Memory Girl (41 page)

“Impressive,” Nate says. “I thought you said you'd never ridden a hoxen.”

“I haven't … not exactly.”

“You look comfortable up there.” He lifts his arm. “How about giving me a hand up?”

I stretch my fingers toward his reaching hand. Touching. Lightly. Then a firm grip, our fingers weaving together. A long moment stretches, like we've both jumped into deep water and are holding our breaths. Sizzling warmth spreads through me. I'm pulled into his blue-sea gaze. I notice every curve and angle of his face—scars from a life lived mostly sub-ground. His lips tilt up at the corners.

“Ready?” he asks, and I'm startled he's still on the ground, waiting for me to make room for him on the hoxen.

I boost him up. His strong arms slip around my waist. He leans close, his breath hot on my neck, and I'm burning and wonderfully shivery at the same time. I smell a scent like the sea and sweat, and I glance down at his hands wrapped around my waist. Can't think. Emotions racing fast, although we haven't moved yet. His touch … his scent … his everything. These feelings must be the dangerous hormones my Instructors warned against. Yet they're nothing fearful; they're wondrous.

I dig my heels into the side of the hoxen and shout, “Giddy up!”

We ride through dense trees, far from the road. Despite having to detour around rocks and deep gorges, we're quickly
at the Edu-Center boundaries. When I see the shadows of the buildings where I spent my childhood, I smack my feet against the hoxen and command, “Whoa.”

I'm flooded with memories here: climbing trees, chasing flutterlings, hiding so well in games that my born-mates couldn't find me, crafting hair decorations with Lorelei, and my secret kiss with Marcus. These buildings held more than lessons; they were my home. My memdenity.

Yet if any of the Instructors who chose to stay here rather than join their Families see me, they'll have me arrested—unless Marcus and Lorelei find evidence to clear my name. Is it possible? To gain my freedom, I'd have to expose the Believers' “trade” with Nate. But only a Believer can prove that Nate was a hired weapon.

There's one Believer who might help.

I stop on the trail, unsure whether to turn back or go forward to the cave. Is clearing my name worth the risk of being arrested? Yes, I think with a rush of certainty. No matter what happens today, I don't want to be an outlaw in my own community. I love ShareHaven, my born-mates, Instructors, and Rosemarie. I want the choice to be in a Family and perhaps even bond with a husband.

Keep going with Nate. Don't go back into danger.
Milly's thoughts push me to keep walking, but I won't listen.
Silence,
I tell her, not sure if I'm speaking to a soul or layers of memories, and it doesn't really matter because ultimately I'm the one who makes decisions for this body.

Lifting Petal from my pocket, I hand her to Nate. “Take her to the cave.”

“But I thought you'd come with me … at least that far.”

“I'll meet you there. I need to talk to someone first.”

“Who?”

“Instructor Penny.”

Sneaking into the Edu-Center is child's play, and I excel at it. It's easier too, because only a few Instructors choose to stay here after youths have left. Most Instructors have returned to their Families—but not Instructor Penny. She confided to me once that she feels closer to youths than her actual Family. I find her in the reading nest, her head bent as she reads a thick book.

When I shut the door behind me, she looks up, gasping.

“Jennza!”

I nod warily.

“Graces good! I thought you were … but you aren't!” Her book skids across the table as she jumps to her feet with her arms outstretched. “I'm so relieved! I've been worried about you, Jennza—I mean, Milly.”

“You were right the first time.” I don't move into her arms, holding stiff and sturdy like the door my fingers clutch for support. “I'm not Milly.”

She sighs sadly. “I know.”

“Then you also know why I can't go back to the Cross Family and what they tried to do to me.”

“Yet you've survived.”

“Only by luck—I was almost turned into a brainless zombie.” My words blow like poison darts from my lips, accusing. “That's what Returned means, although I'm sure you know that too.”

“Please don't hate me. I wasn't even aware you were gone until it was already over. I was devastated, more than you'll ever know. I'm overjoyed to see you, yet afraid for you.” She
bites her lip. “You shouldn't have come here.”

“Are you going to turn me in?”

“I would never!” She speaks with such ferocity that my doubts about her fall away. “I'll hide you and keep you safe. Ask me for anything, and I'll help you. I love you, Jenny.”

The nickname softens my heart, and when she opens her arms, I melt inside her hug. She's warm and smells of honey-lemon soap. I want to tell her I love her too, but the words lump in my throat.

“I wanted to help you, Jenny,” she goes on. “But by the time I'd heard what had happened, you were already gone. There wasn't anything I could do.”

“Except tell the truth.” I pull out of her embrace and stare at the glint of gold peaking out from her tunic collar.

“What do you mean?”

“I know why you wear this.” I grasp the golden chain around her neck, tugging so the star symbol dangles. “You're one of
them.
You say you want to help me, but you kept their secret. You could have cleared me by telling the other Leaders who was really behind Grand Sarwald's death.”

“The Noc killed him. You were there when it happened.”

“Yes, I was. But I was also in the Cross compound when the Believers—including you—met to discuss what to do about the killer … my friend Nate.”

She reels back with a choked cry, clutching the necklace. “You couldn't have been there. I never saw you.”

“No one did. I was listening outside the door. I heard you talk about killing Grand Sarwald. You defended Nate, and I'm grateful for that. Still, you knew our Leader was going to die. I don't believe you'd be part of a murder conspiracy without a strong reason, but I can't think of one … and I desperately
want to, because you mean so much to me.”

Her eyes fill with tears. She glances down at her necklace; the four-point symbol catches a reflection of sunlight and shimmers like a night star.

“I'm guilty,” she finally says, the word
guilty
echoing off the reading room walls. “But it's not what you think. Grand Sarwald's death wasn't murder.”

I put my arm out to balance against the table. “How can it not be murder?”

“Please don't ask me to explain.” She sinks into a chair, her tawny brown skin paling. “I swore never to speak of this.”

“If you really care about me, you will—and you'll tell the other Leaders too, so I can walk freely in ShareHaven without fear of being jailed or executed.”

“No one will arrest you if you stay with the scientists. Their compound is the best place for you. Go back there where you're safe.”

“I can't go back.” I shake my head.

“Oh, Jenny, I want to help, but I can't betray the Believers.”

“You'd rather I die?”

She looks deeply in my face, and I study her too, saddened by the shadows beneath her eyes that make her look far older than twenty-five. “Have you ever wondered what happens when we die?” she asks me with a seriousness beyond the conversations we shared during lessons.

The question is so unexpected, and if she'd asked me when she was my Instructor, I would have automatically said, “No one dies.” But now I know of conflicting beliefs, souls, and murder.

“I have no more idea of what happens to souls after death than an ant knows how to bake an apple pie,” I tell her,
glancing around at the reading nook I've enjoyed so often, a place of stories, and longing for the comfort of childhood. “But I do wonder … especially about souls …. What happens to a soul after death?”

“Does anyone really know?” she says with a wry smile. “Scientists assure us we can live again with memdenity in a youth. But Believers would argue our souls go to a higher power. Do you know the word
religion
?”

I nod as if we're in a lesson room and she'd called on me. “A retro-concept which led to many wars and suffering.”

“It also led to hope, faith, and miracles,” she says. “Before the Attack, I wore a symbol of a cross around my neck. Now I wear this.” She gently touches the chain. “The Believers are a mix of religions, so we created our own symbol. This necklace represents all our religions united in a mutual goal—to restore freedom of beliefs in ShareHaven.”

“Rosemarie told me her husband Jed was killed because he wanted to build more churches.”

“He wanted
real
churches for all faiths, not only the glorification of science. But even more, he longed to go on to his next life—beyond this existence. He worried about Rosemarie though, and didn't want her to bear the shame if he committed suicide. He preferred that Rosemarie think someone killed him rather than tell her the truth—that he chose to die.”

I shake my head, confused. Jed wanted to die?

“It's complex,” Instructor Penny says. “We maintain peace in ShareHaven by following laws. If a law is broken, the Uniforms deal a fair punishment. But breaking some laws is common—trading work roles, black-market bartering, hoarding food, and relations outside of marriage. If no
one asks, no one tells what really goes on in Families. But worshipping old faiths in secret meetings would result in severe punishment.”

“Execution?” I ask, gulping.

“I don't know … and don't care to find out.”

“Then why join the Believers?” I ask.

“Daisy invited me into the group after I made a reckless comment about needing to go to confession. I missed attending traditional church. When the cease-aging patch gave us a forever life, it also meant never leaving this earth. Why worship a higher power you'll never meet? At least, that's what the scientists decided. But those of us who disagree met in secret to worship.”

“And to plot murder?” I challenge.

“Grand Sarwald and Jed asked to die,” she says.

“That's unsensical.”

“Not if you're a Believer. Both Leader Sarwald and Jed longed to meet their God. But suicide isn't only against religious beliefs; it would shame the Family. There are two ways to die in ShareHaven: accident or murder. Since most people survive accidents, the only guaranteed method for death is to die by the hand of a skilled killer.”

“Nate,” I say, finally understanding. He'd been told he was killing someone who wanted to die, and that was the truth. It was still murder; but it was also compassion.

“We traded the Nocturnes medicine for each death,” she adds. “Grand Sarwald's death was too public, but it was quick, which is a blessing.”

“What about Jed?”

She smiles. “His death was beautiful. One swift, skillful hit. He died with no pain or shame to his Family.”

“But Grand Sarwald's death wasn't as easy,” I say angrily.

“It was unfortunate the Noc … Nate … was captured. Leader Cross worried he'd expose us if he was tortured. You may not believe me, but I was relieved to learn Nate escaped. I worried, though, when you were blamed. When they told me you'd been Returned, I was heartbroken and furious. I quit the group … although I can't give up wearing my necklace.” She glances down at her necklace, then back to me. “I'm so glad you're safe.”

“Nate helped me. A Nocturne cared more for my safety than my own people.” I look deeply into her face. “I need your help to make things right. Please, go to the Leaders—except Leader Cross—and tell them the truth.”

“I can't.” She purses her lips. “You're safe with the scientists. You've always had an inquisitive mind and potential for great things. Use your mind to make new discoveries to keep our island safe. I've heard rumors there are problems with the Sharing Bloom—which risks memdenity and immortality.”

I glance away, thinking of the flowers growing in the room next to the caged beasts. Did the flowers survive the explosion?

“You can shape the future of ShareHaven,” Instructor Penny adds.

“As an outsider,” I say angrily. “You might as well toss me out of the Fence and leave me for the claws and snakes.”

“The Believers will be ruined if we're discovered.”

“Nocturnes fight every day just to live another day. You call yourselves Believers—so stand up for your beliefs and fight for your future.”

She looks as me as if I'm someone she doesn't know, and
maybe that's true. When she shakes her head, I know I've lost.

“I'm not brave enough,” she admits. “But I have faith in you, Jennza—more than you'll ever know. And I love you like you're from my own flesh, the daughter I never had.” She glances up uneasily as if she's heard a sound. “If someone comes, I can hide you. You'll be safe with me.”

“When have I ever chosen safety?”

“My dear rebel youth.” Her smile is bittersweet.

“I have to go now.” I gaze around the room, fixing every detail in my memory.

“Take care, sweet Jenny,” Instructor Penny says, squeezing my hand.

I swallow hard. “Could you deliver three messages for me?”

“Of course I will.”

She gives me hemper and a writing tool. I write first to Lorelei.

Dearest Lorelei,

You are my best born-mate, and I will treasure all the memories we shared together. Thank you for coming to my birthday. Always remember that you don't need someone else's memories to be skillful, kind, funny, and clever. You are wonderful inside and out. And I will never forget you.