Me Without You (21 page)

I
’d questioned
and prodded Lilah about the tension with her mother on Christmas Day. It was like a cloud had settled over Lilah’s head, and I had no idea what to do about it.

She was resting a lot, which I suppose was what I’d wanted her to do for a long time, but this was not what I’d pictured. I’d imagined her reading books on the couch with the sea breeze blowing and a contented smile on her face. Instead, she was sitting in the study, staring at her computer for hours on end. When I asked her if she was okay or if she wanted to do something with me, she’d snap. The fierce temper was cocked and ready to fire, simmering just below the surface all of the time.

But she still came to bed at night and still cuddled up to me like she always had. I knew Lilah was upset about something—but it seemed that the
something
wasn’t me. I actually thought I understood because, for all of Peta’s quirks, she and Lilah were particularly close, and I could easily imagine any rift between them causing Lilah angst. It seemed my suspicions were confirmed when I overheard her on the phone to Peta one evening when I was returning to the house from a walk.

‘…I just want to be alone with Callum right now, okay?’

Her hushed whisper carried in the dusk stillness, and I slammed the door extra loud so she knew that I was home. She hung up her phone and growled, and I tried again to prompt her to vent. ‘Maybe you’ll feel better if you talk about it, Ly?’

‘Callum,’ the growl returned, this time directed at me, ‘I don’t want to fucking talk about it. I will let you know if I change my mind. Can you please stop asking me?’

‘If that’s what you want,’ I sighed. ‘I care about you, so when I see you’re unhappy, I want to help. I’m sorry if that annoys you.’

I braced myself for the impact of her anger, and was surprised when her expression twisted. Her breaths were heavy and tight. She was struggling to contain herself, but instead of anger, there was agony in her eyes.

‘I just need some time to myself. I have a lot to think about.’

There was the faintest ripple of unease somewhere very deep inside me. It was something about the slump of her shoulders, the confused pain I could see in her, the way she was holding herself back from me. It seems naive looking back, but I brushed the thoughts away as soon as they arose. I was so sure I’d found my happy ending, and so confident in the bond between Lilah and I. If something was seriously wrong, Lilah would tell me when she was ready, and we’d work through it together. In fact, even if I was right and her strange withdrawal was just related to a fight with her mother, she’d tell me about that soon enough too.

‘I’m trying to give you space,’ I said, as gently as I could.

‘You are. I know. I appreciate it.’

‘If you need anything, I’m here for you.’

Lilah swallowed and walked slowly closer to brush a kiss against my cheek.

‘I know.’

But she walked past me, out of the kitchen out to the deck. After a while I uncorked a bottle of wine and followed her. I silently poured her a glass and sat beside her.

We sat that way for a long time until well after it was completely dark. Without speaking a word, Lilah finally took my hand and led me down the stairs to the patch of grass between the house and the cliff face.

She lifted her head to stare at the sky. I looked up too.

‘See,’ she murmured. ‘No light pollution. You only see it for what it is when there’s no city haze over your view.’

It seemed every time I looked up at the night sky I realised there was more to see. Lilah was right; the night vista we could see from the Gosford property was beyond compare. We stood there for a while, until a distant shooting star flashed over the ocean. Was there some folklore about making a wish on a shooting star? I wasn’t sure, but I made one anyway.

When I looked back down to her a few moments later, Lilah’s star-lit expression was calm and I felt like whatever had been going on, the worst of it had surely passed.

T
he remaining days
before New Year were different again. Lilah was still spending a lot of time on her own, but the anger seemed to have passed. She had space for me now, and although it was often in silence, she’d sit with me while I read or help me as I did jobs for Nancy and Leon in the garden. I thought she was healing. I thought it was only a matter of time before she explained.

‘It’s your birthday tomorrow.’ Lilah’s sing-song reminder was almost a surprise when it came. I suppose I’d been aware that the date was drawing near, but it wasn’t a priority. I was distracted by the tension of the days that had passed, and focussed only on her and our break together. Turning another year older seemed a minor detail.

‘Yep.’

‘You don’t seem very excited. You’re forty tomorrow, you know.’

‘I’m well aware of that,’ I laughed and rose from the breakfast bar where I’d been reading a book and eating my breakfast. I rinsed my dishes in the sink and headed for the front door.

‘I’ve organised a surprise.’

‘Really no need, Lilah. I’m not interested in celebrating it,’ I said as I picked my hat up off the hallstand and pulled it onto my head. I was secretly pleased though—not so much with the surprise, but with the happiness in her voice.

‘Are you having a mid-life crisis instead?’ Lilah called after me.

‘Isn’t that what this holiday is all about?’ I called back, and let the door slam behind me as I went to do some weeding.

I
woke
on my birthday to find Lilah in the kitchen frying bacon.

‘Oh, dear God. You’ve lost your mind.’ I was stunned.

‘Happy birthday, Callum.’

‘Bacon? You?’

‘And eggs. I’m not going to eat them, of course. But you can.’

I stood behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist.

‘What an unexpected treat.’

‘Yes. I would hope so,’ she grimaced as she turned the sizzling meat over. ‘Did you sleep well?’

‘I did indeed.’

‘Good. It’s going to be a long day.’

‘Oh?’

‘I have a surprise for you tonight.’ She twisted to kiss my cheek.

‘I have to wait until tonight?’

‘Yep.’

‘What if I can’t wait?’

Lilah shrugged. ‘Too bloody bad.’

N
ancy had asked
me to turn the dirt over in part of the garden to prepare it for planting. The area was shaded by the shadow of the house in the morning, so after breakfast I spent a few hours getting my hands dirty. It was nearly forty degrees by the time the sun was high in the sky and after a quick shower I set myself up under the fan in the living room with my
Lonely Planet
guides and an icy drink. Lilah had been cooking all day, and I had realised with some amusement that she’d planned some kind of dinner for me.

Just after four, she disappeared into the bedroom. I yawned, stretched and followed her.

‘So, what’s the plan?’

‘Plan?’ Her tone was light, teasing. There was a blue cocktail gown on the bed, and the necklace I’d given her for Christmas beside it. I raised my eyebrows.

‘You are going to look amazing in that.’

‘I do,’ she confirmed. ‘You’d better get dressed, we need to leave soon.’

‘Leave?’ Given all the cooking, I had assumed we were eating in.

‘You heard me. Wear something fancy.’

‘I didn’t bring anything fancy.’

‘Then take a bloody shower and wear something clean,’ she laughed.

I
realised pretty quickly
that we were headed back to the city. Lilah had packed the back seat of the car with a small esky and a box containing a few bottles of wine. She insisted on driving, and was chatting away as the car headed south, blatantly ignoring my questions as to what exactly we were doing.

The CBD of Sydney is a nightmare on New Year’s Eve. Over a million people crowd the shorelines of the harbour to see the fireworks, and traffic was gridlocked even at five thirty in the afternoon. It took us forty minutes to find our way to Lilah’s building.

‘We’re going to your office?’ I laughed. ‘I’ve just guessed your plan. You’re going to sit me at the back of a meeting room with the wine and food to entertain myself while you have a meeting.’

Her smile was sly. She pressed a remote-control gadget on her key ring and the underground basement roller door opened. Beside the elevator door was a parking space with her name on it. She parked the car and pointed to the back seat.

‘I hope you brought your muscles.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘We’ve got a bit of a hike ahead of us and you need to carry the wine.’

W
e joined
the masses of revellers on the streets. Lilah pointed me towards Circular Quay, only a few hundred metres away, and we walked slowly towards the harbour. She was wearing strappy sandals with a small heel, and before we’d even left the block she stopped, sat on the esky and silently removed them.

I laughed.

‘I’m sorry, Callum. I know it’s your birthday and I really did mean to wear them all night, but…’

‘It’s fine.’ I grinned. ‘I might even be used to it.’

She looked at me in surprise, then slipped her sandals into her handbag and continued towards Circular Quay. When we neared the ferry wharf, she headed right instead, walking towards the eastern side of the quay beside the Opera House. The crowd was incredibly thick, barely moving as people lined up hoping to find a place within reserved shorefront areas to watch the later fireworks over the harbour. There were children so excited that they bounced beside their parents as if they were standing on trampolines instead of cement, and teenagers trying very hard to look casual. And in the midst of all of the youth and excitement stood adults, trying harder to play it cool, but even they carried a smile on their lips and a light in their eyes.

I loved the city, and I loved the way it partied at New Year. It was all of the joy at Leon and Nancy’s Christmas dinner, on a city-wide scale.

I still had no idea what Lilah was up to, until she pointed to a water taxi stand.

‘Intriguing.’

The taxi skipper helped us into his small boat and Lilah quietly murmured to him our destination. We headed out into the harbour, making a beeline for North Sydney on the other side of the Harbour Bridge. It was still warm, but the water taxi was such a small craft that it provided almost no protection from the wind as we moved, offering a slightly bruising relief. Thousands of vessels were already on the water, jostling for the best vantage spots for the famous fireworks display, and the taxi darted here and there to avoid them.

‘What
are
you up to?’ I asked Lilah. ‘I didn’t think you’d be one for the fireworks. If the expense doesn’t mortify you, surely the resulting smoke does.’

‘Tonight isn’t about me,’ she said with a shrug. ‘It didn’t seem fair to have you turn forty, on New Year’s Eve no less, sitting on a farm eating rabbit food with me.’

‘That would have been absolutely fine. Divine almost.’

She shook her head. ‘I thought of something better.’

The water taxi docked at the wharf at North Sydney. Once we had alighted, Lilah pointed to another craft further along it.

The boat was small, a luxurious but tiny flat-bottomed pontoon with a circle of padded leather chairs along the rear. A woman in a uniform was waiting on the wharf, a man in casual clothes seated up the front beside the steering wheel. A small table was in the middle, and beside it an open box of ice, waiting for our wine.

‘Bloody hell,’ I whistled. ‘That’s amazing. How did you organise this?’

‘Personal favour from the owner,’ the skipper said as she took the esky from Lilah and kissed her cheek. ‘Happy New Year.’

‘Callum, this is Paige; Paige, meet Callum.’

‘That’s some favour,’ I said. ‘Lovely to meet you, Paige.’

‘Lilah and my boss went to uni together,’ Paige informed me. She took the box out of my hands and climbed down into the vessel to sit the wine in the cooler.

‘He’s also an old client from my commercial days. I helped him out with some legal issues a few years ago. He owed me big time; I thought it was a good chance to call it in,’ Lilah said. ‘Do you like it?’

‘This is amazing,’ I said, and I pulled her close for a kiss. ‘I can’t believe you did this for me.’

‘I even cooked you more meat,’ she said, grimacing. ‘So you’d better bloody appreciate it.’

‘I do,’ I said, and I looked at the boat and the harbour again and shook my head. ‘You’re a marvel.’

‘I’m nothing if not well connected,’ she agreed.

‘This is my partner, Lewis.’ Paige informed us, and the young man on the boat waved and called back a greeting. ‘I hope you don’t mind; he’s going to sit up front and keep me company.’

‘I cooked enough for you two as well,’ Lilah said. She squeezed my hand and stepped cautiously forward onto the pontoon. ‘Let’s go! I want to see the harbour before we have to line up and wait for the fireworks.’

W
e spent
the next hours darting here and there over the harbour, waving to party-goers on other vessels, eating the picnic Lilah had prepared, drinking the wines she’d arranged. Paige and Lewis kept to themselves for the most part, occasionally pointing out interesting landmarks or vessels, or joining us to eat before returning to the front of the boat.

‘I spent New Year on the harbour when I was at uni,’ I told Lilah. The sun was starting to set and the bite had gone from its rays, leaving only the golden glow of the impending dusk. All around us, party boats and smaller crafts were alive with the sound of celebrations. There was something remarkable about New Year on Sydney Harbour. As one of the first places in the world to see in the new day, it was always a massive event. ‘I wasn’t on a boat this plush; it was actually one of those nasty seafood buffet jobs, an all-you-can-eat-and-drink deal. One of my friends vomited on me.’ It had been a girlfriend actually, but I couldn’t remember her name, only the red wine stain on the front of my shirt.

‘Classy,’ Lilah chuckled.