bass are straight-up taking a leisurely stroll around the pocket of those pants. It's so big, he was able to invite Mike and his whole drum set to come inside and join him.

3.
 NATE

And that's a good development, because even though Darren has no idea how Nate figures into the whole pocket thing, it can only help him. Because Nate is definitely on Planet Nate right now. There are only three people in the audience, but you'd never know it from Nate's performance.

5
Additional Half-Baked Analogies That Might Explain the Musical Dynamic at the Heart of the Accidents' Audition

1.
 Darren and Mike are the cake and Nate's the frosting.

2.
 Darren and Mike are the trampoline and Nate's the acrobat.

3.
 Darren and Mike are the canvas and the frame, and Nate's the paint. Or the painter.

4.
 Darren and Mike are the chairs and the table. And the plates and the silverware. And the glasses. And Nate's the food.

5.
 Darren and Mike are the rules. And Nate's the game. Nate's playing the game. And winning.

5
Places Drawing Darren's Attention While He Plays

1.
 THE COUCH

Drake's nodding his head like the Accidents are steadily convincing him of their stance on an important, controversial topic. Jordan, meanwhile, has closed his eyes. Every once in a while he crimps up his entire face.

2.
 THE CARPETING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE COUCH

They got Basha up off the floor. She's not exactly dancing, but she is most certainly moving.

3.
 THE STAGE, MEANING THIS ONE CORNER OF THE ROOM

The hilarious thing is that Nate is messing up pretty regularly. Not super bad. But he's singing a verse he already sang. Plus he was supposed to be using a capo for this whole song, but totally forgot. Luckily Darren was able to adjust the key for himself. And luckily Mike doesn't know the difference. Plus they were supposed to play this song third, not second.

Good enough for rock and roll. That's what Nate would say, since he says it all the time at home when he's screwing up.

4.
 THE INSIDE OF HIS OWN CRANIUM

Darren wonders if it's this easy for other bassists. Just keeping the beat and not worrying about anything else. Or maybe Darren just likes being responsible for something pretty straightforward. In this case, the rhythm.

Maybe it's not so hilarious, actually. The amount Nate is messing up.

Look at them. At Jordan, Drake, and Basha. And Nate. Have people ever thought they were cooler? Maybe they are cool. Maybe Darren's cool too. Because people can decide pretty much anything, and anyone, is cool. That's how cool works.

But, honestly, they're kind of idiots, too.

That's not nice.

No, but they are. Like, they really look stupid right now. You can just tell Basha is the kind of person who totally means what she says, only everything she says makes zero sense. And Drake. The guy looks like Big Bird.

Is Jordan flunking out of Northwestern? Maybe. Probably. Who cares? And this stupid house. Who needs a house this goddamn big? A house half this big would be too big. And Jordan's going to trash the place while his parents are off in Oslo or wherever.

And the Accidents are going to provide the sound track.

Sweet.

Plus, honestly, this music, it's pretty whatever. Any music you can play this sloppily and not have anyone care, or even notice, there's something wrong with it. Or with the people who like it. Mr. Keyes would tear his hair out if they just made up some key on the spot.

And then there's Nate. He really thinks he's going to be a rock star. Maybe he's good enough for the Sour Haze crowd, but at some point he'll have to get serious. Good luck getting him to practice like Darren tells him he should. “You've got to do your scales, it'll help with your solos.” That's what Darren tells him. Nate says, “I get better at soloing from soloing.”

Whatever, man, whatever.

5.
 DARREN'S POCKET, HIS ACTUAL POCKET

And Darren's endlessly annoying phone won't stop vibrating in his pocket. His real pocket, that is. Probably his mom calling to remind him that Legoland is in California.

8
Displays of Affection Shared by Those Present After the Accidents Finish and the Applause Stops and Jordan Yells, “Hell Yeah! You Guys Are Sick!”

1.
 Hug (Nate and Jordan)

2.
 Fist bump (Darren and Mike)

3.
 Fist bump (Darren and Jordan)

4.
 High five (Nate and Mike)

5.
 Hug (Nate and Basha)

6.
 Double fist bump (Nate and Drake)

7.
 Double hand squeeze, half hug (Darren and Basha)

8.
 Hug (Darren and Nate)

3
Post-audition Activities Undertaken by the Various Members of the Accidents

1.
 Mike taking apart and packing up his drums

2.
 Nate hunkering down on the couch to smoke a celebratory joint with Jordan and friends in order to seal the deal or something

3.
 Darren setting out for the bathroom. Not that he has to go to the bathroom. Pulls out his phone on the way. There's been a lot of activity.

6
Exact Quotes Taken from the Voice Messages Darren Listens to While Meandering around the Weisses' House, Which Seems to Just Keep Going and Going

1.
 HIS DAD

Your mother called, asking how I'd feel if you slept at her place tonight instead of here. I said it's up to you. Let me know what you think. I'm fine either way.

2.
 HIS MOM

I went ahead and asked your father if he would be okay with you sleeping here tonight. He said that was fine with him as long as you're okay with it, so if you're okay with it, let's plan to do that. Okay?

3.
 HIS MOM

Okay, just trying to get ahold of you. Hope you and Nate are having a good time. I'll—forget it, never mind. Just please call
when you get a chance. And don't think I forgot about the thirty dollars and tip I still owe you.

4.
 RACHEL

Okay, my present to you today is not giving you permission to not talk to me today! Oh my God, that was so selfish. Sorry! But please call, please! And you better have gotten my e-mail.

5.
 HIS DAD

Since it looks like you'll probably be spending the night at your mother's, I thought maybe we could go downtown to the Green Llama for dinner instead of getting sushi up here. I know Ray would love to spoil you a little more today, and your mother said she actually had someone down around there she's been meaning to have coffee with for a
while, so she could just pick you and your brother up straight from the restaurant afterward. And then you guys could actually just meet us down at the restaurant around seven thirty. Let me know what you think.