Me (29 page)

There are some decisions that are very hard to make. But once we make them, we realize that we are stronger, happier, and more complete. We realize that we are able to do so much more than we ever imagined. Throughout the process of writing this book and baring my soul, I have learned so much. It was difficult, at times terrifying, but now I see it was a necessary step, critical for the sake of moving forward.

When I look back and think about all the angst I felt about my sexuality, and how afraid I was to tell it to the world, it makes me sad. I went through so much pain and so much tension, and now I can’t believe I made such a big deal of something that now seems so simple. For a very long time I was convinced that if I came out of the closet, something bad, something truly terrible would happen. I would lose my fans, my gang would reject me, and my life would fall to the ground. But all those thoughts were based on fear, because when I came out, not only did nothing bad happen, but now I am a million times better than I was before. If someone had asked me a few years ago if I was happy with my life, I would have very honestly responded yes. But now that I have taken this extraordinary step, I realize what it means to be truly happy. I hope that everyone, in their own life, can experience a process of rebirth, an awakening such as this one. I am not saying that everyone should come out as a homosexual, but rather that everyone should make an effort to liberate him- or herself from whatever it is that is holding them back.

This is the life I have been meant to live. My story was not one where I wake up at six a.m., make breakfast, kiss my wife on the cheek, get in a car, drive myself to work, and at five o’clock drive back, make dinner, make love to my wife, and go to sleep.

My life will always be a little different from everyone else’s, and I am not going to fight it. On the contrary, I am going to accept it. I do accept it. I accept it because I know that’s why I am who I am today, and just because my life is not the same as many others’ does not mean I cannot be happy. The Serenity Prayer says it beautifully. These are words I always carry close to my heart:

It’s true: I have to know what I can change and what I can’t. My life is beautiful the way it is—why would I change it? That’s how it is. I accept it and I adore it. I feel proud of it.

I believe everyone needs to accept the life they were given. That doesn’t mean one should not live it as fully as possible, but ultimately what’s really important is to accept and love oneself, to be happy and do good. And if you are different in the eyes of others, that is also part of your lesson in this life, because you have to learn to accept yourself exactly as you are without sacrificing your dreams in order to please others, or follow supposed social codes.
You are beautiful just as you are.
Instead of thinking, “I am different from them,” try saying, “They are different from me.” Anyone who is not on your same evolutionary and spiritual frequency will distance himself from you, while all those who are on the same evolutionary and spiritual frequency as you will come closer to you; you will see how amazing it is to discover that everyone who needs to be by your side will ultimately appear in your life in the most spontaneous and divine manner. That’s how powerful the mind is!

My intention in this book is not to dispense life lessons to other people. I simply wanted to talk about my own life and everything I have learned along the way. If my lessons serve anyone else, this gives me great joy. But the truth of the matter is that I did this for my children and for myself. There are people who may ask themselves why I decided to write a memoir at only age thirty-eight. Memoirs are normally written toward the end of one’s life, and one would hope that I still have many more years ahead of me. . . . The truth is, I feel that this is only the beginning. I have a whole new life ahead of me, and now that I am at a crossroads, I feel a deep need to stop and tell the world what I am made of. Now I realize that the most profound lessons in the world typically come in the simplest of ways. I had to see, suffer, enjoy, and live what I have lived to arrive at this place of understanding. And I want to share it with others, because I am deeply convinced that everyone can do the same. If they are willing.

Each and every one of us has to walk down his or her own spiritual path and go through his or her own karmic teachings to discover their best life possible. And for that I believe the first thing you have to do is to accept yourself and accept others. That is enough. You don’t have to say anything to anyone, but you also don’t have to live in the darkness. I hope that my life, and what I have written here, can serve as an example in some way. Even though my life is very particular, maybe a line or two will resonate for those who somehow feel different, whether it’s because of their religion, their immigration status, the simple fact of being a minority, or for living in a country where they cannot express themselves freely.

So I choose to scream to the world: Be happy! Do good! Be afraid of change, but don’t let that fear take over! And if you feel that no one loves you or accepts you, then stop and think about what I’ve told you here; you’ll see that it’s much easier than you think.

The great Irish poet Oscar Wilde once said: “A little sincerity is a dangerous thing; a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.” The word he uses is literally “fatal.” Wow, what a word. It makes me very sad to think that that was his experience with sincerity. I imagine he said it because he was afraid of being honest about his sexuality, especially because of the Victorian era in which he had to live. But today, in the twenty-first century, all I want is to be open and honest. It’s not easy—truth is relative and it takes time to reach it. One has to make a conscious effort, every day, to live life without fear and with total transparency. Even though I have gone through everything I went through to feel the way I do today, I hope that life will continue to bless me with moments in which I am dared to go even deeper to discover something new about myself. As Pablo Picasso said, it takes a long time to be young. He was right. It takes a long time to renounce the codes of society, your faith, the laws of your home, and the laws of your country. It takes a long time to throw out all those social codes that have limited who you are, based on what has been dictated to you.

It can take you an entire lifetime until you can start from zero all over again, without preconceptions, without prejudices, and without fear. But when you get there, and accept who you are, you can start each day by seeing it as it is: a divine paradise where everyone can imagine what they want and turn it into reality. Every day begins like a blank chalkboard, on which each one of us can write the poem of our present and our dreams for the future.

And just as I have so many people around me who constantly inspire me and feed my soul, I also have the good fortune of having a wonderful profession and a life through which I can influence other people. But I know that this privilege also comes with great responsibility. I have to be careful with what I say and do, as it is a position I accept with honor and respect.

With this book, I am somehow abandoning a part of my privacy. Although there are some details and moments that I will never tell—not because they involve something dark or perverse, but because they are personal memories that I prefer to keep to myself—throughout these pages I have shown myself exactly as I am, without censorship. The truth is never easy to pin down, especially when it is a matter of personal truth, which is why I will always continue on with my search, on my spiritual path, for the rest of my days. It is this constant search that will always bring about intense emotions. It teaches me to challenge myself, question myself, and always push forward. But the most important thing, and what inspires me most, is that this book can help to inspire other people to face their fears and push forward in their lives as well. And that is the greatest gift of all.