Me (23 page)

SOONER OR LATER WE ALL REACH A POINT WHEN WE
aspire to do more with our lives. We begin to realize that it is no longer enough to simply exist in the world, and we feel the need to transcend who we are to become something greater. For me, that aspiration manifested itself in my desire to be a father.

Even though my work battling human trafficking in some way did fulfill my desire to do something I felt was important, I cannot say that it was enough to completely fill my soul. I had arrived at a point in my life where I simply wanted more: a family of my own. For me, having a child means you are ready to give yourself entirely, and that’s exactly how I was feeling. I no longer wanted to wait for the right moment or the perfect partner to do it: I was ready to be a father, and once I understood this, I did what I had to do to turn my dream into a reality.

IN TRUTH, IT Started with Baby Wave, because when I met him the first thing I thought was that I wanted to adopt him. At the time, I was told that single fathers are not allowed to adopt in Thailand, so it was not even an option. However, that little one’s tenderness, and his strength and determination to live, awoke something very profound within me.

The second catalyst came when a friend of mine became pregnant. It was wonderful because this friend also happened to be my physical therapist, so I was around her during her entire pregnancy. She accompanied me on the Black and White Tour in 2007, so each day I could see how her belly was growing, and the fact that I was so close to her during those nine months helped me to experience the miracle of life. She eventually got to a point where she could no longer travel and had to stay home, but when her precious little daughter was born, I felt something click inside. Like so many other times, my moment had arrived. And that is how my search began.

Meeting that tiny baby in the chaos of the tsunami and then seeing my friend’s utter happiness when she gave birth made a huge impression on me. Both events triggered a deep peace and sense of joy so pure that I somehow wanted to bring that feeling into my own life. I felt that my moment to be a father had come. At last, the only thing that mattered was that I was ready to be a father, and as far as that feeling went, no one was going to tell me otherwise: not my family, my friends, nor my lovers. This is something I felt I needed, something I desperately wanted to do, and so I set out to find the best possible way to do it.

In hindsight, I realize my path had been leading up to this moment and had given me all of the tools I would need to make this decision. I had not only learned to accept and love myself; I had at last found the role of my life—working for the cause against human trafficking—and now I felt ready to unconditionally love someone else. Though I suppose no one is ever really ready to become a parent—in large part because it isn’t until one is a parent that one can truly understand what it means—in that moment I felt I had developed the spiritual tools necessary to take this very critical step.

The time I spent in India helped me a lot. There I learned to listen to my silence, and therefore get to know myself, but I also learned a lot about life. I needed some distance from my career to learn the simple things about life and to be able to share my time here with others. Because I had spent so much time running around trying to be number one, I did not have time to grow up and mature at my own pace. I had to learn how to cry, to walk through the streets and see other people; I had to take control of my own life.

In India I learned how to focus on gratitude. I think that most of us—myself included—go through life focusing on the negative. We often think we’re doing this to be realistic, or simply because we are identifying the negative things we are trying to eliminate in our lives. And although I don’t think we are wrong when we pay attention to that which hurts and bothers us—if we are really doing it for the sake of making things better—I believe it’s also important to dedicate time to focus on the good things, so we can repeat them and increase them in our lives.

Today, when I feel bad, or when the day seems to weigh me down, or when I feel there is a cloud chasing me around everywhere I go, I make a list of ten things I am grateful for. Just ten. At first, when I would try to do this, I couldn’t get past three. I would think: “I’m alive. I’m healthy. There is food on my table . . . ,” and that’s as far as I would get. It would take me a long time to be able to expand that list.

But when I really stop to think, I realize there are so many more extraordinary things to be grateful for. I can walk. I can see. I can feel. I have friends. I have a family that loves me. I have a home. I have two beautiful sons. And by the time I get to number eight on the list, I am already smiling. And that’s how I focus on the positive, which means adding instead of taking away.

I always knew I was destined to be a father. It wasn’t like at age twenty-five I said, “When I am thirty-six I’ll do it.” I simply felt that my moment had arrived, and faced it when I knew I was ready. I know there are many people who are afraid to be parents, and I can honestly say it never worried me at all. I had the extraordinary example of my father. When he married his second wife, she said to me, “I fell in love with him because of how he treated you. I saw the dynamic between the two of you and I said to myself, ‘This is the type of father that I want for my children. ’” And it’s true. We have always had an incredible relationship, full of open communication and understanding, and this is the type of relationship I want to have with my own children.

Besides, until the moment when I joined Menudo I felt like the best brother, because I taught my youngest brothers, my father’s sons, how to ride a bike, tie their shoes, and so many other basic childhood things. Later, when I joined Menudo, it hurt me to think I had abandoned my younger siblings, and I often felt that the eldest of them would look at me with an expression that seemed to say, “Where were you when I needed you?”

But I later understood that I had to absolve myself of this melancholic attitude, and of the guilt I always carried for having left, because I finally understood that life took me down a certain path that distanced me from him, and that’s simply how it was. It was no one’s fault. It was a lesson for both of us and it never took away from the fact that I adore him, along with the rest of my brothers. The proof is that today we are all very close, we see each other at every opportunity, and we love each other so much. And it is because of this very special relationship I have with them and with my parents that I always felt I wanted to be a father.

The more I considered the pros and cons of the various alternatives that exist to have children, the one that sounded best was surrogate motherhood. Now, I’d like to clarify that this was the best option for
me
. I’m not out to convince the rest of the world about surrogacy, nor will I stand on a mountaintop and scream that surrogacy is the most amazing thing that has ever happened. I am aware that this may not be the best option for everyone, but it was for me. I already knew I didn’t want to start a family with a woman, and since I also didn’t want to wait to find the love of my life in order to have children, I decided this was the way to go.

When I told my mother what I was going to do, she looked at me and said, “Wait a moment, Kiki. Sit down for a second so we can talk. What you are telling me sounds like some kind of film from the future.”

“No, Mami. This isn’t the future,” I answered. “This is the present.”

And I explained to her how everything works. When I finished, the only thing she said to me was, “My son, you have to have your head screwed on the right way to make this kind of decision. Congratulations.”

Some people may not be fully aware of what surrogacy is and therefore find it strange, or even might think it is something negative. But the truth is that it’s an excellent alternative that we have today, thanks to all the medical advances that science has been able to accomplish. To think that previously, when a couple was not able to conceive a child, they would have to resign themselves to that fact without many options. Today, a couple that cannot have children—or has difficulty doing so—has all kinds of options available to them.

The surrogacy process takes time. It’s not just the nine months of pregnancy. It starts a lot earlier. I wanted to do it through an agency that specializes in this, and, obviously, I wanted a lawyer with expertise in the field who could guide me throughout the whole process. And that’s how I did it.

Surrogacy is becoming more and more common each day. Even though there are no hard statistics, it is estimated that since 1976 there have been approximately twenty-eight thousand children born through a surrogate, and every day there are more single parents who opt to have children this way. More than ever, men are becoming more conscious of the meaning of fatherhood and feel the need to have children whether they have a partner (be it a man or a woman) or not.

The first step in my own surrogacy process after finding the agency and then the attorney I wanted to work with was to select a donor for my eggs. I spent an entire week examining the bios of women who were offering their eggs. Even though I knew I wanted to find someone who embodied qualities that would complement my own, it was still very hard to choose the right person. Perhaps if I had fallen in love with someone it wouldn’t have been so difficult; we would simply be in love and have babies. But this was another story, and to choose a person based on their bio didn’t turn out to be as easy as I had thought it would be.

Once I chose the egg donor, the next step was to find the woman who would lend her belly to carry the baby. My lawyers advised that it would be best to do it anonymously. They explained that the mothers who carry babies are completely used to that, and some of them even prefer it because it makes it seem as if they are pregnant with their own child and they can go about their lives perfectly normally. In fact, most cases of surrogate motherhood are handled privately and with no contact, as if it was a closed adoption. There are open adoptions in which all parties agree to remain in contact and are known to each other, but there are also closed adoptions, where women who are giving their babies up for adoption don’t want to have any contact at all with the baby or with the parents who are going to raise him or her. And often, the adoptive parents also don’t want to have any kind of connection with the biological mother. This is a similar thing. The mothers who donate their eggs or carry the babies understand and accept the fact that the mother or father who will raise the child has chosen not to have any ties to those who have helped bring the child into the world.

Open surrogacy also exists, in which the surrogate mother can be in contact with the family, and eventually with the child. It all depends on what’s best in each individual case. In my case, I felt it would be best to have a closed surrogacy.

I stayed in touch with the surrogate mother throughout her entire pregnancy. But we did it anonymously. I was also in touch with her doctors regularly. Even though I was not by her side physically, I was with her throughout the entire pregnancy and I made sure she received the best care possible.

If my sons want to know about their egg donor when they are older, I will be able to show them photographs of her. They have a right to know who she is; she is part of their genetic history. But she asked that we not have any contact. She says she really didn’t have much to do with this, and that she doesn’t necessarily have the desire to have children. She said she did it for the simple fact of being able to help others to form a family, and that is enough of a blessing.

Meanwhile, the woman who carried the boys has no genetic connection to them. She simply lent her belly. I am very grateful for what she did, and if I do it again in the future, I would love for it to be she who carries my children again. She had already been through the process previously, and she came well recommended by the agency. When I interviewed her, I asked her why she was doing it, and she responded: “I am a very spiritual woman, and I have never felt as close to God as when I am able to give the gift of life to someone who cannot do it on their own.”

I loved her response. I felt that we were aligned in our beliefs and her words inspired my great respect for her. For me it was an honor that a woman like her would take care of my children for nine months, and I am eternally grateful to her for the calm and healthy environment she provided for them.

I started this whole process when I was on the Black and White Tour. It was around August of 2007 when I first typed the word “surrogacy” into a search engine and began to learn everything I could about the subject. Shortly thereafter, I began the process of selecting an egg donor and the woman who would lend her belly, along with all the medical tests and legal documents that are required. The tour ended in November, and approximately one month later I found out that the surrogate mother was pregnant. That year I celebrated New Year’s by giving thanks for the miraculous gift that awaited me.

Typically in surrogacy, two embryos are implanted to increase the possibility of success, and to avoid the possibility of having to go through the whole process multiple times. But even though I always knew there were two embryos, I figured I was only going to have one child. Of course, as if it wasn’t enough to become a father, life had yet another surprise for me, and this one came about two weeks into the pregnancy when they told me I was going to have twins!

A close friend who knows me well and who has worked with me for over twenty years said, “Man, can’t you do anything normal in your life? You always have to do things outrageously. . . . It seems that for you this is the only way!”

I can’t begin to describe my joy when I found out there was going to be two of them. . . . It was incredibly emotional. I started to prepare myself to be the single father of two children, and I read everything I could find. The only problem was that I was short one name, and this seemed like a major problem to me, because it had been hard enough to come up with the first one! I’d searched through so many cultures: I looked at India, Brazil, Egypt. . . . I even looked at the names of some of the Taino Indians, the indigenous natives of the island of Puerto Rico. I’d finally decided he would be called Matteo, a Jewish name that means “gift from God.”