Me Without You (19 page)

I put my arm around Lilah’s shoulder and squeezed gently.

‘It is beautiful. You two are certifiably crazy, but your tree is definitely beautiful.’

L
ilah
and I weren’t really the gift-buying type of couple. After the disastrous shoe incident, I hadn’t dared attempt a gift, and she’d never bought me anything either.

It made Christmas all the more challenging.

We hadn’t discussed it, and initially I hoped that Lilah’s dislike of all things wasteful might let me off the hook. But as I watched the hype build around Christmas over the first few days at Gosford, I realised that wasn’t going to be the case, and I had no idea what to get her.

Peta called around to pick up some fruit for gifts for her last few students of the year, late one afternoon when Lilah was working in the study. As we packed stone fruit into cane baskets, I asked her for some ideas, but Peta was equally clueless.

‘I bought her a scarf. An angora scarf,’ she informed me.

‘Isn’t angora animal fur?’

‘It the hair of a beautiful rabbit native to China,’ Peta explained. ‘Sometimes they rip the hair out while the little bunnies scream for mercy. But it’s an insanely soft fur and it makes just divine clothing.’

‘But… why would you buy that for Lilah?’ Even if it was a joke, I couldn’t imagine Lilah being amused.

‘Because Lilah is going to buy me a series of vegan cookbooks or vegetable juicer or a large donation to some environmental charity.’

‘So…’

‘So we do this every year. We buy each other elaborate and expensive gifts we would like to receive ourselves. And then we exchange the gifts, act delighted, and quietly swap them before the day is out.’

‘You are the strangest mother and daughter I’ve ever met.’

‘You’ll get used to us. Buy her an engagement ring—she’d love it.’

‘Yeah,’ I half-laughed, but the idea had crossed my mind a few million times. ‘I’m sure she would.’ I had visions of her shot-putting a jewellery box over the deck and into the ocean on Christmas morning. ‘What about some other jewellery—some earrings maybe or a necklace?’

‘Absolutely,’ her sarcasm was thick. ‘That’s a great idea, Callum; give the woman who spends half her life fighting the mining industry the products of it for your first Christmas with her. You could gift-wrap it in the skin of an endangered rhino. The jewellery she wears is made from renewable materials. If it’s not, you can be sure she inherited it from my mother.’

‘
Help
me then, Peta. What would she like?’

‘Well, I don’t really think I
can
help you. I mean, seriously, I’ve given up trying to please her. Every year I used to put a whole lot of effort in and she’d end up hating what I bought anyway. This new system works much better.’ At my pleading gaze, she sighed. ‘She won’t like most of your typical gadgetry or novelty gifts. No, I think you need to go with something thoughtful.’

‘Like?’

‘You’re the one trying to be thoughtful; you’ll have to think of it yourself.’

‘Thanks, Peta. You were a great help.’ I shouldn’t have been surprised.

And with only a few days left to Christmas, I was out of time and options. I’d either have to head back into Sydney for a day, or try to find something in Gosford.

‘
G
oing out for a while
!’ I was already at the door the next afternoon, keys in hand.

‘Where to?’ Lilah called back from the study.

I mumbled something about groceries and made a mercy dash for the car, then headed away from the house. I didn’t really have a plan; I was hoping that now that the pressure was really on, my brain would suddenly kick in and I’d get a brilliant idea.

I parked at Gosford and for the next two hours I wandered the shopping centre looking for something suitable. Evaluating potential gifts through Lilah’s eyes was frightening. I could almost hear her commentary in my mind,
so much waste! It’s all feeding the corporate machine! The horror!
And yet, knowing that magical, dream-like quality that leapt into Lilah’s eyes whenever she passed that silly Christmas tree, I knew the holiday still had real significance for her.

I
had
to find something.

I knew she’d notice my absence soon, and so I picked up some soy milk to back up my lame excuse about groceries and told myself I could always come back the next day. Defeated, I headed back to the car, idly browsing window displays as I went. The sparkling gems in a jeweller’s window caught my eye, and I stood for several minutes, trying to think how I could justify such a purchase.

But… how could you buy me this? Don’t you know me at all?
inner Lilah would gasp in my mind.

I want you to have something beautiful. And it was already out of the ground when I found it
, I tried to argue.
I want to spoil you. Can’t you just enjoy it to make the damage the mining did worthwhile?

No way would she buy into that idea—but, regardless, I had to get her something. I stepped inside.

‘
M
erry Christmas
, Callum.’

She was excited. I could hear it in her voice before I opened my eyes. When I did open them, I could see she was lying right beside me, propped up on one elbow with a cheeky grin on her face. I kissed her and sank back onto the pillows.

‘Didn’t you get me a sleep-in for Christmas?’

‘No time for sleeping in today. We have to help Leon set up the marquee and I want to give you your present before we go.’

‘Ah, okay.’

She leapt out of bed and bounded towards the kitchen. I sat up and stretched, then followed her in my boxer shorts. She was sitting under the tree, surrounded by rectangular presents. When we went to bed the previous night, only three small gifts had been there: one from Lilah for Peta, and two boxes of gourmet chocolates I’d found for Leon and Nancy.

‘Did Santa visit?’ I asked her, confused.

‘Call me Mrs Claus.’ She passed a rectangular package towards me and I sat slowly beside her.

‘I only got you one thing, Ly.’

‘This is only one thing,’ she assured me, but I could see at least ten parcels. ‘It’s a set.’

‘I hope this wrapping paper is recyclable.’

‘Of course it is,’ she sighed impatiently.’ If you must know, it’s both recycled
and
recyclable. Now open the damn presents.’

I knew from the weight and feel of the gift that it was a book. As I tore back the brightly covered paper I caught sight of a logo I recognised.

The Lonely Planet Guide to France
.

There was one for a country on every continent, along with a book on marathon training, a renovation encyclopaedia and a photography manual. When I opened the last, she clapped her hands and informed me with obvious delight, ‘You might still have a million excuses but I took at least one away—now you have the
how to
guide for everything you ever wanted to do.’

I paused, the display of books all around me. I looked from the books to Lilah’s twinkling blue eyes and felt a swell of emotion stir within my chest.

‘Cal?’ She was suddenly worried and rose to sit somewhat awkwardly on my lap. ‘I’m sorry if you don’t like—’

‘I love them. I love it.’ I didn’t know how to explain myself. There was a promise to her gifts, an unspoken hint to our future together. I could see us visiting Ed in Paris and reminiscing about her last disastrous visit, or running a marathon together. I’d finish hours before her, but that’d be even better, because then I could be waiting for her at the finish line. She had reanimated me, and in the process she’d reminded me of the dreams I’d put down when I picked up my career. I pulled her close, buried my face in her hair and shut my eyes. ‘I don’t think anyone has ever known me like you do, that’s all.’

She relaxed and returned my embrace.

‘Phew!’ Lilah said. ‘You had me worried for a minute. Do you want a coffee?’

‘I’d love one. But not until you open
your
gift.’ The receiving was a mere afterthought for Lilah in the gift-giving equation. She looked under the tree and then back to me.

‘Where is it?’

‘I hid it.’ I kissed her forehead as I rose to return to our bedroom. The tiny gift box was hidden in my toiletries bag. ‘I didn’t want you peaking.’

When I returned with the tiny box in my hand, I saw the panic. I noticed the way her gaze narrowed and her shoulders bunched. I watched as the suspicion wound its way along her body and caused such a deep tension within her that her toes curled beneath her feet.

I grinned and passed her the box.

‘Settle down, Lilah. It’s not going to bite you.’

She shot me a warning glance and tore into the wrapping paper.

‘
This
better be recyclable paper,’ she warned me.

‘Of course it is. Not sure that it’s recycled
and
recyclable, but it’s definitely one or the other.’

The grey jewellery box she uncovered did nothing to allay her fears. She paused.

‘Callum.’

‘You could fit a lot of things in a box that size,’ I pointed out.

‘Callum—’

‘Just open the bloody box, Lilah.’

She sighed and cracked it open.

‘Oh.’

‘Now, I know you might already know this, but mining gold is disastrous to the environment,’ I gently mocked her as she lifted the necklace from the case. ‘Apparently to produce that pendant and chain would have created fifteen tonnes of mining waste, not to mention a bunch of nasty chemicals released into the environment in the process. Which is why
this
particular necklace is handcrafted from 100% recycled gold. The sapphires were mined ethically right here in New South Wales, and the diamond in the middle is recycled too. It’s actually an heirloom. Apparently.’ I reached down and carefully pulled the necklace from its cradle and moved to sit it on her neck. ‘Two crazy young kids fell in love in the late thirties. They got married and had two nights together before he was sent off to war. There was no time for rings, or a reception, or any of the fanfare—but he promised he’d make it up to her when he came back. Little did they know he wouldn’t come back—but he had left her with a son. And when the son grew up, he bought
this
diamond and had it set in a ring for his mother, to honour his father’s promise. And then of course, time went on and the mother passed away and the son didn’t ever marry so when he passed away too, the ring found its way back to the jewellery store.’

‘That’s beautiful,’ she whispered, her hands fluttering to her neck to gently touch the pendant.

‘The designer works only with ethical and environmentally friendly jewellery and she designed the piece with the history of the diamond in mind, whatever the hell that means.’ I fastened the clasp and gently kissed her neck before I dropped her hair back over it. ‘I just wanted you to have something beautiful. And something that you wouldn’t hurl over the cliff in a fit of rage.’

‘I’m not that hard to please, am I?’ She turned to me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I kissed her and smiled against her lips.

‘You are a massive pain in the backside almost all of the time.’

We rested our foreheads together.

‘Merry Christmas, Callum.’

‘Merry Christmas, Lilah.’

I
t was
tradition for Leon and Nancy to host their family for Christmas Day lunch, and Peta and Lilah usually joined in. This year, for the first time, all of the grandchildren were coming, and there was magic in the air. Even though I’d not really celebrated Christmas in at least a decade, I felt the excitement and the joy of it.

Nancy was glowing, at least in part from the exertion and heat in her kitchen. When we arrived, Leon took us straight to her to see the spectacle.

‘She’s been up cooking since four a.m.,’ he told us. ‘Crazy old woman she is.’

‘You won’t be complaining when you taste these potatoes later.’

‘I wouldn’t dare. Just don’t skimp on the butter for mine. Give me Lilah’s share.’

‘I’ll decide about butter rations when I see the job you two do on the marquee.’

Leon motioned towards the door.

‘I think that’s our marching orders, Callum.’’

‘I’ll help too,’ Lilah offered. The necklace was around her neck, and she kept touching it and smiling. Given how difficult buying for her had been, I was pretty sure I’d nailed it in the end.

‘Lilah, if he wanted a tiny vegetable-powered munchkin to help, he’d have enlisted one of the chickens.’

Lilah slapped me playfully and I winked at her as I followed Leon out of the stifling hot kitchen. The marquee had been constructed by a hire company the previous afternoon, two interconnecting spaces in an L-shape, with enough room for all of us to sit comfortably and an open space for the children to play. An industrial air conditioner fitted in at one end and was already pumping cool air inside. It was a cloudless day so it would be scorchingly hot—a typical Australian Christmas.

Leon and I set up two long tables parallel in one wing of the marquee then placed chairs all around them. We hung tinsel around the plastic windows and set wine glasses at the adult seats and coloured plastic cups for the children. There was a packet of red and green balloons, half of which I fully inflated and left on the ground in the open space. The other half I inflated to varying sizes and stuck to one of the plain white walls of the marquee, so that they looked like bubbles rising. Peta arrived as I was finishing.

‘Well, aren’t you man of the hour?’ she remarked. ‘I can’t think of the last time I saw my daughter look so chuffed. Good thing you ignored me and bought her jewellery anyway.’

‘It’s not ordinary jewellery, though. It’s Lilah-friendly environmental, ecological hippy jewellery.’

‘She told me. Sounds to me like it’s a marketing ploy to trick you into paying premium price for second-hand shit. I would have thought you of all people would have seen through that,’ Peta laughed. ‘I’ll give you one thing, though: the marquee look fabulous.’

‘Thanks, Peta.’

‘We’re missing music, though. Let’s get some carols happening!’