Meant to Be (11 page)

“But not always?”

“Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm totally freaked, like having an honest-to-goodness panic attack, where my heart is racing and I'm sweating, and I feel absolutely certain that she's going to die from this. So I pray really, really hard, and I try to have strong faith and to believe that she's going to be healed. And then I feel better. But sometimes I feel like a yo-yo. It's a real up and down kind ofthing.”

We talk about it some more once we're inside the Paradiso, and Matthew asks good questions. I open up more than usual, and I'm actually surprised at how good it feels to let some of this stuff out.

“It's like I've been suppressing some things,” I finally say. “Like whenever I bring anything about my mom up to Natalie, she tells me to have more faith, to pray harder. And I know my dad doesn't want to talk about it. He gets really bummed if I bring up Mom's health or ask a question about a doctor's appointment. And since I hate seeing him like that, well, I just don't talk to him about it much.”

Matthew nods. “You can talk to me about it— anytime, Kim.”

“Thanks. But the fact is, I get kind of bummed talking about it too. I mean, who knows what's going to
happen? She really could get well, you know. God does do miracles.”

Then I tell him about Nat's desperate prayer for a Christian boyfriend, going into far more comedic detail than I really should, and we both end up laughing so hard that we're crying, and I actually have to use the restroom for fear of wetting my pants.

“Okay,” I finally say after I come back to the table. “You must promise me, swear to me, that you will never let on to Nat that I told you about this. It was so wrong. She's my best friend, and I just made her sound like the village idiot. So wrong.

He nods. “Yeah, but it was so funny”

“But you promise?”

“Of course, Kim. My lips are sealed.”

And so I've come to the conclusion that the reason I really like being with Matthew is because he gets me. He totally gets me. Okay, it doesn't hurt that he looks like one of my favorite actors—Ashton Kutcher—or that he's a good kisser. But even without those surface things, I would still like him. Sure, it might be nice if he was a Christian, but that could happen. Even without being saved, he has a really good heart. And naturally, I am praying for him.

And I can tell that he feels something is missing in his life, whether or not he can admit it himself. I really believe that you can't rush these things anyway. I mean, there was no way I could've come to God any sooner than I did. So why would I expect more of
Matthew? I think patience is the key here.

On another note, I've decided that it's time for me to start doing my own laundry. I plan to bring it up to Mom tomorrow. I need to do it in such a way that I don't offend her. Or maybe she'll just be relieved. Okay, I know it's a pretty small step for most people, but I don't even know how to turn on the washing machine. I wonder if it has a manual or something I can read first.

Note to self: When it comes to doing laundry, less is more.

Now for my laundry rules:

1. 1) Do not overload the machine.
   

2. 2) Do not put in “extra” soap.
   

3. 3) If you fail to follow instructions one and two, make sure you have a mop and bucket handy.
   

4. 4) Do not let Mom know what a mess you made. Well, at least the laundry room was squeaky clean by the time I got finished—more than six hours after I started! Hopefully next time will go a little smoother.
   

I gave Matthew a Valentine's Day card and chocolate heart today. He gave me a red rose. Very romantic. I can't believe how fun it was having a boyfriend on this silly holiday. And I wasn't the only one.

“Ben got me a Valentine,” Natalie told me when I ran into her on my way to art.

“That's cool,” I said. “So did Matthew.”

She kind of frowned then, and I knew it was her disapproving scowl for the fact that I'm hooking up with a heathen. What could I say?

“I hope you're being careful, Kim.”

“What does that mean, Nat?” I looked up at her, realizing how her height combined with her disapproval can be a little overwhelming sometimes. But then I should be used to her, right? “Like am I looking both ways before I cross the street? Flossing regularly? What is it you're trying to say?”

“You know what I mean.”

I shrugged and tried to look dumb. “Not exactly, Nat. I mean, I am by nature a pretty careful person.” Then I glanced at my watch. “I gotta go or I'll be late.”

But I was feeling pretty steamed as I went to art. What right does she have to judge me? Who died and made her God anyway? Sometimes I feel like I'm living out a scene from that movie she got so upset over. But then I remind myself that I really do love Natalie, warts and all.

Besides, I know that God expects us to forgive others—seventy times seven, which I've heard is supposed to represent eternity. So there you have it. Nat offends me, and I forgive her again and again and again. I guess that's the reason I picked this particular letter to answer today.

Whoo-hoo! I just had the best weekend ever! On Saturday (which just happened to be my seventeenth birthday), Matthew and I went snowboarding together, and it was totally awesome. We had to get up really early, and I drove my Jeep since its better on snow than Matthews old pickup. And when we got up there, the sun was shining and the snow was perfect and we had the greatest time riding all day. I packed us a lunch and a thermos of hot cocoa (to save money and time so we didn't have to wait in the cafeteria line to eat), and as a result we spent every minute possible on the slopes.

Then after the last ride, we loaded up our stuff and headed to the nearby town and ate at this old-fashioned burger joint (Matthews treat). All in all, it was a very cool birthday, and I'd have to say its the best date I've ever had in my life.

However, as my dad would say, there was a fly in the ointment (which means that while everything was generally great, one little thing went wrong), and now that I'm home, I'm thinking it was a rather big and nasty fly at that. Here's what happened. We'd just finished our picnic lunch, and I went to use the restroom when I ran into someone from school.

“Rm Peterson!” a slightly familiar voice said as I washed my hands at the sink.

I looked into the mirror to see that Torrey Barnes was standing at the sink right next to me. ‘Torrey,” I said in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

She laughed. “Probably the same thing as you.” Then she looked down at my snowboard boots. “Well, actually I'm a skier, not a boarder. Although I've been thinking about trying it out.”

“You should,” I told her as I dried my hands. “I gave up skling for boarding after just one day.”

She nodded as she applied some lip gloss. “Yeah, I hear it's pretty fun, but my parents are die-hard skiers, and they keep discouraging me from going over to the other side.”

“Hey, I've missed you at youth group lately.” I fished around in my pocket for my tube of Chapstick.

She sighed loudly. “Yeah, I've kind of missed going to youth group too. But I sort of needed some space, you know what I mean?”

I nodded, thinking about her breakup with Ben. “I guess it's probably hard at first.”

Then she looked at me more closely. “You're really good friends with Natalie McCabe, aren't you?”

“Yeah…” Now I considered adding, “I used to be…before she started dating your ex,” but fortunately I had the good sense not to say this. But it is true that I've seen a lot less of Nat since she started going out with Ben.

“I was just thinking maybe you should, uh, warn her…” Then she stopped as if she wasn't sure whether to continue or not.

“Warn her?”

Torrey pressed her lips together as if reconsidering.

“Warn her about what?” I persisted.

“Maybe I shouldn't say anything. I mean, it could be taken as gossip, although I'm not sure that it's actually gossip when someone shares firsthand knowledge.

“What do you mean?” Okay, gossip or no gossip, I was getting pretty curious now.

“Well, it's about Ben. He's really a pretty nice guy, and I guess I just thought that because he was a Christian, well…” Then she gets close enough to whisper in my ear, telling me that Ben isn't as good a Christian as he may appear to be. “He's just like all the other guys. But I got tired of the pressure from him.” Then she held up her hand where a small gold ring seemed prominent. “I mean, it's not like I wear this True Love Waits ring for nothing. I take my promises seriously.”

I wasn't sure how to respond to that, or why she was even telling me this in the first place. So I just stood
there, probably looking pretty stupid, not saying anything.

“Maybe I shouldn't have told you,” she said quickly. “But I figured if you're Natalie's friend, well, maybe you should warn her. I know she's a strong Christian too, and I just wouldn't want to see her getting hurt too.”

Now talk about turning the tables! Here Nat has been all freaked about me and Matthew, and she's involved with a guy who's just as human as the rest of us. Although in Matthew's defense, he has NOT pressured me about sex—not even once. Okay, not yet anyway. I'm fully aware that the subject could come up and probably will come up. But I also know that I am not ready to have sex. And I have no problem telling him that.

The question is, what do I do about Natalie now? Do I tell her what Torrey said? Or do I just let it go? Let Natalie find out for herself? I must say I'm pretty surprised that Ben's like that, especially since his sister is so totally opposite, but then I guess things like “abstinence” don't exactly run in families. And I know that just because a guy is a Christian, doesn't mean he's perfect either. Anyway, I decide to pray about this thing with Nat, and I ask God to show me what's best to do. And while I feel more peaceful about it, I'm still a little uneasy when it comes to being around Nat.

For the first time since she started dating Ben, I was actually feeling somewhat glad that it's driven a slight wedge between us. I mean, as it is I hardly even see her
anymore. And when we talk at school, its usually pretty brief and shallow. And I can tell by the look in her eyes that she feels kind of guilty for the way she's been treating me—and she should! But today I was pretty much relieved that our conversation was so superficial.

“Did you have a good weekend?” she asked when I saw her by her locker.

I told her about snowboarding with Matthew, and her expression suggested she still questioned this relationship.

“How was your weekend?” I asked before she had a chance to remind me of the dangers of dating a non-Christian.

She smiled. “It was fantastic. Ben and I went to dinner and a movie on Saturday, and he actually came to my church with me and my family yesterday.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he said he wanted to see what a megachurch was like.”

“Did he like it?”

She frowned. “Not really. But at least he understands what I go through now.”

“I thought you liked your church, Nat.”

“I like some things about it, but its got its drawbacks and I know its not perfect.”

“Do you think any church is?”

“Maybe…”

“Well, I gotta go,” I told her since the second bell was about to ring.

“Take care,” she called, but I knew what she meant was “be careful.” The ironic thing was that's exactly what I wanted to tell her. But how?

So tonight as I'm picking letters for my column, I decide to tackle a couple of the sex ones. The truth is, I usually try to avoid these. But now I'm thinking that maybe I can reach Natalie through Just Jamie. We'll see…

Okay, I'm wondering, does anyone pay attention in health class? I mean, it's not cool to appear too interested in some of the gross stuff that is taught, but I happen to believe that knowledge is power, and just knowing some of the consequences of casual sex motivates me to make some very careful choices. Not that I'm even considering anything. But if I were…