Men of London 02 - Sight and Sinners (25 page)

Draven had been worried for Taylor when they’d first entered the room, thinking he was going to pass out again. When nothing had happened, he’d looked relieved but still, his lover’s white face and the grim set to his lips made Taylor’s heart ache.

Draven was mute and still, unseeing eyes observing his little brother with an air of both despair and fear. Taylor held tight to his cold hand, rubbing his own warm fingers across Draven’s skin, hoping to instil some comfort into what was going to be the most difficult decision Draven had ever faced.

“That nice doctor said he’d give you as much time as you needed,” Taylor said softly as he stroked the back of Draven’s hand. “He seems like a good enough guy. And that nurse is really lovely. She has a real sweet spot for Jude, from the looks of it. Has she looked after him since he got here?”

Draven nodded absently, eyes still focused on the still form before them.

“Yes. Ally’s been a rock, for both of us. I think that woman has seen me cry more than anyone else ever has.” He bit his bottom lip nervously, gnawing on it until the skin tore and a small drop of blood blossomed on his pale lips.

Taylor’s heart stuttered and his throat tightened. Just for Draven to admit those moments of weakness was an indication of the stress he was under. The man was vulnerable, hurting and Taylor just wanted to fix everything. Yet all he could do was be there for him. He reached over and took a tissue out of the box on the bedside table. He handed it to Draven, who patted his bleeding lip, then looked at the stain with an air of bewilderment.

Draven cleared his throat and looked at Taylor. “So, you seem okay this time. No passing out and me having to watch you come around like a chump.” He swallowed, and his fingers fidgeted in Taylor’s hands.

“Can you, you know, feel him at all?” His other hand reached out and smoothed limp hair from Jude’s cheeks, and his face shadowed. He blinked furiously.

Taylor’s own helplessness made itself felt in the sudden prickling in his eyes. He sniffed and tried to keep the tears at bay, much as Draven was doing. “I know he’s around, but I don’t feel him strongly. He feels…settled. Peaceful.”

“Do you think he knows?” Draven’s choked voice was barely audible. His eyes closed and when he opened them Taylor saw the wetness and the grief reflected in them. Draven was trembling, and Taylor grasped his hand tighter.

“I think he does. I think he knows that his big brother is about to help him go to somewhere he wants to be. With his family—and Pudsey.” Taylor lost his voice for a minute as he held back the tears. He took a deep breath.

“You’re doing the right thing, baby. I promise.”

“It doesn’t feel like it,” Draven whispered, his tone agonised. “It feels like I’m abandoning him. I have this fucking hole in my heart that he fills and I don’t know how I’m going to close it up, Tay. It just isn’t right.” His voice rose. “I don’t think I can do this.”

He stood up suddenly, leaving Taylor startled. “I definitely can’t do this. Go out there and tell Frederick I’ve changed my mind.” Relief flitted across his face as he stared at Taylor. “This isn’t going to happen.”

Taylor’s stomach lurched as he stood up to intercept his boyfriend. “Dray,” he began, and then felt his head swim. He watched through hazy eyes as Draven grew fainter and blurrier and his last conscious image was of Draven’s panicked face and arms coming toward him. Then there was only blue.

“Hello, Taylor,” Jude said as he stood outlined against the backdrop of what looked like cerulean skies. “It looks like my brother is having a crisis of faith.” His gentle smile was affectionate. “This is really tough for him.” His voice wavered. “I love him so much and seeing him going through this? It’s killing me.” He gave a slight watery sniff and a thin chuckle.

“You’re all I have to convince him. I’m sorry I’m putting you through this and making contact again. I have no choice.”

“I know.” Taylor moved toward the younger man. “But it’s the toughest thing he’s ever had to do.”

Jude nodded. “I know. And I wish I could see him for myself, see him, tell him face to face. But this,” he waved a hand around him, “this doesn’t work that way. It’s a miracle I can communicate with you and one I’m really thankful for. Who knew my brother would fall in love with a psychic? It was obviously meant to be.”

“What do you want me to tell him?” Taylor leaned forward and touched Jude’s cheek. It was warm, vibrant and a world apart from the emaciated figure in the bed in the hospital ward. “What can I tell him to make it better for him?”

Jude shook his head sadly. “There’s no easy way to do this. All I can give you is my assurance that this is what I want and need and that one day, I’ll see him again. I can’t give you a magic talisman or a message from Mum and Dad to convince him I’m real to you because I can’t see them yet. All I have is my words, for you to deliver back to him.”

Taylor gave a shuddering sigh. “I can only try.” He grimaced. “I don’t want to stay here with you too long, because he’s stressed out enough as it is. This won’t be helping him. I need to go back to him.”

Jude nodded and reached out a slim hand to caress Taylor’s hair. “Tell him you saw me, that this is still what I want and that I love him. He’s been so good looking after me, and trying to keep me, but he has to let me go.” His eyes flooded with tears.

“He has you now, Taylor, to help him through. He needs the living in his life, not the dead. Tell him he needs to finish that model aeroplane he was building that’s still in his cupboard. He was building it for me and when this happened, he stopped. Tell him to go that rock concert of Maroon 5 he always wanted to take me to.” Jude sniggered. “He has a real thing for Adam Levine and all his tattoos. I’m sure he used to lick the music magazines I found in his room, the ones that had Adam on the cover. The pages were always slightly buckled and used.”

Taylor’s eyes widened. “My man has good taste. Adam Levine is damn hot.”

The two men grinned at each other and then Jude’s face grew serious. “Tell him to do all the things he wanted to do with me, with you. Don’t let this destroy him. Please.”

Taylor nodded. “I’ll do my best.” He hesitated, and reached out to touch Jude’s arm. “You’ll be okay then? I don’t even profess to know how this all works, or what it means. My mind is too overwhelmed with everything. But for Draven’s sake I need to know myself you’re going to be okay when he does what he has to do.”

Jude smiled at him. “I’ll be fine, honestly.”

And Taylor believed him. He didn’t know how, or why, but he knew that Jude was telling the truth.

This whole speaking-with-the-almost-dead thing had really thrown him for a loop. His brain hurt and all he wanted to do was get back to Draven. Although the thought of convincing him to switch Jude off made his insides quail, he knew deep inside that it was the right choice for Draven to make.

Jude reached over and laid warm lips on Taylor’s forehead. “I’m glad he’s got you.” His voice choked up. “Take care of my big brother, Taylor. See you on the other side one day.” His voice grew fainter and his figure blurred and shimmered and when Taylor blinked his eyes, he was staring up once again into anxious, red-rimmed, silver-grey eyes. The man behind them was pale, his mouth tight, but his face softened as Taylor stared at him from the chair in the corner where Draven had obviously placed him.

“Tay, you there?” Draven’s voice was choked. “Christ, I’m getting fucking sick of this. I never know whether you’re going to come back to me.”

Taylor tried to blink the fuzziness from his eyes and sat up gingerly. “I’ll always come back to you,” he murmured. “Right now, I’d love some water. I feel like puking.” He retched and Draven hurriedly picked up a glass from the side table and went over to the small corner basin to fill it up. He came back and presented it to Taylor.

“Thanks.” Taylor took deep gulps and the dizziness and disorientation he’d felt on coming back into the real world lessened.

Draven perched beside him on the chair arm and stroked stray curls of hair back behind his ears. “Will I ever get used to that?” he asked quietly. “Seeing you drift off somewhere else? Thank God I was there to catch you again or else you’d have found yourself on the floor. Can’t you do this sort of thing when you’re sitting down, or sleeping?” Draven was trying to be cheery but the sorrow in his eyes belied his attempt.

Taylor gave a soft chuckle. “I wish I could tell you I could. I guess we’ll just have to make sure you’ll always be around, won’t we?”

They looked at each other steadfastly and then Draven sighed. It was a deep, heart-wrenching sigh and Taylor wished he could lift the burden of Draven’s decision from him and throw it into a deep, dark hole.

“You saw him.” It wasn’t a question.

Taylor nodded. “Yes. And he says switching the machinery is the right decision for him. He’s tired. He wants to go home, wherever that is.” He snorted, weary. “I’m not even going to go down the route again of trying to figure out where it is when I go. For all I know it could be a huge white hotel in the middle of somewhere with room service, good wine, a hot tub and a naked man with a six pack and a huge dick servicing my every desire.”

Draven raised an eyebrow, a slight grin on his face. “
That’s
your idea of heaven?”

Taylor shrugged. “Absolutely. I can live with that.”

The sheer absurdity of his statement had both men staring at each other then bursting into a fit of chuckles. Taylor was glad he’d been able to lift Draven’s spirits just a little. When the chuckles subsided, Taylor stood up and went over to hug Draven, holding him tightly.

“I didn’t know you built model aeroplanes,” he murmured into Draven’s ear. Draven stiffened and Taylor carried on, his voice teasing. “I also didn’t know you had a crush on the very sexy Adam Levine. We share that, by the way.”

Draven turned and it was as if a light was finally going on his head. His eyes shone with tears and his face, while still etched with grief, was full of wonder. “He really was with you, wasn’t he?”

Taylor frowned as Draven rushed ahead. “I mean I know you said he was, and I believed you, but hearing you say those things…it just makes it more real, you know? I never doubted you, Tay; I just needed to really understand that this was what he wanted…”

Taylor’s lips stopped Draven’s words midway as he kissed him, and they breathed into each other’s mouths as tongues and lips came together. Taylor’s hands slid around Draven’s waist as he pressed closer. The kiss was long, deep, and in it, Taylor tried to convey every iota of feeling and love he had for the man in his arms. When it was over, they stood clinched together as if they were the last two people standing on a shattered earth.

“It’s time, isn’t it?” Draven said finally, his voice muffled against Taylor’s ear, buried in his curls.

“Yes, baby. I think so.” Taylor moved away and tugged Draven toward the bed. “Sit down. Talk to your brother; tell him everything you want to get out of your soul. I’ll go find Doctor Frederick and tell him you’re ready.” He pushed Draven into the chair at the side of the bed and placed a soft kiss on the top of his head and then disappeared out of the door.

*****

Draven sat still in the chair, taking deep breaths as he readied himself for what was to come. He wasn’t ready. He was nowhere near fucking ready for this momentous decision but he knew deep inside that it was the right thing to do.

“I hope you can hear me, little brother,” he murmured softly. “I’m glad you and Taylor got a chance to meet. He’s an incredible individual and I know, little brother, that I am properly in love for the first time in my life. He means the world to me.” He chuckled as he stroked Jude’s pale hand. “The man might get ideas above his station and he’s already an arrogant little shit. Him knowing I’m that much crazy about him would just give him carte blanche to make my life a constant fest of smug ‘I know you love me’ crap.”

His voice faltered. “He tells me this is what you need and I trust him, more than anyone I’ve ever known. And you obviously trust him too to tell him about my Adam Levine crush. I’d kick your arse if you were here now for letting that cat out of the bag.”

His eyes were hot with tears and he let them roll down his cheeks. “I love you, little brother. I tried to do right by you, and maybe I was selfish keeping you around, but not having you around like you used to be these last few years broke my heart. Maybe we were both just waiting for Taylor to come along so I get this chance to do this. I need him, Jude. I thank God every day I wake to him for coming into my life.”

There was a noise at the door and Draven turned to see Taylor standing there, eyes awash with tears and a look on his face that promised the world to Draven. Doctor Frederick stood beside Taylor, face wreathed in sympathy, Sister Alison behind him. Her round face was warm and a welcome sight to Draven.

Doctor Frederick moved into the room and regarded Draven compassionately. “Taylor says you’re ready for the machine to be switched off, Draven. I’m sorry to have to ask this at a time like this but there’s a form I need you to sign before I can do that.” He shrugged apologetically. “The perils of a bureaucracy and a ‘cover the hospital’s arse’ mentality, I’m afraid.”

Draven couldn’t find any words so he nodded mutely. Taylor moved over to him and his dark brown eyes regarded him lovingly. “I’m here, love. Right beside you. If you’re sure…” his voice trailed off. Alison bustled past the doctor into the room and clasped Draven’s hands in hers.