Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (38 page)

1.
 Most regular meals, including regular meals of pizza, don't include one person eating an entire extra large with ham and pineapple (which, Darren's pretty sure, Nate doesn't even like) straight from the box.

2.
 Most regular meals of pizza aren't eaten with the box of pizza resting on one of those insulated pizza delivery bags, which looks like it's still holding at least one other pizza.

3.
 Most regular meals are not washed down with sips taken straight from a two-liter bottle of Sprite.

4.
 Very few if any regular meals are eaten bare-chested while wearing a La Luna's shirt pulled almost all the way off, so that the collar is now stretched over the crown of your head and the rest of the inside-out shirt falls down across your shoulders and back, almost like a cape.

5.
 Most regular meals are not eaten while sitting on the kitchen counter, which would probably break a rule, not that “no sitting on the counter” was ever presented as an official rule.

4
Observations Shared by Nate Before Anyone Else Speaks, the Last Two of Which Only Darren Hears, Because His Mom Shakes Her Head in Disbelief, Throws Down Her Purse, and Goes Upstairs After Nate Finishes #3

1.
 It's the birthday boy and the weary traveler. Greetings and salutations.

2.
 I know you both just rocked some Dawg House action, but I've got to say, this Hawaiian pie is pretty tasty, if you're interested. I never would have ordered it myself, of course, but I might have to rethink that going forward. We could pick off the ham.

3.
 Ricky's an asshole, I'll tell you what. Always finding some reason to bitch at everyone. Treats us like slaves. But this'll show him. Sure you don't want a piece?

4.
 I believe there will be some rocking and rolling today. I truly do.

6
Things That Had to or Still Have to Happen for the Accidents, Nate and Darren's New Band, to Get an Actual Paying Gig

“Ready for some birthday glory?” Nate asks Darren after he comes back up from the laundry room, wearing a new, regular T-shirt.

“Huh?”

“Remember how we said we shouldn't keep it a secret anymore?”

“You mean about the Accidents?” Which also includes this guy Mike Kaminer on drums. He's not bad.

1.
 Nate found him on Craigslist. At first Mike, who's twenty-two and finishing up at DePaul, was not particularly psyched by how young Darren is. But he shut up pretty damn fast once he heard Darren play.

“Check it out, Birthday Man. What time is it?”

Darren looks at the oven clock and feels a weird pit in his stomach. “Quarter to three.”

“Cool, we still got some time.”

“What?”

“You remember Jordan Weiss?”

“From Temple?”

“Yeah.”

“What about him?”

2.
 “I ran into him last week at a show. That alt-country piece of shit I told you about. He was there. Going to Northwestern. Smart cock.

3.
 “Anyhow, his parents are in Norway or some such shit for the next three weeks. Something to do with his dad being some kind of world-class heart surgeon.”

“Yeah, so?”

4.
 “So he's having a serious, serious party next weekend, up at their place in Glencoe. Like he is planning on getting a professional DJ. That kind of party.”

“Are you going to go?”

“Man, D, you're such a Grade A idiot sometimes.”

“What?” Darren says by way of defense.

“So I said to him, don't get a lame-ass DJ. DJs suck.”

“Not all of them do.”

“True. True. But a good band, a good live band kicks the shit out of a DJ. Am I right?” Nate stops talking. Gives Darren a long look. Raises an eyebrow. “Do I really need to spell this out to you, little brother?”

Darren figures it out. “No way! We're playing his party?”

“Maybe. We're maybe playing his party.”

“What do you mean maybe?”

“So I said to him, ‘How much are you paying for your shitty DJ?' And he says, ‘A grand.' So I say, ‘I can get you a good, no, I can get you a
great
band for half that—' ”

“We're getting paid?!”

5.
 “Don't shplooge your pants just yet. Nothing's for sure. But I got him to agree to give us an audition.”

“What, like, to see if he wants us?”

“I believe that's what people have auditions for.”

6.
 “And if he likes us—”

“Then the Accidents play his house party next week. And get paid. Happy birthday, my man.”

Darren nods his head. Smiles. Stops smiling. Looks back at the oven clock. “Hey, when do we need to leave?”

“An hour, little less. I told him we'd be there at four. Why?”

Darren's maybe doing some math in his head, which keeps him from answering at first. “Uh, nothing. Just curious.”

7
Lies Darren Tells Nate in Order to Escape from the House for about a Half Hour

1.
 I'm gonna run over to Best Buy. Dad got me a gift card for there.

2.
 No, it's cool. I'm only going for a little while anyway.

3.
 Plus I need to put some gas in the car.

4.
 And maybe I should get it washed.

5.
 Okay, I made that stuff up. There's this girl.

6.
 Just some girl.

7.
 Forget it, I'll tell you later.

2
People Likely Talking on the Other Side of the Door That Darren, Breathing Kind of Heavily from Racing up the Stairs, Knocks on Thirteen Minutes Later

1.
 His dad

2.
 Dr. Schrier

1
Request Darren Makes of His Dad Before Even Really Bothering to Respond to Their Surprised Greetings

1.
 “Hey, do you think I could just talk to Dr. Schrier alone? Just for a bit.”

2
Unequal Halves from the Beginning of a Conversation

1.
 “Hey, Dr. Schrier, sorry—I'm sorry about that, but thanks, you know, for being cool about this, because, I don't know, man, things are kind of crazy. Like, crazier than normal. I mean, can you tell me—what do you do when it feels like, when it feels like . . . Shit, I don't know, when everything seems all screwed up and out of whack and everything? Everything. Because, seriously, it's not even that everything's bad; it's like, I swear, it's like I can't even tell if things are bad anymore, you know? That's how out of control everything is. I mean, I haven't even told you a quarter of everything. Not even a quarter. Because there's this girl Zoey, and, shit, sorry, I don't even know where to start with her. But I probably should start. Plus my mom . . . Maybe my dad already told you, because I guess he knows. She just dropped this fucking— Sorry, she just dropped this bomb on me. Today. My birthday. It's my birthday. Right? Like, what the hell is up with that? Today is my birthday, which, I don't even know if that's good or bad in the first place, but she tells me today, I'm sure you know, my dad probably told you. Plus this guy, this guy Ben, who I know from Facebook, he admitted that Zoey is where I think she is, but that I shouldn't tell her everything. About how I feel. But does that mean I can't tell her other stuff? About my mom. For example. And maybe my dad, who—I'm sure he told you—I was kind of a dick to before. Even though, no, I was definitely a dick. But still, I don't know, like, who the hell am I supposed to tell everything to? Because Nate, I can't tell Nate. So, I mean, what the hell?”

2.
 “Darren, would you like to sit down?”

3
Dates Darren Has Agreed to Return to Dr. Schrier's Office, Which He Now Leaves Only Ten Minutes after His Arrival, Feeling, at the Most, 14 Percent Better

1.
 December 10

2.
 December 21

3.
 January 6

4
Requests Darren's Dad Makes in the Stairwell outside Dr. Schrier's Office

1.
 “Darren, would you stop? C'mon, please don't pretend you don't see me standing right here.”

“Okay, sorry. It's just—”

2.
 “Whatever. Why don't we go back inside? Dr. Schrier and I weren't discussing anything all that important before you arrived. We could talk about what happened—”

“I can't. Sorry. Nate arranged this audition for our band, and we got to be there pretty soon, so I really can't right now. Seriously. I'm late already.”

3.
 “Okay. Fair enough. But can I ask you to set aside some time for the two of us to talk? Before tonight, I mean. Will you do that?”

“Do what?” Darren is already descending the steps, albeit slowly.

4.
 “Will you call me? When you get a chance? Because I really think we need to—”

“Sure. Yeah.” He's already at the bottom of the stairs. “I'll try. Bye.”

6
Pieces of Equipment Nate and Darren Somehow Manage to Pack into Ray's Car, during Which Time Darren Says “Be Careful” about Thirty Times

1.
 Nate's guitar

2.
 Nate's amp

3.
 Darren's bass

4.
 Darren's amp

5.
 Nate's mic

6.
 Nate's mic stand

16
Buttons and Dials Nate Touches Before Darren's Even Backed out of the Driveway

1.
 Stereo volume

2.
 AM/FM/SAT

3.
 Cursor down (for satellite radio)

4.
 Cursor up

5.
 Enter

6.
 Destination

7.
 Route

8.
 Map

9.
 Info

10.
 Zoom in

11.
 Zoom out

12.
 Back

13.
 Seat warmer

14.
 Seat angle

15.
 Passenger-side light

16.
 Passenger-side window

4
Bits of Praise Nate Has for the Infiniti G37

1.
 Holy shit, these are good speakers. Whoa.

2.
 Very user-friendly. Ergoriffic!

3.
 Smooth ride.

4.
 Whatever the gay version of “pussy magnet” is, this is it, no doubt. Cock magnet?

3
Main Streets Darren and Nate Pass Before Nate Asks, “Dude, What's Up? Someone Die or Something?”

1.
 Dempster

2.
 Church

3.
 Golf

2
Rather Huge Updates about Their Parents Darren Has Given or Is Now Giving to Nate

1.
 That their dad is gay, back in April.

2.
 “Mom's probably moving to California in about two weeks.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“They want to hire her or something.”

“Who does?”

“XR Systems, I guess.”

“XR Systems doesn't even exist anymore. They got bought by—”

“Right, Cloudmarket, and they—”

“No shit. They want to hire her.”

“Yeah.”

“Good for her,” Nate says. Darren doesn't say anything. Turns onto Ridge. “Well, welcome to the new economy, I guess.”

“You're going to have to live with Dad. Though he might get the house back or something.”

“Should have seen it coming.”

“I guess.”

“Our mother's a motherfucker.”

Darren almost laughs.

“Hey, you okay?” Nate asks.

Darren shrugs his shoulders. Nate pats the right one. “Don't worry, Little Man, we're about to rock the shit out of the Weiss Plantation.”

7
Public Spaces the Weisses' Living Room Is Big Enough to Be

1.
 A restaurant

2.
 A library

3.
 A clothing store

4.
 A medical clinic

5.
 A yoga studio

6.
 A kennel

7.
 A morgue

3
People Already in This Living Room

1.
 JORDAN

Darren probably hasn't seen him in three years at least, but he looks pretty much the same. One of those strawberry-blond guys who'll never need to shave.

2.
 BASHA

Or something like that. She's wearing a light patterned skirt with tights on underneath. This room and the attached living room sort of feel like a hotel lobby, with sofas scattered everywhere, but she prefers sitting on the floor.

3.
 DRAKE

Or something like that. Crazily tall with long, wavy, blond hair. He keeps disappearing into the kitchen.

7
Reasons Darren Can Tell That the Three of Them Are All Super High

1.
 The place reeks.

2.
 One of the fourteen coffee tables boasts a pipe,

3.
 a bong,

4.
 some rolling papers,

5.
 a lighter,

6.
 an ashtray, and

7.
 a couple of tiny plastic bags filled with what even Darren can tell is marijuana.