Mile High Love (19 page)

Cassie had to stop herself from dropping to her knees before
him and begging him to let her be that woman.

              
“On the other hand, I love my life,” he looked around at his apartment and
nodded appreciatively.  “It’s not overly complicated in any way, and I
never have to deal with playing by someone else’s rules.  I may not have
been married before like you, but I am old enough to know that you can’t just
do what you want when you have a wife and children.”

              
“I can respect that,” Cassie’s heart lurched, and she had to work extra hard to
conceal her disappointment.  Silently she ached, knowing full well that as
long as he remained so conflicted, there was no way she could tell him how she
really felt.

              
“Right,” Gunnar clapped his hands together and hopped up.  “Enough of this
seriousness for one evening. It’s only nine o’clock and the night is
young.  He threw the portable phone her way and scooped his keys up off
the table. 

              
“Go into the kitchen and get the phone book out.  It’s in one of the
drawers by the sink. 

              
“What am I supposed to be getting once I find it?” Cassie was confused.

              
“Why Pizza, of course. Gunnar pulled his wallet from his jacket pocket and
headed for the door.

              
“And you are going where?”

              
“To get a movie before all of the good ones are checked out.”

              
“Of course,” Cassie nodded to herself and headed for the kitchen.  “Why
didn’t I know that just by looking at you,” she mumbled to no one in
particular.  “Oh yeah, maybe because I haven’t mastered reading minds
yet.”  She riffled through almost all of the drawers by the sink and was
about to give up and just call information when she yanked open a bulky,
partially broken drawer filled with plaques, certificates, pictures, and other
important awards.  Cassie held her breath and she casually fingered and
shuffled through each memento,  wondering why on Earth Gunnar would take
the time to frame and preserve his achievements so beautifully if he was just
going to stuff them in a broken drawer in the kitchen to collect dust. 
She picked out one in particular that was bound in a maroon leather
cover.  There was a picture of him, all dressed up in his graduation cap
and gown, leaning up against a plane that was tucked into the corner. 
Cassie knew from her husband’s certificate that it was Gunnar’s license, and
probably the one achievement that meant more to him than all of the others
combined.  The sheer look of joy and confidence on his face brought tears
to Cassie’s eyes.  “I missed so many of your successes,” Cassie read through
the information and stopped when she reached his birth date.  Oh my God,”
her hand flew to her mouth and she the kicked the drawer closed with her foot
before heading back out into the living room.  She called information,
placed her order, and sat back down on the couch to read through the rest of
the certificate. 

              
Gunnar came through the door and she quickly snapped the leather cover
shut.  “I was looking for the phone book,” she offered lamely, “and I
guess I got a little side tracked.” Gunnar shrugged as if it meant nothing to
him, but when he didn’t exactly offer up any conversation about it, Cassie
wasn’t sure how to approach the subject. “Maybe it’s because you always look so
good that I always think that you’re younger than I am,” she laughed nervously,
“but I completely forgot that you have a birthday coming up old man.”

“Thirty is hardly old, and I’d be very careful if I were
you, you’re not that far off yourself, and I will remember to return the favor
with any and all grief you give me.”

              
Cassie sighed, grateful for once that she had managed to lighten the
mood.  “Well?”

              
“Well, what do you have planned?  It’s only three days away!”

              
“Oh for crying out loud, I almost forgot for a moment how worked up you get
over birthdays.”  He threw his hands up. “It just so happens that I do not
have any plans for the moment.”

              
“Brilliant! Can I-”

              
“No.”

              
“Please.”

              
“No.”

              
“It will just be a small party, I swear. Just me, and Wes and…do you have any
other friends?”

              
“Friends, no.  But if it’s numbers you’re looking for I could lend you my
little black book.”

              
“Oh that would be a great idea,” she smiled maliciously, “if you want it burnt
to a crisp.”

              
“Do I detect a little jealousy?”

              
“I think not,” Cassie lied.  “It’s just that birthdays should be confined
to close friends and family members, that’s all.  Female riff raff does
not get to be included.”

              
“I see,” he nodded as if he could really see straight through her denial.”

              
“Don’t start with me,” she wagged a finger at him.  “I am throwing you a
birthday party at my place three days from now around six o’clock, and you had
best get me a list of people you want there.”

              
“If you insist.”

              
“You mean you’ll come?”

              
“Well I think I may have to, I mean it’s not every day that I get bullied into
coming to one of your famous parties.”

              
“Good.  Now that’s settled I was just wondering.  Why did you shove
all of your achievements into that drawer, instead of proudly displaying them
right up here on the wa” Cassie pointed to the wall in front of them opposite
the couch and for the first time noticed all of the tiny nails stuck into the
wall where his things had obviously been hanging at some point.  “Why
would you take them down?” her voice was barely audible. 

              
A harsh, remote look replaced the easy smile he’d been showing off all
night.  “And just where would my latest accomplishment, the suspension go
eh?” Should I have put it in the middle as a constant reminder of this one
thing that negates all of the others?”

              
“Oh Gunnar,” Cassie could see the anguish in his eyes.  She knew he would
probably hate her after he learned the truth, but at least he’d stop beating
himself up about it. At least his pride and self- respect would still be
intact. “I know you said you had had enough seriousness for one night, but we
really need to talk.”

              
“You want to talk?” his voice broke.  “How about this?  When I am
flying it is the only time that I know exactly who I am and what I can do.
That’s the person I want to be, and if I can’t be that anymore, then everything
I know to be true and worth something about myself is gone.” He took his
license back from her and hung it in the middle of the wall where it
belonged.  “I always thought that all of my successes were in here,” he touched
his heart, “and in here,” he touched his temple.  “But I was a fool
Cassandra, because the simple fact is that everything I have ever worked for
can be taken away by the stroke of a pen.  By someone who doesn’t even
know the first thing about me.” He gestured wildly, “This damn paper negates
everything!” He crumpled the paper up and let it fall to the floor by his
feet.  “How’s that for serious?”

              
“Pretty good,” Cassie felt like she couldn’t breathe and was actually trembling
a little.  She never expected him to finally open up to her.  She
wanted to go to him, to hold him and convince him that a piece of paper could
never diminish the amazing man he had turned out to be, but she knew that he
wouldn’t want anything to do with her when he found out who was responsible for
his troubles and she couldn’t will herself to move. “Gunnar,” she began. 
“We both know that I haven’t exactly been supportive of your stunt
flying.  I guess the only excuse I have is that until now I just really
didn’t understand what it meant to you.  You are one of the most
remarkable men I have ever meant, and no piece of paper could ever prove or
change that.  But you have to know that regardless of my opinion, I would
never do anything to purposely hurt you.  God, Gunnar, I lo…”

              
“Shhh,” he reached out to her, taking her hands in his and kissing the tears
from the corners of her eyes.  “I told you not to get me started,” he
quietly admonished her.  “I keep a tight rein on my emotions and this is
exactly why.  They tend to run all over the place if I don’t keep a lid on
them.” He brushed the stray strands of hair from her face and tucked them
behind her ears. “I have no doubt on this that you would never intentionally
hurt me.  That’s just not your nature.”           

              
Cassie bit her lip to stop it from quivering.  “That’s not what I meant,
I…” she tried again failed.  “The thing is I may have messed up, I…”

              
“Mommy?”

              
Cassie turned to see her daughter standing in the hallway.  She could see
that she wasn’t fully awake yet and probably could have got her back to sleep
if she tried, but Gunnar was already heading towards her.

              
“Hey mite,” he scooped her up off of the hard wood floor and carried her over
to where Cassie was siting.  “Your momma and I were hungry so we ordered
some food, and after that I have some chocolate chip ice cream with your name
on it, what do you say to that?”

              
Abby rubbed her eyes and nodded just as the doorbell rang.

              
“Pizza!” Gunnar turned mid stride and headed for the door.  “Now we are in
business,” he rubbed his hands together and eyed the food appreciatively. 
“Come here you,” He plucked Abby out of Cassie’s arms and set her down right in
front of the box. Then he moved Cassie right next to her and bolted for the
other room.  “Be right back with some plates and drinks and we can finally
eat!”

              
Abby looked over at her mom, “he must be very hungry,” she made a face and
giggled.

              
“I guess so,” Cassie agreed and jumped at the sound of breaking glass. 
“Gunnar?”

              
“It’s all right,” he shouted from the kitchen. “No problem in here.  I
just had a little accident, that’s all.”  He popped his head around the
corner and smiled.  “One more minute,” he assured them and disappeared
again.

              
Cassie leaned forward and lifted the lid. “Ooh that smells good, doesn’t it?”
She looked over to her daughter who quickly agreed and mimicked her.  “How
about we just sample a quick piece before he gets ba-”

              
“Get your hands off of that box or else,” he snapped the lid shut and produced
a tray of drinks, silverware, and paper plates.  In the middle of the
plates there were two red roses.  “A rose for the pretty ladies,” he said,
handing one to Abby and one to her.  “And some drinks,” he repeated the
ritual.  “And finally some pizza!” he stuck a piece on each plate and took
a bite himself.  “You know little mite, when your mother and I were younger
we used to sit and eat this very same kind of pizza and talk for hours on end,
telling each other what our lives would be like when we grew up.” He took
another bite and spoke through a half full mouth.  “But she never told me
once that she was going to give birth to a gorgeous, precious little girl that
would share our meals with us one day.” He reached out and tweaked Abby’s
nose.      

              
Cassie stole a peak at Abby who was just beaming.  It touched her deeply
that he was trying so hard to make her feel welcome and not like an
inconvenience or anything.  Not getting married and settling down seemed
so at odds with how good at this he really was. 

              
“If I had known you were going to wake up, I’d have gotten a Disney film or
something.  He showed his movie choice to Cassie before letting Abby see
it.

              
“I don’t think that would be too bad,” Cassie laughed.  “Although it is
supposed to be one of the biggest turkeys ever filmed.”

              
“I happen to love this movie,” Gunnar pretended to be hurt.  “Besides,
it’s a comedy, and I thought it would be nice to get a chance to laugh with you
for a change.”

              
“Sounds good to me,” Cassie sat back and folded Abby into her arms.  She
watched Gunnar turn down the lights, pull out a blanket from the hall closet,
and pop the movie in before sitting down himself.  She knew that she
couldn’t let him go on thinking that he’d lost everything that ever mattered to
him and she knew that she needed to find a way to tell him herself.  She
vowed to set it right as soon as she gave him the best birthday celebration
possible.  Maybe, if she was lucky, he would somehow find it in his heart
to forgive her and they could move on.  He spread the cover out over the
three of them and nestled tightly against Cassie’s other side. Cassie could
feel the warmth of his arms wrapped around her and knew she better enjoy it
while she could.

Cassie looked at her
watch again and sighed. “Okay people, I guess he really isn’t going to show,”
she could hardly believe the words herself, but as she looked around at the
streamers and balloons, the untouched cake, and unopened presents she had to
admit that for whatever reason Gunnar had ditched his party, and her.  Wes
had tried to reach him several times on his cell but he either had it turned
off or was intentionally not answering.

              
“Sorry Cassie,” Wes came up beside her.  “It was a nice idea, and he even
seemed excited about it when I talked to him earlier.”

              
“I just hope nothing’s happened to him.  Did you call the hospital just in
case?”

              
“I did and there’s no one that’s been checked in with his name or with his
description.”

              
“Well I’m sure whatever it is he has a good reason right?”

              
“I’d like to think so.  To be honest this isn’t really like him at all.
He’s many things but he’s not a flake.”

              
“It’s been over two hours already,” Cassie looked over to the clock on the
wall.  “I’m going to start cleaning up. Would you mind telling the guests
who are left that the party’s over?”

              
“I’ll take care of that and then I’m going to head out and see if I can find
him in any of our usual hangouts.  If I hear anything at all or I find him
I’ll call you right away.”

              
“Thanks Wes, I appreciate it.”

              
Cassie angrily stuffed party favors into a garbage bag.  No matter how
many excuses he could come up with, nothing was going to get him out of the dog
house for this one, she fumed.  She was in the process of tearing down the
happy birthday banner that she and Abby had made together when the doorbell
rang.  She walked over to the door, looked out the side window, and
hesitated when she saw just who it was.  “If you think you are ever going
to live this one down mister, you are sadly mistaken.”  She tossed the
banner in Gunnar’s face when she finally opened the door and walked off,
expecting him to follow.  When he didn’t, she turned around and finally
caught the lethal, hostile glare that had almost become unrecognizable to her
in the last few days. 

“Aren’t you going to come in and at
least offer an explanation?”  She gestured nervously with her hand.

              
“I don’t think I should,” his curt voice lashed out at her.  “It might be
too dangerous right now.”

              
“I don’t understand Gunnar, What’s happened, is something wrong?”

              
“Definitely.  And it’s been wrong ever since you came back into my
life.  I’ve just been too blinded by your many charms too see things
clearly.”

              
Cassie could see he was barely hanging on to what little control he had over
his temper, and she felt suddenly vulnerable and weak against the open hatred
she saw in his eyes.  “I still don’t understand,” she whispered, and tears
sprang to her eyes.  The last time he looked at her like that he
disappeared and didn’t speak to her for over eight years.

              
“Where’s the mite?”

              
“She’s ah,” Cassie was having trouble thinking clearly.  “She’s spending
the night at a friend’s house, so we could have the party first, and then
celebrate your birthday later on, together.” Her voice trailed off as she
finished the sentence.  

              
“Ah yes, my birthday,” he moved inside and locked the door. “You were going to
make sure it was a special one, one that I would never forget.” His accusatory
tone stabbed at the air as he approached her.

              
“I tried, but you never sho-”

              
“Just stop it!”  He grabbed her by the shoulders and held his face just
inches from hers. “Not one more word or I swear I will not be responsible,” he
let her go and moved over to Cassie’s desk. He shuffled around and popped a
cassette tape into her machine, and pressed play. 

              
Cassie was trembling.  She finally had an idea of what was going on and
she backed away, wringing her hands as she listened to the message.

              
…Hi Cassie its John. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to return any of your
calls, you sounded really desperate, but I was on a job I had to finish, and,
well, you know how it is.  Anyway, we need to get together and talk about
this Gunnar’s situation.  I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

              
Cassie heard the beep ending the call in a daze.  She walked over to
the couch and sat down, avoiding Gunnar’s eyes.  “You can go now,” she
said dully, trying keep what fragile control she had left.  Her stomach
was knotted in a tight ball and she was sure she was going to be sick.

              
“That’s it!” Gunnar exploded.  “You singlehandedly ruin my life, and all
you have to say for yourself is that I can go now?  Jesus lady, I really
underestimated you.  You really are a cold hearted bitch!”  He pulled
the tape from the machine and flung it against the wall.”

              
Cassie jumped, even though it didn’t hit anywhere near her.  “I’d love to
defend myself,” she shot to her feet.  “But what good would it do
me?  You’ve already made up your mind about what you think happened
anyway, I can see it in your eyes.   Besides, if memory serves, you
never really care all that much about my side of the story anyway.”

              
“How the Hell could you do this to me Cassandra!  Do you hate me so much
that you have to show back up in my life years later and devastate me all over
again?”

              
“I didn’t mean to do it.  I overheard you and Wes arguing about it and I
called my friend John.  I asked him to nose around a bit, but that’s
all.  I wanted to see if I could find out any more information, but I
didn’t think it through.  It wasn’t until after I had called him and you
told me about that agent that I knew I might have made things worse.  I
tried to get back in touch with him to call it off but he hasn’t returned any
of my calls, until now.”

              
“So I guess we can add eavesdropping to the list now as well?” his face
hardened.

              
“See, I told you it was no use trying to explain myself.”  She got up and
opened the door.  “You have gotten to yell at me, throw things around, and
call me names.  I’d say it’s time for you to go.”

              
Gunnar easily closed the distance between them, and slammed the door
shut.  “You just don’t get it do you?  This is not about what you
think anymore.  It’s about me, and what I think, and I’m nowhere near
ready to go yet!”

              
Cassie winced, jarring slightly every time he yelled. She could smell the harsh
bite of alcohol on his breath and backed away.  ‘You’re drunk,” she
accused, as a flicker of apprehension surged through her.

              
“Two bears earlier and a sip of whiskey about an hour ago hardly constitutes
drunk,” he moved up to her, grabbed her face between his hands, and just stared
at her.

              
Cassie struggled against him, but he refused to let her go.  She was
breathing heavily, gripping his hands as they held her face motionless. 
“You’re scaring me,” she whispered.

              
“You have no idea,” he growled and released her so quickly she almost fell
backwards from pulling so hard against him.

              
“What do you want?”  Cassie choked on her own words.  “Do you want me
to say I’m sorry?  I am.  Do you want me to say I would take it back
if I could?  I would. But I can’t undo it now, and you have to know that I
would never intentionally hurt you.  Not like this.  Not once I knew
what it meant to you.”

              
“You’re always covered aren’t you?  No matter how many mean and hurtful
things you do to me, somehow you end up coming off as the victim.  Well
it’s not going to work this time.  For once, you’re going to feel what
it’s like to have to answer for the crap you pull!”
              
Cassie’s heart was thumping furiously, and the color drained from her face when
she realized just how serious Gunnar was. He had always been a hot head with a
quick temper, who only came to his senses after he flew off the handle. 
She and Wes used to just stay out of his way because they knew if they waited
long enough, he would eventually apologize and clam down. But that was when
they were kids, and the things he got upset about then wasn’t anywhere near the
type of betrayal he was feeling now.  “This isn’t funny anymore.”

              
“You’re right, it isn’t funny.  Taking a person’s life and ripping their
career straight out from under them due to your own personal hang ups is pretty
serious stuff. But that is closer to the real reason for your manipulations
isn’t it?” He paced slowly back and forth.

              
“I have no idea what you-”

              
“Admit it,” he slammed his fist against her desk.

              
Cassie startled at the noise, and was beginning to get lightheaded.  She
hadn’t really been eating all that well, and had given up on lunch altogether
to take care of the preparations or the party. She put her head in her lap and
willed it to stop spinning and clear long enough for her to focus. 

              
“Don’t do that,” he walked over to her and gestured for her to get up. 
“Don’t sit there and act like you’re the one that’s so fragile.”  He
pulled her to her feet and headed for the door.  “You’re coming with me.”

              
Cassie was feeling too weak to argue.  Her hands were trembling and her
stomach was beyond sour.  She had thought he’d seen Gunnar as angry as he
could get but she realized that was no longer true.  Maybe if she just
went along with him, she reasoned, he would gas out and eventually calm
down.  He had to, because she couldn’t take much more.  “Where are we
going?” she asked when they ended up beside his car.

              
“Get in.”

              
“Not until you tell me where we’re going.”

              
“Were going to go see that little weasel that yanked my license so you can fix
what you did to me.”

              
“Do you think that’s really a good idea to show up uninvited at his private
home?”

              
“Probably not, but you are going to at least pretend you want to make this
right.”

              
Cassie peered into his eyes, searching for any sign of the lighthearted,
compassionate man she knew was in there, but his eyes remained closed off,
guarded.  She should have known better than to try to go back, she
silently berated herself.  The moment he heard that tape he’d cut her off
again and just like before there was no turning back.  She reluctantly sat
down in the car, taking her time to buckle herself in, continuing to hold his
eyes till he shut the door and left her side.

              
“Fine.  I’ll do what you want but you and I both know by now how you
are.  What will it take for this to be over Gunnar?”  She asked
wearily when he finally got in beside her.

              
“The truth.”

              
“And just what would that truth be? The one you’ve already made up in your
mind?  I already gave you my explanation.”

              
“That explanation was bull and you know it.  You can sit there and play
innocent, and you may even be able to delude yourself into believing that your
motives were unintentional and it really was just your bad timing and curiosity
that led to the end of my career, but I know better.”

              
Cassie watched his hand clench and release the steering wheel, while his other
hand slammed the car into fourth gear.  The marker on the speedometer
continued to rise, and she gripped the door handle, searching her mind urgently
for anything she could say that would calm him down. She never really thought
he would make good on his threat and actually drive to the agent’s house, and
was pretty sure he was just trying to scare her, but the further they got from
home the more worried she got.  “I know I messed up, and it was a stupid
thing to do. I am truly sorry.”

              
“Is that the best you can do?” He slammed into fifth gear as they turned off
the highway and on to Topanga Canyon Road.

              
Cassie began to shake and terrifying images began to build in her mind. 
Her knuckles were white from the tight hold she had on the door and her fuzzy
head had returned.  “Why don’t you just drop the cloak and dagger act here
and tell me what you think the truth is?” she gasped as he took a turn too
tight and used the other lane to correct himself.  Instinctively her foot
came up and pushed against the dash board. 

              
“You just can’t admit it can you?”  He moved back over just before an
oncoming car came into view.

              
“I guess not,” Cassie was speaking faster again, watching as the road became a
blur due to the high speed.

              
“You were determined from the start to get me out of the air and back on the
ground, right where you wanted me.”

              
“That’s not tru-” Cassie’s reply was lost when she held her breath as he
purposely overshot another turn just throw her off guard.  “Stop it, stop
this now!”

              
“What’s the matter?  I thought the only deadly things in life were up in
the air?  You’ve never been afraid to get into a car, but God forbid
anyone try to get you on a plane right?” he spat. “Odd really, since more
people die in cars every year, than will ever die in the air.”

              
Cassie blew out, trying to lessen the force of the curves, and release some of
the tension flowing through her.  Her breathing was shallow and
restricted, and the nagging fear that he was too furious to keep them from harm
gripped at her heart.