Memory Girl (43 page)

“But I thought you … you said I was … that you wanted ….” Hurt rips through me. I pull away from her like her touch burns. Lila made promises and told me I was special. Only I'm not. This was never about me.

“I was interested in you for all the reasons I've said,” Lila speaks quickly, reaching for me, only I draw back. “But after I saw you with my son, I hoped you would lead me to him. I suspected he'd find you again. I could never go to the Nocturnes on my own, so I waited for him to come back to you.”

“You used me?”

“I'd do anything to get what's mine. My poor boy, living among savages. What if he'd been killed before I could even talk to him?”

“Killed by beasts you created,” I accuse.

“When I saw him, I realized the Nocturnes had taken him and raised him as their own youth. I kept an eye on you, hoping he'd show up again. And he did.” She sighs. “But he was arrested.”

“You visited him at the jail,” I remember. Something else clicks in place. “The packet I found in my room. It was from you!”

She nods. “I couldn't help him directly, so I planned for you to rescue him. I was waiting close by, ready to bring him
here. But you waited a day to give him the package, and he escaped before I could talk to him. It was a stroke of luck you were brought here, so I had another chance to find my son. I have to save him from those savages.”

“Those savages kept Nate alive—his own people tossed him outside the Fence like garbage.”

“That should never have happened!” She clenches her hand into a fist, her ring glinting like fiery skies. “I want to give him the life he deserves. He's my son and belongs with me.”

“He knows scientists bred the beasts. He'll never trust a scientist.”

“You'll be a scientist soon, Jennza,” she says, her dark eyes narrowing at me. “I warned you there would be sacrifices to make. When you gain the memories, you'll also gain guilt. Angeleen worked on beast experiments. She understood that protecting ShareHaven is the most important goal.”

“Well, I don't understand, and I can't be like you or Angeleen.” I step back toward the Fence. “I'm not going back with you.”

“You're rather be arrested and executed? I'm the only one protecting you. Did your friends, Family, or Instructors offer you protection? No—only me. Everything I promised can still happen—but better, because Nate will join us. As Angeleen, you'll have a future—as Jennza, you have nothing.”

Frost called me a “nothing,” too. But they're both wrong.

While I would enjoy working in a lab—a miraculous place of discoveries—I won't trade compassion for scientific breakthroughs. Yeah, scientists achieved immortality and can even bring back the dead—at least their memories.
They've invented cures to save lives, but they've selectively destroyed lives too, spilling bloody death outside the Fence. I used to think they were superior beings, and I wanted to be like them. Except it turns out they're only ordinary humans. Do they deserve worship more than Instructor Penny's higher power? The Believers don't think so, yet they have their own guilty secrets.

ShareHaven is unraveling beneath the seams.

And I don't belong here anymore.

“Good-bye, Lila,” I say sadly and start to climb the Fence.

“Don't turn your back on me! You can't leave!” She grabs my arm, jerking me to the ground, then forcing me to my feet to face her. “I need you to bring Nate to me.”

“I won't.”

“Do you care for him so little?” she demands. “Would you prefer he die in battle when he has the choice here? He'll be given his father's memories and work beside me. He'll never have to hide underground, and he'll live in comfort and safety forever.”

“Forever?” I question. “The Blooming Flowers were destroyed.”

“Angeleen once hinted that she knew where more grew on our island, and I will find them. Scientists can accomplish anything we set our minds to.”

“But you can't force Nate to come with you. He won't leave his family.”

“I'm his family.” She rubs her lined forehead, her expression softening. She holds out her hands in a pleading gesture. “I'm not your enemy. I'm simply a mother who longs for her son. Can you understand that?”

I would do anything for my parents,
Milly thinks.

“I want you both with me,” Lila says with a sincerity that rings true. “Go to Nate. Tell him what I've told you, and if he agrees to come back to me, I'll ensure you're free to see your friends and go anywhere in ShareHaven. You can become a scientist or join a Family of your choice. I can make it happen.”

“I don't want anything from you.”

“All I ask is a chance to talk to my son.”

“I—I don't know ….” I bite my lip, unsure.

“Tell him I love him and am offering him safety, immortality, and a fulfilling life role. Let him decide. If you don't, his death will be on your conscience. He'll return underground to the savages where he'll be lucky to survive another year. Nate's life is in your hands,” she says, then whirls around abruptly and walks away, leaving me with choices that feel like I have no choice at all.

I climb to the top of the Fence, savoring what could be my last look from this viewpoint. The sea will still be here tomorrow, but where will I be? Who will I be? Milly's memories remain with me, warm like blankets wrapped within my own memories. We're two separate people, yet we're partners too. Her cautions and riding skill were there for me when I needed them. I'm glad she's with me.

It's a quick climb over the Fence, then I walk along the beach, stopping to flip a crab that's rolled on its back. It scuttles away, safe in its shell world. I stumble forward, unsure of anything except how much I want to see Nate.

He's in the cave. Waiting for me.

Petal crawls from his arm to his shoulder, then leaps across a rock shelf to scamper to me. I hug her to my chest and kiss her bristly head.

“Everything okay?” Nate asks, giving me a long look.

I nod, my emotions going crazy at his nearness. I'm in a chilly cave surrounded by mossy rock and slithering, swimming creatures, yet my body is warm. I stare into Nate's face, concerned and sweet, and I long to be closer, to lean against him and feel his heart blend with mine. I'd like to stay safe in the cave and hide from choices.

Without speaking a word between us, I suddenly know what I must do.

“Take me with you,” I tell Nate.

“Underground?” He looks at me, questioning. “Are you sure you want to give up the sunlight?”

“There won't be new monsters. When they're all gone, Nocturnes can live in the sunshine too.”

“But until then we have short, violent lives—no one lives underground forever.”

“At least I'll be living,” I say, thinking of prisons of steel and lies.

His mouth twists wryly. “It's hard to watch people you love die too soon.”

His tone is wistful, like when he confided he once longed to live on my side of the Fence. And I consider telling him Lila's offer. If he knows who she is, will he go to her? She can give him so much—but she would own him.

Petal curls in my lap, and I stroke her leathery fur, calmed by her tinkling purr. I shift slightly on the rock where I'm perched at the edge of the Lavender Pool. “Nate,
tell me more about your home,” I say.

“What would you like to know?”

“You've told me there's light below the ground. What's it like living there? There's a fondness in your voice when you speak of your home.”

“There's much to love,” he admits. “Strange, I suppose, considering that we were driven underground by beasts. But like this cave of yours, there's beauty in the darkness, especially when I'm seeking new tunnels. My father taught me how to read maps almost before I could walk, and I can draw them too. Discovering a new passage is amazing, like the one which opened into the sea and ultimately led me to this cave, you, and Petal.” He playfully tugs on Petal's tail, and she squeaks a protest, springing from my hands and diving into the pool. “We have rivers and ponds too. Most are too cold for swimming, but I know of a spring where the water bubbles with natural heat from the earth itself. The underground is vast, with tunnels and rooms from when it was a military fortress. We have electricity in all homes, strung from wires from retro-centuries and powered by rushing streams. No one has explored it all—but I plan to someday.”

His words create images, as if he's sharing memories with me. Not the grim darkness of the underground I imaged, but the light of curiosity and adventures. Still, I can't forget Lila's words. I owe him the truth.

“Nate,” I say looking into his blue eyes. “If you had the chance to live in ShareHaven, would you do it?”

He frowns. “You speak as if it's a possibility, but there's no way a savage like me could live with Topsiders.”

“But what if … if a scientist welcomed you?”

“The beast breeders?” He spits on the ground. “Never!”

“Are you sure?” I search his face. “Not even if you suddenly found out you weren't … that you belonged aboveground?”

He shakes his dark head. “Nothing could make me leave my father. I am content with my life, but it might be hard for you.”

“When have I ever chosen the easy way of anything?” My laugh is a sharp, bitter sound.

“You never do,” he says meeting my gaze in a way that shoots heat through me. “But you have no idea how difficult life is beneath the ground.”

“I'm eager for a challenge—if you want me to come with you.”

“More than anything,” he says, his strong, pale fingers entwining with my darker ones.

“So take me with you.”

“Are you sure you want to live in a place stalked by beasts?”

“The beasts will be gone soon. And eventually the Fence will be gone too,” I say as a wild thought jumps into my head.

Nate's eyes widen. “The Topsiders will never take down the Fence.”

“They may have no choice.” I smile. “Without the Blooming Flowers, there won't be any more memdenity or immortality. They will be desperate to find new flowers.”

“How does that help us?”

“I know where the flowers grow.” I smile slowly and point upward, to the dangling bubbles of flowers covering the cave ceiling. “If the scientists and Leaders want my help, they'll have to make some changes. No more dividing this
island; it's time for both communities to live as one. I'll start a new war—Jennza seeking justice for all who live on this island.”

He grins. “I love the way you talk.”

And I love how the skin around his sea-blue eyes crinkles as if with wisdom lines when he smiles. I may even be falling in love with him … unless I'm already in love with Marcus. I have much to figure out about love and many other things.

But there will be time later for decisions, discoveries, and sharing truths. Before I tell Nate who he really is, I need to see his home underground—what he'll give up if he goes to Lila. And I'll discover much for myself too.

A new life, a new community, a new kind of family.

I hug Petal, but it's not a good-bye because I know I'll see her again.

Standing, I reach for Nate's hand. He meets me halfway, and we begin a journey to a place where darkness may hold more light than a forever life under the sun. Although I'll miss many things, I will come back to ShareHaven, not as a Nocturne or even Milly.

I am Jennza.

Always.

1. Why does Jennza dread joining a Family? What sets her apart from other youths who accept their future roles in ShareHaven?
   
2. What are the pros and cons of a traditional family structure compared to ShareHaven's Families?
   
3. Are memories who we are or what we've done? If you woke up one morning with no memories, would you still have the same interests and personality? What if you were inserted with the memory of committing a terrible crime—would that make you guilty?
   
4. Each character reacts differently to memdenity. Lorelei sees it as a way to improve her flaws with enhanced memories. Marcus is eager to learn new skills. Jennza wants to be herself. If memdenity were possible, would it be beneficial or dangerous? Would you want it?
   
5. Jennza puzzles over the concept of “soul.”
   There is no physical organ on the human body labeled “soul,”
   she thinks. What do you think?
   
6. Nate is both a killer and a hero. Is he the victim of his own crimes? And does Jennza help him because of romantic feelings or a sense of justice?
   
7. ShareHaven considers Nocturnes “Subhuman” and abandons them on the dangerous side of the Fence. Is this reminiscent of other prejudices in history?
   
8. The Believers meet in secret to worship many different religions. How does the belief in an afterlife fit into a society where no one ever dies?
   
9. If Jennza had all three memdenities, do you think she would gradually become Milly? Would she love her daughter and husband? How much influence do our memories have on our feelings?
   
10. How does aging define who we are and our friendships? Could you be best friends with someone the age of your parents?
    
11. Jennza has strong feelings for both Nate and Marcus. Which boy is the best for her? Does she make the right choice?
    
12. Jennza quotes the Unity Pledge:
    I pledge to honor Family, respect community, and give thanks to the miracles of scientists. Peace and safety forever.
    Why do you think ShareHavenites are taught to recite this daily?
    
13. At the end of the book, should Jennza have told Nate who he really is? Would you have told him? And if so, how do you think he would have reacted?
    
14. Photos are unnecessary in ShareHaven. What other things would be unnecessary in a forever society?
    
15. Would you rather be who you are now with all of your memories or be a youth forever in ShareHaven with someone else's memories?