Me (28 page)

I would love to be able to know what it is that makes one person come out of the closet at the age of eighteen, and someone else at thirty-eight. In my case, I would have wanted it to happen sooner. But in order to find peace in the past, in that eternity that is enough to drive anyone crazy for the supposed “lost time,” I have decided to accept the simple fact that it was not my moment. It took me a long time to really believe that what people think of me is not my business, that it has nothing to do with me. And every day I work to incorporate that thought so that it may become a way of life. Thinking and believing that what people say about me shouldn’t be my problem has liberated me on many levels. I would be lying if I said the opinions of others have no importance in my life—of course they do—but I cannot let them define the way I see myself, making me feel less or more than what I am. What you think of me is not my reality, but instead your own. What you think of me simply isn’t my problem. I found my truth when I accepted and embraced who I genuinely am. I had to battle with fear and the need to hide in order to ultimately find acceptance and to be able to love myself once again. I had to struggle with denial, with self-hate, and with negotiating with God. . . . But everything changes, I have faith.

And be it because of cultural barriers, because of how my life unfolded, or any other number of factors that played into the equation, I was not ready until I was thirty-eight. Maybe I was working so hard that I didn’t even have the time to stop and think about what was really happening to me. Or maybe I wanted to hide it from myself for all that time simply because I didn’t have the spiritual tools to cope with the consequences of facing my own truth. Maybe I even had to battle against human trafficking to really comprehend the injustice of what it means to steal a part of someone’s life. Or maybe I had to go through the experience of being a father, to have my two beautiful angels, to be able to take a step back and understand that this is no longer just about me.

Whatever the reason may be—or maybe all of them—I am grateful for the path that has brought me to this moment, and am profoundly grateful to be who I am. My beliefs have given me enough strength that I feel protected enough to talk about this, which is a precious and beautiful thing. It is thanks to the life I have that I am who I am, that I have the children I have, and that I have the relationship with my parents I do. If I had written a letter in which I confessed to being a criminal, that I abuse women or abuse other human beings, it would be completely out of place for me to feel so happy and liberated. But my stance is based purely on love—on love, respect, and all of the gratitude I have for the extraordinary life I have led. What I feel is so full of love, of light, of such a magical and strong frequency, that I felt I had to share it. I wanted to tell the world how proud I am of the steps I have taken, which have allowed me to get to where I am today. I sincerely wish that everyone could live, at some moment in their own personal timeline, what I am living now. It is an incredible awakening, and I wish it for everyone. It goes without saying that I am not telling everyone to be gay, but I do believe that we all carry around unnecessary secrets, things we deny ourselves because we think they are wrong. Freeing myself of my own secrets and anxieties has given me something I previously didn’t know existed: emotions so strong and powerful, so transparent and amazing, that hopefully one day everyone will be able to feel what I am feeling.

To make decisions that represent significant change in one’s life, we must go through many processes of destabilization, and very often we opt to stay where we are most comfortable. And that’s how life goes on. But if we dare to embark on the most difficult option, we come to realize that what exists on the other side is a world of freedom, peace, and endless tranquillity.

One of the most extraordinary things about my experience has been the warmth I’ve received from everyone around me. I have received so many messages congratulating me and supporting my gesture, and that, to me, is a total blessing. If the subject of homosexuality is discussed around the dinner table under a different lens, that alone will make me happy. My intention in coming out was not necessarily to inspire anyone, but if on top of bringing me all the joy that it has, if my experience can serve someone else, that fills me with immense happiness. It is also a blessing to know that with my life I can benefit others, and I live that with great honor. I am proud to be who I am.

THE PUBLICATION OF THIS BOOK IS ANOTHER ONE OF
those moments that is going to help me grow and feel stronger. The process of writing has been arduous and fascinating, and there are so many things that, if it weren’t for having to put them down on paper, I might have never remembered. I made connections between events that at first glance seemed totally unrelated, only to discover that in reality they were intimately connected. I remembered, I felt, and I analyzed a lot. I discovered my own story and I fell in love with it. And maybe the most important thing is that the experience of writing this book gave me the strength and conviction that I needed to bring my truth to light. The process has been an intense exploration and acceptance, in which I have discovered myself as I truly am.

After everything that has happened—the good, the bad, the extraordinary, and the disastrous—I have finally achieved a life that is replete with light and love: I have two precious sons, a loving family, supportive friends, and an extraordinary career. And best of all, I have reached a level of peace and happiness I never even knew existed. I feel infinitely grateful to the universe, for the miraculous life I have had the great fortune to lead.

I AM OF the belief that happiness comes to those who have happy thoughts. In my mind and my heart I carry around many lovely memories that I am convinced fill my life with light, as well as with many other good things.

A very wise musician one told me:

“Drums are the manifestation of the energy and souls of our ancestors. Before, when there was slavery, the only way the slaves were allowed to express themselves was through their drums. So it’s as if all those spirits that have passed away get to come back to life every time they hear a drum beating. And since they cannot dance, they enter your body and manifest themselves through your being, through you.”

It is a beautiful belief and I feel that I lived it fully when I attended Carnival in Rio de Janeiro a few years ago. I had the chance to attend a parade at the Sambódromo, with one of the samba schools, and at one point during the musical rehearsals I was surrounded by five hundred drums, all beating at once. If just one drum can make you feel the power of rhythm, music, and life and you can’t resist the urge to dance—imagine what it’s like with five hundred drums! It was one of the most electrifying things I have ever felt in my life. For an instant you separate from your body, you let yourself be carried by the pulsating sounds, and in that moment you cease to be physical and enter the realm of the spiritual.

So if the drums are truly the manifestation of my ancestors, I can rest assured that my ancestors are with me now, because I am never too far from a beating drum!

I love that story. Because in the Afro-Antillean music of Puerto Rico—be it in candomblé, in samba, in salsa, in Native American music, or in guaguancó—drums are always present. Most religious ceremonies have drums. And this is because music has the power to liberate the mind and the spirit; it has the power to make you feel life at its most basic and natural form of expression. Music is a liberating force. Music is magical. Thanks to the fact that my life is always overflowing with music, I know I will always have a unique and fortunate existence.

And for this, I am extremely grateful.

I wrote this book while recording my sixth Spanish studio album. I had the privilege of working again with Desmond Child, and it has once again been a pleasure to feel his sense of structure, his calm, and the firmness with which he guides me throughout the creative process. The recording of an album, much like the writing of a book, is a very intimate experience. You have to sit and think, feel and allow the silence to bring about ideas that will eventually turn into sounds and words. Sometimes I start by humming a few loose notes that become a melody, and then a couple of words start to emerge. So I hold on to those words. I play with them. I toss and turn them around and start to piece them together like a puzzle. Slowly, full sentences start to appear, along with verses and stories, until they finally become something coherent, structured, something that conveys an idea or a feeling that I had never yet been able to put into words. When I start writing a song, I don’t always know where it’s going to go, and most of the time it takes me somewhere unexpected. A path of discovery.

The same is true for this book.

Like most of my albums, my latest is autobiographical, and it touches upon several different aspects of my life. The life I have, but also the life I want. It is a very honest and transparent record that is undoubtedly born from the renewed sense of strength I feel pulsing inside me. I have so much to say, so much to share, that I can’t wait to send it out into the world and see how it will connect with the audience, with all these souls who listen to my music. I want to go on tour, get up onstage and feel the audience’s energy. When I’m onstage, the audience fills me on such a visceral level, igniting me in the most powerful manner. I am happy to see how this whole process has come to be, and deep inside I know that all the days, months, and years I have ahead of me will, without a doubt, be extraordinary; I cannot wait to get there.

If there is one lesson I’ve learned lately, it’s the importance of telling the universe what you want. If I want something in my life, if I want something in my career, or for my children or in my relationships, I have to tell it to the universe so it can become a reality. If I don’t have it in my mind, if I don’t absorb it and incorporate it into my life as a viable reality and not just a theoretical one, chances are it will never be actualized. I have to throw myself into the world, searching for what I want, dreaming of it, and not sitting around doing nothing, waiting for it to land at my feet like some kind of miracle.

This is very true, especially when it comes to love. You have to search for love. You have to believe in it. You have to ask the universe for exactly what you want to call to your life. But most of all, you have to be patient.

There are people in my life who have marked me very intensely. Every relationship I’ve been in has brought something that makes it unique and special. While one relationship might have been all about the wonderful conversations we had, everything we learned and the high level of understanding and compatibility when it came to our perspective on life, another relationship may have had more to do with the physical connection, the kind of thing that sweeps you away on a totally visceral level. Other relationships may have been more about the tenderness, the sweetness of feeling loved, taken care of and protected. . . . Whatever the case may be, no matter how difficult or torturous any of my relationships may have been in the past, I adamantly believe that true love exists. I don’t know if I have already met my true love or if we are both still getting ready for the moment when we will meet. We may already know each other, we may have already been together, or perhaps we still have some steps to take before we come together. Whatever it is, all I can say is that I do know—and I know it, because in my life I ask the world for what I want—that there is a perfect person for me in the universe, and whether it takes me years, months, or days to discover him, or to realize that he is already here.

I have a very clear image in my mind of what perfect love is. Many people say to me, “But there’s no such thing as perfect love....” I don’t care what they say; I’m a romantic! And I do believe in perfect love. I believe love never hurts. I believe love is trust, peace, calm, confidence; being playful and mischievous. In other words, for me love is freedom . . . and that is what the universe has for me. And with every step I take in my personal growth and on my spiritual path, I am getting closer. Step by step.

Regardless of what may happen in my love life, I already possess the most beautiful love of all—the love of being a father. Matteo and Valentino have brought such a powerful dimension of light, transparency, and unimaginable beauty into my life. Without knowing it, my two boys have taught me how to go far beyond my limits, and for that I will always be grateful. We often hear about the gratitude that children feel toward their parents, and even though that is very real and important, I think there is a lot to be said about the gratitude that we parents should feel toward our children, because in moments of confusion, anguish, and even joy, they are the ones who show us the way through the very love that we feel for them.

Everything I do in my life I do for them. I also do it for myself, of course, but ever since they have been in my life, I see everything in a new light. The love I feel for them is so pure, so instinctive, and so real that everything else pales in comparison. My music and my struggle against human trafficking, the importance of maintaining my spiritual north, the importance of being honest with the world . . . absolutely everything has to do with them and giving everything I can give them, and making them proud. What before seemed like an option or an alternative is now a necessity. They are my inspiration, and it is for them that I struggle to do my part to improve, because I don’t want them to inherit the problems that my generation has had to battle. I want them to have the best life possible, an existence that is even more glorious and extraordinary than my own.

IN LIFE, EVERYTHING that is good, everything that is really worthwhile, requires sacrifice. It doesn’t matter if it is big or small—the fact is that we must go through countless challenges and very uncomfortable, scary moments that may bring about a great deal of suffering. But at the end of the day, when we come out on the other side, we realize that we are better than we have ever been before. It is like the process of giving birth. They say there is nothing more painful in the world than giving birth to a baby. A woman must face inhuman pain during which she may feel that she can’t take it anymore, that she can’t bear it anymore, that she is going to die. There is a blend of anguish, fear, and dread that something will go wrong. . . . It is an extreme moment. But ultimately she gets through the pain, she survives, and on the other side of it appears the most beautiful gift one can ever receive—the gift of life . . . and from what I have been told, the moment she holds her baby for the very first time, the pain becomes a distant thought, completely irrelevant, in comparison to the love she feels for her child.