Meeting The Unpredictable (33 page)

Mom’s eyes widen. “Oh. He’s in his office.”

Mom steps back and a frown appears on her face. In ten years I haven’t asked to see my dad, therefore she’s bracing for the worst.

“Thanks, Mom.” I turn and walk down the hall, and without knocking, I walk in to find my dad at his desk.

He looks up and jerks his head when he spots me. “Lennie. What can I do for you?”

“I’m sorry.”

His eyes widen. I watch as his throat moves as he loudly swallows. “Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry,” I repeat as I close the distance from the door to his desk.

“Sorry for what?” he sputters.

“Everything,” I state as I take a seat across from him.

“I have these memories, or maybe they’re dreams, but either way, I remember thinking I was going to grow up and marry you someday. I think I remember following you around and crying for days when you left for a business trip.” I can see some of the tension drain from his shoulders. “But then those memories get mixed with being told I had to take treatments that made me feel awful.” My father’s eyes painfully close.

“I remember crying and begging anyone who would listen that I didn’t want any more medicine and it was your voice I heard first telling me I didn’t have a choice. I think that was the first time I questioned if you actually loved me.”

My dad’s hands are on his desk and his knuckles are almost white from making a fist.

“But it wasn’t your fault. I didn’t understand that then, just like you couldn’t understand the new Lennie. After years of either being sick or waiting for it to happen again, neither one of us were the same. You became harsh and I became wild, and that didn’t make for a good combination.”

His eyes are roaming my face. “I don’t know if I would have turned out more like Jodi if I hadn’t gotten sick, but I know living around death every day for as long as I did changed me. I can’t do this.” I wave a hand towards his desk and all the papers he has in front of him. “And I never will,” I add. When he doesn’t say anything, I decide to continue.

“But I still love you, and I know now I never stopped. I was a crappy teenager and I blamed you for protecting Jodi and not me when I shouldn’t have, and for that I’m sorry.” I slowly stand up.

“I will always be this person standing before you, someone who will never work a serious respectable job, someone who will more than likely continue to travel the world. Someone who most definitely will get more tattoos, and I’ll do all of that because it’s who I am. I hope one day you’ll learn to love and accept me exactly the way I am.”

I turn and start making my way to the door when he calls out my name. I turn back to see he’s already on the other side of his desk. “You always were and always will be my little girl.” Within two strides, he has me wrapped up in a tight hug.

“I’m so damn sorry. All I ever wanted to do was protect you, and somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that.”

Being in my dad’s arms is more peaceful than my memories, and until this exact moment, I didn’t realize how much I was truly missing in life without his comfort.

“You’re forgiven. I just want to start over if you can accept that.”

My dad squeezes me even tighter. “Absolutely, Lennie, absolutely.” I’ve waited a long time to feel accepted by my dad, and while he might not like everything I do, I hope and pray this is the beginning we both desperately need.

I’M NOT GIVING UP ON LENNIE
, but I am giving her space. If I’ve learned anything where she’s concerned, it’s not to back her into a corner. And, truthfully, after she left, I sat down and really thought about what she said.

I don’t ever remember having a desperate need for children, but I’ve never ruled out the idea, either. When I was with Amber, she talked about having three or four, therefore I figured I’d have three or four kids. After Amber, I didn’t even want a relationship, let alone children.

Now only a few years away from thirty, outside of Lennie, I’m not sure what I want, but I know whatever life gives me I want to be standing next to Lennie.

Minutes turn into hours, and I find myself desperate to set my eyes on her again. She must have had some idea what the doctor was going to tell her today, but it kills me that she went through that alone. I’m staring at the apartment door, still trying to talk myself out of walking across the hall, when Lennie breezes in with a smile on her face.

“Are you already done working because I know just the place I want to take you.”

I blink several times, trying to process her carefree attitude. When she left here, the last thing I expected was for her to breeze back in hours later, acting like nothing was wrong.

“You want to take me somewhere?”

Her smile slips for only a second, but it’s enough for me to know she’s trying her best to appear confident. “Yes, if you’re willing to come with me.”

My eyes take her in from head to toe. This woman does something to me I’ve never felt before. I should be pissed at her for running off earlier, but I know she was scared and reacting the only way she knew how.

“I’m willing to go with you.” Her lip twitches as she holds out her hand, which I gladly take. We walk down to the parking lot out to her car.

“I’m driving.”

I cock an eye at her. Lennie’s driving skills are seriously lacking, but I keep my mouth shut. An awkward silence takes over as we drive close to thirty minutes to the Dallas Cancer Treatment Center.

“I think to really understand me you need to visit the place that forever changed my life.”

Lennie stares at the hospital, lost in her own thoughts. “Show me.” When she looks back over at me, her eyes are glassy.

We walk hand in hand through the main doors. “The first time I walked through those doors, I thought I was at the place miracles happen. I was still filled with an innocence that quickly dissolved.”

With our hands still connected, we ride up the elevator to the fifth floor, which happens to be the children’s ward.

“It’s hard to understand and process death when you’re only a kid. But it’s easier to understand here.” Lennie starts walking down a hall until we see a set of closed doors.

“You can’t get passed these doors without special permission, but the second you walk past them, you can smell it. You can smell death in the air.”

Her eyes are locked on the door in front of us. “After a while, I started to wonder what I was being punished for. Why I had to lie in a bed all day. Why my medicines made me feel worse, not better. Why no one would listen to me when I begged to go home.”

Lennie turns towards me and the somber look on her face completely guts me. I want to pull her into my arms, but she’s opening up to me and I’m not about to cut her off.

“I accepted that I was going to die, and when that didn’t happen, I never figured out how to accept that I might actually live.”

“Acceptance is a gift not everyone is willing to give,” I say the words that she branded on her body.

“I’ve spent the last ten years waiting to die, but thanks to you, I’m ready to accept the life I’m lucky enough to have in front of me. I’m ready to live, and if I get my wish, I’ll get to do that with you.”

My shoulders sag with relief as I tilt Lennie’s head back. “I want you, Lennie, and I want all the pieces that make you the woman I fell in love with.” I lean forward and take her mouth with mine. Our kiss turns heated within seconds before I abruptly pull away.

“Marry me.” Lennie’s eyes flash. “Marry me and make every day from here on out a new adventure. One we’ll take together.”

Her eyes start to water again, but this time her mouth turns up in a beautiful smile.

“Yes,” she whispers.

“I promise you a lifetime full of excitement.”

Lennie chuckles. “And I’m more than willing to accept a nice, dull life as long as it includes you.”

I never in a million years expected a crazy woman asking for oil to change my life, but she did, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I OPEN MY HUSBAND’S OFFICE
door to see him working away at his computer. “Hey, you got a second?”

Tyler looks up with a smile on his face. “I always have time for you.”

I force myself to remain calm as I take the seat across from him. “I have a surprise.”

Tyler groans. “Lennie, please tell me you didn’t adopt another dog.”

“No, I didn’t.” I chuckle. “But I can’t make any promises for the future.” Tyler tries to give me a stern look, but like always, he fails miserably.

“What’s this surprise you have for me?”

“I just got off the phone with Stacey. She chose us.”

I watch as Tyler’s face goes from strict to excited in seconds. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

I shake my head. “No, I’m not joking.”

Tyler jumps to his feet and runs around the table, wrapping me up in his arms. “You know what this means?” he breathes into my ear.

“Yes, it means we’re going to be parents.”

Tyler squeezes me even tighter. “I love you.”

My eyes fill with tears. “I love you, too.”

When I agreed to marry Tyler, we went straight to the courthouse and filed for a marriage license. Tyler didn’t care where we got married or who attended the wedding. His only request was that we get married as soon as possible.

Two days later, we were married with only Chad and Jodi as witnesses.

As much as I hate doctors, I agreed to start counseling. Outside of the years of anger I had held on to, I discovered that I was suffering from survivor’s guilt. Maddy deserved to live just as much as me, and somewhere in my messed up head, I convinced myself it was only a matter of time before I died because nothing about me was better than Maddy, and if someone as wonderful as her couldn’t make it, then I wouldn’t either.

I’ll always wonder why me, but with help from an outsider, I decided to let go of the things I can’t control and live for the people who love me.

A few months later, we decided to buy a house in a suburb outside of Dallas. Putting down roots in Dallas no longer seemed like a horrible idea. The perk to having our house in Dallas is that Tyler not only suggested but encouraged the idea of the two of us traveling together. After spending years hiding out in his apartment, Tyler had hundreds of places he wanted to check off his list. As the years ticked by, we started traveling less and started thinking about a family of our own. Every time we interviewed with a pregnant mother considering adoption and we weren’t selected, I adopted an animal. Add those to the endless strays I feed and we almost have our own animal shelter.

But this time is different. Stacey, our adoption counselor, just called and informed me that the last mother we interviewed with chose us.

Jodi saved my life when I was only fifteen, and Tyler gave my life meaning when I was twenty-five, but now with this baby, my life finally feels complete.

I’ll never know why me, but for as long as I live, I’ll love the time I was gifted.

My husband:
Thank you for being my rock. My life wouldn’t be the same without you.

My kids:
You both drive me crazy in the best possible way. I love you to the moon and back.

My best friend Aaron
:Your endless support and friendship means the world to me.